Hey all.. I'm sure you get this kind of stuff a fair bit.. but.. hopefully someone might have some unique feedback for me.
Alright.. so my story starts off with a girl.. we meet in gr6.. do the whole akward friends thing.. me being the geek type.. ask her out in grade 8.. she says no.. we stay friends. We both then go to the same high school, but end up having a fight over a mutual friend, and end up stop talking. I proceed to have a couple of short lived relationships, she goes along her way.
Then During the end of grade 10.. she finds out about my grandma dying, and we end up becoming really close friends again. Just let me say that although we have very little in common, we can seem to end up talking for hours and hours..anyways back to my story.. Around this time i end up breaking up with a girl who I had been going out with for about half a year. A few weeks later, the friend asks me out, and I said no, as i felt i didn't currently want a relationship.
Even after that happened, we continued to stay very close friends (texting, chatting, going out quite often with mutual friends, and often by ourselves). That summer though, near the end of august, she ended up having unprotected sex twice with an older coworker. I had been texting with her that night, and knew something was up, but was powerless to do anything as I had gone to my cottage with my dad for the weekend.
Thankfully, she took an ECP, and didn't become pregnant. And, at my persistance, she went in to the local health clinic and got checked for everything, and was thankfully negative.
Around a month after this all occured, I went to one of her friends house along with her, and we ended up getting intimate. This began a long period of a very imbalanced relationship, one that was probably caused by me I'll admit. On one hand I loved being with her, but on the other I just didn't want to commit, looking back it was stupid, but hindsight is 20/20.
Sorry for this being so longwinded, but here's where we're at now. After the confusing state we had been in for about a year, we decided to actually go out, and things have been going great. We know each other like the back of our hands, and I can honestly say we're happy. The sex is also good, but there is one caveat. I know the following is probably going to sound very immature, and very irrational, but it's how I feel, and I'm wondering if anyone might be able to share some advice. I am currently, a virgin, and she obviously is not. Although I'm not hung up on waiting till I'm married, or anything of the sort, I just have a huge mental block associated with sex with her. It seems whenever the topic is brought up (which she has a few times) I can't stop thinking back to what happened that summer. It honestly angers me and frustrates me, so much that I wonder how I could become that controlled by my emotions. I just seem to relive that night in my head, the sketchy phonecalls, the text messages with him involved. It honestly makes me see blood I'm that angry, angry at myself for not stopping it, angry at him, angry at her.. and I just don't know why. It's honestly stopping me from having sex with her, even though in every other way I want to.
I have discussed this issue with her as well, and we talked about it for a while, however quite akwardly. She tells me now that she regrets it, and that the only reason she did it was because she figured nothing would ever happen with me and her. This only frustrates me more because she didn't know how much I cared for her at the time.. Most recently she went to the health clinic again to get checked out, and was negative for everything, but this only brought up the memories again for me. We did this in the hope that we might be able to have sex soon, but I still have these emotions about me, and I think it frustrates her because she wants to do it.
I'm sorry for this longwinded, and probably very unreadable post... but it feels great to get this off my chest... even at the ungodly hour of 430am..
thanks for reading.. and hopefully someone could possibly share some advice.
Posts: 1 | From: Brampton, Ontario | Registered: Apr 2008
| IP: Logged |
Sounds like you might not be in a sound space right now to be having sex with this partner with all these emotions and anger going on in your head. I'd try to figure those out first before getting intimate with that given partner.
Obviously, what happened between your partner and her coworkers is past and you can't change any of what happened, as much as you'd like to. I think part of being with that partner involves accepting her sexual history just as it is, even if you do not like it and what happened between her and her coworkers just happen to be part of that history unfortunatly. It might also be a good idea to try to focus on the present more than the past although I agree that might be something difficult at first.
That said, I'd give it some time in order for you to process your thoughts. Of course, talking this out with her might also be a good idea as well as letting her know about your decision to wait before having sex if that's the decision you come up with.
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.