Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » want to love but can't because of trust and confidence issues

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: want to love but can't because of trust and confidence issues
aroundthebend
Neophyte
Member # 93220

Icon 9 posted      Profile for aroundthebend     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm a recovering anorexic and lifelong obsessive compulsive who's now in a relationship with a friend who knows about all of this. However, I don't feel like I'll ever fully be myself with him because of my inferiority complex/self-confidence hangups.

He tells me I'm beautiful, and that he's willing to wait for me even though I'm a virgin (I don't feel sexy enough in my own skin to be confident- I want to KNOW that the other person finds me irresistible not just in that instant but always), but this part of me can't believe it, even though he's a very honest guy. And the trouble is, he's gorgeous, and super smart, and wonderful, and I feel like I'm kidding myself to think he could ever really like me. I feel like I'm out of his league and that he's settling. Effectively,


I’m insecure because I know who he's been with and don’t feel like I’m on par with them. → I feel like he's settling with me → I feel embarrassed about being with him because I’m not at his league and when he tells me I’m beautiful I can’t believe it → I feel embarrassed when I’m with him because I feel like I’m kidding myself to think I’m beautiful → I feel embarrassed about how much I like him when he probably don’t like me all too much →I feel like I have to do a great deal to keep him because he could easily find someone hotter → I can’t feel sexy around him because I know he's been with hot chicks → Because I can’t feel sexy, I won’t be, and he'll want to find someone else because I’m not great enough innately to keep him around.

I'm attractive but I don't know if I'm attractive enough, and I won't feel sexy until he's told me I'm hotter than the other girls, which I don't know if he can.

Please help me see this from any other perspective. I feel like a burden in the relationship because I'm not good enough for him.And I can't tell him any of this because, well, that's insane.

Posts: 7 | From: Ohio | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Can I first ask you to talk about if you feel ready to be in an intimate relationship with someone else like this? I hear you saying a lot of things here that suggest you don't feel up to this yet at all, and a lot of things that suggest that you still have some more big work to do on your own stuff before an intimate relationship will feel comfortable at all for you and before you can really interact in it -- like by not seeing it as competition between you and other women, who aren't part of your relationship at all, save for the way you're making them part of it.

But what I didn't see was a clear statement about how ready and able you feel for this and, if you don't feel those ways, why you're in this relationship right now, rather than holding off on intimate relationships like this until you do feel more ready.

[ 12-27-2011, 11:06 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
aroundthebend
Neophyte
Member # 93220

Icon 1 posted      Profile for aroundthebend     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think he's attractive. And he thinks I'm interesting. And he doesn't pressure me. And he's an impressive person.

I don't think I'll ever really like him as a person until I trust that he likes me though. I'm not a naive kid; I know that people can get hurt, and I really don't want to think he likes me as much as I like him if he doesn't. I have a hard time trusting him, I guess, because I just assume the worst.

Are there any books or essays you'd suggest I read about relating to significant others? About self-perception? I have a lot of issues and I don't want to lose him in case I really do like him and am only looking for reasons why I don't.

Posts: 7 | From: Ohio | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I may not have been asking what I was clearly, so let me take another shot at this.

So, I'm hearing you say what you think he has to offer you from a relationship. Do you think that YOU are in the place where a) you can really be open to and accept what he can offer you, b) where you're comfortable in an intimate relationship at all, and c) where you have a lot to offer him, too?

And with that last one? I'm not talking about things like your idea about how hot or not you are. I'm talking about the things we need to be able to offer each other if we're going to have intimate relationships, like trust, like enough self-esteem to really open our hearts and engage deeply with another person, like enough security to take emotional risks, etc.

By all means, these things and more are things we tend to build in intimate relationships, but we also have to star with some level of them, rather than without them at all.

I totally hear that you're struggling with a lot of issues right now, which is why I'm asking if this is something you feel at all ready for beyond what you yourself may want from him and see yourself as having to gain.

Does that make more sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3