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Author Topic: His Punishment
Alergnon
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Why does my father have to haunt and torment me, it really is too much, I don't understand why I'm seeing his face... it's killing me. He talks to me... I see him, mainly his face but I also see things he has done to me. It's overwhelming I mean things are piling up that aren't a big deal and from my father being there... it's hell. After years he is haunting and tormenting me. The molestation never bothered me a whole lot, yea I know it happened, but he wont leave me alone. Is this suppose to happen, years after the sexual abuse they show up and they haunt and torment you to the fullest?

I'm numb all the time, I don't feel anything.

I refuse to cry. In less I know I'm alone, even if my cousin is here I'll let myself shed a few tears at night when it's past 12am but after I don't let anymore drop/fall. It's punishment that he is putting on me. Punishment of sleeping with a lot of guys/men, it's punishment.

God... I'm so lost why is he there and I'm the only one who sees him and no one else, I hear him...

Posts: 517 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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In order to heal from sexual abuse, we usually have to take time and effort to put into actively working on our healing. And when we don't, for sure, it will tend to keep coming back up: it's trauma, after all, and just like a broken leg won't heal right if we don't set it and get care, the same is true of emotional and psychological trauma.

You're in a major city now, Alergnon: have you looked into its many support services for sexual abuse survivors to see what you might be able to use?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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That's the hardest to do, to heal.

I called Kids Help Phone, talked to someone and she gave me some counseling phone numbers in my area. I'm going to research them. I've been looking at counseling services here, the area I'm in that is part of Ottawa but a city outside of Ottawa but it's still Ottawa. I couldn't find a whole lot but I need something. I'll give it a try.

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Heather
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I was talking about something expressly for grown survivors of child sexual abuse, not something like that hotline.

Would you like help locating the sexual abuse survivor services in Ottawa? Even just getting in touch with them, in the city, they can likely refer you to services closer to where you are.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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FYI, I agree that healing work can certainly be challenging, but I also think that it really beats the alternative. In other words, going without it is a lot tougher.

I think that once you actually start getting and investing in some real help and work with this -- with qualified people expressly around sexual abuse, and get your foot in that door then stick with it -- you'll be able to see pretty quickly that working on healing really is less hard, even with it's challenges, than avoiding it is.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yesterday I e-mailed a Sexual Abuse Survivors asking a variety of questions, it's not terribly far from where I'm at.

Lately, I've been feeling sick and drained from all this. Last night I was feeling better he left me alone and I decided to masturbate since he wasn't bothering me, once I was done... I almost puked, I was sick of myself for what I did. My stomach was filled with rush of sickness as soon as I was done. "You know better than that." He says

I'm so alone. I feel I'm messed up for this.

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Heather
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Excellent! Proud of you for taking a step with that self-care and self-advocacy. Not a small deal, that. [Smile]

You're not messed up because you have been seriously traumatized by serious trauma.

It might help to liken this to a different situation.

If someone got run over my a giant truck -- and really, emotionally, sexually, I think that's often the equivalent for childhood sexual abuse, especially when it's done by a parent or guardian -- would you think they were messed up because they had broken bones and organs that didn't work right anymore? Nope, right? What if they never got those bones set, or any surgeries to those busted organs? You'd be amazed if they were even alive, right?

When we go through serious trauma, we are most often seriously traumatized, and we need help, sometimes big help, sometimes very long-term, in healing. Even when we do get it, we still need to heal from that trauma, but when we don't, we are most often going to be a serious mess until we do, either full-stop, or okay sometimes, but really messy or wrecked other times. As it's true with bones, it's true with hearts, minds and spirits.

[ 09-03-2012, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Is it suppose to cause me to feel physically ill to the point I'm in the bathroom, I almost want to make myself throw up and get the feeling gone?

Makes sense about the person and his/her bones and organs, he/she isn't messed, just needs help.

I still can't understand why it's bugging me to this extent, causing me to feel ill, dizziness and numb.

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Heather
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It most certainly can. And again, I'd say that's way more likely to happen and keep getting bigger if and when we avoid healing and self-care, and/or engage in other behaviours that aren't healthy and either traumatize us more, or are just our re-enacting trauma. And that often happens too when we don't get help and work on healing.

You know, when people are abused as children, or just young, it can basically be experienced as what's normal, because when it's ongoing, in families, etc. it IS your normal, if you follow me. And when that happens, and it often does, and that's how it's conceptualized, it can be tougher to understand how large a violation and a trauma that was later on when you're old enough to intellectually get it.

I understand why it's having this impact: it's very clear to me. But I think for you to start to, you really just need to follow through on getting started with some real help healing and seriously dig the heck in.

(And I gotta tell you, as someone who has had serious physical injuries? You are messed all right. It's living with a mess to heal through busted organs and broken bones, in a huge way.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I'm feeling a bit better, I called a good friend from the Church I used to go to, we chatted. We talked about how I was, how my job is, etc., and from that, which wasn't related to any of the abuse I started to feel better just talking to her.

yesterday I was looking up sexual abuse and what it can cause... I shouldn't do that, I stopped looking at web sites (most were long and I was looking for short answers) but I stopped because it became harder for me.

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Heather
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Well, I think some of this is something you really are going to need to start pushing through. (And no, short answers are not what you're going to tend to find with giant issues. This is big stuff.)

But I think that in the state you have been in, it is probably best to do that with someone qualified to be with you in it, rather than alone.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Wreckingball
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I agree with Heather. This is very big stuff. Finding support (qualified would be good) during times like this is very important.

That said, I want to say that you're not 'messed up'. Some of the things you are describing sound very much like the reactions anybody exposed to a traumatic event(or series of events)could have. It even has a name, if you want to call it something. Post traumatic stress disorder. (PTSD)

I am not saying this to try to diagnose you (i'm not qualified to diagnose people with anything) but maybe it would help you to know you are not alone in this, or 'messed up'.

It's like what Heather said when she related your feelings of mental anguish to being physically injured. You can treat/ work through a physical injury. The same is true with a mental one. I think of PTSD as a mental injury. With good proferssional support you can work through this and heal.

There is no shame in asking for help.

People from all walks of life, young, old, brave, scared, big, little etc... seek profesional help for and work through mental injuries every day. They aren't 'messed up' and neither are you. It's not easy, but it's possible, and it's possible for YOU.

So please know how not 'messed up' you are.

and Please find some support ASAP, idealy professional help.

I hope you do, so you can heal.

I am already impressed and pround of this start you have made! Keep it up!

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'My love's a beahive, dodecahedron of caring'

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Wreckingball
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"When we go through serious trauma, we are most often seriously traumatized, and we need help, sometimes big help, sometimes very long-term, in healing. Even when we do get it, we still need to heal from that trauma, but when we don't, we are most often going to be a serious mess until we do, either full-stop, or okay sometimes, but really messy or wrecked other times. As it's true with bones, it's true with hearts, minds and spirits."

Very, very true!

you aren's messed up, you're going through something. there is a difference.


There is a differance between

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'My love's a beahive, dodecahedron of caring'

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