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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Guys and sex?

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Author Topic: Guys and sex?
NothingHuman
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I have friends who have told me I don't need a partner or a relationship to feel loved. I get that. I'm not looking for a partner at all but friends and maybe a relationship later on. I moved to a new location and I don't know a whole lot of people. I've looked online for events near-by but looking for near-by events for social groups end up being a 30min car ride, but on a city bus, it's double that time to get there. I'm also a little anti-social and shy.

I'm scared to end up in a bad relationship like I was in 6 months ago. I know finding a relationship/partner isn't a big deal, to me it is. My past relationship I've learned so much from, even when it ended so painfully.

Just on a first date me (girl) telling my date (guy) my intentions aren't a sexual relationship at all, that I want companionship, trust, etc., and not anything sexual at all. I don't know if it in movies/shows but, I see her date having sex on the first date or a month after dating/knowing each other. So, I feel the guy across from me at the table or where ever we're at and tell him, he may think, "damn... I won't be getting with her," but honestly, why do guys want sex on the first date or even after a few weeks knowing her? If they have a issue, there is always a bathroom and magazines.

My past relationship was all about sexual encounters and I really don't want that, it never made the relationship any better, we just struggled with communication, which was just sex. No talk, just sex.

So, are guys bummed out on the first date if a girl tells him she doesn't want sex? Not that I'm not interested in sex, just I know a relationship can be stronger and better without sex all the time and having it happen so fast.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Guys aren't monolithic, just like girls or anyone else isn't. How a guy feels in that situation is going to depend on the guy as a whole person, not his gonads.

Plus, sure, some guys are interested in sex on a first date: so are some women. But some men and some women also aren't. Lastly, movies aren't real life, but you probably know that already. [Smile]

Relationships can be strong and good with or without sex, or with varying paces when it comes to sex. But all of this also depends on what the people involved want: if and when sex happens faster than someone feels comfortable with, obviously that person is not at all likely to feel good about that. And it's okay for you or anyone else to only have sex in the picture at the pace you want and feel comfortable with.

It sounds to me like YOU want sex to move at a slower pace than starting right away, and like you don't want to be with someone right now who would want things to move faster. Sound about right?

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NothingHuman
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Yea sure some guys and girls do think about sex on the first date, I have. I guess I'm just looking for a good friend/partner in a non-sexual way, yea at some point but not the first date or 6 weeks after. I feel giving my body to someone like that so fast in a relationship they may think they can sleep with me whenever, but some guys don't think that.

I just want pace and not, "Hi," and then, "Would you like sex?" it's kinda like asking a request. If sex happens I'd rather have it happen as if it's normal and not like, "can we have sex?" kinda way. Besides if the guy is craving sex, he can excuse himself and visit the washroom because I'm not into sex at that rate. I also want myself and him to have screening for infections and that.

If something came up positive on any of the tests, it's not like I'm going to hide and run from myself or him. I'd rather know rather not know and have serious issues down the road.

Yes, I want to go at a slower pace. From my experience if sex is introduced fast (for me) I find it's about it all the time. Yea, sex is away to show love and compassion but there are other things before just jumping into bed with someone.

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Heather
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Okay!

So, if you get "Hi," and then, "Would you like sex?" (which I agree, certainly is a request), then you can know that person is just probably not for you, right?

I do think it's sound to not dismiss desires for sex the way you are, mind. Yes, anyone who has a sexual desire -- not just guys -- can elect to masturbate. I totally agree with you there. And by all means, some people want to have sex with other people pretty much like they are masturbating.

But often, when people have a desire to have sex with someone else, it's different than the desire to masturbate, and they are looking for something else -- or a bunch of something else's -- they can't find in masturbation, like companionship, exploring someone's else's body, closeness, the works.

None of that, mind, means that it has to be or is right for you. It's just to say that something can be wrong for you, and you can hold that, without dissing what someone else wants when it's different. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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NothingHuman
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Yes, if that person just flat out requests sex all he wants is sex, but maybe not, maybe wanting to know how I would respond, it's still a request.

I don't mind if my partner (non-sexual partner) masturbates due to he wants sex to release the tension built up, but I also wouldn't mind if he tells me he feels the lack of sexual time and he is needing to masturbate, for me, I would work something out maybe not sex but something else. I still wouldn't if I knew him for a month or 2 months.

Yes, compassion does come in forms of sex, but it can be with spending time with one another like movie and popcorn in the living room with cuddling or just talking having a good time.

So, not all guys/girls think about sex on the first date but some do? Why do people have sex like it's masturbating? They're two different things, masturbating is touching his/her genitals and sex is the whole body.

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Heather
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Some do, some don't. Some do on some dates and not others. And some do and want to purse sex then, while others think about it, but don't want to put it into actions yet, for all kinds of reasons, including the ones you have yourself.

Why do some people treat sex with partners like masturbation? Well, for the same reasons some people don't see past themselves and really see other people fully in any other kinds of social interaction, you know?

But again, yes, that's a request: one it's perfectly okay for you to turn down.

I hear you being very clear on what you want here, so how about just bringing that to the table more directly? In other words, you can certainly tell a date -- or someone you've been dating when it feels like some kind of sex is on the horizon -- that what you're interested in right now is a potential sexual relationship that percolates somewhat slowly, so sex isn't even something you want on the table as a maybe until a month or two of dating.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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NothingHuman
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Yes, laying it out all on the table for the date would be good about my interactions towards sex.

Is there any information regarding sexual relationships on the first date? What guys really are looking for in a girl on the first date? or anything that would be helpful?

So a partner when he/she looks at it like masturbation when it is sex is it almost like not looking at the person they're having sex with or just themselves?

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Heather
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Again, there is no "what guys are really looking for." with this or anything else. Guys are people, and people are diverse.

What someone is looking for on a first date is going to vary wildly. Anything that says it can tell you what a group made of billions of people all want is selling snake oil.

(Also, not all guys go on dates with girls, so some aren't looking for anything in a girl on a first date. [Razz] )

For sure,. I'd say that when people have sex with other people in a way that's like masturbation, it generally tends to be about being very self-involved or self-centered.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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NothingHuman
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That makes sense that guys are people as well, which I knew already just didn't know a lot about it varies from guy to guy or girl to girl on the first date.

So there isn't a rule or tips for a date, it's just on themselves to make it work? To act 'human' and not like someone else that you aren't.

I've always wondered why people are the same in being sexual (not the acts) just the feeling/brain chemisry as well as that feeling, "good" feeling we have?

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Heather
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I'd say you want to lead with what you want and just having a social interaction you enjoy where you can get to know the other person a bit better and vice-versa.

I'm not sure what you mean by people being the same in that respect, because unless I misunderstand you, people aren't all the same sexually nor with how we experience sex.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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NothingHuman
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Yes, my social interaction is low right now, which for me it's okay, but I do need to get out more and make friends. I am attending a Coffee workshop tomorrow morning and I'm hoping I'll meet some interesting people, exchange e-mails, facebook info, etc., to connect more.

Also, is it bad to set a ton of boundaries when dating someone? If I do end up later on in a relationship would he find my boundaries to much? Some of them would be;
1) No sex until at least 2 months dating or more
2) No touching or feeling up
3) No overnight sleepovers and if there was and no other room available either I or he sleeps on the floor (I can't stand sleeping in the same bed with someone)

There are more, but those 3 are very important to me.

What I meant is everyone has the same or almost same sexual feelings at the beginning of being sexually excited. I know it's different in the process of sexual intercourse.

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Heather
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I think it's fine to have whatever boundaries you need, in any social interaction.

But I guess what I'd also say is that we probably don't need to lay them all out right at the front door. Not because there's anything wrong with having them, but because when someone says "hello, nice to see you, let's head out to <dinner/a movie/the park/whatever>," responding back with "Great! But no sex for two months (or "Okay, but I want sex later,"), no touching or petting, no sleepovers," would be an awfully overwhelming response. [Smile]

Instead, I'd set boundaries like that out as needed, as you go.

How "he" will respond to those boundaries depends on the "him." Not knowing who this person is you're asking about, or anything about them, what they want, what they're like, what their own boundaries are, neither you nor I could predict their response.

I'd disagree that everyone has the same or almost the same feelings when being sexually excited. I mean, for sure, we all tend to have similar physiological responses -- breathing a bit faster, an elevated heart rate, vasocongestion, flushing, etc. -- but how people feel, emotionally, and intellectually, actually varies quite a lot not only from person to person, but experience to experience.

(Not sure what you mean about things being different in the process of sexual intercourse, though, versus other kinds of sex: our physiological responses and emotional feelings can vary widely, but that's with pretty much any kind of sexual stimulation or activities, not just one kind.)

[ 08-28-2012, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Claire P.
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NothingHuman:

It sounds to me like you may not actually be interested in dating at this point in your life. You're starting off in a new place, and, as you say in your first post, "not looking for a partner at all but friends and maybe a relationship later on."

While you also say that finding a relationship is important to you, it sounds like (and correct me if I'm wrong) what is perhaps more important to you is creating a solid trusting, loving companionship that maybe can then, if both partners agree to all stipulations put forth by both sides, grow into more of a romantic and sexual relationship from there. To me, I'd say that sounds like you are looking for friendship first- that can grow into something more, if and when it seems right.

Nowadays, dating can be quite complicated. Just because you are on a date with someone does not indicate their (or yours in them, for that matter) level of interest in you. As you are well aware of, it can take a long time to get to know someone. You could even be on date 3 with a person who seems perfect, only to have them make a racist joke halfway through the perfect dinner- which then totally flips your whole perception of them and nullifies your attraction.

Offering up a number of "rules" in the very beginning of a potential relationship, therefore, COULD seem to the other person that you are assuming a relationship status that has not in fact been officially established yet- and not only that, but are "in charge" of said relationship.

Say that your stipulations were not at all sexual, but things like, "I want us to both remember to put the toilet seat back down." I believe it's still possible that a date could be turned off because choosing to share these rules COULD mean that you have decided on some status for the two of you- when that really is a partnered decision, that should come with time and getting to actually know each other.

So when is the right time for that information? There are probably a whole bunch of different opinions out there. In my experience, for the first few dates with a new someone, when unwanted sexual advances occurred, I would stop ANY attempt at touching that I was uncomfortable with, with a firm but casual, "Actually, I prefer to take things at a slower pace." This usually works.(By the way, if it takes them more than one or two times of you saying this to 'get it,' they probably aren't your guy.)

Once you are actually sure that you like the person, I think it could be that more appropriate time for both of you to have a talk where you both discuss your desires, needs, and boundaries. I think it is important that this actually be a discussion- rather than listing your 3 rules, explain that you had a painful relationship that was all sex-focused, and you are now looking to build a solid, trusting, and affectionate foundation before getting into that kind of stuff. Ask questions of your partner, and listen to what he has to say as well- you should not have to change anything you think or say for him, but it is important that you actually engage with him when laying out your ideals for a relationship with him.

OR maybe, the friendship-first route could be the more appropriate-to-you one to pursue right now?
After all, there could be more potential confusion re your desire for companionship- and how that might actually be heard by your listener. That is, if a guy has a date with someone, he probably is not expecting it to be with someone who starts off the date by saying that they only want to be friends- because otherwise, it wouldn't be a "date." He might not understand what exactly you mean or are looking for, and he might not ask more questions of you to find out.

If you are not interested in online-organized social groups, how about finding a nearby volunteering opportunity that suits your interests? Or, perhaps you would be interested in taking a night class once a year (academic or hobby-related)? These types of social gatherings can often exude a lot less social pressure, because the main point of meeting up isn't socializing.

I can't talk too directly to you feeling "anti social" without knowing more, but if you perhaps experience a lot of social anxiety, interacting in an activity with a bunch of people doing the same can make it much easier and more casual to meet, talk with, and get to know people. If you simply do not enjoy being with a large group of people for an extended period of time, make sure you choose a limited-space weekly art class, or a small church group, or sign up for a Saturday urban-gardening session.

[ 08-28-2012, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Claire P. ]

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