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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Hurt, upset, and confused

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Author Topic: Hurt, upset, and confused
Atonement
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Member # 42492

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a few months, and I love him very, very much. The problem is I’m not always sure it’s entirely mutual.

(By the way, I'm 19, and He's 22)

It seems like he only wants me around when he wants me around. One week we’ll hang out and have a great time, but the next week, he’ll hang out with his friends every night and refuse to do anything but text me. We only hang out if HE wants to, if I want to do something and he’d rather play video games, go out with his friends, or just sit and do nothing, I’m out of luck. Now, I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to do all these things, but I’ve been wanting to hang out with him all week, and he’s been acting like I’m annoying him by asking.

Every time I ask him “do you want to do something tomorrow?” he doesn’t even give me the courtesy of saying no, but instead says “I don’t know”, so I can’t figure out what I’m doing until the last minute.

It’s the same with sex. We never really have an opportunity for enough privacy to enjoy sex unless his parents are gone (they’re gone a few weeks every couple months). While they’re home, he goes on and on about how he wishes they’d leave, plans out all the days we can get together on his calendar, gets me all excited, and then will only want to do it once. And of course, the minute they get back, he’ll start wishing they’re gone again. It’s like he only wants it when he can’t get it, and I feel really strung along by him getting me all excited and then having no interest.

Also, he was my first. Back when we first had sex, he was always talking about marriage and showering me with attention and love. He certainly didn't pressure me to have sex, but i feel like the things that i based my decisions on might have been him not even knowing what love and marriage are, and that he never meant with i thought he did. And i wonder if I'll regret sleeping with him.

He seems to think that a couple “I love you” texts a day is all I need out of a relationship, and the rest of it should be determined by his whims. Right now, I feel like he doesn’t even think of me as a living, breathing person with feelings, but a pretty little accessory he can show off, and then forget about whenever he feels like it.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but I don’t think I’m making my point or communicating to him very well. The last time this happened was a little over a month ago. As soon as he realized how hurt and upset I was, he took me out, we had a really nice day, and he was really great to me for a few weeks, then it’s back to the same old crap.

The truth is, I’m probably exaggerating. I tend to blow things out of proportion when I’m upset. It’s just, he’s left me hanging again, and my feelings are really hurt. I’m really sick of only having a part-time boyfriend.

I don’t know what to say to him, or how to explain how I feel. He’s usually easiest to get a hold of by text, but I don’t know how you can have that kind of conversation like that. I really love him, and I don’t want to break up with him, but I don’t know if I can stand putting up with this for the rest of my life. I just really want to fix this problem…

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just to check in, is this still this same person?

I don't think texting is, at all, a god way of communicating things of this seriousness and depth. You need in-person conversations for that.

One thing I'd first suggest is not thinking about this as what will happen for the rest of your life. This is about right now, your relationship right now, your life right now. This is not about 40 years from now, nor can you address relationship problems well if you try and project them into the future like that.

In talking to him about all of this, have you said what you've posted here?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Yeah, same person.

I feel a little better since he decided he did want to hang out today, but i know that still doesn't solve the deeper problem.

I have hinted at it, but i haven't said it as clearly as i did to you guys. Because, let's face it, in my post here, i was pretty blunt and accusatory. I'm afraid that if i told him the way i told you, i would come off as attacking him, and I'm not an argumentative person.However, i know I've been way to vague, and he's the kind of person who couldn't notice a hint if it danced naked in front of him and slapped him in the face.

But then, maybe I've dodged the tough stuff long enough and he needs a nice shock to reality.

I suppose you're right, i need to think in the "now" for now, It's just I've been so sure that he's 'the one" for so long, that the thought of anything else is kinda foreign.

I'm glad you linked back to my old post. It reminds me that the main issue is communication.

I had a talk with my mom about an hour ago, and she said that I should definitely at least make sure I wait a while and see if he grows up a bit between now and anything serious, because he's still a bit childishly self-centered.

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Heather
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Would you like me to do an edit for you of what you have posted here to give you an idea of how (I think) you might best present it to him so it isn't about accusations, but about what you want and need?

If so, I'd be happy to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Yeah, I'd really appreciate that!!!

Do you think that email is an acceptable way to tell him, or maybe a letter? I wish I could do it over the phone or in person, but I tend to stutter and leave things out.

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Heather
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In all honesty, I think talks like this really are best in person, and I'd have to say that if you two can't talk about things like this, and you don't feel able to talk to him, the problem here is bigger than what you've posted above.

To have a healthy relationship, you really need to be able to directly communicate. If to get started with talking, you want to do it with a letter, I think that's fine, but it's got to go to direct communication then. If you just feel like you can't, I'd pay big attention to that, as it may be a clear signal this just isn't a healthy relationship or one that's a good fit for you.

That said, here's my edit for you, as you can consider presenting it to him:

I love you very, very much. The problem is that I'm wondering if it’s entirely mutual.

I feel like you only want me around when YOU want me around or don't want to do something else. For example, one week we’ll hang out and have a great time, but the next week, you’ll hang out with your friends every night you only seem to want to text me. If I want to do something and you’d rather play video games, go out with his friends, or just sit and do nothing, I’m out of luck, even though when I go out with you, it's not that there aren't other things I might also want to do, but about taking the opportunity to spend time together when we can. I’m not saying you doesn’t have a right to do all these things, but I’ve been wanting to hang out with you all week, and I feel like I'm annoying you by asking.

I feel like you're a bit apathetic about me when I ask if you want to do something and you say you don't know instead of saying yes or no. That also kind of sets me up so that if I want to leave room for plans with you when you say that, I can’t figure out what I’m doing until the last minute, which feels inconsiderate.

Sex is another area where I'm feeling some of this. We never really have an opportunity for enough privacy to enjoy sex unless your parents are gone. While they’re home, you talk a lot about how you wish they’d leave, you plan out all the days we can get together on your calendar, and that gets me excited in anticipating that time, but then you seem to cave and often not commit to the dates we discussed and planned. gets me all excited, and then will only want to do it once. It makes me feel like you only want sex with me when it when you can’t get it, and I feel strung along by the dynamics of all of this.

While I recognize that relationships change over time, back when we first had sex, you were always talking about marriage and showering me with attention and love. You certainly didn't pressure me to have sex, but I feel like the things that I based my decisions on might have been him not even knowing what love and marriage are, and that he never meant with I thought he did. I take responsibility for my own assumptions and choices, but I also made them based in part on what you put out there, which seems very different from now.

I need more than a couple “I love you” texts a day out of a relationship, and I also need to have the feelings I'm having be shared and mutual. I need for a person I'm with like this to recognize that I also have a whole life outside of them and that my schedule is also important, and can't fairly be only based on someone else's. I can make changes on my part to try and balance that -- such as by not waiting around when you say you don't know if you want to do something -- but I'd also like you to make some changes too, like by meeting me halfway.

I’ve tried to talk to you about this, but I don’t think I’m making my point or communicating to him very well. The last time this happened, as soon as you realized how hurt and upset I was, you took me out, we had a really nice day, and you were really great to me for a few weeks, but then it seemed to fall back to the same old pattern. I need more consistency, and also need to feel like you want to spend time with me when I'm happy, not just when I'm upset.

In some ways, I feel like our relationship is kind of part-time, and that's just not what I'm looking for or need. I don't want to split up, but I do need to have my needs met, and I also want to make sure our wants and needs align, so we can both be sure this relationship is about what we both want and is great for both of us.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Atonement
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Thank you!!!
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Happy to help. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67928 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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