So for the last few days, I've had my ex-boyfriend staying over in my uni room. It was lovely seeing him again, since he's such a wonderful friend and, yes, I still love him (although I'm not sure if I love him in a romantic way or not - it's complicated). So we talked, hung out, watched a film...and we ended up having sex.
Yeah, I don't really know how to feel about that last bit.
Generally, I'm fine - I'm not majorly sad or upset or whatever negative emotion you want to put in there. I'm not even guilty, which is an achievement, seeing as my mum made a point to ask me "Now, he DOES know that you're not friends with benefits, right?" when she found out he was visiting (I told her no - that wasn't a lie at the time, and I don't care to tell her that I've done something she probably didn't want me to). We did actually plan ahead for it once we realised that it was something we both wanted to do, so I have absolutely no fear of getting pregnant (I'm on the pill and he deliberately went out and got condoms), so I'm not stressed about any risk of that sort. And I wasn't lying when I told him that I enjoyed it, because I did...but when he asked me what I liked about it, it was hard to answer him.
Putting together some of the details, it's almost hard for me to understand why I liked it. Firstly, it hurt. It was stupid of me, I know, but even when he told me that we could stop if it hurt, I told him I was fine with it and that he should carry on, and it pretty much stopped hurting by the end of it. Nearly 24 hours later, it still hurts, though not very much at all - I inspected the damage, and it looks like some of the skin has split slightly, and while it's stopped, it WAS bleeding earlier today. A practical question - how long would that take to heal? And would that cause a problem for me later? (a note, he's gone home now and I won't be seeing him until December at the earliest, so I wouldn't be doing anything that would really agitate that as an injury). The second reason why most people would look at this experience of mine and go "Well that was kinda crap" was the fact that I didn't get off on it. Orgasm wasn't ever the goal, really...but I didn't have that many sexual feelings at all throughout. Okay, there were some, but it's like...the closest I can get to describing it is like that moment when you press the big red button to activate a doomsday device, only to find that there's no earth-shattering kaboom, or even any indication that the machine works at all. I was expecting SOMETHING, because the thought of having sex with him is a massive turn-on for me (as much as I can be turned on, anyway), and even now, remembering last night is massively erotic too. But at the time? Nothing, and I don't understand why. And it's not his fault, either, neither of these things are his fault - he did his best to take care of me and make sure it was good for me, so it isn't his fault that it hurt or that it wasn't so sexually amazing as I thought it would be.
But I liked it, still. More than I disliked it, anyway. But I can't really explain why. I suppose it was great to see him do those things, and it's lovely to know that he enjoyed it. It was good seeing how he behaved in relation to sex, and how things did subtly change between us afterwards. Probably because I was looking forward to it, having done it, I also have this smug sense of achievement from it. Somehow, I think it's appealed to me on a mental level (and again, I can't really explain why), and, just like almost everything else in my life, I'm just having trouble making my body and my mind align onto the same wavelength.
As well as all of the above, I find that I'm a bit lost in feeling like it was a dream of some kind. I can't quite believe that in this very room, I actually had sex with a guy. If it weren't for the fact that I have physical evidence that it happened, I'd have sworn it was a dream, or that I made it all up. Nothing's really changed in my general mindset, and I've been having to remind myself all day that last night was real and that I'm not actually a virgin anymore. On top of that, while I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of what we did...I feel like I can't tell any of my friends about this, even though I think that this is kind of a big deal and I want to talk it over with people I care about. I feel like, even though I'm not ashamed now, that their reactions would make me ashamed. My ex (I hate calling him that - I prefer "friend," but whatever) and I have a complicated history, and I know people are going to be really judging about it, either in a negative way, or a light-hearted, joking sort of way (which would still be embarrassing to me - I'd hate for people to take the piss out of me for this). So it's become a secret, and while it wasn't the sort of thing I would want to yell from the rooftops anyway, I hate how it being a secret in turn makes me feel like I've done something bad (because if it were a good thing, it wouldn't be a secret, right?). To say nothing of the question "Having had sex, what does that make us?"...
To sum up, I have no regrets, and I feel fairly happy...but I'm still quite confused of what to make of it. Because I just don't know the why's and the why not's, and it's in my nature to think too damn much about things which maybe should be left well enough alone. I know I shouldn't let all of this bother me, but it does.
Is any of this at all unusual, or is it just me being my own unusual self?
-------------------- Ta-da! Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011
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Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
HI Derpy Hooves,
First of all, small vaginal injuries such as what you're describing tend to heal just fine so long as they're left alone. I'm not sure exactly what you're asking about in terms of this causing future problems, but once you've healed, you won't need to take any precautions or treat your vulva any differently (except perhaps to use some lubricant should you choose to engage in intercourse again).
It's not important for me to know this, but just so I'm clear: was this your first time having intercourse?
What I hear you saying is that sex with your friend was not the best physical experience, but that it was, overall, pleasurable. I also hear you saying that you feel good about this for yourself, but worry about what other people think.
You're expressing concern about what your friends will think. Is the reaction you describe one you expect all of them to have? Is there anyone you could talk to one-on-one whom you'd expect to be nonjudgmental and just listen to you?
You know, physical pleasure is only one of many things that makes partnered sex wonderful for a lot of people. So, the things you're listing, such as having enjoyed watching your friend as you had sex, enjoying the erotic nature of remembering the encounter, etc are all perfectly valid ways to experience the sex as positive. Does that make sense? I hear you saying that you kept going with the sex even though it hurt because you wanted to, not because you felt like you had to. Am I hearing that right?
What specifically do you think would be helpful to you for us to talk about?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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I guess what I meant by "future problems" is the idea that, if it's happened once, is it maybe more likely to happen again?
Yeah, you're clear on that - I think that's part of why this is a little confusing for me, since I had no personal frame of reference in regards to what I should have been expecting. As well as that, I feel like something massively important has happened, but I can't tell anyone and I'm confused as to why I seem so unchanged by it. Like, people keep telling me that sex is this great, amazing thing...but I've just gone from being a virgin to a non-virgin, and nothing's changed. That sounds like a weird complaint, really, but it's there.
My friends are great people, they really are...but we're so casual with each other that I don't think they ever realise that they've crossed a line on the rare occasions where they do. They've always assumed that I was doing things with my friend anyway, or that I was definitely planning to (despite most of them knowing about my orientation, seeing as I identify as demisexual or "mostly asexual") - I just have this sinking feeling that I can't talk to them without at least a little bit of teasing, because they were right. Obviously, they wouldn't upset me on purpose, but I'm not sure that they'd treat it as a sensitive issue. I could talk to some of my newer university friends about it, but since most of them are guys (and obviously I've not known them for that long), I wouldn't feel entirely comfortable. And my mum had already subtly (or not so subtly) let me know how she felt about the idea about a week in advance, so I could never go to her with this. Which I honestly see as really hypocritical - my sister makes no secret of the fact that she and her long-term boyfriend have sex, and I suspect that I've almost walked in on them before, so for her to allow that with her (and in the family home, too) and to then turn around and say that I shouldn't be doing the same (despite keeping it as personal as possible) really bothers me. It makes me feel like I HAVE to hide these things from her, which I don't want to do. Funnily enough, I think the one person who I could talk to about it is my friend and sort-of girl-crush, seeing as we've discussed this kind of thing before.
That does make sense, yes. I didn't really take into consideration that there could be more than one way of enjoying sex - it just seems like most people get a physical rush from it as well as a mental/emotional one, and I didn't know if me not being like that was just me yet again being the odd one out. I think what makes me feel so odd about experiencing that differently is that I know my friend definitely experienced it in a more physical way, and I think that he thinks that it was the same for me too. We've talked about it a lot - seriously, he's been really good with that - and he mentioned that it was obvious I was enjoying it because of my expression, and I don't have the heart to tell him that it was good, but not in the way he was thinking. I tried explaining how I felt about it, but I don't think he understood me, because he started saying that he knew it probably wasn't amazing because, while he's had sex before, he isn't very experienced. And it's absolutely not his fault that I was like that, so the idea that he would think it is...that bothers me. If someone made a list of all the things a bloke could do to make sure his virgin partner was okay and enjoying herself, then he'd tick off nearly all the points on there - I don't want him thinking it's his fault.
I kept going because I wanted to, yes. He did actually stop by himself at one point because he thought I was still in a lot of pain (he was half right - it hurt still, but nowhere near as much as it did at first, and I wasn't minding it), so I could have stopped at any time. I think it was because I somehow thought that if he stopped and then took a while to try and make things easier for me (which, due to the whole "not feeling much" thing, I didn't know if it would work), then one or both of us would have given up and the sex wouldn't have happened at all. I'm not entirely sure why, especially since I knew that having sex while it's still hurting isn't a fantastic idea, and that his suggestion of us taking a break and trying again later was actually quite a good plan.
I think I need to shake off these feelings that it was this important thing that I somehow missed or bungled up, and some kind of reassurance that this wasn't a weird way to experience it. Because seriously, most people would take "it hurt and I didn't orgasm" as meaning "it was totally shit." So even if I do find someone who I can discuss this with, I want to be able to sort my thoughts out so I know how I can talk about it without it sounding like it was awful.
-------------------- Ta-da! Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011
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You know, I really don't think your experience is odd at all.
I know there's a lot of cultural value attached to the "first time" and with that comes a huge cultural narrative about how mind-blowing and awesome first-time intercourse should be. But you know, almost nothing is great the very first time you do it, and the same is true for sex.
Sex gets better with time. You get to know your body better, you get to know your partner's body better, you find your own rhythm. That's where the sexual pleasure comes from.
First times are often awkward, and there's often some fumbling. And when you're a little nervous and not using lube, it's also super common to experience some pain. And intercourse alone rarely leads to orgasm for people with vaginas.
So, nothing about your experience is unusual.
And you mention a lot of things in your post that make for a great first-time experience: you were with someone you trust and feel comfortable with. You felt ready for it. You talked about it before, during and after and checked in with each other to make sure you were both doing okay. You used protection. Those are all important components of great sex.
So, please don't feel wierd about this! 'Cause none of this is wierd.
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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