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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Feeling insecure: inexperienced girl in her 20s.

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Author Topic: Feeling insecure: inexperienced girl in her 20s.
Member # 41936

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Hi! Sorry if this is too long and some sentences sound weird, but English is my second language.

This is the 2nd post I've started so far. Well, the thing is that last night I had a conversation with the 1st guy I felt in love with at the "old" age of 21 (we're both 24 now). Previous to that I had no experience whatsoever in dating, not to mention sex (apart from masturbation). The thing is that when I was in high school and later in college, I didn't feel any pressure about these things, since I was in the same situation as many other of my friends (the great majority of them started their dating and sexual lives in college). But when I moved from my country to study abroad for a year, my new mates were, except for very few people, more sexually experienced; one of my closest friends there was a girl who openly told the rest that she was still a virgin, something which the others couldn't believe was know, the social scene in which I was moving was suddenly totally different...My friends from high school and I were not waiting for marriage, we are not religious...Nothing held us back from sex, it's just that we were not actively looking for it and we were just living our lives while we found someone we felt comfortably enough to have sex with. But I was starting to feel behind the curve. That's why I kissed a guy who I wasn't attracted to; I was a bit tipsy, he went on for kiss and I didn't react, just followed him. Obviously, without any attraction, it couldn't possible be very nice. Then I started to have feelings for this guy...

My previous post was also about him, about how I thought that I was suddenly out of love with him (which was completely normal, since he doesn't really care about his sexual partners, so even less about people he's just flirting with, even if they are supposed to be one of his best friends, like I was). The thing is that I still had feelings for him; it was just that I had ended with the idealization phase. We continue to talk online every single night (he now lives away from my city, like 7h away by car), just like we've always did (that thing started when I came back home after my year abroad...he had the hope of being '**** buddies' with me...but I couldn't get to it, because, much as I wanted to be sexual with him, I knew that he didn't was very respectful of the people he had casual sex with...and it was obviously going to be very painful for me). The thing is that last fall I discovered through a common friend that he was now in a long distance relationship with a girl who was part of our group of friends while we were abroad...I'd just got back home after spending 4 days visiting him, and he hadn't had enough courage to tell me that in person. So, I decided to confess up. I wrote an email to him saying that unlike him, who liked me only as friend and physically, I've fell for him and that he was the 1st person I've had such strong feelings for. He reacted by telling me that he was sorry, but he'd never liked me, not even physically, that he only flirted with me in a 'friendly way'(even though last night he denied this, so...). I asked him why then he'd started calling me a prude after visiting him at his hometown for the 1st time - it seems that he expected us to have sex then, and after that he began an online conversation with me starting with this opening line: I think that if a girl don't have sex with me, she's a prude. I know, he's a total jerk, but he's got a lot of charm, too. To sum up, I've been asking him about lots of details of our relationship that I just can't understand if he just meant to have a platonic friendship with me, but he has never given me a clear explanation. He has called me a paranoid and said that it wasn't his fault if I've been living in a parallel world of my own creation. He has also blamed me for not telling him that I have deep feelings for him before. After a while (I asked him to take a break from our friendship so that I could move on), I wrote another email to him asking him to delete me from his contact list on messenger (I'd already deleted and blocked him from other social networks), because in messenger you can't delete a person completely unless that person also deletes you. I told him that I'd thought a lot about our friendship and that I didn't feel able to trust him anymore, so I wanted to definitely break up. He refused to delete me...and as stupid as it may sound it's been make me more difficult to move on completely.

Now I just feel anger towards him for trying to make me jealous telling me about other girls he was interested in, for keeping on calling me a prude, even after I told him that I prefer to have sex with people I really like and are respectful, for getting angry with me many times and never telling me why, for trying to manipulate me...I don't really know why, since I can't read minds, but I guess that either he doesn't want to feel guilty or he doesn't want to lose our friendship, or both. But I think that a good friend would have been more respectful in the 1st place.

The thing is that I feel so stupid for not being able of reacting against all these before, since I realized long ago that he didn't really care for some casual partners he had while we were friends. Besides, when I was a child I was bullied by a girl who was supposedly 'my best friend', so I should know better about this type of people. Anyway, I feel a lot wiser after this.

I went to a counselor from mid-October till mid-January, and also to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with a very mild depression mixed with anxiety, so I've been taking Paroxetine since January to help me concentrate and pass my last year at uni. In one of the conversations with my counselor I told her that I felt so silly telling her the whole story of this guy because I thought that it was all so immature, and she told me that it was normal, given that it was the 1st time I was in love with somebody, that I shouldn't worry, that maybe I was a little behind the curve, but that there were guys on his 40s going to counseling with her because of the same reason.

Now, I intellectually know that everybody follows their own rhythm when it comes to sex and relationships (and I don't care about it most of the time now that I feel better) but the truth is that sometimes I feel very bad about not having had a boyfriend or any sexual experience with anybody else but myself. I feel like I'm just like a teenager when it comes to such things, that's why I'm resorting to you guys. I've read some other people's concerned about similar issues here, but I just wanted to hear some input about my case specifically.

Thanks a lot for reading...and for the fantastic guidance and food for thought that you provide here! [Wink]

Posts: 13 | From: Europe. | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I'm sorry your experience with this person has been so not great. He definitely does not sound like somebody that it'd be healthy to be around, given the way he appears to treat people. Could you copy your contacts list from messenger and then delete your current account and open a new one? That might be a good way to get him off your list.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having chosen a relationship or to have sex yet. I didn't meet my partner until college. I hadn't had a romantic partner or even kissed anybody (in a romantic fashion) before that. Sure, I'd bumbled through a couple of crushes over the year...but never anything that turned into anything. In my case, I'd gone to a religious high school where we were taught that sex was a big no-no. Nobody in my peer group was talking about it. Generally, there was an overwhelming pressure to avoid ANYTHING remotely sexual, including thinking about it or (though never mentioned) masturbating. (I don't think this was in any way a healthy way to go about things, but was powerless to change that situation.)

So I understand what you're saying about feeling behind the curve. During my second year in college (before I got together with my partner), my cute physics lab partner walked me to my dorm and gave me his number. I had no idea what to do. It made me feel really inexperienced and somewhat embarrassed. He moved to a different lab that suited his schedule better and I never did call him.

My point is that it's okay. Everybody feels inept and inexperienced at some point or another...and the idea that it's only "normal" to do so is not really reasonable nor is it representative of what actually happens. Even for folks who have been in relationships, a new relationship with a new partner is going to have some awkwardness.

[ 08-26-2010, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 41936

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I've already manage to delete him by downloading aMsn, a free clone of Windows Live Messenger. The clone allows you to delete contacts even if they don't delete you, and the results affect your contact list on messenger. No need for changing my account! [Smile]

Thanks a lot for your answer, KittenGoddess. I really see your point of feeling awkward even if you're experienced, but sometimes it's so difficult to shut down what many people or society in general tell you about people who haven't been involved in a sexual or romantic relationship by some age. It's usually implied that they are deficient in some way. Sometimes I even wonder if not having had that type of relationships before has had an impact on my development as a person, if I've missed something important. Besides, even if my counselor didn't give too much importance to this fact (she just said that this type of story usually happens while you're in high school, but that 21-22 is definitely not that late), my psychiatrist pointed out the fact that I hadn't kissed anybody till the age of 21. In fact, I think that he took for granted that I was a total social inept because we also discussed about the fact that I've been always quite shy (not weird if you have an overprotective mother, your first experiences at school are far from great, and nobody tries to help you at that time when you're just a child).

I sometimes think that another reason that has kept my bond with that boy alive for so long is that, even if it was bound to be a bad experience, at least it was some kind of experience. Sometimes I even used to think that I'd feel better about myself if I'd had have sex with him, because now I'll have to wait even more till I find somebody I feel so connected to...I've been obsessed with my inexperience to that point. I think that he contributed a lot to that obsession, because he likes to brag a lot about his romantic and sexual exploits and he used to criticized that friend of mine who told the rest she was a virgin. But it was mainly because they made out one night but the girl wouldn't go "forward"...I really don't know how his opinions affected me so much, when he's clearly not a good person to be around. I don't know, maybe I have to work more in not letting people's opinion have such an impact on me.

Posts: 13 | From: Europe. | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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