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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS & HELPS » Site Help and Service » Where can I find articles or discussions on this issue?

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Author Topic: Where can I find articles or discussions on this issue?
charlotte sometimes
Member # 35522

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I have been looking around to find posts and articles on the site which involve the issue I'm trying to come to terms with. It doesn't exactly have one name so I guess that's why it's hard to do a search, etc.

(To note, I am female.)

I was recently pursued very strongly and intensely by a boy I know; I was convinced that his feelings for me were genuine and I in turn had strong feelings for him. Then, at the height of all good things happening between us (it isn't as if there was a conflict), he told me he thought he was gay.

Then he tried to take it back and tell me he still had feelings for me/was attracted to me/whatever it was that he meant in the first place.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it and reconciling it and mostly just understanding exactly what happened. I am not finding very much information on this side of the issue. It would help me to find something that would make it easier to understand what happened and exactly which parts of our relationship are genuine and which aren't. I might like to make a post about it in the future but I think I would feel a lot better if I just found some info or something written by someone else in my position.

Posts: 1 | From: United States | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey charlotte.

We have a few board discussions related to this issue, if you look around the GLBT relationships forum.

But even looking in that forum, I think you'll be helped by reading people struggling to figure out their orientation. It often tends to be a pretty tough process, especially in a culture which is so homophobic, and also so binary in its thinking about sexual orientation.

In other words, this guy may be gay, this guy may be bisexual. Sounds to me like he's having a tough time figuring that out (and it can be especially hard for men), especially if he does have feelings for you. Too, so often, people forget that our attraction to others has many facets -- he may have stronger sexual feelings for men, for instance, and stringer romantic feelings for women, or just feel romantically about you, even though he overall, feels attracted to men.

This, by the way, coming to you from myself, a woman who is a lifelong bisexual but who overwhelmingly came to prefer women, yet who found a great love of her life a couple years back who happens to be a man. Wasn't what I was expecting, and in a whole lot of ways, he wasn't within a lot of my preferences and orientation, yet at the same time, in many ways he very much was/is. All the same, we connected and still connect in a way I hadn't/don't often with others, the way our roles work works just fine for me, and not like most other male/female roles I've encountered interpersonally, and again, relationships are complex. While I am absolutely strongly sexually attracted to him, even if, for either of us, that faded at some point, our friendship is so much of the cornerstone of our relationship that I'm not sure how much of a difference it would make.

My partner feels fine about all of this, by the by, but at the same time, he walked in knowing my deal, we're older, and my sexual orientation was looooooong established by the time we met, as was the way I tend to dedicate myself to people in my life. As well, he understands for himself and in general the fluidity of sexual orientation, and wasn't looking for a "straight" relationship.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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