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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Sex?....Oh No..

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Author Topic: Sex?....Oh No..
CloneeFacee
Neophyte
Member # 97567

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I need you're help with this one guys. You see, I have this slight "fear" of sex. I don't know, I can think about and I can talk about it, but I can't actually have sex. It just makes me feel gross. And recently, my girlfriend has been wanting to have sex and I keep telling her I don't want to, that it doesn't feel right. And everytime I say that she gets made and goes off about how I don't love her and that I'm being selfish. It makes me feel horrible and guilty. Should I feel guilty for not liking or not wanting to have sex? And what can I do to feel better about my desicsions? I love my girlfriend and I want to be with her, but should I really stay and she goes crazy everytime I tell her no?

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Hi CloneeFacee. You should not feel guilty at all for not feeling ready or comfortable with sex. Everyone feels ready for it at different times, there is nothing wrong with not wanting it right now.

Your girlfriend should not be reacting the way she is. It's incredibly unfair of her to get angry and make you feel guilty about not wanting to have sex yet -- that's called coercion. Coercion is never okay, and if she continues to try to guilt you into changing your mind, I really suggest re-evaluating your relationship; you have to be able to feel like you can say no to a partner and have that accepted and respected. If you feel like she cannot or will not accept your no, then the relationship may not be emotionally safe for you.

So I suggest you sit her down for a serious chat. You can tell her that you need your "no" to be accepted, that sex is just off the table for you right now and that is a boundary she has to respect if she wants to be with you. If she wants a partner who also wants to have sex, that is totally her right -- but it means that partner cannot be you. So you guys have to decide if this is a dealbreaker (for you OR for her).

I know that might be scary to think about, but sexual incompatibility is something that just happens, like any other kind of incompatibility. it is important that you both get what you feel you need out of a relationship, and if that doesn't jive well with each other, then it's important to consider that this might mean you're just not compatible at this time.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI There,

IN addition to what Onionpie said, I'd also like to ask what you mean by "sex". Yes, your girlfriend does need to accept your "no" on that since no one should ever feel pressured to have sex just to please someone else.

I'm wondering: Are you wanting to figure out this fear of sex for yourself, or is it more because your girlfriend doesn't like it?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CloneeFacee
Neophyte
Member # 97567

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Robin: when I say sex I mean like anything more than cuddling and maybe letting her touch my breasts...I just don't like it when people touch me any other way...I don't even touch myself like that and to have someone else do it...it's just uncomfortable. I want to make things work with her but you know I really want to figure out why I have such an aversion to sex. It's for both of us really.

Onionpie: Thanks for the advise. I'm going to try and talk to her about this. Can you give me some advise on how to bring it up in conversation?

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Hey CloneeFacee. I hear you say you feel uncomfortable with masturbation as well. Have you always felt this way about all kinds of sexual activity? What kind of environment have you grown up in with regards to support/acceptance around sex and sexuality?

What I might suggest for the long term is that you get some in-person support with this if you do want to work on it for yourself. A counsellor would be able to really help you get to the bottom of and work through your anxieties/discomfort around sex. What do you think? Does that sound like something that might be able to help you?

I think being pretty straightforward is often the best bet with things like this. You can just ask your girlfriend for some private time to sit down and talk, and open with something like "I feel that we are not really on the same page in terms of what we want around sex" or "I feel like we need to talk a bit more in-depth about what we're looking for when it comes to sex in a relationship" or something like that. What do you think? Sound like that kind of thing would work for you?

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CloneeFacee
Neophyte
Member # 97567

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Onionpie: Again thank you for your help. I feel like I can sit down and have a straighfoward talk with her. And I will have that conversation as soon as possible.
I've felt this way toward sexual activity most of my life really. I grew up in a home that didn't talk about sex but I don't think that's cause for my discomfort. My parents just didn't like talking about sex in front of their children and that's understandable to me.
A s for the counseling for my sexuality, I hadn't really thought about it. But now that you bring it up, I think it's something I should do. I don't want be afraid or uncomfortable about sex my entire life so I think I'll look into getting support for that.

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Glad to hear you feel you'll be able to sit down and have a good candid discussion with your girlfriend! Good luck, I hope it goes well for you [Smile] I'm also glad to hear that you think counselling would be able to help you around this and that you're considering getting some. If you need any help finding resources, you could give us your postal code (either here or, if you want more privacy, through our "contact us" form) and we could look around for you.

You say that your family never really talked about sex but you feel that doesn't play a part in any of this. Is there anything that comes to mind that you think DOES play a part in this? Is there any time you can kind of pinpoint when this anxiety started -- for example, when you hit puberty, or when you first started being sexual, etc?

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CloneeFacee
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Member # 97567

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Hmmm..I think I started getting really anxious about it when I was with my first boyfriend. He was a real good guy and he treated me pretty good, but he always wanted to have sex. I wasn't ready for that and I knew it but I wanted to make him happy so I had sex with him. It was horrible but he told me loved me and I believed him. And then we broke up and he told everyone that we slept together. I couldn't deny it because I'm not a lair and so everyone started giving me these mean looks and saying all these mean things. It was the worst time of my life really.

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Hey CloneeFacee, sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday, I wasn't able to get to a computer to check the boards here! I'm really sorry to hear you went through that. That's a really rough thing to go through, and I understand how terrible it would make you feel. Nobody should have to experience that.

It's definitely possible that that experience has played into your anxiety around sex. It sounds like this was your first sexual experience (correct me if I'm wrong), and for it to have been such a coercive and terrible experience for you would very understandably affect your feelings around sex deeply. It's common for non-consensual/coercive situations like that to influence the way we feel in relation to our sexuality, our bodies, or sex in general.

I think that's also something that would be really important to talk to a counsellor about, to help work through your anxiety, since it sounds like you feel this played a pretty big part in your current feelings around sex. Do you think that's something you'd be able to discuss with a counsellor, and do you think that would help you?

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CloneeFacee
Neophyte
Member # 97567

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Onionpie: wow I'm sorry for taking this long to reply! yes, you're right, that is something I should bring up to a counselor. And I am proud to inform you that, as of last week, I am now recieving counseling for my anxiety! Thank you so much for your help(:

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Yay! Glad to hear you managed to find some help to work through this! Best wishes [Smile]
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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