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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Bi - ish? Gay? Asexual?

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Author Topic: Bi - ish? Gay? Asexual?
lostandbilerious
Neophyte
Member # 110290

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Hi, I'm 22 years old and from the midwest in an area where no one ever has any feelings for the same sex. As in, any sort of homosexuality isn't an option - I never knew I could even like girls. So, in high school I had the usual crushes on my guy friends, tried dating guys, but never let things get far. I've always liked guys, checked them out, and felt shyly into them.

My freshman year in college, I had this best friend and I have never been so close to another person. I got scared because I loved her so much (I didn't realize until later that it was kind of romantically) and was so afraid my depressive issues would end up hurting her because I know she cared a lot too. I completely shoved her away from me and out of my life because I was scared. It was the hardest and worst feeling thing I've ever done because she didn't understand why. I've missed her every day and realize now that I love her and always have.

I dated a guy in college for a few months, but I never slept with anyone. Every time things got to that point, I turned off and ran away. I'm horny like anyone else, but just couldn't. I thought maybe it was still my religious upbringing even though I'm completely liberal and only mildly religious.

Now, I'm in a big city where everyone and everything is open and accepted. For the first time, I had a girl kiss me when we were drunk. I was embarrassed, but couldn't stop thinking about it. I've been dragged out to gay bars with friends and I really like dancing, making out, and generally being with women makes me comfortable. I like this girl, but am hesitant to get intimate because of my lack of experience.

I tried dating a few guys since being here, but still can't deal with a relationship. I'm not sure if it's because they're guys, I'm afraid of relationships, or I just havent found the right guy yet. I tend to like guys more as friends, but I still find them attractive and like being generally physical with them. Is that out of habit? Checking out women is new for me to even let myself think about and I'm trying... I'm just really confused and don't know what to think or do.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey there, lostandbilerious, and welcome to the boards. [Smile]

I'm having a bit of a hard time finding a question in here (beyond you asking one that we really can't answer, since we don't know you or your patterns or thoughts). [Smile]

Can you clarify what you're asking us for help with? Thanks!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lostandbilerious
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Member # 110290

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Sorry Heather,

I guess my questions are: is it weird or unlikely that it would take me until I was 22 to realize I might not be straight? Is it possible to be sexually attracted to both and only emotionally attracted to women? And am I asexual is I avoid sex with constant excuses out of fear? And what might all of this mean? Am I gay because I only want men for their bodies and women for their souls? Do I have to be intimate with both to know if Im bi? And if I am gay or bi, do you have any tips for allowing yourself to be open looking at or exploring the same sex?

Any or all of these questions are open snd I realize mamy, may not be reasonable or answerable/

[ 05-12-2014, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: lostandbilerious ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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For sure, some of them I cannot answer, and you probably will only be able to answer for yourself in time.

But I can tackle some, and give you some places to get started!

Bisexuality is not about whatever "equal" attraction to men and women would be, similar to how heterosexuality, for instance, is not about being attracted to everyone of that gender, or to everyone of that one gender in the same way. All bisexuality is is something feeling, or observing, they have the capacity to be attracted to people of more than one gender.

And attracted is the key word, here. For sure, over time, as we actually get involved with people, that gives us more information, but all we need to know about orientation in a general way is something we can know just by experiencing attraction, whether we act on it in any way or not.

Asexuality is not about a fear of sex, even though some asexual people, like some people who are not, may experience fear with sex. It is about a disinterest in engaging in sex with others, an apathy.

There are people who never get a handle on what their orientation is, people who know and do not shift from childhood on, people who only go aha! per their orientation in their sixties. But what is most common is people getting some handle on this in their teens and twenties, just like that is usually when people start really feeling and exploring - and thus observing and idnentifying - much of their sexuality, period.

I am not sure how to advise you to be open to doing a thing you want to do without having a sense of what you feel your big barriers are to that. Fill me in some more?

[ 05-12-2014, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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