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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Shredded up.

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Author Topic: Shredded up.
Ozymandias
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My girl and I have an amazing sex life. Except, it's getting painful. The sex is just getting better, but it also seems much more rough. She's all bruised and banged up and my back, chest, and arms are shredded. And we're pretty sore. This is prolly not healthy. Any advice besides give it a break?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Are you aiming for painful?

In other words, I never want to make any assumptions about what people enjoy, and I assume that you have these injuries and an amazing sex life because you're both enjoying what causes them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ozymandias
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I actually did enjoy it. But bleeding when old scratches get reopened is not fun. She says she can't help it.
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Heather
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Okay, well that last thing is a problem: unless she has a disorder that means she cannot fully control any of her body parts, she CAN help it.

What kind of sex we have and how we engage in it -- including how other people touch us -- should be about what works for everyone. If you are not okay with how rough things have gotten, then you need to let her know that and she needs to chill it out. And she CAN do that.

If she comes back saying she can't, then it sounds like it's time to re-evaluate if this person is really ready to be sexual with a partner or not, since that includes making sure how we're touching them is okay with them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ozymandias
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Okay. And if that doesn't work, I think I'm just going to tie her arms up from now on until I heal up.
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Ozymandias
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Or buy her mittens.
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Heather
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Unless that is something she wants and you negotiate together, you know that isn't kosher, right?

As well, I'd also say that a sound answer to a partner not taking responsibility for what they do sexually and being considerate towards their partner is not bondage. Upping the ante with something else that requires good communication and cooperation when those things are lacking seems like a pretty backwards response to me. (And if this is about playing with themes of punishment or humiliation, that's something that also needs to be negotiated to be healthy.)

If she really won't respond at all to that, you need to know that continuing to be sexual together probably isn't wise or sound. You were worried about what was or wasn't healthy, and that would certainly be something potentially unhealthy.

[ 10-04-2011, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ozymandias
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She's wanted to try being tied up for a while. So that's fine.
Generally, she can keep her hands off for most of it, but when she finishes it's ow.
Additionally, on a somewhat unrelated note, as long as both partners consent, anything goes?

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Heather
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Are both partners consenting TO "anything goes?" I'm not sure how: we can only consent to fairly specific things. We can't just say, I consent to everything and assume there is consent.

Again, these things are choices unless your partner has a disorder that causes her to be unable to control her body. So, sparing that scenario, she CAN not injure you. If that's not what you want, and she's choosing to ignore your limits and boundaries, that's bad news and a good signal to pull things back, not push them forward, only doing so when and if she's changed that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ozymandias
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Yes, mutual consent. My question was actually if any and all types of sexual behavior is considered "Ok" as long as it's consensual.
So, even at her moment she can still keep her hands to herself? I mean, her hands just clench. Bam.

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Heather
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That's a really tough question because I don't know what you mean by okay. And there are some things where, for instance, consent isn't an issue because they are crimes regardless, or ways that people can be getting hurt or which may be emotionally unhealthy for some people even with consent.

As well, some of this is about personal opinions and mores in terms of what a given person considers acceptable: what I do or don't may not be the same as what you do or don't.

But yes: even when she's reaching orgasm, she has the capacity not to keep causing you injury. For sure, sometimes accidents happen, but you getting injured all the time makes pretty clear it's not an accident.

Have you yet asked her, clearly and directly, to please not <whatever it is you don't want>? If so, has she simply ignored that and claimed she has no control over her body?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ozymandias
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Oh. That's what I figured. Oh well.
I've told her to try to keep it down. She tries to stop, then it's like she slowly forgets during. If she remembers, she relaxes and apologizes. It seems to me she honestly has problem.

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Heather
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Has she tried finding something that will help her remember?

For instance, do you have a safeword? If so, that's the time you can use it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ozymandias
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I could write it large on my chest in bright delible marker.
No, we've never needed it. I'm thinking that by the time I say it, the damage'll already be done.

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Heather
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It keeps sounding like there's a lack of follow-through here with working on communication. It's also sounding to me like you're saying things that make pretty clear a safeword or some other basic help with communication and boundary-respecting IS needed and has been.

Let me float you this scenario:
1. You create a safeword.
2. You say it when she starts to do this again.
3. She stops doing it right then and there respecting your nonconsent in that moment and the safeword.
4. It happens again: you do the same things again.
5. It stops happening probably before you even get to time # 3, if not by time #2, because she has gotten very used to stopping and not doing this, so in time, you don't need to say that then anymore.

That seems to me to be the most likely outcome and scenario for someone who has an earnest desire to respect a partner's boundaries. Unless you are saying she does not have that desire, doing something like that seems to me to be a lot more likely to change this and your sexual dynamics for the better than ignoring this, just putting up with something you don't like and want, or tying her up, not as something she wants, but as a response to this.

[ 10-04-2011, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ozymandias
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Okay, that does sound like a good idea. I'll give it a shot and get back to you. Thank you.
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Heather
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You got it.

It might also help to look at this together to check in on what consent really is (hint: it's not doing things your partner has asked you not to and ditching responsibility by claiming lack of control): Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ozymandias
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Tried it. Works, but she's catching on real slow. Thanks.
I have another question. The area right above my genitals, about a half inch, itches like crazy. I checked for lice, a rash all the usual problems. It's clear. And it looks just fine. So tonight I tried to swab with rubbing alcohol. It burned incredibly. But still itches. Can you help?

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Kachina
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Are you up-to-date with STI tests?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Ozymandias
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Yes, ma'am. First day of every month.
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Kachina
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It could be a fungus or yeast (like "jock itch"). I would recommend seeing your doctor.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Ozymandias
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I went to the campus health center just Monday. She couldn't find anything wrong. She did advise me to come back if it got worse. I don't really want to pay again. Do you have any ideas?
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