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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Unable to masturbate

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Author Topic: Unable to masturbate
Kotori
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I have a really good friend, who I sorta 'went out with' for a short time, and we both remain really close now. He had no sexual problems while we were together, even though we didn't engage in intercourse; and as he's told me not long ago, he masturbated normally, thought not really often.

After we ended our 'relationship' - it was a strange one to say the least -, he got really depressed - he's really emotional -; and some time after that, once we started to talk about it, he told me that he hadn't masturbated ever since we broke up. I thought it was nothing to be worried about, since he said it was just that he didn't feel comfortable doing it because it reminded him of me, and so refrained from doing it, just because he didn't want to.

However, more than four months have passed since we broke up, and some days ago he confessed to me that he hasn't been able to masturbate even once since then. He says that it's not that 'it reminds me of you' thing anymore, at least not much, but rather that he feels really bad and uncomfortable while doing it.

If it would be that he didn't want or didn't care about masturbating, that wouldn't be a problem; but since he's told me that he's really tried and really wants to, but doesn't feel good while doing it, makes me wonder. I don't know what to make of it, or what to say to him... I guess it's a psychological thing.

What do you think? I'd like to help him, since he seems really frustrated about it... [Confused]

[ 04-09-2006, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: Kotori ]

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Heather
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Can I ask what his tone is when he talks to you about this?

That just seems a bit odd, boundary-wise, to talk about with an ex-lover, even if one has gotten close as friends since.

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Kotori
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He's a really shy person, and doesn't usually talk to me about 'serious' or really personal things unless he's worried about them, and never otherwise, but the fact that I'm the person he trusts most remains all the same.

I guess that you think that he might be trying to get a reaction out of me? That he might want me to 'help' him, out of 'pity'? If that's the case, that's not it. We've established our boundaries, and even if we remain really close, that is just not an option. Besides he's not like that.

And I know that's a weird thing to bring up between ex-lovers... but as I've said, we had a really strange relationship, and we were good friends as well before we became 'something else'. Now, well, we are able to speak about anything, even if he gets all shy and hides beneath his t-shirt while telling me this [Roll Eyes]

[ 04-09-2006, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: Kotori ]

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Heather
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quote:
I guess that you think that he might be trying to get a reaction out of me? That he might want me to 'help' him, out of 'pity'? If that's the case, that's not it. We've established our boundaries, and even if we remain really close, that is just not an option. Besides he's not like that.

Yep, was just checking to be sure you didn't think it was like that. [Smile]

Four months isn't really THAT long a time.

I'd suggest to him that there's no need for him to TRY to masturbate unless he actually has a strong desire -- a sexual and emotional desire -- to do so; unless it IS feeling good when he starts.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kotori
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Well, he's told me that he really wants to, but I can't know if it really is that important for him... I guess the best advice I can give him is to be patient... Thanks [Smile]
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Kotori
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Another thing, relating to this topic, and just out of curiosity... so what happens when you don't masturbate and 'get rid' of that semen production? Does it remain in your body, do you get rid of it somehow...?

Thanks [Razz]

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Heather
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Masturbation isn't needed, at all, for that.

The male body takes care of that all by itself.

(For more info, I'm fairly certain there's more info on this in our article on male sexual anatomy.)

[ 04-09-2006, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kotori
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I'm bringing this topic back once again...

... so this friend of mine who I talked about in the above posts, as I said, got into depression, more or less, once we ended our 'relationship'. That was more or less 7 months ago, and ever since he's been feeling worse and worse...

I'm talking about serious problems - as in nausea, strong headaches, fainting, blurred vision, insomnia, really strong heart pains, and overall permanent sadness and stress. [Frown] This guy lives more or less alone, since his parents are divorced and he lives with his father, who's never at home, so they hardly see each other; he's had problems with his friends and doesn't see them anymore, and he seems not to want to trust anyone... so, he spends day after day at home, alone, studying or doing whatever - and he hardly attends university anymore, but rather studies at home, on his own, so he hardly goes outside.

I'm the one and only exception to that, and in this past months, as he's started feeling worse, he's become more and more clingy of me, up to a point where I've started to feel asphyxiated by his attitude - he's one of my best friends, but I just can't be his best friend, sister, mother, lover, doctor and psychologist, all at once. [Eek!] But, no matter how hard I tried to convince him, he just refused to tell *anyone* about his health problems, not even his parents; and he refused to see a doctor. Yes, lately he has that 'leave-me-alone-it's-not-your-problem' attitude, and it got to a point where I didn't know what to do to convince him and so called an ambulance myself while I was at his house and he was having strong heart pains and breathing problems.

So he went to the doctor. They checked for brain damage, heart problems, everything, and they found nothing. It seems everything is working fine, and so I didn't understand what the matter was. Then, a few days afterwards, the doctor called him and told him that everything was probably related to him not sleeping well - and that's an understatement... it's been months since he's had a decent night's sleep, sometimes not being able to sleep at all during the whole night, and he doesn't know why -, and that he needed to fix that.

The doctor also told him that the result of the blood analysis showed that he had an extremely low level of endorphins, and asked him if he masturbated or didn't. He said he didn't - as I explained in the above posts, because he's unable to. The doctor advised him to try and masturbate often to increase the level of endorphins in blood and thus help him recover more quickly. Of course my friend didn't say a word of his problem with masturbating - although, I admit, maybe a cardiologist wouldn't be the best type of doctor to help him with that [Big Grin]

So the situation remains the same... he's tried, and, in his own words, he feels awful, not in a physical way, but in a psychological one, and in the end he needs to stop because he can't bear the feeling. He refuses to attend a psychologist, as well - childhood trauma, I think -, and so that leaves me with little I can advise him to do. Yes, he's my friend, but I do feel like throwing him off a cliff sometimes... [Mad]

So what might this masturbating problem be caused by, if he assures me it's not related to me anymore, and didn't have a problem masturbating some months ago? And which other ways are there to increase endorphin release into the bloodstream? I've heard about aerobic exercise, for example...

And thanks for reading through the mile-long paragraphs... [Roll Eyes]

[ 05-14-2006, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: Kotori ]

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LilBlueSmurf
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Honestly, it sounds like not being able to/not wanting to masturbate is the LEAST of this guys problems. I know you're trying to help, but i really think you need to lay off when it comes to helping him in this aspect.

The doctor also told him that the result of the blood analysis showed that he had an extremely low level of endorphins, and asked him if he masturbated or didn't. He said he didn't - as I explained in the above posts, because he's unable to. The doctor advised him to try and masturbate often to increase the level of endorphins in blood and thus help him recover more quickly.

This sounds REALLY off to me. Again, with all of the problems this guy is having, masturbation really shouldn't be anywhere near the top. Whether or not he masturbates quite likely has nothing to do w/ what he's currently experiencing. First the doctor says there's nothing wrong w/ him and then says that masturbation will fix him ...? Yeah. Something fishy there for sure.

It sounds like your friend is experiencing some depression and anxiety. You might not think that this would explain the physical symptoms but it really can. Depression can cause troubles sleeping and make you feel like you're physically sick all the time ... Anxiety can cause the chest pain you've described.

Your friend needs to see a doctor ... At the least, he sounds like he needs some counseling. That all said though, you can't make him go, and harping about it all the time (not that you're doing that; i don't know) is not going to help.

If you feel you can't handle being all of these things (as you listed) to him then you need to step back. If he's determined to go down (and some people do need to hit the bottom before they get better; i did) don't let him take you down with him. Suggest counseling and support groups to him and then keep your distance. You'll be of no help to him if you're depressed/anxious/whatever alongside him.

As for other ways of releasing endorphins, exercise is defineatly another way. If your friend is depressed though, it can be hard to get motivated to exercise, so i wouldn't be pushing that either. It sounds more like he needs professional counseling and maybe an anti depressant/anti anxiety med (but i'm not a doctor. I said maybe. It would certainly be worth exploring further.)

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Kotori
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Well, it's not that the doctor told him that he needed to masturbate in order to get better... I just mentioned that particular suggestion because it had to do with this topic. What the doctor said was that he had no 'physical' problems, and that everything he was experiencing might be due to not sleeping well and that low endorphin level, so what he had to do was fix those two things - and it was because of that that he asked my friend, among other things, if he masturbated, and then pointed that as something that would help him raise those levels as well as other things. Indeed masturbation is not the main problem here, it's just that he seems anxious about it to me... That's why I brought it up.

I know that depression can, and very probably is, the reason behind all these symptoms. He's never been the-happiest-person-in-the-world, but his doing-down was directly linked to his feeling-ill... So, just wondering, could depression be directly related to that low endorphin level? Meaning, is it a giveaway? I guess it is, but just to make sure...

The thing is this guy went to a counselor when he was younger, when he went through abuse, and ever since then he just can't stand counseling or anything of the sort; furthermore, his mother took antidepressants for some time, and he started to have problems with her because he claims she changed completely after that, so in the end he left his house and he doesn't live with his mother anymore because they argue constantly. I'm not saying that antidepressants might have that effect on someone's personality, because I have no idea, but since he claims that he doesn't want to take any.

So, to sum up, I have a friend who relies on me and no one else, who has deppresion and anxiety problems which in turn make him feel physically ill, and who doesn't want by any means to go to a counselor or anything similar, or to medicate himself because of it. I keep on suggesting him that to go to his doctor once again, but he doesn't want to, mainly because that would mean telling the doctor, or counselor, about himself, what he feels like, and he absolutely objects to that. I'm not able to cure him myself, and even if he's one of my best friends he's starting to make me feel emotionally drained, but I don't want to leave him alone because he doesn't confide in anyone else - even if it's only because he doesn't want to. So, what should I do? Should I try to leave him alone? Because I tried that for some time, he became a paranoid and tearful little boy, and it took me ages to get him to trust me once again... [Frown]

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Beppie
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Seriously, yes, I do think you should leave him alone. Certainly, make sure he has phone numbers he can call if things get really bad first, but you know quite well that you can't pull him out of this yourself. Make it clear to him that you're willing to stand by him as his friend when/if he makes some effort to get professional help, but you're not going to do him or yourself any good if you just let him drag you down into the pit of depression with him. He can shop around for counsellors and doctors who suit him. But he can't expect you to do those jobs.

If he was stuck down the bottom of a cliff, you wouldn't be able to pull him out simply by willing it through friendship. He'd need a properly trained rescue team, and it would be unfair of him to ask you to do their job, risking yourself in the process, without the proper equipment. This situation is much the same. Of course you don't want to leave your friend at the bottom of a cliff, but the fact is that if he refuses to have a rescue team, he's going nowhere whether you're there or not.

Leave him alone, and only go back to supporting him if he shows that he's making an effort to help himself by seeking the professional treatment that he needs, and when he shows you that he's not going to play unfair guilt games with you.

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