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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » fingering myself

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Author Topic: fingering myself
Madii
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Well i decided i want to finger myself. Because Chris (my boyfriend) and i are finally ready to do the deed. haha and he wants to finger me before, y'know foreplay and whatnot. but he never has before. so i figure i would do it myself first to get a feel of things. but im afraid it'll hurt. i have bad experiences with this stuff/:
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Heather
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I'm not sure what you're asking us here. can you try and make a little clear what you'd like us to help you with?

But it also sounds like things might be moving awfully fast here, especially if you aren't yet even familiar with your own body yet, and you two haven't spent time (like, not five minutes, I mean much more time than that) exploring other activities first so you can build up some sexual communication skills, get to know each other in this a lot better, and see how you even feel with less risky kinds of sex that intercourse.

So, can I ask, if you're scared to even tough yourself, if you're really feeling ready for not only someone else touching you, but for a kind of sex which presents some big risks, physical and emotional, and where being scared and not already having practice sexually communicating together is likely to make it a not-great experience?

If this is the same partner as in your last posts, have things changed much since then? Not too long ago, you were voicing a bunch of different things that felt pretty scary to you and some things that made clear the two of you already seemed pretty in over your heads.

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Madii
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i just want to know whats it's gonna feel like. we got tested and stuff, everyone's all good and we're safe and all that jazz. i've actually worked alot of my fears out, i just am really bad with pain. thats all
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Heather
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So, when you got your exam to get tested, and got your bimanual exam, did you have any pain with that? Were you also able to talk with your healthcare provider about some of these concerns?

Ultimately, no one can tell you what a sexual activity feels like, because it's not like one given activity always feels the same. One thing can feel very different for a given person from day to day and partner to partner.

But when you're relaxed and lubricated, you should be able to slide your own clean finger into your vagina very easily. That shouldn't hurt at all, and if it feels even a little uncomfortable you can just stop (same always goes with a partner doing that, too). Why not just see what that feels like all by yourself?

If it really feels that scary to even try, I think that's a good indication that again, things are probably moving too fast. Honestly, it's been just a few weeks since your last set of posts where there was an awful lot to sort out, much more than I think people earnestly can in that time.

You know, while there's not any one age when people are or aren't ready for sex with a partner, on average, 14 is young, so it really may well be you just need more time here. In other word,s it may be some of these fears are about trying to go faster than you're ready for.

And per your partner, since he's older than you, you also both need to know that in your state, you're not above the age of consent, anyway. Whether we agree with those laws or not, that's important, because you aren't even of age yet to give legal consent, which can mean a partner years older than you, who is over that age, can be breaking the law.

Were you ever able to talk to your aunt?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Madii
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i didnt have a bimanual exam. i was worried about it. so i begged not to have one. it was blood and urine tests. and, as for my aunt, no. but the whole moving too fast thing, i really assure you im not going with a pace more than im comfortable with. im really very excited about this stuff, i just dont want it to hurt. im a pansy. haha
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Heather
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(You know, "pansy" is actually a slur about gay people, so let's ditch it, okay? Thanks.)

You know that we can want something and feel excited about something but also be frightened at the same time, right? If not, we can. Those feelings aren't mutually exclusive.

But when we feel afraid of something, it's usually really sound to try and figure out why we feel afraid, and then to make sure what we're going to do or the way we're going to do it supports us NOT being afraid, rather than keeping us afraid or making us more afraid. Sometimes it makes a lot of sense to be afraid, too, and our fears can be telling us things we might not otherwise hear or notice.

So, for example, you say you're afraid of some kinds of sex or touch causing you pain, but voice that you want to move more quickly than most people do your age into things that could cause that pain or are a question mark with pain. That doesn't strike me as sensible.

On the other hand, taking more time to explore your body alone, and be more gradual with a partner so you could do things like learn what feels good for you and what hurts, build trust, build ways of communicating that help you avoid pain and not jump a ton of steps ahead is what does strike me as much more sensible.

If you're asking my advice about avoiding pain, or finding out how things can feel, that's what my advice is: to sloe the heck down and not rush things which is all going to make pain more likely in the first place.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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O.O im sorry! i didnt mean to offend you, i didnt know :c and, im kindof not understanding what you're telling me here.
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Heather
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Please know I am not at all offended. Not at all, I promise. With the term, sometimes people don't know what terms really mean. It happens.

When I give advice, I figure it's up to whoever I am giving it to to take it or not. I also totally respect that these are your choices to make, not mine, and support you in owning them.

It's just that when someone keeps saying things that conflict with one another, I can't kind of just go along, because I see those conflicts. And when you're asking for help/advice with something, all I can do is give you what I know, to the best of my knowledge, is probably wisest.

But again, it's up to you what you do with what I say, and I hope when you get advice, from me or anyone else, you take it in and use it (or don't) to figure out what's best for you, without concern for the feelings of the person giving advice per whether you take the advice or not. Okay?

That said, want me to try again with what I'm saying?

[ 07-19-2011, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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haha yes please.
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Heather
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Okay.

As I understand it, you are feeling very scared about pain. So much so you seem to be saying you are afraid of even putting your own fingers in your vagina.

But you are saying you feel ready for intercourse, which is a) much more risky than anything you or a partner can do with their fingers and b) much more likely to cause pain, especially if you are rushing ahead into it, without taking PLENTY of time to get to know your own body first, and then also have a partner explore that with you.

So, trying to get really fast to intercourse when you are feeling this afraid, rather than taking the time to take more gradual steps is much more likely to create experiences that are painful than just slowing way down and taking these steps, over time, first.

That might also involve slowing down your thought process with this, and recognizing that when you say you're ready, but say you're really afraid of some part of this, that's actually a signal you are NOT ready, because you obviously need more time to work out what those fears are and make choices that make things LESS scary, not more so.

Does that make more sense?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Yeah(: but, its just so disappointing.... like im not ready to like have sex, but i feel like my partner and i are ready, as a whole, together. y'know? like emotionally, and our relationship.
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Heather
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Want to talk about why you're feeling disappointed?

For instance, if you take your time to get to intercourse, what do you think you'll be missing out on? Besides being more risky with pregnancy and STIs (and, in the case of the two of you, potentially criminal on your boyfriend's part), what do you think intercourse can offer than other kinds of sex can't?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Madii
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well, im a christian... kinda. well mostly.and in the bible, sex is meant for marriage, because its such a bonding thing. its as close as you can be with one person. and i love him so much, and we want to be as close as we can with eachother.
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Madii
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we want that closeness, that bondage.
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Heather
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You know, the Bible is actually a pretty bad source for sex education, no matter what your beliefs, and let me tell you some of the reasons why.

When the Bible was written, people knew very, very little about sex. For instance, they didn't know much at all about women's bodies and anatomy, like knowing that for a majority of women, vaginal intercourse, specifically, was often not women's favorite thing and not as enjoyable for women as it is for men a lot of the time.

When the Bible was written, women had almost no rights at all, so talk about sex and marriage and relationships really didn't even include women. In fact, at that time, marriage for women was almost never about something they chose: it was arranged for them based mostly on survival and finances. So, a WHOLE lot of women at the time the Bible was written? Intercourse and other kinds of sex often wasn't even a choice for them, but something put forth as a duty they owed men, and you can be sure a lot of those women were not feeling close and bonded with intercourse in marriages they probably didn't even want to be in.

But too, the Bible doesn't even specifically say they mean intercourse when they say "sex." So, assuming what it says about sex must mean intercourse? That's not sound or right. And based on what we do know about sex now, thousands of years later, we know that people can get close to each other through all kinds of sex, not just one, but also that people can have all kinds of sex, including intercourse, and not feel close at all, or even feel further apart.

Also, historically, the main reason people used to say, back when the Bible was written, that sex was only for marriage wasn't about closeness. It was about paternity. In other words, it was said to be only for marriage so men could know that children a woman had were his.

None of this is to diss your faith or beliefs. I support you in what they are. But just like we wouldn't use the Bible for information on how to treat sickness, because we know the information in it is WAY too old for that to support people's health, it's not a good place for sex education, either, because we have learned so much since then, and the world has also changed a whole heaping lot.

Do you understand that there are MANY ways for people to get very close to each other, and that sex -- any kind of sex -- is just one of those ways? Do you also get that plenty of people have sex without it resulting in them getting closer at all?

Do you get that for people who DO find sex (of any kind) makes them feel a bond, that's not because sex MAKES that bond, but because it's something they usually already feel?

[ 07-19-2011, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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yeah, i get what your saying
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Heather
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Okay.

So, are you feeling like you and your partner aren't feeling close enough, is that the deal? If so, can you tell me more about that?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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well we are really close, and, just, everything is starting to get a little boring, and i want to spice it up a bit, and stay close and not break away.
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Heather
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The thing to know with that is that aside of adding new risks (and again, potentially breaking the law, which can land your boyfriend with registered sex offender status once he turns 18, for the record), chances are that vaginal intercourse, by itself, isn't likely to make things more exciting for you.

Again, for most women, most of the time, vaginal intercourse all by itself doesn't result in orgasm and often just isn't all that. What emotional response women have varies a lot more than that.

But if your relationship or sex life as it is feels boring or stale now, then intercourse just isn't likely to fix that. Instead, that means repairing or working on other things, and probably things that aren't sexual, like what kinds of things you do together apart from sex, what kinds of deep talks you have, etc.

Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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yeah(: but, i thought it was okay, as long as we arent 4 years apart. we're 3 years one month and 3 days. haha
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Heather
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To my understanding, that will change once he's a legal adult and you're still under the age of consent.

but you know what? he's the older person here, so in my book, the onus is on him to educate himself about that and find out what his choices should be. This would be about him breaking the law, not you, so I don't think it's appropriate for you, as the younger person (and the one with risks he also doesn't have) to focus too much on this. I think that's his responsibility, and hopefully he cares enough to do that homework, since a criminal charge for sex could really hurt both of you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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yeah/: but i dont think anybody would find out... haha
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Heather
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I think it's safe to say that everyone who winds up in big trouble because of sex think that.

Honestly? I gotta tell you that I don't think that's very funny. By all means, if it was a crime, and one your boyfriend got charged with, that's a charge that can impact the whole rest of a person's life negatively. For many people who wind up charged with a sex offense, that limits where they can work and even live. It's a big deal.

And for you, what that can mean is that everyone you know finds out all the details of your sex life, that you and this partner get separated in a really painful way, and a host of other bad stuff.

It's pretty bad news.

One other thing to think about with readiness for any kind of sex is having the ability to really try and consider how our choices can impact the rest of our lives, not just life right now. That's a lot harder to do when you're younger, and can't really visualize a much-longer life, but if you make some effort, I think you can get at least some picture so you can consider the long-term when you're making your choices.

However, an inability to do that is one of the reasons for age of consent laws. Again, not every person under the age of consent is unable to do that, or take serious things seriously, so that's pretty unfair for people who can, but it is also true for enough young people that those laws are not, IMO, completely out of order.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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i dont see how thats so bad though/: like i want it, so why is he punished? thats such BS.
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Heather
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Again, whether we agree with these laws or not, there are what they are. So, even if and when someone thinks they're BS, that doesn't mean people won't still suffer the consequences of them.

I personally have very mixed feelings about these laws. However, making sound choices around sex is about way more than just someone and a partner wanting sex. If there were no possible negative consequences of sex, no way for people to get hurt in it, then sure, people wanting things is probably all we'd need to think about.

But that's not how it is. And when someone has different rights than someone else, it's even more important we think about more than what the person with less rights and agency than we have wants. Same goes with when someone has risks we don't: for instance, he can't get pregnant. You can. That means he and you should very much be thinking about more than just if you both want to have intercourse. One thing laws like that are about are asking people to be responsible, and holding them responsible when they won't be are choose not to be.

Your boyfriend was your age once, so he knows something you don't: he knows the difference between how he is now and how we was then. He probably also knows that he's ready for a lot more now than he was then. So, ideally, he's talked about that with you, and is helping to keep things at a slower pace, not a faster one, because he has that knowledge and information you don't (since you haven't been his age yet to know how different you'll likely be).

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Well, yeah. But, all i wanna know is; is it gonna hurt?
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CoatRack
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I think Heather did a pretty good job of answering the "is it going to hurt?" question when she said this:

quote:
As I understand it, you are feeling very scared about pain. So much so you seem to be saying you are afraid of even putting your own fingers in your vagina.

But you are saying you feel ready for intercourse, which is a) much more risky than anything you or a partner can do with their fingers and b) much more likely to cause pain, especially if you are rushing ahead into it, without taking PLENTY of time to get to know your own body first, and then also have a partner explore that with you.

So, trying to get really fast to intercourse when you are feeling this afraid, rather than taking the time to take more gradual steps is much more likely to create experiences that are painful than just slowing way down and taking these steps, over time, first.

Do you want to give that a reread and then ask some more questions if you have them?

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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Heather
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If you want more information around pain -- and lack of it -- with vaginal entry, here are a couple links for you:

• From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
• Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

But also? I gotta tell you: if you feel so scared you can't even touch your own body with your own fingers to see how it feels, I think that's a clear indication that you are really, really, trying to move much too fast with your partner.

Because chances are awfully good, then, that you're going to feel pretty scared and nervous in that situation, which makes it likely that you will experience pain instead of pleasure.

Of course, too, I think it's wise to really pay attention to what being scared of touching your own body usually means around readiness. In a word, it means that you probably have a pretty long way to go before it makes sense to be sexual with someone else.

I'm going to assume you want sex with someone else to always be a really good experience. If I have that right, then it really pays to be honest with yourself about what you really are and are not ready for. It also really pays to check in with how realistic, or not, your expectations of sex with someone are. I'm getting the sense some of the aren't in good alignment with the realities of sex with someone else.

That's a problem, because our expectations tend to inform our choices. And if and when our expectations are out of whack or are more about fantasies or ideals than what's real, our choices are going to tend to be out of whack, too.

This link might help you out with some of that: Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals

[ 07-20-2011, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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