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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Dissasociation during sex?

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Author Topic: Dissasociation during sex?
techie
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The other day, me and my partner were... frottaging, and. I don't really know how to explain it. I had all the responses to pleasure - making noises, shifting to get the right spots, reacting to that, and feeling physically aroused... but there wasn't anything going on inside. Like, I was responding to pleasure I wasn't actually feeling? But I wasn't faking it, it was all as unconscious and undeliberate as it is when I am enjoying myself, it was just not there in my head.

We stopped, because I wasn't really feeling it, and a different sexual activity did yield the desired results, but I was wondering if that was something that commonly happened? And if there's any way to rectify it if it happens again?

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Heather
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You weren't just spacing out a little?

I ask that because sometimes, during any kind of sex, we can certainly get so wrapped up in the moment that our sense of self in that moment isn't acute, or we're much less in our heads than we are at other times. That doesn't mean someone is dissociating.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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techie
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I realised after posting this that dissociating wasn't really the right word - I meant it in the sense that I wasn't really associating, rather than the ptsd reaction sense its usually used in.

Maybe I don't really space out very often, but I'm not sure if that's the appropriate term either. It was like, it was very external. As in "His hand is touching my x, and my x is responding like y", but I didn't feel the rush or the tinglies or whatever internally. More like when you get your reflexes tested and you kick your knee out? Its not "Ow, my knee hurts, I feel pain and I am reacting," its "this nerve has been stimulated, this is the physical reaction". That could be spacing out. I don't know. Sorry. =s

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Heather
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You don't have to be sorry.

I just think that it can sometimes be tough to differentiate between these things: after all, just like everything else in life, sometimes in sex we can either wind up lost in the moment OR just not being fully present. Or bored.

Have you dissociated before? If so, did this feel like that? Can you think of anything that might have triggered a dissociative response?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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techie
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I don't think I've dissociated before, but we were doing an activity which was enacted on me during an assault, so that could be more likely to be a trigger.
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Heather
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Okay, so makes sense to figure it's a possibility.

Maybe, for now, what you want to do is figure that this might be a trigger? Then you can either avoid it, or if you want to do it, can see how it goes if you let your partner know, and both have some tools in place to pull out to help you manage being triggered if it happens?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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techie
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Okay, I realise I just left this hanging, and I apologise for that.

This post came at a time where I realised a couple of days later that I was not in a good place, mentally, as my school had become an environment where I was being sexually harrassed/possibly even assaulted. I talked to my boyfriend about it, and I talked to some close friends about it. Me and my boyfriend agreed to take sexual activity off the table until I was feeling better (this was actually a really good opportunity to explain to him about triggers and things), and I managed to find the strength through the support of my friends to not relapse into any of my post-trauma habits, like self harm and refusal to eat.

I talked to the guy who was harassing me, and told him in no uncertain terms to back off, because I -could- report him to the school authorities for harassment (and as he's on a form of probation because its his second time round taking this year, he had to take that seriously).

And over the last couple of days since we spoke about that, he has backed off.

I think while this was all prevalent, I was very vulnerable to potential triggers that normally wouldn't have affected me, and I think that was what was the case here.

Just thought I'd let you know I hadn't disappeared into thin air after you'd been trying to help me [Smile]

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