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Author Topic: marriage
mossyred68
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I have been married for eight years. Out of eight years I've only kissed my wife open mouth probably 40 times. She says she feels closed in when we make out. I feel strange because I believe that kissing is a key part of a relationship.. is this weird or am I just over reacting? Please help!

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Semper fi

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Heather
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In a relationship that has gone on for eight years where closed-mouth kissing is clearly what the kissing-deal is, I think it's safe to say that this is just the way you two kiss each other for whatever reason.

I'm not sure I understand what your partner means (or you do) when she "says she feels closed." Does she mean she feels like closed-mouth is what feels right to her? Or that she feels emotionally closed?

Regardless, I don't think there is anything weird about the diversity of ways people express themselves with sex and affection. Not everyone likes open-mouthed kissing, or likes it often, while other folks think it's the best thing ever and want to do it all the time.

But it's clear this is making you unhappy, and however you feel about it is valid.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mossyred68
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She feels like I'm smothering her, but I like it and I feel like that's the only way to fully show affection. Closed mouth kissing is for public l, but once we are in the bedroom I feel we need to her more intimate with the open mouth.. basically I'm wandering if its a good idea to bring it up and make it an issue.

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Semper fi

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Heather
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Well, I'd say that if in eight years she has made clear that's not a kind of kissing she likes and finds feels good for her, nothing you say is likely to change that.

Rather, all saying you feel you need that is likely to do is to make her feel bad or make her try and force herself to do something she doesn't enjoy, which is never a good thing, not for her OR you, because I don't imagine you want a partner doing something that makes her feel bad or that you'd find it felt good for you coming from that place.

There are sometimes, if not always, going to be ways we're sexually different than partners, and those differences will need to be things we just accept as unchangeable unless THAT person changes on their own. In sexual relationships, we're always going to need to be making choices around these things based on whatever a given difference is no big whoop to us or something we can live with, or whether we can't, and simply find that we strongly want and need that given thing, so need to choose a different partner who has it in common with us.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mossyred68
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Yea that makes a lot of sense! Thanks a lot..
Another question- after we have sex, almost Everytime she bleeds. Then she will bleed all day the next day. She went to the gyno and he said her cervix was swollen.. so he put us on a no sex diet for 6 months.. does this sound right? The no sex thing puts alot of pressure on our marriage.

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Semper fi

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Heather
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Am I understanding right that she is only bleeding during and/or after sex? Not at any other time?

If so, by sex, what kind of sex do you mean: only intercourse, or other types of sex? Have you two already tried using more lubricant, making sure that -- if this is about intercourse or other kinds of sex with vaginal entry -- you're being gentle, and only having that kind of sex when she's already very sexually excited, including from other kinds of sex she enjoys happening before and during intercourse?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mossyred68
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After having vaginal sex she bleeds for at least 24 hours every time. We have to use lubrication everytime because she is always dry. We only have vaginal sex, nothing else

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Semper fi

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Heather
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quote:
We only have vaginal sex, nothing else.
That, right there, is likely a very big part of the problem. That is not at all likely to be a sexual dynamic that most people, especially women, even find fulfilling, but for most women particularly, it also doesn't do a whole lot when it comes to being stimulated and sexually excited.

My guess, then, is that she's bleeding because you're only having intercourse and always having it without also adding other kinds of sex to the picture. (That's also likely why her vagina always feels so dry.) Have you two ever talked about this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mossyred68
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Yes we have talked about it but it doesn't get anywhere.. what else is there to do other than intercourse? We have 2 kids together. The first child gave her complications after birth. We always blame the dryness and bleeding on that

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Semper fi

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Heather
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Unless her OB/GYN thinks that that childbirth was the issue, that's unlikely.

There's a LOT to do other than intercourse.

Let me toss you two links, you can take a look, and then we can talk about them if you like:
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/whats_sex
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mossyred68
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I see what your saying.. we do oral and massage and toys but they usually end up leading to intercourse. We Want to try anal but I'm scared I will hurt her. I really love touching and being close. It's hard to explain.. I'm sort of addicted to needing something sexual at least once a week. I just need to know how I can intensify sex to make her want to do it more. Like I said earlier the doc has us on a intercourse diet haha.

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Semper fi

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Heather
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If all you're doing is having intercourse, or everything always ends up leading to intercourse, I actually think your doctor made an awesome suggestion that will likely HELP your relationship, not put a strain on it.

So, how about you use this month to ONLY focus on kinds of sex that do not involve inserting anything into her genitals (vagina or anus)? If you two really focus on all those other things and communicate about them, chances are awfully good she'll enjoy herself more. You might also try each filling out the printable version of that stocklist I gave you above and comparing them to perhaps find some places you might connect and explore one or both of you hasn't thought of yet, or hasn't committed much time and energy to.

Now, whether or not that makes her want to have sex more, who can say. You can't "make" her want anything she doesn't, and shouldn't really be trying because again, that's not really respecting the fact that you're two different people and that sex is supposed to be about both of your needs, not just or mostly yours. And anytime our partners decline sex or don't want it, their right to refuse always has to go ahead of our desire to have sex.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mossyred68
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Thanks so much.. its good to have someones opinion outside the relationship.. you have been wonderful.. ill try this and let u know how it turns out

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Semper fi

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Glad to be of help. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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