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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS & HELPS » Site Help and Service » was my post deleted?

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Author Topic: was my post deleted?
le pastie de la bourgeoisie
Neophyte
Member # 107536

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when i go into the "my posts" section the link to my thread is a link to a post made by somebody else.

i really am sorry if my question was inappropriate for the boards. i had no intention of hurting anyone, i promise.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Seasick: one of the staff temporarily moved it to the staff-only area until one of us could properly address it, given its sensitivity.

I'm not really at work yet, I'm coming in a bit later today, but I'll answer it and get it back visible when I am.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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le pastie de la bourgeoisie
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i understand. thank you, it means a lot that you're still interested in replying.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I was going to reply to you here in this thread, leaving the other with all the information in locked saved and talking a bit obliquely about what you asked about, but in a way where you and I know what's being discussed.

I figured that might make you feel more comfortable and emotionally safe, since even with the kind of anonymity this forum provides, it is still public.

Does that sound all right by you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(Alternately, you have the option of using our chat service to talk about this. I will be working it today all afternoon.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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le pastie de la bourgeoisie
Neophyte
Member # 107536

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i think we're on different time zones, so a reply here would probably be best (or through private message, if you can do that? i'm not sure how this works)
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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We don't PM with users. I'm in our chat service now -- the link for that is: http://www.scarleteen.com/webim/client.php?locale=en -- if you'd like to do this that way.

Otherwise, I can start talking to you here. Up to you. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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le pastie de la bourgeoisie
Neophyte
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sorry i missed you, i saw this just before i left for work. here is fine, though. [Smile]

[ 09-13-2013, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: seasick yet still docked ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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No worries, apparently we both have lousy timing. [Smile]

So, before I say anything else, I want to make one thing as clear as a possibly can.

Feelings and thoughts are NOT ACTIONS. They can inform actions, and they certainly often can motivate people to take action. But not only do they not compel someone to take action -- they can exist and we can take no action whatsoever with them -- they also don't mean, when we do take action based on them, there's only one kind of action we'll take.

In other words, if someone is thinking about something, or feeling something, that does or may involve doing harm to someone else were that or those things put into action, that doesn't make them a bad person or someone doing harm if they do NOT put those things into harmful or potentially harmful action.

Feelings and thoughts: not actions. feelings and thoughts: also do not dictate a given action or set of actions. Okay?

I don't think you're a bad person because of the thoughts and feelings you have had, and I hope, very much, if I can't offer you anything else I can help you at least start to let go of the self-hate you're having around all of this. We never, ever benefit by hating or hating on ourselves. Intense negativity like that about ourselves, if anything, only makes it tougher for us to make good choices and be kinder to others, because if we can't be kind to ourselves, it's awfully hard to really feel that for anyone else, if you follow me.

As well, no one else benefits by you feeling like shit about yourself. It doesn't keep anyone safe, it doesn't make anyone happy. It only brings you more suffering, and probably more suffering to people around you who care about you.

Many years ago -- over a decade now -- I did about six months of very intensive study in this area, including talking with researchers and therapists who worked with the population you've brought up, and members of that population themselves. So, just so you know where I'm coming from, I certainly wouldn't call myself an expert, but I probably am better educated in this area, and with less bias, than most. I do think that ultimately you'd be helped best by finding someone, a therapist or counselor, who really IS an expert in this area, and if that sounds good to you, I'd be happy to help you with that.

So.

The term you're using for yourself is one that I'd say is pretty iffy for someone to use who is, themselves, a young person and was, themselves, a young person when they started having these kinds of feelings. There's simply a certain age differential that tends to be needed to use that term, one I'm not sure we have here given your age.

This group of people, when that is who we are talking about, just so you know, tend to be very childlike themselves, in a way where adulthood, adults and adult sexuality often actually is very scary to them. For that reason, primarily, this is NOT usually a group of people who engage in sexual abuse or assault, because they don't tend to have any desire to do the activities involved in those crimes, with anyone. They're usually even grossed out by the idea of them. I don't know if any of that rings true for you or not, but I figured I'd put it out there so you can consider it, and we can have more information about if this population really seems like one you're a member of or not.

They are also almost ALWAYS male. Even researchers who work hard to make sure gender bias isn't coming into play with their study of this population will still state that.

This is just to get us started, but I figure right now it'd be best for me to wait on a little more feedback from you before I say more.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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le pastie de la bourgeoisie
Neophyte
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okay. i do have more to say, but i think i'd rather say it in chat, if you're in today?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I am, in fact I'm logged in right now. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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