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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » I am a tangled up mess of self-esteem problems.

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Author Topic: I am a tangled up mess of self-esteem problems.
Member # 34427

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I recently realized that I seek validation from men. I've been struggling with an eating disorder for a couple years (I am in therapy for it), and I have very low self-esteem.

Two summers ago while on vacation, I made the stupid, stupid mistake of going to a lifeguard house with a lifeguard. He insisted that I lay in bed with him. One of the first things he asked me is if I was a virgin (I am). He wanted to give me a massage, straddling my back, and was kissing my neck. He started making out with me, and kissing and fondling my chest and gropng my legs/butt. I was extremely uncomfortable, but afraid to tell him to stop because we were alone. I was so stupid for being alone with him! I completely blame myself for what happened.

But at the same time, I felt like, "Well, I guess this is the best I'm going to get." It felt really good to be wanted. But after I got home from that vacation, I felt really violated - it was my first "sexual" experience with a guy. When we made out, that was my first kiss! For months afterward, I was homeschooled because I was sick. With all that free time, my mind constantly went back to that night. It was an accomplishment to go literally 30 seconds without thinking about that night. I had to describe in my mind what I was watching on TV in order to not think about it. I had trouble sleeping because I couldn't stop thinking about it. Whenever his name was mentioned, my stomach turned. Up until a few months ago, I feared all men.

Am I wrong in thinking I was violated, or am I just being ridiculous?

Now, and I don't know if it's hormones or a lack a of self-respect, but I feel like I would have oral sex/intercourse way too early into a relationship. I'd probably only wait a month or two. I can't attach any emotional significance to sex.

I'm worried that when I do get into my first relationship, I will have sex way too early and regret it later. And I see myself initiating it, not the other way around.

What is wrong with me? I feel like I have to set rules for myself (like, "wait 3 months before having sex, even if you want it on the second date").

But then I read experiences of other girls and they usually waited about 6 months before having intercourse for the first time because they weren't ready. Why can't I be "not ready"? I feel like a whore.

[ 06-25-2007, 02:26 AM: Message edited by: apocalipstick ]

Posts: 13 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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Have you mentioned any of this to your therapist?

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34285

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i would say your definantly not wrong to feel violated. He insisted you do something you didnt want to and you felt uncomfortable. you were kind of pressured into it. As far as not being able to wait long enough. The next time you do something sexual make sure you feel comfortable with what your doing and who your doing it with.

~Smiley~ =)

Posts: 169 | From: usa | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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