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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Fantasy and privacy

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Author Topic: Fantasy and privacy
Jacob at Scarleteen
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So recently I was thinking about fantasy.

I realised how I'd really like to recapture my own lost art of sexual fantasy... it's easy to get out of the habit as life becomes busier and other sexual experiences become more possible.

I also know that I need to work on doing things more often that are just for me, whether it's going for a walk, playing my guitar, reading a book... When I put those things aside because of stress it just leads to more stress.

Fantasy feels like the sexual equivalent of those things. Creatively making something for myself, practising it, evolving it and enjoying it.

It's also weird that even despite backlash and qualifying, the overwhelming message I get from social media is that privacy is immoral, and sharing is honest.

So despite all that I was wondering how everyone else feels about fantasy, do you feel happy to have your own sexual thoughts that are just for you? Does it feel like a positive helpful part of your sexuality?

[ 01-13-2013, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Jill2000Plus
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That message that privacy is immoral is a really damaging one, and one which gets used to attack masturbation itself as well as sexual fantasy specifically... it's the issue I have with the term "sharing your sexuality" because sharing is generally held up as an extremely moral thing to do so I think it might encourage/reinforce some people thinking that sexual fantasy, masturbation, or even body ownership more generally is selfish and immoral because you're supposed to share.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Thanks Jill! I completely agree!

Also part of my personal theory is that it means people will share things in order validate them... whereas thinking something and sharing it are different. I'm now thinking of that creepshots scandal and places like it on the internet where especially guys will share pictures or thoughts about women they've seen in public. It's clear that many of those guys are massive sexists... but the fact that being able to just think "that person is hot" wasn't enough for them is also really really sad. I imagine alot of people who don't behave like that have felt the same way. I do reckon social media has filled a gap left by sexual shaming in a really sucky way.

Maybe we need a rule to change the world: "A daily 3 hours masturbation, fantasy and private thoughts, all without the internet, now mandetory!"

(Or something more practical and less bossy, when I think of it!)

[ 01-13-2013, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Jill2000Plus
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It's quite a complicated thing in terms of what people need, I think, because on the one hand we are social beings and social media helps keep people in touch with close friends who live far away enough that they probably wouldn't realistically be able to manage to see each other regularly. Some more disingenuous, opportunistic people may make the argument that most humans have had very little privacy throughout most of our documented history, that privacy is a modern, western, white affectation, but it's funny how there are so many people who will make that argument about every kind of trauma and deprivation and abuse and denial of needs that you can put a person through except for rape and slavery, and the very fact that rape and slavery were extremely widespread and largely accepted in human societies until a relatively recent point in time does make clear the absurdity of such arguments - most humans have had to go without many things that they need for most of human history, and we should embrace the fact that we are starting, on the whole, to move towards a world with full rights including comfort, pleasure, privacy, safety and security for all, rather than the vastly inferior "well you won't get raped or discriminated against for being LGBT but your sexuality (the bit that involves all the actual pleasure and frequent wanking and orgasms and stuff!) will still otherwise be viewed as a disgusting, frivolous, unimportant distraction from that work you should be doing and you'll live in a constant state of shame, and everything else will suck", though we are still very far from that point and there are numerous big problems that need something done about them. Consider this a half-finished, poorly formed thought perhaps...

...on the other hand people do actually need privacy, even if they've been largely denied it for most of human history. Apologies again for the poor structure of this comment. I'm rambling.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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Heather
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Can I pitch in here and maybe ask why -- since it sounds this way to me -- an assumption might be being made that as it is in Social Media, so it shall be in your offline life?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Good question. I don't know, social media seems everywhere and to frame almost everything so that if I'm looking to locate influences on me and my sexuality, it feels like a good thing to question, and for privacy it seems to fit.

But I think to just assume that it's a direct causation would be a bit of a trap... I think it's useful to say that the internet encourages me to interact in a way that clashes with my other needs and so decide to try and subvert that. But to say that it must, means I'm not taking responsibility.

[ 01-16-2013, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Heather
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If it helps -- and likely, this is easier for me since I didn't grow up with it, and also, because on the whole, the 'net for me was something I started using more as a work tool than as a personal one, so there's that -- I tend to think of however certain dynamics are with internet life vs. offline life as I would with either school life vs. out-of-school life or a work setting vs. a personal one.

I mean, sure, in any of those, there are always some crossovers, but there are protocols with work or school that I know I don't have to follow when outside those environments, even if they work well in those environments, or feel like there *must* be crossover (when often, there mustn't).

I can see how when your personal life and social media are very tied up in each other, everything's going to feel really mushy, but I don't think that's because it automatically is, but rather because you're perhaps not choosing to separate those environments or dynamics.

I also feel like it's perhaps important to mention that almost no one shares everything in social media. Save people who really don't get that online is public -- and y'all are smarties, you know better -- even people who present themselves are sharing everything, everything, everything? They aren't. They're still very intentionally choosing what to share and what not to. And you can rest assured that even the person who seems like the biggest oversharer of everything is not sharing everything with everyone.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I might also add in this, as perhaps another qualifier, that for someone who has been so broadly public in so many ways, and so many very vulnerable ways, I find that my privacy is SO vital to me well-being.

In other words, while my solace, my privacy, my things just for myself, or only for me and someone very select have always been things I valued, I value them all the more when I'm very visible. probably few of you have been quite that visible just per my general reach, but on the whole, I think it's safe to say that younger people have certainly had WAY more public visibility with personal things than ever before, so making space and room and value for at least some things that are only yours seems awfully vital to me for mental health and well-being, let alone a sexuality that feels like it belongs at least as much to you as it does to anyone else.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Yeah, thanks, those are really helpful thoughts. I'm going to carry on thinking about this then post more later. *ponder ponder ponder*
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Jacob at Scarleteen
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And soooooo much agreement with your last post!
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Jill2000Plus
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I don't really think it's possible to have good mental health and wellbeing if you don't feel that your sexuality belongs to you and not anyone else.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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WesLuck
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True. And feeling that way can open you to all sorts of situations where you might do things for other people when it doesn't suit you and backfire seriously, when it is actually Your sexuality and You have to make decisions on what is best for YourSelf.
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