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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » TOWN HALL » Scarleteen Readers Sound Off On... » Sound off on... sexual negotiation success stories & helpful hints

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Author Topic: Sound off on... sexual negotiation success stories & helpful hints
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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What have your experiences been with partners in terms of discussing and negotiating sex together, as well as safer sex and birth control? What challenges and successes have you experienced?

What things have worked for you and what hasn't? What helpful hints can you give your peers when it comes to how to initiate discussions, have productive discussions, and work out conflicts?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68215 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
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So I've been waiting for someone else to post here first, but I guess I'll start...

I don't really negotiate when it comes to safer sex, but I've never really had to, because my partner is really into safer sex. Neither of us has engaged in intercourse, and I'm perfectly fine with him not wearing a condom during dry sex, but he wants to wear one, which I don't have a problem with either.

But, I'd suggest discussing EVERYTHING, at length. Before I got in the shower with my boyfriend, because he wasn't gonna wear a condom, eventhough I'm on birth control, we discussed EVERYTHING. We discussed every possibility of what we would do if I got pregnant, and it was actually really assuring to know that he was responsible enough to handle it maturely, and it made me feel really safe with him.

Anyways, when it comes to boundaries, I've never really had a problem with it. We discuss everything beforehand, and if during it, I have a problem I generally just tap him and he stops. I've been with people who generally aren't as attentive or sensitive, and my advice is, if you're with someone who, when you sit down with them and explain what makes you uncomfortable, and they don't listen, and you physically move them because you are uncomfortable, and things like that, get out of it as soon as you can, because the longer youre in it the harder it is to get out of it.

Talking about sex comes pretty easy for me. My advice would be to laugh about it. It's much easier when you're smiling, and the conversation is flowing easily.

I haven't had very many conflicts that have needed to be settled... The only annoying thing is that my boyfriend doesn't like to get tested so I have to drag him to planned parenthood- mostly because he desperately doesn't want his parents to know, whereas I can get mine done at the GYNs office without my parents suspecting anything. But it's like taking a baby to get it's shots, I physically have to put him in the car, and buckle him up, and take him kicking and screaming-its actually more like hyperventilating- he also hates needles, and he passes out-whereas I'm used to needles. And then after that we're good for a few more months. I think he understands, so he doesn't put up much of a fuss till about an hour before we go, but he sure doesn't like it. He told me he does that whenever he goes to the doctor to have any type of blood drawn, so I don't feel as bad... :/
But at first we fought about him getting tested, even though he's the one who suggested I get tested, he didnt think I was gonna make him, haha.

But basically, I'd say, be honest and safe... And laugh... Because it helps ease the tension... Because it's always a little awkward at first.
And stick to your guns! Don't let anyone compromise what you think is the right thing.

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Bun Bun
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I'm also lucky to have a partner that is enthusiastic about safer sex! Before we starting having sex, my partner and I took a lot of time to discuss the "what ifs", and how to prevent them. One of the things that really helped is that we had great communication before talking about sex. Since we were best friends for a year before we started dating, there was not really any awkward moments. A lot of our discussions were very casual, and I think that really helped to ease any tension there might be.

One of the challenges that we've had is that my partner cannot successfully orgasm unless he is being manually stimulated in a certain way. At first, I felt hurt because I could never really "get him off" properly. However, we've overcome this challenge by realizing that SEX isn't all just ONE ACT. By combining activities, intercourse lasts much longer, and is definitely more intimate.

Posts: 206 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Freya137
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(i know im posting late but i figured it wudnt do any harm)

I found discussing sex difficult
for this reason i waited till id been in a relationship for a long time before starting to have sex -i've always felt that until i felt comfortable enuf with soemone to talk about it i wasn't ready to do it

a few ways i've found help me talk about it
-broaching discussion over phone/email rather than face to face at first then at least my bf knows soem of my issues b4 i enxt see hima dn we can discuss properly
- txting him telling him i have soemthing important to talk to him about taht way next tme i see him in person i dont have the chance to chicken out
- making him aware that i find talking about sex a little difficult so that hes patient and appreciates me making teh effort

Posts: 36 | From: Warrington , England | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tsubi
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actually, I have a sex friend, no not a boyfriend ^^

to get comfortable with each other and because I take lots of time to get used to people, we discuss sex freely but i tend to be more passive and he's more dominant but i like that 'master-in-control' thing

he pushes me to discuss and perform sex acts and ask questions on my experience and no-go-zones and i reply yes or no, this is how we negotiate, he takes control of everything

but when it comes to safe sex I had to speak up about it and tell him i want to be safe, but it's still good because he buys everything; pills, morning after pills, pregnancy tests..

sometime if i'm worried about risks i text him and ask questions because he told me to ask him for help, he reassure me and give an answer but i dont think its that reliable so i go on this forum =]

I don't start the conversation about sex and suggesting anything, I wait for him to ask me because i know that he will want to explore everything with me

oh another thing i like to negotiate with him is that, for me to find him sexually attractive he have to get rid of his slight facial hair, it's not that thick but i dont like it, lol that's when i take control.

it's my little secret life of master-slave fetish =D i like to be the submissive innocent one while he drags me around and take care of me.

Posts: 8 | From: Australia Vic | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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quote:
this is how we negotiate, he takes control of everything
Just FYI, this thread is really about how people negotiate: if you're saying a partner takes charge of everything (or you do for a partner), then that isn't negotiating.

Mind, Tsubi, if you are describing a relationship in which you have negotiated things to BE that way -- in advance of them being so -- then that might be the area in which you DID have some negotiation. (And in a D/s relationship, I'd certainly hope that you did have those negotiations before agreeing to this kind of dynamic/behaviors.)

But just to be clear, negotiation means the process of achieving agreement through discussion in which all parties are actually having that discussion and all parties also are in shared charge. One partner making all the decisions or taking the lead at all times isn't negotiation.

So, just for future posters, please leave this thread to discuss negotiation and actively negotiating together. It's to help folks figure out how to negotiate, and "leave it all up to him," is pretty much the opposite of help with negotiating. If you choose not to negotiate, and aren't looking for help in doing that, then this just isn't the thread for you.

[ 11-28-2008, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68215 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NonStraightAnswers
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quote:
Originally posted by Tsubi:
but when it comes to safe sex I had to speak up about it and tell him i want to be safe, but it's still good because he buys everything; pills, morning after pills, pregnancy tests..

I'm seriously concerned that you're listing pregnancy tests as "safer sex supplies" but not listing latex barriers. Condoms are much easier, less expensive, and less potentially physically harmful than an unplanned pregnancy. Aside from that, safer sex isn't just about pregnancy but also reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. If you want to have the safest sex you can, aren't using latex barriers, and haven't talked with him about your sexual histories, whether you're sexually exclusive, or STI test results, you need to raise the subject with him again (and/or stop having sex with him).

Lastly, if the doctor prescribing the pills you're taking doesn't know your medical history, please be sure to let YOUR doctor know what you're taking (if you haven't already) so s/he doesn't unknowingly prescribe something else that will cause a harmful reaction.

Posts: 63 | From: DC, MA, IL, IS - changes every couple years | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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