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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » orgasm issues

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Author Topic: orgasm issues
poeticretellings
Neophyte
Member # 38840

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i am well aware that it's totally normal not to orgasm every single time i masturbate or have any kind of sex, and i can accept that. i'm sixteen and my problem is, i'd like to be able to actually reach an orgasm at times when i'm not just alone!
this was a problem with my ex-boyfriend, and admittedly, i blamed him for it a little bit. i can now definitively say, it wasn't him.
my problem is such:
i can not EVER, no matter what, orgasm when there is another person in the equation. it doesn't matter if that's phone sex and mutual masturbation, manual sex, or oral sex (i haven't progressed past that point with anyone yet), it simply DOES NOT HAPPEN.
i, admittedly, masturbate a lot. sometimes with porn, sometimes without, and orgasm is usually not a problem. there are those days when it doesn't happen, but i'm not worried about that.
what worries me is that the minute i bring another person into the mix, the option is immediately off the table.
it's not as though i don't want to be engaged in sexual activities, or that i'm not aroused, or that i'm not relaxing, or anything like that. it seems to be just flat out, that i can not make it happen when someone else is involved. and i'm starting to feel like it's some problem with me.
as i said before, i had this problem with my ex-boyfriend, and i'm now having it with my current boyfriend.
i deeply trust him, and we have thus far proved to be very sexually compatible. i would like to engage in sexual activities with him now and in the future, possibly, have intercourse with him. and i would sincerely like to enjoy all of those things.
what's wrong with me? and is there anything i can do?

Posts: 6 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Obi
Activist
Member # 39222

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I know someone else will likely come behind who's better at finding/inserting helpful links, but I thought I'd offer a few words. I would not say there's anything wrong with you at all. I don't want to generalize, but I know in many cases most people who are able to reach orgasm through masturbation weren't able to have an orgasm the first time they masturbated or even the first few times. It's not surprising, or unusual, that many people (most?) aren't able to have an orgasm right away when they have a partner, whether their first sexual partner or new ones.

If nothing else, it can take a while and communication for partners to figure out what their partner enjoys. On top of that, it seems like you might be experiencing a lot of worry about this. Although you might be relaxing to a point, it's possible that by concentrating on orgasm as the goal you might start getting anxious that you won't now (or ever) have an orgasm with a partner which can make it harder to reach that place in itself. Plus, you might be missing out on what you do enjoy that isn't centered all on having an orgasm.

For now you might want to just decide that you're not going to worry one way or another whether you have an orgasm, but instead just focus on trying to find between you and your partner what each of you enjoy. It's important to note that you can have sex without orgasm and have it be very enjoyable, just as it's possible to have an orgasm that's just so-so. And a last note, it's not unusual for women to not be able to orgasm through intercourse alone, which might be helpful to keep in mind in the future.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Nice input, Obi!

poeticretellings : Can I ask, during all your previous sexual experiences where orgasm didn't happen, if you were deeply enjoying yourself during these activities? In other words, okay, so you didn't orgasm: but did you enjoy yourself? Did it all feel physically and emotionally good? As well, did you feel earnestly comfortable in being very open and vulnerable with those partners?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
poeticretellings
Neophyte
Member # 38840

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thank obi, everything you said was really helpful.

heather, i suppose i never really thought about it, but yes, in general, i would say i have enjoyed myself during sexual experiences without orgasm. i would say i felt physically good, and in most instances emotionally good. i don't know that i was entirely comfortable being open or vulnerable with past partners, though i do feel comfortable with my current partner.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay.

So, sounds like you've been a lot of the way there, but not all the way there.

Sometimes -- for some people, or in some situations -- a person just doesn't feel able to fully "let go" in the way that we need to to reach orgasm with a partner or partners. Do you know what I mean? In other words, sometimes, a person may simply not feel able to be that open, so may kind of keep holding themselves back from orgasm, either consciously or unconsciously. Having an orgasm with someone else is something where we can be even more vulnerable than during other parts of sex: most of us can tend to make funny faces, funny noises, to feel out of control in those moments. That given, that can require more openness and vulnerability, and that's not something we'll always feel open to being, or something we'll feel safe or sound doing with every partner or in every sexual situation.

So, with this partner, why don't you give things some time, and just see how it goes. Do what you can to try and leave your concerns about not reaching orgasm at the door, and just go into things as open as you can, and just let yourself enjoy the sex you're having, whatever that is. If you find yourself thinking about orgasm and if it's going to happen during, try and let that go: trying to make orgasm happen, or focusing on it is actually the main reason orgasm often won't happen for people. If you're focusing on that, and not just flowing with your enjoyment, not only will you not likely orgasm, you'll probably both have much less satisfying sex altogether.

And check in with yourself: if you feel like you need more time to get to that point with someone, be sure and take that time, rather than going into any kind of sex too hastily for your own pace.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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