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MusicPoetryLife
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There's an article entitled 'But intercourse DID totally change my vagina!" that I've been wanting to read for a while now. But every time I try to access it, a page comes up saying I need to be logged in to see it, but I AM logged in every time I check. The boxes are there for me to enter my username and password, but everytime I re-enter it, the page only refreshes back to the same page. I'm wondering if the article is no longer available, and if it is why I can't get to it.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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When that happens with articles, it means they got retired for some reason, but we still keep a copy of them for our records. However, only staff can access them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Thank you for the speedy reply. Poo though, I really wanted to read it.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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When we retire articles, it is usually for sound reasons, like either because the approach or information is outdated (in which case, we've replaced it with something more current), because it's clear a piece is redundant per other pieces we have that are similar, or because there is some kind of conflict.

If you fill me in on what you're looking for, I can likely help you find something. I recall that piece, and I assure you, we have at least five columns on that topic, debunking notions that standard intercourse can create or did create some kind of major change to the vaginal anatomy.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Ah, understandable. Well I wanted something that speaks to the changes of your vagina after beginning to engage in intercourse (if there are any notable ones). I've had intercourse about 5 or 6 times now, and it does look and feel kinda different down there.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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If those changes really did happen, I could send you to a piece on them. But they usually don't, which is why there isn't a piece to send you to, save pieces where people have really wanted to believe that, or were scared of that, and we've explained what is real and what isn't.

But it's not very complex, so I can do that right here for you, too. Let me be clear: if, before you began intercourse, you still had some of your hymenal tissue, then intercourse -- but not intercourse alone -- can play a part in wearing that tissue away gradually. But that's not exclusive to intercourse.

Otherwise, there's nothing intercourse CAN change unless it involves some kind of injury (like abrasions or someone having part of their vulva torn, though that usually is not an issue with consensual sex, rather than assault) or illness (like some sexually transmitted infections).

[ 08-12-2011, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Well my hymen is gone, I know that much, we got rid of that some months ago from fingering. I had a little bleeding anytime we did anything after that if it was intense, but I read an article on here that mentioned that it gradually wears away which is why I had the bleeding after. It's gone now tho.

As for the outer parts of my vagina, my labia (well it's more where my clitoris is I guess...I find it easier to identify the parts of a vagina on diagrams, but not on myself. T.T ) is a lot more vivid, it used to only get like that when I was aroused, but it's been a day and a half since I had sex and it's just kinda there now-but it's not as out as if it were all blood filled when I'm aroused. And it stretches a lot easier than it did before I started this whole business of intercourse.

I don't really mind all that, cause it makes it easier to inspect, but I was just wondering about it, and if there's anything else I should notice eventually (well you've answered that last part already.)

P.S. Sorry for writing so much, it's a natural habit.

[ 08-12-2011, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: MusicPoetryLife ]

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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Here's the thing. A hymen (or corona) isn't just there and then gone. It's never completely gone, period, for starters. It gradually -- way more than over a couple of moths -- wears away until the outer edge of it just kind of curls up -- in various ways -- just inside the vaginal opening.

And that process likely began well before anyone's fingers were in your vagina, sans bleeding. The bleeding also may not have had anything to do with your hymen. Was plenty of lube used for the fingering? was your partner very gentle? Were you always super-turned on? Did they always groom their hands carefully? If any of those things were NOT going on, bleeding could have happened for those reasons, too, having little or nothing to do with the hymen.

(I also just noticed you mentioned drinking combined with sex in another thread. When we're drinking booze, we tend to bleed more easily because of the impact of alcohol on blood vessels. So, there's also possibly that, too.)

The changes you are seeing to your labia are likely about your physical development. A lot of people associate changes that keep happening in the teens and twenties with sex that aren't about sex -- the labia growing or looking more prominent, hips widening, etc. -- which is unsurprising, since for a majority of people, those kinds of changes are happening at or around the same time. For instance, through puberty, which usually lasts until the 20s, sometimes longer, the mons keeps pulling back gradually, making the clitoris and labia look more and more prominent.

As well, the vaginal opening can feel less "tight" when you've engaged in sexual activity not because of physical changes, but because of simply learning more and more to be relaxed.

[ 08-12-2011, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Oops, sorry, one more thing I missed!

Again, looking at your other thread, it also seems pretty possible you might be having some swelling after sexual activities, and sometimes that can last a couple days in a way someone really observant could notice. I'm not talking about swelling with arousal (though with very high arousal, it can still make subtle changes for a little while after), but with things like overdoing it, using less lube than you were, or having a partner do something like continuing to try with intercourse quasi-aggressively when it isn't quite working out. Alcohol also kind of fools our minds into thinking our bodies are as relaxed as our heads are, but also inhibits some of our sexual responses, so if we're drinking, we can feel like we're aroused in our heads and feel a little numbed-out in our bodies, but have our body parts actually being hurt or roughed up in some ways we don't realize. If genital sex is going on with drinking, that's another reason swelling, not just bleeding, can happen. But again, those things are temporary, not permanent.

[ 08-12-2011, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Does all of that have you feeling pretty covered with this? If not, happy to keep gabbing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Ohhhhhh. I figured that since the bleeding stopped after the first few times, that was it. We did use lube ( I can't recall if we did every single time at first, but it was a general practice), he was pretty gentle, took his time-we usually sped up eventually but he made sure I was comfortable, listened to me to know if it was hurting or not (I used words, not 'Ouch'-well, sometimes the words came after the ouch but, yea) and I was always turned on-can't say if it was always 'super' but something like that. And his nails are always super low, and he always washes his hands before we start anything. Plus it started bleeding when he was going down on me once, and he certainly was moving very tenderly.

Now that I think about it, my vagina really isn't the same as it was say a couple years ago I suppose. It's all such an interesting coincidence if it is one, it wasn't this stretchy a couple months ago. But it's still good to know the reason, I try not to figure things are coincidence off the bat when it comes to changes with me since I've started sex. I guess I'm treating it like when I start a new medication-making observations of whatever is happening and then I find out if it's relevant or not.

I've been sober for all our escapades since the first time. Granted the last time we had a lil get together and I drank a little but that wore off long before we started anything. He wasn't aggressive, at least not in my opinion...I mean it never hurt me and it was all very pleasing. We still use enough lube to make it comfortable, that's the important part. It does cause a problem for him, which leads to another question i'd like to ask but I guess I should do that in a more appropriate place on the message boards (but if you're okay with it it'd be awesome if you could since you run this whole shindig and I like knowing what you have to say.)

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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Happy to branch the conversation into something else if you'd like. I'm here, you're here, so knock yourself out. [Smile]

(And really, a LOT of people -- a lot of people we see and hear from, anyway -- do assume changes to the body are about sex, forgetting their bodies are still sexually changing. It's so, so not just you. Think there are a lot of reasons for that too, everything from just not being very educated about puberty to even wanting/wishing sexual experience we felt were important DID leave some kind of physical "mark" on us to kind of reflect the import of those experiences.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Oh awesome! [Big Grin]

Well I'm only observing and taking stock; I don't need any physical proof in the world, I know how it's affecting me now so far. Rather unique experience, I must say.

Now to the current problem. Since you read my other thread, you might've seen me mention about him feeling little to nothing with the condom + lube combo. I took the advice I got, to know that my comfort is more important especially since I'm new to all this. He's not putting up a fight or anything because he places importance on my comfort over his pleasure as well, but he really isn't getting much out of the experience. And I really don't want that, I want this to be good for the both of us. He told me not to worry about, and I'm not worried per se but I still want to help make it better. As for birth control, I ruled it out for me based on the 'Birth Control Bingo' on Scarleteen, because of my current situation, and I think a barrier like the diaphragm would be the best thing for me. But these things aren't so easy to get to in Ja, I have neither the money nor the freedom to see a sex healthcare provider as often as I'd need/want to. So for at least another year, it's not really do-able. He was saying that Durex aren't as bad with him, just that they're a little more pricey than the ones we use now, I volunteered to buy them because he's having a really rough time with cash right now. But other than that, I don't know if we'll get to a point where we can at least use little or less lube? I'm wondering if that's an okay thing...and if there's anything else we can do to help it.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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Can I ask why you two aren't splitting the cost of condoms? He's a good deal older than you, no? And you're the one who could get pregnant and shoulder all of what that can entail, right? So, if he's really in a spot in life to be having sex right now, in my book, he can at least find a way to split the bill with condoms.

With the lube, can you give me a picture of how much you're using? And when you use it with condoms, is he putting a tiny drop inside the condom before he puts it on? When you two start intercourse, are you already very aroused and well-lubricated, or are you using an amount of lube to basically make up for not being lubed yourself at all?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Well he usually bought them before since we weren't actually having intercourse only attempting to with them and so it never truly crossed my mind. But since we officially started having full-on intercourse I bought the last two packs myself and that was only because I didn't necessarily tell him I was buying them beforehand, and it wasn't a big deal to me since they don't cost like a massive amount...they're about a US $1.50. The durex cost twice that. He'd have no problem with splitting, we do that with everything we buy together including lube. I only volunteered to get them the first time so he wouldn't have to worry about it, but we should probly go buy them together since Durex has a million options and he says they don't all work for him.

He would actually prefer it that way because he doesn't like it ever seeming like he's leaving things like buying things up to me. He left university a year ago, and he hasn't had a steady job since so he's living on like his last dollars. Even tho I'm not officially working, I make money from tutoring and I still have to depend on my parents, so I generally have more spare cash than him. He still lives at home with his parents but he hates having to ask them for money, so he generally avoids it. The situation is having a serious toll on him other than that, it's really draining him. And as great as our relationship is, the situation surrounding it isn't great, mainly cuz of my parents. He puts up with it, but he doesn't like it, neither do I. And then we had to go through all that trouble to even reach a point of us being able to have intercourse, and then he's not getting that much out of it...and I hate that. He mentioned last time that there's never a point in our relationship where things are just 'ok', and that's the truth. that's why I'm trying to help solve this, because it's more 'fixable' than anything else going on.

As for lube, we use like, half a palmful maybe? Or a little less I think. I never really judge the amount that way, but by how it feels when he puts it on. I'm always self lubricated beforehand, it's usually when he's going to do that whole penis entry thing that he puts it in my vagina. But I'm always pretty wet to begin with. He's never put it actually in the condom before. Usually he puts it on the condom after he puts it on, but if I'm putting it on (which happens less often) I put it on his penis before cuz I'll use it to give him a hand job.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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Sounds like dealing with the condoms and their purchase together is probably more sound, or just you buying condoms that you have and him buying condoms he does, you know?

I'd say half a palmful is quite a lot of lube, probably way more than you need if you're already starting very lubricated on your own.

If he puts a drop inside the condom, that provides him more sensation. Then, you two can just put a few drops on the outside of the condom or around your vaginal opening, only adding more as/if you need more.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
or just you buying condoms that you have and him buying condoms he does, you know?

don't get that part. But the dual thing is what we do with everything else as I mentioned, so we'll do that next time, no prob.

I might be overestimating still. And we have been trying to use less. I think I could be a little more relaxed, even tho I've gotten a lot better. We'll try the lube in condom thing next time. Can I get to a point of being comfortable enough to not need the lube, or is lube something that we'll always have to use?

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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You know, all through most of human sexual history as we know it, it's clear people have used lubricants for sexual activities where there's entry into genital orifices or other kinds of friction with delicate parts.

Now, that doesn't mean people always will need it or want it, but it's very common for people TO need it, especially when we're dealing with things like adding condoms, hormonal medication, people having circumcised penises, and some other things that can be/sometimes are different without "alteration." Even then, though, there are times in your fertility cycle you'll be wetter and direr, no matter how aroused you are. That's just biology.

Here's the deal, though: whether there's a lot of natural lube or a lot of lube-from-a-bottle, there's a lot of lube. So, if your partner's complaint is that he doesn't like how it feels if and when you're adequately lubricated, the answer isn't for you not to be, since that's not going to be healthy for your genitals (or those of any partner he has). What that's an issue of is him needing to get used to what these activities feel like when someone is adequately lubricated, if he isn't.

Alternately, or at the same time, it may be that vaginal intercourse just isn't his fave thing. Like any other kind of sex, it's not everyone's, our preferences vary. Maybe he prefers activities where there IS more friction, for instance, like manual sex for him with less lube?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Hmm, I never thought of it like that. But he says it's the condom that's more the problem for him, it's like having a plastic bag on your penis. He's always had problems with condoms, so he's told me. He also did mention the feel of condoms takes a while to get re-accustomed to, since he hadn't had sex with anybody for a good while before he met me...like 6 months if I do recall...and we've been together for about 7 months and we've only just now started having intercourse, so yea that's a while.

When we were having problems with having intercourse before, we spoke about why it meant more to him physically and otherwise than other sex acts-up to the last time we had sex I asked again-and the feel of it is the best for him. The orgasm is greater than doing anything else, and the whole experience of it means something to him; the premise of being connected to someone in that way helps him connect with a person in a way he can't normally.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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Okay, but it sounds like he still has yet to learn how to use condoms in the way where he experiences the greatest likelihood of them feeling awesome. For one, not adding a little lube to the inside. As well, we actually know from some studies on condom use that when people have cruddy attitudes about condoms? Those are the people who tend to find they impact their enjoyment most. In other words, it's usually the attitude, much more than the condom, that seems to be the issue.

Is he also sure to be using condoms that fit him well? One size or style really doesn't fit all: it can take a bit of experimenting with a variety for people to find what works best for them. Really, it shouldn't feel like a plastic bag. Barriers used properly just don't tend to feel that way (remember, not only people with penises can use them: some of us who have used dams over our vulvas have a good idea of what barriers feel like over our most sensitive parts, too). Bear in mind, too, how many people report that a condom slipped off without them even knowing: obviously, condoms don't have to feel like anything at all sometimes.

One other thing for him to maybe know and explore is that the kind of emotional connectivity he has with intercourse is something he really can likely bring to ALL sexual activities. Some people do bring the same level of connectedness to all activities, others don't. We can't control some level of how we feel around that, but often if only one activity feels major-connecty, and others don't feel that way at all, that's another place where changes to our headspace can change our experiences.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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That's what I said! I was saying to him last time that maybe if he changed his mindset about it, it would help. I tried an experiment with him-I made him close his eyes while I kissed and touched him, and just focus on feeling what I was doing, not expecting a feeling based on what exact spot I was in. I did that for a little until I reached to his penis and touched and squeezed it gently. But when I asked him if he could feel that, he said he couldn't.

I figure he made his conclusion about condoms after going through the experience of using them and not using them -with chicks on birth control-. He's been through enough to know what he likes so far...because he knows which condoms worked better for him in the past. I should probably ask him more about his experiences with that stuff. But I don't think these are a great fit from my opinion.

When I was querying about our sexual problems in the first thread, it was suggested that if he changes how he thinks about it, it would make a difference. I spoke with him about it, to try to understand what's the difference between each act and for him, it's the regularity of the feeling that makes intercourse different. With oral, there's more variation (which for me is part of that experience, and I can't just go up and down with my mouth, goodness that's tiring.) and he can't go as deeply or at the speed he'd like (moreso with me, I'm a tiny person and I have a tiny mouth, no deep throat from me.)

I think with sex he generally knows what he likes and what he doesn't like. He's pretty open-minded, but sex generates different sense of feeling for him and he says intercourse is what pleases him the most. I can't argue with it, I don't feel what he's feeling.

--------------------
I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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quote:
I think with sex he generally knows what he likes and what he doesn't like. He's pretty open-minded, but sex generates different sense of feeling for him and he says intercourse is what pleases him the most. I can't argue with it, I don't feel what he's feeling.
For sure.

At the same time, when we're talking about sex he is having with another person, then being very rigid about what he likes and he doesn't just isn't going to work, unless he only seeks out partners in life based on them liking exactly what he does, exactly the way he likes it. Even then, what people like and enjoy tends to shift over time: it rarely stays the same though life. So even that strategy would be very limited.

So, we've all got to be open to evolving when it comes to sex, and being flexible to some degree, something we can do while still wanting what we want, liking what we like, and only doing things we feel comfortable doing and want to do.

And the idea at that the tender age of 24, he's had enough of a sex life to be all the way through that process? For his sake, yours and everyone's, let's hope not. People in their 70s learn and experience new things with sex, after all. I'm in my 40s, and I know I still do myself, and hope that never ever changes. That's one of the biggest things sex has to offer us, really, is the ability to grow and learn new things and connect with people in new, sometimes surprising, ways.

(One last thing, though? Am I understanding that what he really wants to do intercourse-wise is be very fast, very hard and have an awful lot of friction? If so -- and I know, this is kind of a delicate topic and thing to talk about with someone you don't know -- know that that's not a way of having intercourse that is going to tend to work for most partners he has most of the time. What that way of going about that can be is really looking to replicate masturbation, which there's nothing wrong with liking the feeling of, but it rarely tends to feel awesome for the person on the other end, so people with penises usually learn to adjust how they're having intercourse so it's not like that. And that doesn't usually mean it never feels good for them anymore, either. Just usually means they learn new ways of feeling good that feel different than masturbation, something that can, of course, still be included in their sex lives, be it with partners or alone.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Heather
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(FYI? Good on you for sticking to your guns about needing condoms to be used when you're dealing with this stuff. Not everyone manages that, and it's really important, not just to prevent pregnancy -- and STIs, especially a biggie if he hasn't recently been tested and has had sex sans condoms before -- but also to just assert what you need for your own safety as the person more at risk of negative outcomes in the equation. Kudos!)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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MusicPoetryLife
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I have the biggest smile on my face right now. I was praying yesterday for help with this, and I'm glad I've found it. Funny thing is, it's actually easier to share things with people I don't know-I don't have to worry about your opinion of me, which I only worry about on subjects like these, so I don't really talk to my friends about them. And I'm always up for learning something new, especially about something I know practically nothing about. =]

He generally is an open minded person, if he was hard and fast about things we really couldnt be together. And there are things I've done with him sexually that he didn't know he liked, so there's that. At first I found that strange, because I thought a newbie can't teach a regular player.

Well so far, now that I think about it, it really has been hard and fast...not super super to an uncomfortable point, but I chalked that up to be him trying to feel it. And it hasn't been to a point of pain for me. It's been...a lot to take in, cause my God my nerves have never felt so much all in one time, but it's been really really good. And he has orgasmed on two occassions...the last time it was after we talked about this again, and I did that experiment thing, and suggested he change how he thinks about it. ...That and we did it doggie style, but I'd like to think the talking helped. ^^

We haven't gotten anywhere as far as experimenting and trying different positions or anything like that, because we always stop due to this whole condom conundrum. I think it will get better as we go along, I just need to convince him of the same I guess.

As for me sticking to the condom use, we both wouldn't do it otherwise given that's our only protective method right now. I brought up withdrawal last time (not thinking about actual doing it, but just to say why I wouldn't in case he was thinking of it) and he resounded with NO before I can finish the word. He doesn't want kids or STIs in the worst way, so he'd never. And I'd certainly never, one reason we took so long to get to this point was because I didn't want to try this whole intercourse thing at first, I'd proudly avoided it for years, I got enough pleasure from doing other things, and I surely wasn't into taking that risk. I'm glad I waited (even though I thought I'd have gone until marriage or even my 20s) but I didn't expect to find somebody like him this early lol. He's been really really helpful in the entire process, and as a person he makes sense to me for me, which doesn't happen. I've never been so comfortable, and I've never connected with anybody like this. Same thing for him.

His entire life is going pretty much on the down side, and I think that's affecting him as well. As he put it, he'd just like one thing to just be simpler right now. This has turned out to not be that thing, which only makes everything so more dismal in general.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Kachina
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You know, I think it's very unlikely that good sexual activities or good relationships are going to be "simple". It can be complicated to figure out what works for the other person, and usually takes time. This is irregardless of how many partners each person has had before, or how "experienced" they are, because everyone is different. If the sex is going to be enjoyable for everyone, it is probably not going to start out simple.

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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MusicPoetryLife
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So update.

He's still not feeling anything with the condom. And yes we tried the lube inside it thing, as well as buying Durex.

We've decided that we'll take a break from these sex things for a while(intercourse at least. Not neccessarily oral. I do need to work on that whole biting him thing tho-big lips, small mouth T.T.) He says he just needs some time to sort out some things himself, and I'm cool with that. A lot of it has to do with the other situations going on in his life right now, some of which I mentioned. So this is just kinda how things are now I guess.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Kachina
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Hi again Music. I find it very hard to believe he doesn't feel anything at all with a condom on. (Did you try the ultra-thin ones?)

I think it's a good idea that you guys are taking a step back. Some things you've said here have made me wonder if he is really ready for the kinds of sex you guys have been having.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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MusicPoetryLife
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You guys really do reply quickly ^^ that is always awesome...had I bothered to re-check this we'd have been having this conversation as soon as you posted.

We did try ultra-thins actually.

I know, it's weird for me too. But I don't know, that's what he says and it wouldn't make much sense to tell me that if it wasn't true.

It's ironic, I'd actually feel as if I'm the one who shouldn't be ready...I just thought about it, and I feel like I'm being told something...I'm religious and stuff, so I tend to think about the reasons for things in life, it's a principle that I've proven for myself many times.

But how could he not be ready if he's been doing this for years?

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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Readiness isn't a one-time deal. In other words, it's very situational, depending on the given relationships or interactions it might or does occur in, where we're at in our lives and our heads at a given time, the works. So, someone can be ready for sex in one situation at, say 18, but then, in another, when they're 45, not feel ready at that time.

If you need to look at that another way, think about it like this: let's say I run marathons. I've done a couple, but does that mean that I will always be ready for them? Nope. because at any given time, my body or head might not be in the right space for that, I may not have the time or resources I need to train for it, etc. Make sense?

But too, sometimes people may have thought they were ready for something, then figure out there really weren't and still aren't.

(Like Kat said on the condom thing, it's seriously unlikely -- impossible, really -- he is feeling NOTHING. Heck, put a condom on your hand, see what you feel. Sounds to me like even if he's not exactly being dishonest, he's definitely engaging in some hyperbole, here.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Oooooh. That makes sense. Well I don't really mind actually. As much as I wanted this, it's no big problem to me. I always felt like it meant more to him. I find this all so ironic...that he wanted to do this so much, and then when I'm finally okay with it, he's the one having the problem.

I know, I'm still puzzled by it. I used the analogy of having a rubber glove on his hand-if you can feel that, why is it that similar material going over a body part that's a thousand times more sensitive leaves you not feeling anything? He still had jusitifications as to why it's not the same. Even with the lube thing, that whether it's coming from me or a bottle it's still lube? He still says they feel different.

I was also looking into the fact that because his penis isn't always as erect as it could be if I can put it that way? That it's not filling the condom as much as it could/should, so that's another thing. And so I mentioned that his mind is basically what's controlling that in a sense...

He says he knows what he has to sort out in himself, so I shall let him, I just told him to talk to just keep letting me know what's going on.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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Something feeling different is a VERY different thing than feeling everything and feeling nothing.

Again, sounds like some serious hyperbole is going on, which is not going to be helpful for either of you. He has to know that exaggerating like that is going to have an impact on you. [Frown]

But it sounds like, for now, all of this may be moot if the kinds of sex where this is an issue are off the table. However, please do know that oral sex also poses risks of STIs, so if you're doing that without condoms, you can be putting yourself at risk. Since he's engaged in sex with partners in the past without using condoms, that's something to be seriously concerned about.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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Well it's impacting him too so...I mean, why would he do that? It doesn't make logical sense. And we're both very logical people. But I'll be okay. It's really him that's to be worried about. He's going through quite a bit, and this is now another addition.

I know of the STI risk with oral. He got tested the last sprint of time that he was sexually active, and he was clean. And I'm the first person he's been with since then. I asked him about this maybe a month ago, and he said we got go get tested together if I wanted. Should maybe do that before I go back to school.

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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I agree, the hyperbole probably isn't helping him, either: like we already talked about the biggest thing linked to poor experiences with condoms is poor attitudes about them.

Now what is another addition?

And yes, testing is something we always want to keep doing, and which he also likely needs again if the last time he was tested was only right after he'd been sexual with someone else (as things don't always show up on tests that soon). So, I think getting tested together is an excellent plan.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MusicPoetryLife
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In terms of us having problems with sex. His mind really isn't in a place to deal with another situation that seemingly has no present solution.

I look at everything differently, for me it's all part of the experience, but I'm not in his situation and I don't deal with things in the same way. We spoke about it at length yesterday, and I'm just going to be patient and understanding as much as possible, have no problems with that.

I shall mention the testing thing again. And maybe the nurse at the clinic could address the no feeling thing, at least for him to get things from another perspective.

Thanks to you guys so much again. You've really been a good support, cause I really don't have anybody else to speak to about this stuff. It means a whole whole lot. =]

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I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. ~Nina Simone

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Heather
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Okay, but you know what?

Taking a break from partnered sex really shouldn't be this huge, awful thing. And you're not even talking about stepping back from all sex here, just one kind, a kind, mind you, that quite a lot of people don't include in their sex lives while still feeling totally fulfilled, you know?

And you're so welcome! We're happy to help how we can.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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