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Author Topic: So confused, selfish, hypocrite, I don't even know...
Ohana626
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Hello everyone. Remember how I talked about my friend Ricky, and everything that involved him? If not, I'll recap if you ask. But the story now is that he's back home from the shore, and he and I were chatting on the phone, and I told him that we should get together sometime, and he wanted to know if I could hang out tomorrow with him and our other friend Aubrey. I said I'd love to; I was happy to be hanging with him at his place, probably looking up french accent videos (he auditioned for Lumiere for a Beauty and the Beast production at his camp this summer) and Aubrey and I are good friends but it's been awhile since we've seen each other, so I was happy to see her again.

But later tonight Ricky IMed me on facebook and told me that tomorrow we're going over to his friend John's house for band practice, him, me, and Aubrey. And I told him that that was fine.

But all I could think was thank goodness that Aubrey was coming with us, because I didn't think I could do it without her there.

The reason I say this is because I don't like the fact that we're going to his band practice. I feel like the band is his life now, and it's not like he shouldn't be in a band, but it's been a long time since we've just hung out, not even just the two of us, but with Aubrey or anyone too, without the band or John being involved.

Now the reason that I'm so confused about how I'm feeling is because I feel guilty because of it. When Ricky and I were as joined at the hip and he and John are now, whenever I hung out with my friends, Ricky came too, and I was just talking to one of my friends, and she told me that how I'm feeling right now is how she felt when Ricky and I were super close. So I feel like a hypocrite for feeling this way.

I also feel like I'm the only one unhappy. I feel like I shouldn't be asking for this, even though in my brain, I know I'm justified in it. I know that there's nothing wrong with asking him to be able to hang out without the band being involved. But...I can be selfish. Example: when I was on my music trip, I took a seat near some kids that I wanted to talk to, even though the seat was the same one that my friend was sitting in on the way up, and I wouldn't give up the seat, because I really wanted to sit there. So I can be selfish, but I really try not to be. When someone needs to talk, I listen, always, and give advice when they need it. And I really don't want to be a selfish person, so I guess sometimes I have trouble deciphering what is selfish and what is...something I SHOULD be able to ask for myself.

So all in all, I'm losing it a little. I'm losing track of myself here, and I don't know what to do.

[ 07-06-2011, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: Ohana626 ]

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KittenGoddess
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Have you spoken to him about the way you are feeling?

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Sarah Liz

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Ohana626
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Well, in another post from a few weeks ago, yes, he knows how I feel about John, for the most part I believe.
It turns out that we didn't go to band practice because it was canceled, but John did come hang out with us, due to Ricky's pleading and begging (John had just got off work and was tired haha). And I understand the relationship that they share, because that's what Ricky and I used to be like. I'm just jealous. I asked Ricky last night if he ever wanted to hang out just the two of us anymore, because it seemed like he always wanted John around, and he said "no I love hanging out just us", and I think that's what he really feels, but at the same time, it doesn't make sense because he also always wants john around.
It just makes me jealous and I'm not always sure how to handle it.

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Heather
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Is this really about being jealous, though, or is it about not getting what you want?

In other words, ARE you having any just-you time? Do you want that? If you do, and it sounds like you do, is this about jealousy, or is it about not getting what you want out of this friendship (still)?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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When Ricky said that he and aubrey were hanging out and he asked if I wanted to hang out with them, I felt fine. Great, actually. I was happy to spend time with the both of them. But after seeing Ricky keep asking John to join us, that's what got me going with the jealously.

to be honest, I think I could get what I want from this friendship, I just never want to ask because I sometimes have a hard time telling what's selfish or not. I know that asking to hang out just us isn't selfish, and he said that he loves doing that, and in all honesty, it's not either of our fault that we haven't in awhile; he's been dealing with graduating and then he was on senior vacation for awhile. So he has become just like all my other friends; we don't talk everyday, we hang out in groups. It's a normal relationship. It's just that when he goes on about John and begs him to join us that I get jealous.

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Heather
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How about this?

Figure that even if what you're asking for is selfish (though I don't see how it would be if he's for real when he says he loves hanging out with you alone), you still get to ask for it, and the other person always gets to decline, so there's no reason not to ask.

Really, it's clear you still are not exactly having the best time ever in this friendship. But it also seems like you aren't really being proactive in trying to change the dynamics you don't like and are unhappy with.

So, the choices are:
1) Do things differently so they do have the potential to improve, then see if they do,
2) Don't try and change anything and just figure you have to accept feeling the way you do and there's really nothing to do about it, or
3) Give up the ghost on this entirely, leave the friendship, and feel better that way.

But if this really isn't about you being reasonable in sometimes wanting some one-on-one with people you're close to (which is something most people do tend to want sometimes, no matter how old they are) and is about just being bitter and jealous and feeling awful only because you're generating those feelings yourself, then the answer is to get some help with those feelings and processing them, ideally from someone you can see in-person who can work with you on a regular basis.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Okay Heather, thanks for your input. I'm going to try the first choice, because I really don't want to lose the friendship, and I know that not speaking up when it's necessary is only going to harm it. I have a feeling that my jealously, while it hurts sometimes, isn't serious enough to need special attention. In all honesty, sometimes I feel that even though I am speaking my mind here, it all comes off more serious than it really is.
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Heather
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I don't see any right or wrong choices here, just what you think is most in alignment with what you really want, which only you can sort out.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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