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Author Topic: Things are just...not so great
JB
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Hey there. This isn't urgent, I just needed a safe place where I could vent my feelings. I've been seeing a counselor, but it's once a week and I don't have a meeting next week because of the holiday. So, I dunno, I just wanted to talk.

Things have been really crummy lately. I just got a yeast infection, my second time in two months. It's been hitting me towards the tail end of my period (I'm on the Pill) and it's so frustrating. I took some Diflucan and I'm going to be taking a few more doses, sort of in a "cycle", and I'm picking up a suppository which should help balance out my environment. Still, it's frustrating. I can't be intimate with my boyfriend in the way I'd like and that really stresses me out. I feel like a bad girlfriend. He's done nothing to make me feel this way, and I know I'm being a brat, but I just feel like locking myself in my room until this never happens ever again. I know, in the scheme of things, yeast infections aren't a big deal, but it's just not something I want to deal with right now.

I've been more emotional lately, especially since I got the infection. My friends didn't text me to go to lunch with them until they were already there and I am literally sitting here crying because I feel so neglected. I feel so stupid, it's not even a big deal, but I can't stop crying. I don't want to take it out on anybody, but I feel like I might. I feel like I'm not important to them.

My friend recently came out to me as transmale. I'm really happy for him and I know I can be a good ally. But this was my only female friend and now, well, he's NOT identifying as female anymore. I know that he's still the same person, I just feel very isolated. I have a hard time relating to girls, I find that I don't often have much in common with them; more often than not, when I'm with a group of girls, I feel like the "man" in the group, like I'm the least feminine. I try never to think of gender as binary, but I dunno, this is how I look at it, this is how I feel. And it's really, really scary. I'm not transgender, I really love being and identifying as a female. But I just feel so masculine around other girls, I hate it. Like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I feel like none of my friends (my circle of friends is all male, except for me) take that seriously, that they don't know how I feel, like they might think I'm making this up. Don't get me wrong, they're great guys, but I don't think they get it. I wish I had some more female friends, but I feel like every time I talk to a girl they either a) say something that really kind of offends me or b) I just...never see them again. Like poof. They're gone.

I feel really isolated. I feel messy and depressed. I have a meeting today for a literary journal that I'm helping to create and I just don't even want to go. I don't want to eat or do anything, and with this infection, I feel like there's not a lot I can do. I can't go to the gym and I feel like a whale. I'm afraid my boyfriend will get tired of me crying, because I've just been so weepy for the past, like, month and a half. I feel like it's not fair to put him through these ups and downs that I'm having, but I need someone, and I can't go to therapy all the time. I just want to sleep for a while and wake up sometime next week and be able to enjoy my birthday and enjoy things again.

I'm sorry this is such a rambly, vague message. I just needed somewhere to go and I figured Scarleteen has always been a source of support. If this message is inappropriate, feel free to take it down.

Thanks,
JB

Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You feel like a bad girlfriend because having a yeast infection creates limits on your sexual life? If I have that right, does that mean you feel a "good" girlfriend never has any sexual restrictions or limits?

With your feelings around your gender and girlfriends, want to talk some more about that? I hear you saying that one value women friends have for you is around supporting your gender identity, and that you feel like you're not getting that support from your friends right now.

In terms of being upset and ill, you are aware that yeast infections are an illness, so by all means, they can make a person feel the way we feel when we're not well? Make our moods a bit less stable, make us feel tired or less motivated, make us feel like we'd rather hibernate?

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so crummy!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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JB
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Hey there Heather! Thanks for responding [Smile]

I know, I feel so dumb with the whole "not a good girlfriend" thing. I know, on a logical level, that that's a silly thing to think, because I'M the one who's making me feel this way, not my boyfriend. Things have been better, honestly we've been exploring with new ways to be intimate, and that's been kind of fun. Of course girlfriends, and partners in general, have restrictions and limits, I'm just not used to having this kind of limit, I guess...if that makes any sense at all!

I guess, yeah, I'm not getting the gender-identity-support I'd like from my friends...it's nothing they're actively doing, nobody is putting me down based on my gender identity or anything like that. It's just, well, I'm finding it CAN be different hanging out with boys than it is hanging out with girls. I don't mean there's some inherent difference, like one particular thing that makes it so different. There's just SOMETHING that's different, and most of the time, I'm fine with hanging out with the most of the time, it's just sometimes it hits me, that I'm the only girl.

I guess they're not giving me the support I need, but I don't necessarily blame them. Honestly, I've always played it off kind of lightly, you know, teasing them or just joking about it. But it really does make me feel isolated sometimes. I don't know what more they can say to me other than "Well, how about trying to befriend more girls?" But it's like a terrible cycle: I don't have many female friends and I'd like MORE female friends, but it's hard for me to make friends with girls. It's frustrating because I feel like I spend a lot of time looking out for other people, but nobody knows what to say to my problem...but heck, even /I/ don't know what I want to hear.

It's just frustrating because I keep thinking of gender as binary when for so long I've always thought the OPPOSITE of that. I feel like I'm back in grade school, feeling the way I feel and thinking about gender the way I'm thinking about it.

I dunno. It's all got me so exhausted. And not being able to work out has made it all the most frustrating. I feel so much better when I can be active with my body and feel the way it works. I know I have to lose weight, but I just can't get started on it right now and it's so incredibly frustrating and I just feel so gross. And it just all sucks!

Hopefully some vacation time will help with some of this...

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Heather
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Per that last bit, Health at Every Size: have you read it? If not, I strongly recommend it. STRONGLY.

You know, it's actually pretty common for women to have a hard time forging and maintaining friendships with other women in the teens and twenties. There are a bunch of reasons for that which make a lot of sense, and we can talk about them if you want (albeit tomorrow, I'm heading off for the day after this), but the point is, you're so not alone in this.

It's also okay to want to have friends of your own gender: that doesn't require binary thinking about gender or automatically fall in line with that. Really, that's usually just about wanting friends with big things in common with you. So, just like I might want more friends who are also in their 40s, you might want more friends who are women.

Do you have any sense of what you find challenging with that?

Per the limits, yep, you got it already. It also sounds like having the infections has presented some positive opportunities for you two sexually, which is pretty awesome! But for sure, being a good partner doesn't mean our bodies are constantly available for any given use or purpose. Even considering that doesn't make sense, because that's just not something we can realistically ask of anyone's body.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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JB
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Health at Every Size...hm, I feel like I've heard of it, but I'll have to check it out. Maybe a Barnes and Noble run is in order...

I would really like to talk about the forging/maintaining friendships thing. What you said about not being alone is really comforting...I mean, it'd be impossible for me to be the only one with this problem, but it just feels that way. I think expanding on it would help.

I feel like I have challenges at finding people who have the same values I do and who respect them. I feel like whenever I mention the world "feminism", girls (and people in general, really) get sorta like "Oh you must be a crazy man-hater" when really that's so not the case!

And I feel like that's turned me off from trying to forge new friendships, like I expect the worst. I met a girl at the beginning of the semester, and I'd like to hang out with her again, but I'm really nervous. I don't want to go through that "hey look at what we have in common!" only to be disappointed.

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Heather
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So, one of the places you feel like you don't fit with other girls is around being feminist? If so, have you looked into joining up with any feminist groups or group activism initiatives so you can connect with other feminists?

Just like dating can be, trying to make friends can also be frustrating, in terms of trying to connect, then not connecting. I'm someone who has moved around fairly often in my life, so I've personally been through that a lot around friendships. I totally understand that it can be tiring and just a big bummer to keep trying to connect until you actually do.

At the same time, that's kind of how this goes, period. We're often going to connect well, really well, with far fewer people than we meet. So, do you think there's anything you can shift or change that might make that process feel less draining for you and less depressing?

Per Health at Every Size, you can take a look first at the author's website here if you like: http://www.lindabacon.org/HAESbook/

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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JB
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I'll have to check out that site, thanks!

And I have, although truthfully this semester has been completely crazy for me. I need to put in a little more effort, though, and explore some of the resources my school has (which, admittedly, can be a little hard to navigate, but regardless, I need to try harder!)

I think I can sort of appreciate what I have now. I mean, I DO have really awesome and supportive friends, even if they don't always know exactly what to say (but then again, who does?) I think it'll help too if I look at it in the long run: I'm fairly young, have over two years left in school and many more beyond that. I've got lots of people left to meet. Just like acting "desperate" can be off-putting when trying to date someone, I'd be willing to bet it's equally as off-putting when trying to forge a friendship.

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Heather
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Are there any of your friends right now who you can talk to about some of the things you've voiced here? Maybe even just one, to start?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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JB
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I think so, I think I'm going to try. I've been feeling better lately, and I'm away from school right now, but I think I might give it a shot. I might even end up talking to my friend who just came out...I feel like, in a way, he'd sort of understand, you know?
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Heather
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I do know, and I think you're probably right. To say that trans people understand having a hard time feeling accepted around gender certainly is an understatement. That friend could probably use your support around his gender identity issues now, too. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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JB
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I'm doing my utmost to make sure I'm being a good ally and just an all-around good friend...trying not to let my issues project in any way.
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Heather
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Have you checked in with your friend about what issues of yours he is or isn't comfortable talking about?

I ask that because it may be you're not talking about things with him that he'd be perfectly okay talking about. Being a good ally doesn't have to mean not talking about your own stuff that might conflict with that person's stuff, after all.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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