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Author Topic: What do YOU think are...
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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...your biggest barriers to sexual enjoyment?

In other words, if and when you have any troubles with arousal and/or orgasm -- whether it's an ongoing issue, or when it just happens sometimes, as it does for everyone -- for yourself, what would you say are the big reasons why?

For example, do worries about pregnancy and STIs create a barrier? Lack of trust? Lack of time or privacy? Performance concerns? Poor body image? Feeling like you don't know what to do, or can't communicate about sex well with partners or at all? Things just not feeling natural or easy for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Faith54
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My biggest barrier pretty much in life is worrying too much. Last time I was over at my boyfriend's, my dad was recovering from violent stomach flu, and just that thought over my head prevented me from enjoying anything sexual. So if I have a lot of homework or chores to do, I don't get "in the mood" too quickly. Sometimes I find myself thinking "What would my parents say if they knew I was doing this?" and that can be a problem. Essentially, I suppose stress and family matters are my biggest barriers from enjoyment.

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"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

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ghostie
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I never know what to do personally, I feel bad because I never want to go on top..because I just can't do it.. It doesn't feel good for me, I don't know how to move, and if I find a way which feels good for him I get cramps in my thighs and feet and eventually just get so tired I have to stop. It makes me feel bad because I wish I could do something like that for him for once without getting so tired...
This kind of dread and overall exhaustion all the time anyway makes it hard for me to get aroused in the first place [Frown]

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fille_francaise
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I would say that most of my "inabilities" come from my worrying. Since there is never a great place to make love to my boyfriend, we usually resort to doing it quietly so no one will wake up or hear. So, during those moments I'm usually more concentrated on that than anything else, which ruins the moment most of the time.

I also worry that I am not fully pleasing my partner, or that my body isn't... pretty enough.

Silly thoughts go into my head, most of the time. :]

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LadyLuck77
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Well, I'll just be blunt and totally honest here. I enjoy vaginal sex immensely, and have never had any barriers to enjoying it. But oral sex is quite a different story. I have NEVER orgasmed or even come close to orgasm from oral sex...and I have been experiencing it for over ten years now. I think I was worried that some of my female fluids would be displeasing to my partner. Or the horrifying thought of a bad odor somehow being there -- even if I was scrupulous in cleansing myself. I still don't really know why I absolutely cannot enjoy oral sex. It's a great mystery to me.
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Menthol
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I find it to be extremely hard to be around someone, nude, for the first time. I don't know why. I'm hardly a super-model, but i'm not an especially insecure person.

So often enough it takes several weeks or even months to work up the nerve to that that big step. After that, though, it's all gravy.

I've been fortunate in that my partners have all been understanding of this particular vunerability of mine... and that none of them have poked fun at me for critizied me or my appearance during that first delicate encounter.

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"I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction."
~Ayn Rand

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SmileyGuy1974
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My biggest barrier to sexual enjoyment is stress.

Stress can take a couple of different forms for me. Whether it's partnered sex or solo sex, stress over work, life, etc. can diminish my sexual enjoyment. If my "mind" is on other things, it's not on sexual enjoyment; and if it's not on sexual enjoyment, then I don't experience that true mind & body connection that makes sex so great. In other words, it's difficult to get the most out of sexual activity when I'm thinking about the 25 files sitting on my desk at work.

The second kind of stress I feel is when I first engage in sexual activity with a partner. It's kind of like performance anxiety, but a little different. You see, I'm not so much concerned with impressing my partner with any sort of skill or technique. My performance anxiety stems from being a sexually liberal person. My concern is that my partner would be uncomfortable with my liberal approach to sex. I like to try to make sex fun and enjoyable, just as much as I try at other times to make it passionate and romantic. I think there can be just as much laughter in the bedroom as there is heavy breathing.

In any event, I've found that talking about sex with my partner (before engaging in it) clears the air about expectations and activities. It lets me see if I'm starting a relationship with a sexually conservative person (who I may need to help out of their shell) or a liberal person, like myself, who may actually bring me out of my own shell.

[ 01-02-2007, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: SmileyGuy1974 ]

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Airem
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My Biggest wall is the fear of pregnancy. it's not really a wall but a constant bothering after thought. I love making love to my gf but when were laying there afterwards the troubling thought works like clock work.
"what if the condom leaked and you didn't know it?" It kills me for a solid half hour to where i want to cry then i just forget about it and repeat the process

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As The Shadow Follows The Body, As We Think, So We Become.

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BrowniesRock
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Hmmm...my biggest barrier to enjoyment is probably a lack of privacy. My boyfriend and I hardly EVER get any time alone, and we're nt even allowed to have bedroom doors closed. So, we always have to be very quiet and cannot take off any clothes or do anything that would put us in compromising positions if someone were to walk in. And when we are alone, it is usually only for 20 minutes or so, so we have to move quickly and are under constant anticipation of someone coming home. It's very difficult to lose yourself in the moment and fully enjoy the experience under such conditions.

Also, as I have previously posted, I have yet to have an orgasm (Possibly the result of not being able to relax and not having enough time to concentrate on finding out what "works" for me, now that I think about it). This can also be a barrier to enjoyment because any time things start to feel really good, I get to thinking that I'm finally about to orgasm and find myself anxiously awaiting orgasm rather than enjoying the moment.

Interesting thread, by the way.

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"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."
- Henry David Thoreau

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Beach Girl
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Shyness and just general inhibitions are my biggest barriers to sexual enjoyment. I know it would be more enjoyable for both my partner and I if I would take charge and be more active in the bedroom, but I feel like I just can't. I'm worried about doing something my partner will find silly. I am working on getting over this though, and I think things are going to improve.
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MissSmarty
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Right now I am not sexually active vaginally and am in every other way, but there are a couple of barriers that have hindered my enjoyment. The first one is pregnency concerns. I am constantly thinking about what touched what and if when I put the condom on my boyfriend precum somehow got on the outside. The second thing is my obsessive compulsive thoughts. I have a lot of different types of OCD probelms, including Pure O, which is pure obsessional thoughts. So if the OCD is acting up that definately gets in the way of my enjoyment.
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katherose
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My boyfriend has a very busy schedual, so I certainly don't get to see him as often as I'd like. When I do get to see him, we're usually not alone. I don't really like him touching my vulva directly, it just doesn't feel very good and I'm not quite comfortable with it. I haven't been able to tell him this yet, but I'm working on it. I am insecure about my body, and even with constent reassurence, I still don't like it.
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kluekozyte
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The biggest barrier to fulfilling sex with my girlfriend is definitely a lack of time and a lot of parents (4, between the two of us, to be exact). It's awfully annoying when you're about to come and there there's a knock on the door that sends you scrambling for cover. I can't wait for more privacy.
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summergoddess
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We've been together over five years. We've come a long way overcoming sexual barriers. We used to have sexual barriers of lack of privacy and time before we moved in together almost two years ago. There have been other barriers such as stress or just being darn tired. That only happens on occasion.

For me, there isn't any barriers for me to enjoy sex at all. However, Isaiah worries at times of how loud we are when it comes to having sex because we're in an apartment, and there's still people living in the same building. I'm more vocal, and don't care, but he isn't. So I'm looking forward to him being more expressive and vocal during our love making once we have gotten our first house.

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~Jules

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