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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Can't ejaculate during intercourse with female without manual stimulation from myself

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Author Topic: Can't ejaculate during intercourse with female without manual stimulation from myself
greenthumb95
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I love women, always have. Love sex, and have a high sex drive. However, I can't ejaculate inside a woman while having sex. This has happened with every girl ive slept with. Is this due to too much masturbation, or is my body trying to tell me I am homosexual?
Posts: 29 | From: Nebraska | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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First of all, homosexuality is not an absence of something, it's the presence of something. It's about actively feeling sexual or romantic attraction to someone of the same sex, it is NOT about not experiencing sexual or romantic attraction to someone of the opposite sex. So, just because you are not experiencing something you are expecting of yourself in heterosexual activity, does not mean that you are homosexual.

Secondly, plenty of men rarely or never ejaculate during intercourse. That's not a sign that there is anything wrong with you or that you are doing anything wrong. The idea that all men always ejaculate with intercourse is unrealistic expectation, and it just doesn't hold up in real life. It's one of the myths of heteronormativity, and not living up to it doesn't mean that you're failing at anything, it just means that you're a real person with their very own needs, desires and preferences.

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Johanna
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mizchastain
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I'm not an advice-giver here, but if I may chip in, I have some info that may be relevant. While I don't have the necessary anatomy to confirm this, I'm a regular reader of the advice column Savage Love, and Dan Savage has repeatedly warned penis owners against what he refers to as "death-grip syndrome". Apparently if you masturbate only in a certain way or grip too hard while you do, it's not unknown for your body to become so accustomed to that form of stimulation that no other type of stimulation works. It is often possible to retrain oneself by changing up one's masturbation routine. If it doesn't work, he does say not to feel too bad about it. Plenty of clit owners need intense focused stimulation and can't orgasm during intercourse without it, and we shouldn't be ashamed of that, so you shouldn't be ashamed of your needs either.

[ 11-12-2011, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: mizchastain ]

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Heather
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When you say "every" what are we talking about here? Two women, five women, twenty-five women? And with those partners, are we talking about partners you got at least months, if not more, to get used to being with?

I'm not asking those things to be nosy. It's just that it can often take people a while to get comfortable reaching orgasms with partners, period, and that's more to do with emotional/intellectual issues than anything about masturbation or physiology. (Dan doesn't really give young adult sexuality advice and information, and it really can be quite different. As well, this may or may not have to do at all with how someone masturbates.)

Too, like Joey pointed out, there is no sexual activity that is THE activity where everyone likes it or everyone reaches orgasm. Intercourse, like other sexual activities, just isn't everyone's thing, either for periods of time, or period. Some people don't reach orgasm that way, including men. But again, unless we're talking about months at a time being sexual with a partner or a good deal of partners, it's probably too soon in your life to make big determinations like that now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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I have been with 11 women, including my wife. Most of the women I dated for a few months or so. I do masturbate alot..but one would think I would be able to reach orgasm during sex with ONE of those eleven girls. One girl ended up leaving me because she thought that she didnt turn me on, and swore I was deeply closeted.
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Heather
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So, it seems like you have had pretty considerable experience with this. That given, it may just be that vaginal intercourse isn't something that results in orgasm for you.

Again, this is simply the case for some people, men included, and may have zippo to do with masturbation. By all meand, if this is something you really want, you can try switching up your masturbation techniques or frequency and see if that makes a difference.

But if it doesn't, or you, personally, don't really care if you orgasm this way or not (outside of partners caring, and I'll get to that in a sec), I'd strongly suggest accepting how your body and sexuality uniquely works with this. We are all different with these things, and no one has to reach orgasm any given way, like any given sexual activity, or function the same way someone else does. We tend to enjoy our sexuality most when we go with its own flow, rather than trying to make our minds or bodies do things they just don't want to or don't feel, you know?

Now, you might have partners who say dumb things about this: alas, some people say dumb things about sex and sexual response. But I'd say a response to this from someone like the person who said you must be in the closet is evidence of that person's ignorance (and from the sounds of things, insecurity about herself and her own sexuality), not of anything being the matter with you.

But sometimes we will have partners -- or be partners ourselves -- who find that one given thing or group of things feel very integral to what we want in a sex life. And if and when that's so, no one can or should try and make another person or themselves conform if they don't feel a thing. Instead, this is one of those things that's just about finding compatible sexual partners for ourselves, whether what someone wants and we can't or don't want to give is orgasm from a given activity, receptive anal sex, a certain kind of role-play, or the ability to have our bodies do something when your bodies simply do not have that ability.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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I totally understand what you are saying. It just freaks me out, because this has been paired with my sexual urges for certain sex acts with men. Especially when there have been two times in the past year or so that the image of a mans penis has entered my mind during sex with a female.
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Heather
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Well, let's try this: when you are engaging in vaginal intercourse, is that an activity you actually enjoy?

If not -- and this doesn't tell you anything about feelings for men, but might tell you about your feelings around women, or at least the women you've been with -- does it feel to you like some of what doesn't feel good about it for you has anything to do with the gender of your partners? For instance, in a word, do you like vulvas and vaginas as body parts? Do those parts of your sexual partners make you feel very excited much of the time?

Again, let's not leap. People engage in sexual fantasy during sex with partners all the time, and often the people in those fantasies are not their partners or only their partners, and may differ by gender or how they look, what role they have, race, what have you. I mean, I figure that if you just wanted to be sexual with someone with a penis rather than with a vagina, since thinking about orientation has been something you've obviously been doing for a while now, you'd know that, no?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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Yes, i enjoy vaginal intercourse. The vagina itself, yes i love. Like last night, making love to my spouse..and in the middle of it..a fantasy pops in my head of me going down on a really hot guy. I freaked out afterwards, and broke down crying because i couldnt understand why I would have a fantasy about giving oral sex to a male, during sex with my spouse.

The weird thing also, is that every now and then my spouse will make comments when shes been drinking too much that make me think she suspects i might not be straight.

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Heather
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Personally, I really feel like you need to let go of what other people have suggested to you about your orientation, especially when the other people who are are people invested in you being a given orientation, you know? Figuring out what your orientation is really has to be about your own process first and foremost, and your own feelings.

With that fantasy, how about this: you had a fantasy during sex of something else you also find sexy. Having a guy pop up in that fantasy during sex with your wife is not different than say, having a blonde pop up in one if she's brunette. Or, for that matter, my having a moment when I think about dessert while I'm eating dinner. Or being in a sailboat even at moments I'm really enjoying riding my bike. Make sense?

All the same, it's very clear with this post and your other that you are experiencing considerable anxiety around orientation and the male attraction you have had sometimes. Personally, -- and this, again, may have nothing to do with you not reaching orgasm through intercourse -- I think you'd probably be very helped by having someone supportive of all orientations, and you being any of them, potentially, to help you with some of these struggles and upsets. Might some counseling, from someone accepting of all orientations, including heterosexuality, but also all others, be something you might be open to?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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greenthumb95
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That would definitely be something i am interested in. I think part of my issue is being raised in a conservative environment. I wouldnt have so much trouble accepting this.

I am also wondering what my spouse thinks.

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Heather
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By all means, if and when we're raised with or live in communities where there is a lack of acceptance for being anything other than heterosexual, it's almost always a lot harder to accept other orientations, be it those of others or our own.

Would you like us to help see who is available in your area? If so, all you'd need to share with us is your zip code. And if you're not comfortable posting that publicly, you could email us with it instead (the "contact us" link below will shoot you to that form).

Obviously, I can't know what your spouses beliefs, thoughts and values are about other orientations, but I assume you must have some idea having been together for a while and married? That said, you've said she's suggested you might be gay, even though she obviously knows you are attracted to women. That she didn't at least ask about bisexuality first suggests to me she might not be very educated about sexual orientation herself. But that's certainly something we could help you both with and help you find more education about if you'd like.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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