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Author Topic: Can't Come (and then some...)
lydia88
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I have a series of questions (sorry if this turns out lengthy, but please bear with me.....) :

I spent more than a week with my boyfriend, and while there was lots of sex, there were only orgasms on his part.....

Here are some Do's that we did in order to get to climaxing

1. He was very helpful and encouraging asking me "what do you like?" and telling me "I really want to make you come"

2. I've tried touching myself when by myself, and just don't get anything from it. I don't even always try to rush myself into climaxing; I just massage, touch, tease, and get nothing in the end [Frown] I daydream about sex (get a little turned on), look at mouth-watering men on tv or mags, but NADA

3) My boyfriend and I did discover spots where I love to be touched: my ears, my breasts, my back, my neck.....when he does't right feels great!! but still no climaxing :/


4) He found this spot inside when he fingers me, that he said feels kinda hard (it's way up there so I gathered my cervix.....?), and I don't think it feels that great, but when he touches it I get more wet, and the sex is more comfortable.....and more pleasurable.....

5) He turns me on [Smile] I just don't quite get there [Frown]


Some don'ts that we commit

1) I don't think he realizes that I'm not that turned on at first. I mean, he jumps right to it, and can climax after a while (not too soon), but sometimes I feel like I needed more caressing, or I guess foreplay. That I know is my fault :/ I should of said something, but it's easier said than done!

2) On the fist day of that week, we had sex for four hours. As it was, I was low on sleep and exhausted from the trip over there. I also had a really stressful week before.....as soon as I got to his room though, BAM, we did it [Razz] Four hours, but no orgasm.....

3) I was sore of couse from much sex, but there was also some discomfort (and a little pain) when we tried to have sex.....There were times where it was even difficult for him to put it in me, part of it was cause of tension I guess, not being that wet, but he also thinks that the hair down there (which I trim, and I also get waxed to get most of the hair down there off) makes it harder for him to enter [Embarrassed] Eeeek! Could this be it? I mean, I wax as far as I can tolerate, otherwise on my lips hurts a little too much!

4) He told me that it hurts him a little too cause his skin get pulled too far (he's uncircumsised), which makes me paranoid that he's not enjoying the sex either (so it's like, where are we going with this!?)


5) Sometimes it hurts in the area between my vagina and anus because it feels as if he might almost be entering there (wrong hole [Embarrassed] ) and I guess because the base of his penis is bigger, and doesn't quite go in.....I also didn't like using a condom (he's my only parter, he does pull out and we plan on trying Vaginal Contraceptive Films) because it wouldn't go all the way down his penis and it felt a little uncomfortable.....


Another question: There were some points when his penis had what looked like discharge (from me) on it which was a little lumpy.....he asked me if that was normal and I had no idea and was altogher embarrassed by it :\

Later I would get discharge on my undies that looked similar, but it went away after a dew days. How normal is this? Since it's gone, is there a way I can prevent it from happening again?


So.....


I know that stress, being sleepy, and not so ready to go can contibute to lower libido, but is there any hope that I can climax regardless? After a while, I would enjoy the sex, but no orgasms happened for me. I know they don't always have to happen, and I don't expect to every time, but I would really like to experience one.....

I apologize for the lengthy question, and I will REALLY appreciate feedback!!!!! Thank you!!!!!

[ 03-30-2008, 02:39 AM: Message edited by: lydia88 ]

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"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

Posts: 3 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
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Welcome to Scarleteen Lydia! There's a lot of stuff to cover in your post so I apologize if I miss something.

First, I'm going to link you to a few of our great articles from the main site to get started:

From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
Is THAT All There Is?
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Pink Parts - Female Sexual Anatomy

Second, this is stated in some of the articles, but it's worth repeating. Really concentrating on getting an orgasm will likely be a big barrier to actually getting one. Not only that, but very few women can get an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. There simply aren't enough nerve ending in the vagina for it to easily happen. Usually, clitoral play is needed, as that is really the place with the most nerve endings.

Third, sounds as if you know this already, but it's a good idea to incorporate foreplay before jumping right into things. If you're not fully aroused before starting, you can encounter difficulties with penetration, and are likely to feel some pain. It's most likely that this is what happened, since I don't think your pubic hair would make it that hard for penetration to occur. Good on you for communicating with you boyfriend though. I'm sure you know how important that is.

Fourth, have the two of you been using any lube at all? That's usually extremely important and needed to make things go smoothly (pun unintended). If you haven't, that's likely a large part of the reason for the discomfort both of you have been feeling.

Fifth, some of the things you've said worry me a little. The discharge you mentioned could indicate an infection. Have either of you ever been tested for STIs ? It's not sound to just assume that you and your partner are clear. You can look at this article for more information on healthy vs unhealthy discharge for you: Honorably Discharged: A Guide to Vaginal Secretions. I would recommend that both of you get a full STI screening as soon as possible as well.

Sixth, the pull-out method is not always effective, since pre-ejaculate can be present. Because of this, you might have had pregnancy risks. If it's been more than 120 hours since your risks, it's too late for emergency contraception, so you'd have to wait to see if your period is late.

Seventh, Vaginal Contraceptive Films are a lot less effective than condoms, and other kinds of birth control. Have a look at this article to see all your different options: Birth Control Bingo!.

Alright, I think I've covered everything. If you have any more questions, please feel free to come back and post them here. Hope this helped. [Smile]

[ 03-30-2008, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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Vero
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Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lydia88
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Vero,

Thank you so much for the articles! I haven't quite read through all of them yet, but I did read the discharge article, and found this bit useful (but still have a few questions):

"Don't forget... if you're having heterosexual intercourse without using a condom, know that semen substantially alters the pH of the vagina (our stuff is alkaline, and their stuff buffers that, which is great for reproduction, but not so wonderful for keeping the vagina in balance). So, it's normal to have your discharges or scents -- when people experience "fishy" smelling vaginas, and it isn't BV, it's often simply residual semen -- be a bit different for a few days, just from that alone. But if those changes last more than a few days, it's probably something else."

I gathered that the discharge might have been from the four hours of sex, and also because I was supposed to start my period later that week.....my discharge wasn't quite like that before, and after a few days, it did not stay like that. It was a little thick and white, but the only sign that botherd my was that it was a little clumpy.....if it went away shound I still go to the Gyno?

As far as STIs, he's been my only sexual partner and he's only been with one girl before me who was also a virgin when she met him. We are in a serious relationship, so I trust that there has been no one else, but I take your advice seriously when you say that I should check the discarge out. The other thing is, I've always been really sensitive down there, since I was in fourth grade as far as the Ph balance and what not, so I thought maybe the hours of sex sort of got to me......


We did use lube, and it was better [Smile] The ky 2 in 1 massage lube kinda dries quick, but there was this jelly lube that was better.....I just kinda am embarassed that I need lube becaue I'm 19 and I thought that at this age I should be wet plenty.....I guess a societal assumption? hehe


He's gone down on me, and it feels kinda nice, not that great, not quite what I expected.....I think I get more hot when he touches me all over and kisses my neck. I still don't really know exactly where my clit is either [Embarrassed] I was told that when you touch it, it feels uber sensitive and you might be able to see it come out a little.....I didn't quite get that when I touched what I thought might be a clit haha.....and when he touches that it feels okay...could this still be it ??


And as far as VCFs, I know he still shouldn't come. Condoms we use, but we both don't like them that much (not to say that we still won't give them a go). I talked to the doctor about Depo shot, which I decided not to get. I decided not to get on any birth control or shot for these reasons:

* I only see my boyfriend in the summer, winter, and maybe spring break because we go to different colleges......so, I don't plan on having sex any other time and I know it's a bad idea to get on and off birth control or shots since it will mess up my system.....

* I really like my flow. It comes around the time it's supposed to, is light, and only lasts around five days. I'm afraid birth control will change that.....

So, I decided to stick to condoms and VCFs [Smile] I understand your concern on withdrawal because there is a chance of sperm in the precum to get me pregnant :{ I did get my period last week though (thank goodness), and will continue to explore other methods of contraceptioln :>

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"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

Posts: 3 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Neha-RoX
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about the 4th point in second section, u can use a thin condom and that would solve the problem. even i hate condoms and my bf is also uncircumsised
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-Firefly-
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Hi Lydia,

If the weird discharge has gone away, it might mean that everything is ok, but I would still recommend that both of you get tested. As well, it's important for a woman to see a Gynecologist at least once a year when she's sexually active.

Some STIs can be transmitted non-sexually. Oral herpes (cold sores) can be transmitted through sharing a glass or getting a kiss from a family member. If a person has a cold sore, or even if they're starting to have one, they can transmit it to the genitals if they perform oral sex. So, it's possible to have herpes, and still be a virgin.

Also, it really is a misconception that women need to produce the only lubrication. Often, how wet a woman is will depend on several things, including how aroused she is and what part of her cycle she's in. So, there's nothing to be ashamed of about needing to use lube. I personally find the jelly/thicker lubes work better for me, but you can experiment with different ones to see what works best for you and your partner. I have seen Astroglide recommended several times on this site as well.

Have you looked at the Pink Parts article I linked you to? It has a diagram that shows where the clit is which might help you. There's also a bit of a description, and some information on wetness.

As Neha stated, you can find some thinner condoms which might feel better. Here's some info on condoms: Your Map to the Condom Aisle. If you use a condom correctly, VCFs are probably not even necessary, and they could actually cause irritation, which can make it more likely to get an infection.

As for birth control, it sounds as if you're not interested in a hormonal method. I don't know if you've seen this in the Birth Control Bingo article I linked you to, but you have the option of different Cervical Barriers (Diaphragms, Lea's Shield and Cervical Caps). As stated in the article, these would generally need to be used with a spermicide though, but if you're comfortable with that, it may be an option for you to look into.

Hope this helps! [Smile]

ETA: Just to make sure I cover everything: Condom Basics: A User's Manual. There's a little bit of information in there about putting on a condom if you're uncircumcised. It might help with the discomfort your partner is feeling.

[ 03-31-2008, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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Vero
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lydia88
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Vero,

Thank you so much! This really has been a lot of help and I appreciate you dishing out the articles! I look foward to reading them.....

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"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

Posts: 3 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
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My pleasure! [Smile]

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Vero
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timtam
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Hi, I'd just like to reassure you a bit about the whole 'needing lubricant' thing. Don't be worried about using lube, a lot of women do, and using enough lube means condoms are less likely to break (less friction and so on). I recently started the pill and have been self lubricating a lot less than usual, so lube really makes things a lot more comfortable. I think it's a bit of a misconception that women have to get really 'wet' on their own - sometimes it just doesn't happen!
Also, regarding the contraceptive pill, most people say that it makes their periods more regular, not less, and with ortho-tricyclen and so on, you can manipulate your period so you only get one every three months (which is safe - and it may be more convenient). And your period usually stays light, since one of the ways the pill works is by inhibiting endometrial proliferation (so there's less to be sloughed off during your period). Anyway, bit of a long post, but I hope it helps somewhat.

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