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Author Topic: she’s emotionally distant - any thoughts?
301
Neophyte
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Hi all, I have moonlighted getting advice from on here over the past year or so, but am generally still feeling a little stuck in my situation – so thought I would see if anyone had any thoughts or ideas! I apologies if this gets a little rambley.

Me and my girlfriend (Im male and 26…) have been together for over 4 years now. We both have had / have various hang-ups about sex and intimacy (religion, low self confidence etc – normal stuff really), for my part, she is my first real girlfriend (previous to that I spent my life seeming to be “the gay best friend” who wasn’t gay (and being constantly told how men are a problem and only ever want 1 thing). My other half always did have some aspects of depression and anxiety but about 2-3 years ago she had pretty much a complete breakdown. Obviously I just went in to effectively being a carer. She has been largely (in a day to day basis at least) better for a good year and a half now, but is still very emotionally closed.

The problems as it stands really seem to be that:

She really dose enjoy intimacy, sexual behaviour and generally being “in love”, but almost just doesn’t want to admit to it. She dose not like making time for us to be intermit (sexually or otherwise). Whilst we have never (successfully) had sex (I will come on to that), she enjoys stimulation and orgasm (though not that infrequently the result of her having an orgasm is that she almost has a panic attack next – it is quite un-nerving – I tend to just hold her till she calms down). Having said all of this, pretty much from the moment she regains composure she will not even admit to enjoying herself (which she had claimed to be 5 mins earlier). If I try to talk about intimacy she generally gets angry and makes out that its all about sex and that I just I need to control myself. A lot of the time its almost like she likes to think of herself as a child – she talks about things being “inappropriate” and yes – they can be at times, but not really when your alone in a room in a bed together! This all seems to just reinforce my complex.

My problems are basically (I think) a complete lack of emotional confidence, particularly sexually – most other aspects of life I have learnt how to fane confidence! I think that if I was very pro active in being intimacy, was assertive about what I wanted for us etc she would probably not only do it but enjoy doing it. However I am so paranoid about “getting it wrong” as it were. I always desperately want something from her to reassure me that she really is interested and its not just in my head! I love her deeply and really don’t want to hurt her.

So together – she wont admit (even to herself) she has an intermit and sexual side until it is so intense that she can not ignore it and I have a deep routed problem thinking no one has ever fancied me! Leading to me not really knowing how to approach the subject, sort of trying, her just getting annoyed, me feeling disgruntled and unloved. Go through above cycle a few times until she goes home (she normally comes to see me for the weekend), we have an argument or (perish the thought) we actually become intermit!

Having said that, sometimes (about 1 weekend in 4 probably) she will come and it will be very natural, things just sort of happen. Having said that I still have to be “driving it” but I don’t seem to really be able to get things wrong. I think this largely has to do with how stressed she is. (she isn’t really very happy with the rest of life at the moment)

Now to the plugs in sockets of sex… we talked about it a good year and a half ago and decided we were ready for this, and quite frankly it was silly that we were happy doing anything but. So as it happened we ended up finding a condom and trying to give it a go there and then – well, I was so nervous I could not hold an erection! From this she suggested that she should go on the pill, so we wouldn’t have to make a big thing of it and could just let things happen. In hinesight, the pill messed up her hormones and she was always so parodied of getting pregnant that even if I managed to relax in to it, she never really did. So we ended up sort of giving up on that one for about a year.
Now, over the past month or 2 (when we have a good weekend) this seems to be coming back onto the agenda. But we seem to still have the problem that if we break flow to find some rubber either I become so nervous I cant hold an erection or she briefly thinks about something else, therefore losing any interest in me!

Im not really sure what im asking for here tbh – I need us to work out intimacy and I don’t want to make an issue about sex but how things are atm is not healthy or helpful for either of us! I would not mind if her position was “not until we are married” or similar, but its just the inability to communicate about it. I have asked her to come and live with me for the summer (hopping a prolonged period together may help) and I want to ask her to marry me, but im just to afraid that that would mean speeding the rest of my life feeling as unfulfilled as I do most of the time now!

Obviously there is a lot more to it than what iv written - but I have already rambled enough!

Thank you to anyone who has got to the bottom of this rambling post – here is a joke to make it worth your while: Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

Many thanks, 301

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm going to have to come back to this in the morning, as I need to head out for the day. But I had a couple extra questions, anyway, before I will feel able to respond best, if you don't mind.

1) Have either of you had any therapy or counseling, either separate or together? If so, were any of the issues you've talked about here things wither of you have addressed in therapy?

2) With any kind of sex: are you the only one initiating, or does she ever initiate (bring up sex to you as something she'd like to do, rather than you bringing it up to her)?

3) Have you two ever talked about not having a sexual relationship at all with each other being a possibility or tried that in the past? If so, what conclusions did each of you come to?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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301
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Hi Heather, thanks for taking the time!

1) Not really would probably be the best answerer. My other half basically doesn’t talk to anyone about anything (that matters at least). She did go for counselling when at uni but tbh they were useless and therefore she thinks that counselling is useless and gets very defensive at the suggestion. Myself – no, however I have a good circle of friends who I talk to regularly to help me work things out. I have often thought I would probably do well for some real counselling but never really quite sure how to initiate it!

2) She dose initiate it, though generally only if she is doing something else. For example the other week I woke up with a bad back, she offered to give me a massage – tbh all I was thinking about was my back feeling a bit better and im fairly sure so was she, but it wasn’t long before she had rolled me off my front and had jumped on top of me! Also, its quite often that if im talking about something non physical that im finding difficult about us and she will start trying to basically say that everything is about sex with me, now there may be some truth in this but from talking to friends both male and female I don’t think its any more true than for most other people, of if im honest, her! Almost the best way to describe it is that she doesn’t think that she should have an intermit or sexual side, as “that’s nourty”. Its there alright, she just doesn’t seem able to admit or embrace it. Its like she likes to think she is a well behaved child, and anything outside of that idea she will suppress.

3) in sorts, though its very very difficult to talk to her about anything which you need to be open. She spends most of the time putting on a face and likes to think she is in complete control of herself (which is probably partly why she doesn’t like being emotional or intermit – from experience, to do these properly you will not be in full control of yourself!). We have talked about getting married or breaking up, she always says that she would like to marry me – to me at least marriage implies a sexual relationship?

301

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Thanks for that extra information, it helps a lot.

This many years in, and it seeming like these dynamics haven't ever been different, it sounds very much to me like they're not at all likely to change. I don't know what's going on with her, but what seems most likely is either a) she really doesn't want to be sexual or have a sexual relationship (more on that in a bit) or b) she has a LOT of shame around sex and sexuality, to the degree that it sounds like it must actually be really emotionally painful and difficult for her. In other words, while I feel for you here, I feel for her, too: the way she feels and thinks about this sounds like she must be horribly uncomfortable.

If this is about shame, that usually comes from somewhere: in other words, I don't know what her life history has involved, and if it's involved any kind of sexual abuse or shaming or other kinds of trauma (you mentioned religion as an issue: a lot of sexual shaming can happen in some religions), but usually these attitudes don't come from nowhere (unless this is about her just not wanting to be sexual). You talk about a history of depression and anxiety for her and a breakdown. So with all of these things together, including some other things you've said about her, it sounds likely to me something pretty serious has gone on and is going on with her.

But if this is about some kind of deep shame, that's something she'd have to really dig into, talk about and work on, and what I'm hearing you say is that she is not open to any of those things, even talking with you, as her partner.

You're absolutely right: to some degree, sex means letting go of some control, as does other aspects of intimacy. But if she doesn't want to do that or doesn't feel able to do that or comfortable at all with it, especially four and some years in, it sounds to me like that isn't at all likely to change, since again, she seems to be unwilling to do anything to foster that kind of change.

It is tremendously clear you love her and that you care a whole lot about her: that's impossible to miss. I also can completely understand how what's going on with her, and how she frames and conceptualizes sex is a big conflict for you, all the more so because of your own issues (which you seem to be excellent at self-assessing very honestly and staying aware of).

I want to take a few to talk about something else first, before I move forward. Some people have sex with other people not because they really want to and/or feel really okay about it, but because they think they're supposed to. Sometimes that supposed-to is about being human or adult: as in, "Adults are supposed to want/have sex." Sometimes it's about ideas about what you have to do to have a certain kind of relationship, like: "If I want to get married, or keep my boyfriend, I'm going to need to have sex." And even while those are unhealthy places to come to sex from, and not the route to a happy sex life for anyone, that doesn't mean that sometimes someone in those kinds of spots won't still enjoy themselves sexually. There are absolutely plenty of times where someone who doesn't really want sex might still feel aroused, enjoy physical sensations or orgasm.

Now, I can't know if she's in that kind of space, and it sounds like you and I are going to have to do a lot of guessing here since she won't talk about any of this with you. But it's really hard for a person who doesn't want sex or feel okay about it to not be impacted by the fact that a lot of the world does want it and is okay with it and feels it's really critical to their lives. So, since it's pretty clear she really doesn't feel okay about sex as a whole emotionally, my best guess is that there might be some supposed-to here. And I feel like I get a clear enough sense of you as a person to know you are not after someone having sex with you out of duty or trying to be normal: you're very clear you want some real intimacy and some real wantedness (which is good, just maybe not with this person).

That said, this is the part where I deliver what I suspect might be the bad news: you two sound to me, pardon my bluntness, like a terrible fit for a sexual relationship. It seems clear that whatever got you both where you are with sex, you want very, very different things and think about sex in very, very different ways. Communication not only has broken down, it seems it never existed. She's expressing continued intellectual and emotional discomfort with sex. You need a level of reassurance that's real, but also isn't likely to come from someone who, for whatever reason, just can't give that kind of reassurance because of how they conceptualize and experience sex. You feel terrified of getting it wrong all the time, which is understandable: with a partner in this space, you're bound to feel like you're always walking on sexual eggshells.

So, my very best advice is that you give some serious thought to not being in a sexual relationship together at all. I personally don't think being more together will help with this at all: I actually think that'd probably only put more pressure on her to be sexual when she clearly isn't okay with it, and put you in a spot where all this dischord around this, and your understandable worry about it, is a constant. That sounds pretty miserable for both of you to me. I also would really suggest that you reconsider the idea of marriage unless you feel like you'd be okay with a marriage with these kinds of sexual dynamics in it, or no sex in it at all (which is where it may go if she perhaps feels like a marriage cements you staying, is in the "supposed-to" place with sex to get a marriage, and then once that happens, feels in the clear, which she might).

I'd normally say this is something to talk about with your partner together, too, but obviously, if she won't talk with you about it, that's out. I'd suggest talking about maybe trying to not have a sexual relationship together, but opening up the relationship so you (or she, if she wanted, though that seems unlikely) could seek out sexual partnership with someone who did want to be sexual and felt good about it, but it sounds like that's not a model she'd likely consider.

But I would still try to talk with her about all of this, especially given that you do clearly care for her, and my guess is that with a relationship that's lasted this long, if you did shift to not being sexual partners, you'd probably want to try and maintain some kind of friendship, since you've been in each other's lives for so long. You may need to just make a very hard limit, saying you NEED to talk these things through together because your relationship is in serious crisis because of them, and if you don't talk, it's probably only going to get and feel worse for both of you.

I'd have other suggestions before this if it seemed like your partner would try them, counseling being the absolute first step. But it doesn't sound like she would try anything one would need to to work through this like really deep open talks, keeping a journal about her feelings about sex, reading some books, some other things. If I'm wrong in that and she wants those suggestions, let me know.

I know some of what I said here is rough. I'm actually heading to your side of the pond tomorrow for a week, and won't likely be able to work the boards then, but I'll be here all day on and off today if you want to talk more.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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301
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Hi heather, thanks for taking the time to reply!

I am hearing what you say and tbh it mirrors some terrifying thoughts ive had over the years.

I will give you a little more background on her though, as things like the logic of her moving here may make more sense.

I don’t think that she has ever had any “sexual trauma” particular, though was terribly bullied at school. Through the back end of her school life her mother was fairy seriously mentally ill and her father became physically ill. She basically held everyone together at home (did all the housework etc along with her A levels). When she came to uni (and when I first met her) she obviously had “issues” but was generally getting on with life, however in her 3rd year everything seemed to collapse. This is when the problems relating to intimacy really started. Whilst things have got better, she really still hasn’t addressed the fundamental problems which caused her breakdown.

These days, she is living at home (being treated like a child by her parents, and not really given any space), in a dead end job that she doesn’t enjoy and doesn’t pay very well, and I think generally feels trapped. She wont stand up to her mother no mater how much she belittles her, and generally avoids doing anything that will “rock the boat”.

I think a lot of the problem when she comes to see me is that I am just very excited to see her and she is just glad to be away from home, so just wants to collapse (she will sleep up to 12 hours a night when she is here!). At least, things between us generally seem to get better rather than worse the longer we spend together in the same place.

So, on the basis of this I have invited her to come and live here for the summer, partly as a trial run and partly as nothing is going to get any better if she just stays where she is. If nothing else it should bring things to a head if they don’t get better!

Part of my problem I guess is that if it was clear she was a-sexual – just had no interest in sexuality, then that would be fine and make things simpler but from what I can tell she really dose have an interest in it, she just doesn’t want to admit that she dose! – SO frustrating! Well, either that or I really am all the things that I hate about what is seen to be “male behaviour”

She is not comfterbul with being complemented, often the best way to anoy her seems to be nice to her… I tell her she is beautiful because that is what I am thinking – not because I think I should. Seems as this is what I think most of the time when I see her it can be quite demoralising always being afraid to say whats on my mind. Anyway – she says its that I say things like that to often, though from what I know of I will generally only vocalise things like that once or twice a day to her at most!

It is interesting what you say about shame, iv never really thought about it like that – and lets be honest im very guilty of shame of my sexual self. Though with her its more like to hide from her problems she trys to live her life as if she was 12, only she isn’t and all this dose is gives her a way to avoid dealing with the real problems in life. I guess part of my problem is that I feel her pain to so just end up torn between wanting to be emotional and intermit together and not making her just feel so un comfterbull she cant cope – ending up leaving me feeling even more worthless than I normally do!

She dose open up to me occasionally, normally when she is almost asleep so not so in control of herself as she trys to be. In this state she generally agrees with my prospective on her and what she really thinks etc, but this never seems to help with actually doing something about any of it!

The thing about “because your supposed to” is something else which always worries me. I cant think of anything to make me feel worse about myself than if that was the case with her. I don’t think that (in general at least) it is, mainly due to the vigour she goes at it with when she is interested.

My problem iv always had when considering changing to more of a friendship type relationship is how to do it. When I have talked to her about this as an option if she dose not want a more intermit relationship with me she is very adamant that she dose not want to be “just friends” as it were and just needs time – I just fear my patience is starting to run out though – I feel iv waited a long time now!

I think your suggestions are great, iv actually tried to suggest similar things to her before now. I can understand why she avoids / dosent want to – I think I am much happier with my sexuality than she is and at times I almost die with embarrassment at thinking about it. Any suggestions would be greatly received – I try to keep a few things in mind for when she dose open up about these things.

That is quite alright – im always a great believer in brutal honesty – the world would generally be a much better place if everyone just said what they thought! It is really really great to be able to talk to someone outside of mine (and her) circles and be able to make some objective comments on my thoughts – just wish you could on hers to!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Before anything else, I'm going to ask that you please avoid being judgy about yourself or your gender. I don't see you engaging in or expressing anything I'd say is terrible behavior or "terrible male behavior" here.

You have sexual feelings. You want a sexual relationship with someone you have them for. They appear to agree with this, but also clearly don't want to in some ways, or aren't okay with it in some ways. This is confusing for you, validly. You also are trying to work all this out with a lot of care for this person and yourself. None of that is anything terrible in my book. It's all human, and it appears to me you're handling it as well as possible, given all the many barriers and limitations in this situation.

Living with two parents with mental illness is very major, both in having grown up that way and still living in it. being persistently bullied is also very major. So is depression and anxiety. Even one of those things, by itself, can cause a good deal of trauma and problems. All of them is a LOT for someone to grow up with and grapple with. So by all means, any or all of those things may play a part in any of this.

quote:

The thing about “because your supposed to” is something else which always worries me. I cant think of anything to make me feel worse about myself than if that was the case with her. I don’t think that (in general at least) it is, mainly due to the vigour she goes at it with when she is interested.

With this, what I'd suggest is that you try not to take this on or internalize it. If YOU have not told her she is supposed to or that she has to; if YOU have left room for it to be okay for her not to be sexual with you, always, then this is HER thing to deal with, not yours. You also are not responsible for the cultural messages someone else internalizes in any way if you don't yourself enable them. Know what I mean?

Clearly, you're inclined to be pretty rough on yourself, so I'm putting in a vote for trying to only take responsibility for things you are truly responsible for, okay?

quote:
My problem iv always had when considering changing to more of a friendship type relationship is how to do it. When I have talked to her about this as an option if she dose not want a more intermit relationship with me she is very adamant that she dose not want to be “just friends” as it were and just needs time – I just fear my patience is starting to run out though – I feel iv waited a long time now!
here's the thing with this. For starters, this isn't always something where both people agree. If you feel like a sexual relationship with her isn't working -- and honestly, I'd say it's clear it really, really isn't -- you get to decide, all by yourself, not to participate in one anymore. Obviously, it's more ideal when everyone can agree, but sometimes, that's just not how it goes.

It might also help to think of this as about compatibility. Someone can want to be sexual/intimate with me, but even if we both want that, the ways myself and someone else want to be sexual, experience being sexual, and conceptualize sex and sexuality won't automatically be a good fit just because we both have sexual desires and the desire to be sexual together. Know what I mean?

I agree: it sounds like you feel WAY more at home and comfortable with your sexuality than she does hers. It sounds to me like if being sexual with a partner is truly something she wants, and these dynamics aren't just about how you two, specifically, are as a mix, then she has a lot of personal work to do before it's going to feel really okay to her. In other words, it's clear to me you two are in very different paces with this, with few to no bridges in between, and seemingly none she actually wants to build.

So, maybe the next step is to talk about what YOU feel you want and need in a sexual partner. Putting this partner aside, can you get very clear with what you want, with what the kind of sexual and romantic relationship you want would look like and be like to you if you could have absolutely everything you want?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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301
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You are correct, I do have a habit of being very hard on myself (though im no way near as bad as I ust to be), I have also suffered from fairly serious depression and a lot of bullying in my time. I guess this hole saga has been slowly eating away at my confidence to know what is right within these realms – though I think that’s fairy understandable!

Yes, my general conclusion is that most of these problems are due to her very low self esteem due to how she has been treated by life. I guess part of my problem is that I don’t want to just make everything worse for her (though logically treading water as I am isn’t exactly making anything better!). Though every time im at the point of going “that’s enough, im off” things seem to get a little bit better, just enough to make me hold on.

Yes I know what you mean – I work quite hard to not internalise things like that – it is very easy to do so when your feeling a bit low.

I guess part of my problem is I am a fixer – I spend my life fixing things, its what makes me tick – and whilst deep down I know that I cant “fix her” I do so desperately want to and always feel disappointed that I can not succeed!

I see your point, im not very good at doing things “for me” if im honest (though im sure that wont surprise you!). I guess the point I was trying to make is that she seems to think that she wants an intermit / sexual relationship with me, even if not this instant.

She did come up with this idea to have time for just me – where she would do anything I asked (and from the few times its happened, she generally seemed to enjoy every minute as much as me if not more!) however whilst I quite like the sentiment, I really am not comfortable with being placed entirely in control. I wondered if there was a bit of it’s a way of her being able to do things she wants to deep down with out having to take any responsibility for them as it was “just for him” – though I may just be being optimistic there!

Yes, that is what it feels like to me (the sinic in me says that is because you have just herd my side of the story but the realist says that there must be at least some truth in it!). I guess having suffered from a lot of the problems she is when I was younger I can see the way out of it for her, even if she cant / doesn’t want to!

What do I want… now there is an interesting question. I don’t really know if im honest. I want to not be worried about sex, or more to the point I want it to be something I just don’t really have to think about as it just happens as a natural part of being in a relationship with someone. If im honest, I think I want the opportunity to explore what I might want or what might be possible with someone who I trust and will look after and encourage me when I am scared. I want to be encouraged to explore myself and to feel like if I or we do enjoy something, it is likely to happen again with out me having to make a fuss about it.

I want to not be strung along, I have spent my life being strung along by girls who don’t or at least don’t want to admit that they have any more interest than friendship in me – like it’s a bad thing (and I refuse to believe that NONE of them were attracted to me!). Maybe im just to good at being a friend! You become closer and closer and then when something feels like it should just happen they explode in your face. Tbh my other half feels a bit like that at times!

I want to know that someone can enjoy doing things because I do as much as I enjoy doing things because she dose and not be afraid to talk about anything.

I want to be passionate, and have someone be passionate with me, not have to think about it and just let ourselves be ourselves

In many ways, I just want to get on with my life! – dose that answerer your question? Lol, I don’t want much do I…

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sorry for the wait, got busy with packing. Afraid this is the only response I'll be able to leave before I go, but we can talk more after I get back on the 14th, if you'd like.

Again, I think you do a really great job with self-awareness and self-assessment. It's really good that you're very aware of what issues and insecurities of your own all of this triggers.

That said, that list you made?

I don't see a single unreasonable, unattainable thing on it.

I know it might seem like those things aren't so attainable, but remember that a) it's been at least four years since you dated, and "all your life" if you mean your dating life, in the time you were seeking out partners was probably around five years or so, right? Not a long time. Plus, how things have gone for the last four years and change may make you feel like those things are unreasonable, because most of them clearly aren't possibilities in THIS relationship.

Now, I do want to add one other thing. If your girlfriend does get VERY excited by the kinds of scenarios you talked about of domination and submission between you two, it may be that is the big part of her sexuality. Were that the case, things like thinking of sex as "naughty" might be, in part, how she frames things so they're exciting.

Now, I don't know if that's the case, you'd have to talk to her. I also don't know if a sex life made mostly of that kind of dynamic is what you want. lastly, that kind of sexual dynamic can only be healthy when there is a LOT of open communication and negotiation involved: so, even if that is what she wants and you're down with that, the lack of your communication in your relationship would have to radically change for that to be a good thing for you both, and an emotionally safe thing.

Here's my suggestion for the next week: give yourself a few days to really reflect on those things that you want. Be as honest with yourself as you clearly can be about if you think you can soon or ever find those things in this relationship. Maybe visualize yourself in relationships where most of those things are going on, see how it feels in your imagination.

Then rethink if this relationship is really one that seems likely to make you happy, especially if it stays just like this, which it seems likely to since your partner has a long history of not wanting to do anything to change how things are.

Next up? How about trying to have a big talk one last time, making clear how important it is, and how you two just can't move forward if she won't open up about some of this and really start talking.

Okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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That is quite alright – tbh iv had a very busy day or 2 (had to go and deliver a friends car he had sold to someone, only the car trailer I had progressively fell more to pieces as the day went on!) Still, got back, nobody died and got everything else done that needed to be done!

I have spent a lot of my life helping other people with there issues so I at least try to stay on top of mine!

Tbh, iv never really done “dating”, I sort of finally worked out how to do this hole dating thing and then very rapidly found a woman! Though tbh I always did think there was a good chance I would marry my first girlfriend.

Interestingly things seem to have got generally a bit better with her since she came to stay here for a week, she is very enthusiastic to see me again and dosent only phone me up to moan about how life is terrible! The former we will have to see what shes like when she actually dose see me and the latter is possibly more to do with life in general rather than anything specific about us.g

Interesting you mention about domination etc – over the past few months that dose appear to be something which will get her quite excited if she is in the mood – to her surprise as much as my own. I think you may be correct in relation to the use of the word “naughty”, though often even if deep down the thought excites her, it doesn’t always mean she will go with it. I have thought about trying to almost manufacture “naughty” situations, the problem is that if im honest I don’t really have the confidence to pull it off. That and weather she wants to get up to anything or not often seems to have very little to do with if she wants to or not and more to do with if random chance! Any suggestions? I also have thought that it would do her (and me arguably) good to do something to lower her (and my) inhabitations but I haven’t ever managed to come up with anything – neither of us drink (nothing moral or anything, just don’t really like the taste) and otherwise she is very good at avoiding anything which may do such a thing. My real problem is the getting started – that is what makes me unconfterbull, once im “in the swing of it” as it were im fine but I suppose the getting started can make me very venerable particularly as from experience she dose not always act positively, or even negatively in a caring way!

As for that as a dynamic – it can make me uncomfortable but only really as it makes me face up to my own insecurities – so with the right support it could well be a good thing for me. I guess I wouldn’t want it to be the be all and end all either – but hey, what do I know… lol. And yes, I guess I wouldn’t feel so insecure about it all if she would tell me some time other than in the middle of it all that she enjoyed it!

I have had various talks over time with her about these things, normally when I have been left feeling thuraly fed up and rejected if im honest. Normally she says something or other than convinces me that its all alright at the time, but I don’t really have any idea what! She can get very stroppy when I bring it up though, referring to it as “that conversation” and “we sorted this last time” and similar. Well – my take on this really is that even if we talked through a solution last time it cant be working as the situation has happened again. I asked her to write me a letter with what we disucused so I could refer back to it (seems as what ever it was it convinced me things were ok). The letter I eventually got from her made me very angry, I showed it to a friend of mine who described it as “¾ avoiding talking about the problem and ¼ blaming you for it”. I have never actually taken this up with her, I always meant to but some how it just never happened. I suppose I don’t know when to confront her – when she is in a good mood I want to just enjoy her being in a good mood and when she isn’t its impossible to talk to her about anything!

I guess a lot of my problem is I am deep down quite an optimist (I work hard to be so at least), and it is just so thurally frustrating when not that many relatively small changes would make a huge difference to her happiness (let alone mine), but she just wont bite the bullet and get on with it! I suppose there isn’t a great deal I can do about that though.

I hope you have a good trip to the UK, I will now be English and talk about the weather… its been glorious sunshine for the past couple of weeks, though today its threatening rain and a thunderstorm.

Don’t worry about belated replies – im just grateful for your input – you never know – give me 10 days and I may have more news (miracles may happen at least!)

Posts: 5 | From: UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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