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Author Topic: nerveous
ghf
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im really nervous when i meeet girls at discos i dont know how to approach a girl i like and how to start a conversation with her what should i say or how should i go about it please help im really confused
[Confused]

Posts: 163 | From: ireland | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
captainpurple
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Think about it this way: if a girl came up to you at a disco (or a coffee shop, or a museum, or wherever) and started a conversation, you'd be kinda flattered and interested in what she had to say just because of the novelty--if nothing else--right? That's how it is for almost everyone. If you just show interest in someone as a human being, they usually reciprocate. And if some girl is rude or ignores you, either she's got other things on her mind or she's just plain rude and you aren't missing out on anything anyways.

One thing to consider, though, is that discos/clubs aren't exactly conducive to conversation. Maybe you'd have an easier time if you were in a place where 1. you can hear and 2. you have something to talk about, like a museum or theater?

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BrightStar171
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You can always start with "Hi, I'm ghf!" [Smile] Or start a conversation about whatever happens to be going on around you- the music that's playing, the band or DJ, the weather, something cool she's wearing, whatever. How you start the conversation often doesn't even really matter that much, the idea is just to get talking, and let the conversation flow from there. Remember, girls are just people, same as you. [Smile]

One other thing you asked- how you should go about it? One thing to remember as a sort of general rule is that typically, while you shouldn't hesitate to go up to someone and introduce yourself and start a conversation, you should definitely pay attention to people's body language and demeanor. You know, the very easy, first level of this is watching to make sure the girl isn't with a date before you go over and talk to her, but also, you know, be courteous. Don't interrupt her if she's in the middle of a conversation with friends, for instance. And when you DO strike up a conversation, try to get some sense of whether she's interested, and, if she's not, back off. For instance, if a girl is edging away from you and giving monosyllabic answers to your questions instead of engaging you in conversation, that's probably a good clue that you should leave her alone. And, you know, be careful not to ask about personal information- "Hey, where do you live?" isn't a good pickup line, and it's often not a good idea to even ask for someone's name if they don't volunteer it- it can make some people really uncomfortable.

What you SHOULD do, since that turned into a couple of shouldn'ts (sorry), is be confident (or, if you don't feel too confident, pretend to be confident), be yourself, and be friendly. Can you tell me more about what you're nervous about? That might help us give you more of an answer. Are you nervous about striking up conversations with new people generally? Is it something about girls specifically? If so, do you have trouble talking to all girls, or just girls you don't know? Can you pinpoint anything specific you're afraid will happen?

And I really agree with captainpurple's last point- if you're really looking for the sort of conversation where you can get to know another person, discos and clubs and noisy bars often aren't the best venue for that.

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ghf
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im just afraid ill say the wrong thing or sometheing to upset them and im afraid they will get the wrong message
Posts: 163 | From: ireland | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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What do you think you might say to someone when just meeting them that could upset them?

In other words, usually just saying hello to someone and meeting them involves very light, casual conversation, not the kinds of things that tend to upset people.

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ghf
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thanks im just worried that some girls will think im gay or sometheng
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BrightStar171
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Ok, couple questions, then:

1. Why would it bother you if they did?

2. Do you feel like there's something about your normal conversational behavior that would cause you to be perceived as "gay"? (Obviously, gay men's behavior is actually just as different and varied as straight men's, but I think we can allow, for the purposes of this conversation, that some people do hold some stereotypes about how gay men act and behave.)

You mostly just seem to be worried because when we're talking to people we don't know, we can't control how they perceive us- which is a totally normal anxiety. Did you maybe want to talk about ways to work on overcoming that?

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ghf
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yes i would like to talk about ways
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BrightStar171
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Can you try and answer those two questions I asked you up above? I think they might give me a little bit more insight into what's driving your anxieties here.

Also, I think, like I said above, that it's really normal to feel anxious about the fact that we can't control how other people perceive us. What I'm wondering, for you, is if it's something specifically about talking to women that makes you nervous, because that might say something different about the root of those anxieties than if you're nervous meeting new people generally. (Do you have many female friends? Because that might also help me give you some tips.)

If it's just women that you feel nervous around, it really does help to remember that women aren't some strange and inexplicable other species. We're really just people, who are interested in meeting new people the same way you're interested in meeting new people, and who often will appreciate it if you show some interest by striking up a conversation.

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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