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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » First time experience...kind of feeling down.

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Author Topic: First time experience...kind of feeling down.
laura90
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Well, let me tell you a little bit about me before you read my story. I'm 24, and for the past twelve years i've been pretty good at saying NO when guys try to have sex with me. At the beginning it was a purely religious thing, i was so afraid having sex would send me to hell that i thought..oh well, why go to hell for such stupid thing? And so i kept that way of thinking until i was maybe 19-20. Around that time, i was in a very bad phase of my life, i basically hated the way i look, i wouldn't even go out to the store to get milk. I was truly ashamed of the way i looked and i thought i was the ugliest person in the world...About a year ago when i was 23, i moved to a new city, and with moving came a bit of confidence i suppose...I was suddenly getting asked out, guys would ask me to dance at clubs, etc. So i started loving myself more and more each day.
Giving all of this, i had never touched myself before...I had masturbated, but i had never even attempted to get a finger in me. So for the longest time, i thought i had vaginismus. I'd go out with guys and we'd be making out and as soon as i felt a finger down there i'd start crying like a baby, i couldn't take the pain..it was too much.
So on november of 2009, i started getting together with an old friend of mine, i felt very safe around him so i asked him if he'd help me start having sex (because all the previous "fingering" experiences before).
So the first two times we tried, we could only get one finger in, i'm talking about 7-8 hours of being in bed, making out, teasing, you know, trying to get me wet so it wouldn't hurt. Okay only one finger. 1 month later we were able to get two in.
For some reason or another, we distanced ourselves. Mostly because he lives far away and it was a 45 minute drive.
Anyways, in february of this year, i started dating this other guy, and we'd do the same...oral sex, rubbing, fingering, etc. But still the pain was too much.
So last night, well, thursday night, I went out with a couple of friends and one girl, this one girl is supposed to be my best friend, and i always have her back. So on thursday i wanted to get wasted (i know it sounds stupid). So i told her if she could take care of me, because all the previous time we've gone out, she's the one that gets wasted and i'm the one who takes care of her. So she was like -SURE.
So we were dancing and drinking and all that regular stuff people do when they go out, and then a guy whom i had met just one day before, came to the club with us and we were chilling and everything was fine. Through the whole night he kept saying stuff like, we should go back to my place, or -you look really hot tonight, etc. And i'd just giggle and not take him very seriously.
Anyways we were about to leave the place, when me and my best friend go to the ladies room, and i start telling her about the guy's plan. I remember telling her something like...well i really don't wanna have sex with him, i just wanna make out and maybe i don't know have oral sex? And she replied with -You should tell him that, and enjoy life or whatever.
So i went up to the guy and told her exactly what she told me to, and he was like "Sure, i don't want to have sex either, let's just go make out and stuff"
So we get in a cab (the four of us), and we go back to his place. At first we were just hanging out in his room, but we'd go out to the terrace to have a smoke. Anyways, they were all in the terrace, and somehow i decided i'd go back to his room..and then he followed me; the door was open.
Soon enough we started making out in the bed, and then i asked him to close the door because i was embarrased my best friend and the other guy would see us. And then he turned off the light...And we kept making out and touching each other...and then i notice he touched himself, so i asked him if he would please go to the bathroom and wash his hands (im a little bit paranoid about precum), he AGREED. Next thing i know he comes back (we're both naked by now...almost) And i start jerking him off with him being on top of me...It took me a little while to figure out he had a condom on.
And i asked him why would he put a condom on? and he said something like -oh to be safe, just in case.
Anyway, we kept that going, and next thing i know he was inside of me. I dont know how it happened, i mean, i obviously know it happened, but, I don't understand why didn't i told him i was a virgin, or why i didn't tell him to stop. I'm not gonna use the "i was so wasted" excuse, i'm just trying to understand why would i let him do that, if i had been waiting for so LONG for the "right one".
I was panicking, but at the same time i was excited, or happy that he was inside me and there was absolutely no pain. I was actually very very surprised there was no pain whatsoever. If i were to finger myself right now it would hurt like hell, but he was able to have sex with me and there wasn't even a hint of pain.
Anyways, i'm not regretting what happened. I'm just kind of disappointed in myself first because
a) i would have never let my friend get in a car with some guy while she was drunk (i can actually remember endless times where i basically had to drag her back in a taxi with me so she wouldnt go with a guy). she was supposed to take care of me!
b) i had been waiting for SO long, and to have your first time at 24 like that ...it's a bit stupid. I would understand if i was 14...but im 24 i should've known better.

Again, i'm not blaming this on anyone but myself, i'm pretty aware it wasn't rape, because i can't remember telling him NO, and i know it wasn't my friend's fault, but i dont know. i feel very disappointed in her, and mostly with myself.
I feel like i've let myself down, completely.

And feeling as shitty as i do right now, i'm somehow "relieved" that the first time experience is now over, i know it's not supposed to be BAD...but it wasn't really that bad you know? It was just not what i had planned. (and i think that's what hurts me the most)

Thank you for reading, i just needed to vent a bit.

Posts: 35 | From: chicago | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Devanie
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Actually, if I'm correct, it IS rape. If someone is under the influence of something that might impair their judgment, it's rape.

If I were you, I wouldn't trust that friend to take care of me in situations like that anymore.

I know I'm quite a bit younger than you and so you might not want to listen to my advice, but... Can I suggest that you not go out and get wasted?... You don't want something like this to happen again. If you do feel the need to go out and drink/party, try to keep yourself at a reasonable amount. I've heard a LOT of terrible stories about rapes and people getting wasted at parties, and I really don't want that to happen to you (or anyone).

As per the fingering thing... if I'm tense at all in my thigh area... Nothing seems to fit. Tampons, fingers(even my teensy tiny pinky), nothing. And due to my religious upbringing and the abstinence only message I've received most of my life, I automatically tense up if I'm trying to put anything in there... So, maybe that's why it hurt so badly?

I hope this post helps you even a little bit. Sorry you're feeling crappy.

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laura90
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Oh please don't make me think it was rape, i'd feel even shittier. :/
Posts: 35 | From: chicago | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Green iPod
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If he was drinking too I don't think it'd be rape. Having sex with someone who is intoxicated is rape, but if they're both intoxicated I wouldn't think anyone is at fault.
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samanthamt
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I'm sorry that your first time didn't go as planned, but I'm glad that it wasn't bad. Don't be too hard on yourself. The first time I had sex it was all planned out and it was horrible, probably because I put too much pressure on myself. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes no matter how much you anticipate for sex and plan it out, you still end up being disappointed or confused. Especially if its your first time. After I lost my virginity I felt...lost, no pun intended. I hope you're feeling better about how it happened [Smile]

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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laura90
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Thank you samanthamt, that really helps a lot.
And yes, he was drinking too, so it definitely wasn't rape, just poor judgement on the both of us.
I'm feeling a lot better today, this is definitely something to learn from, and i'll make sure to never get that drunk again. [Smile]

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samanthamt
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Glad to hear that you're feeling better [Smile]

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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Devanie
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Sorry if I upset you! I guess I wasn't clear on the situation. I thought that he was (mostly) sober and you were drunk, in which case...

I'm glad you're feeling better, and I'm glad you learned from your mistake.

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laura90
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So i think i feel better, and then comes bed time and i just crying out of nowhere. I cant wait for this to become a thing of the past. :/
Posts: 35 | From: chicago | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
samanthamt
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I'm sorry that you're still upset. Would you consider talking to a counselor if you continue to struggle? I know that after I lost my virginity I went through sort of mood swings too, I was just really confused. Luckily I had my big sister to talk to, and that was really helpful.

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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shainamaydel
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my first time was kinda similar minus the alcohol...but the part where all of a sudden it just happened but i wasn't sure i had really wanted it--i didn't say no, but i didn't say yes to it either. he knew i was a virgin. turned out he was a complete douchebag, who a week later suddenly and with no explanation cut off all communication. so i think he only got with me to take my virginity, then didnt want an actual relationship (which i had thought he did).

I still struggle with it, because I have never had any sort of closure with him. however, having the barrier (no pun intended) of my virginity out of the way opened me up to having sex with my now-ex, who was completely the opposite--completely respectful, completely worshipping me, completely all about my pleasure. If i had still been a virgin, I wouldn't have known what to do with him (he was a virgin before me) and that would have been...not so much fun. So in a way i'm grateful, but i also wish i had stuck to my guns and said no thanks. *sigh*

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laura90
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I feel exactly the same way shaina, and the worst part is, after we were together, he deleted me off facebook and basically wanted zero comunication with me. I didn't even have the chance to tell him i was a virgin, not that it would've mattered anyway. I think of seeing him and telling him how i feel, but i don't think he'd care much, or even agree to see me. I think i'm struggling with it because what happened is such a teenage-ish thing, and now i'm in my twentys and it's like...there's no excuse. But really thank you for sharing, it makes me feel like i'm not alone. [Smile]
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atm1
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Hi Laura,

I can't take too long here, but I wanted to make a couple of things really clear.

1) Nothing's your fault for getting drunk. Your of legal age, and that's totally your choice. You don't consent to anything just because you're drunk--would anyone tell someone who got mugged after going out with friends "Well, if you get drunk, you should expect to get mugged?"

2) I strongly encourage everyone who's commented here to take a look at this article written by Heather that appears in the book Yes Means Yes: An Immodest Proposal

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mma
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I don't want to comment on this person's experience, and I know this is an old topic, but I need to let anyone know who may come by and read it like I did, that just because someone is drunk does not me he or she cannot commit rape. It is VERY important that people understand this.

http://www.smartersex.org/date_rape/facts_myths.asp:
Myth:
If both people are drunk at the time of the incident, no one can be accused of rape.

Fact:
Being drunk does not mean someone cannot be accused of and convicted of rape.


http://www.wavaw.ca/index.cfm?page_id=21
Myth 19: If the attacker is drunk at the time of the assault then they cannot be accused of rape.
Reality: The attacker is responsible for their actions no matter how intoxicated they are. Being drunk is not an excuse to force sex on anyone legally. Being drunk is not an acceptable legal defense an accused rapist can use.

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Heather
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Thanks for adding those links and reiterating that, mma. We agree that that is critically important and that it's important for all of our users to understand this as clearly as possible.

I think it's also worth adding that alcohol usually inhibits physical sexual response, even though it may make people feel less inhibited sexually. In other words, earnestly drunk male-bodied people very often cannot achieve or sustain erection when highly intoxicated, and the idea that someone can be seriously intoxicated and rape someone "by accident," or without meaning to do what they are doing is mythology helped by ignorance about sexual function and rape-enabling attitudes.

People get drunk all the time and don't rape anyone. Alcohol doesn't make anyone rape anyone or make someone into a different person than they are sober. While rape rates are higher when there is alcohol involved, that is most often because it makes the victim less aware of their surroundings and situation to see danger coming and/or because perpetrators recognize that and exploit it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lilerse
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You said "and next thing i know he was inside of me. I dont know how it happened". That sounds like rape to me. Especially since you TOLD him ahead of time that you didn't want to have sex. It is seriously not ok for him to not respect that.
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