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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Feeling Conflicted about Coming Out

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Author Topic: Feeling Conflicted about Coming Out
DawnEos
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Member # 107449

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Hey, I’m new here, and I was wondering if I could get some advice.

I’m feeling really conflicted about coming out as bi to my family.

Part of me wants to come out, because I’m very big on having a policy of openness with my parents, and I’m pretty sure they’ll be supportive and understanding. I don’t think they’d be keen on me being bi, but I’m still sure that they’ll understand and they won’t try disown me or anything.

On the other hand, I’m worried about coming out for few reasons (most of which are a bit illogical, but still.)

Part of me’s worried that if I come out as bi now, but later discover or become straight, people will think that I’m one of those girls who pretends to be bi to get attention. It’s a bit silly for me to worry about because I’m only planning to come out to my immediate family, so it should be a non-issue, but I’m still worried about it.

I’m also worried that even if I swear them to secrecy (and they have kept similar things private before), it’ll somehow get out to the less nice bits of my extended family or my pastor.

I’m also a bit worried that I’ll upset my mum. I’ve had a conversation with her about the fact I was questioning, and while I don’t think she wanted to send this message, the message she sent was “I hope you’re straight.” I can see where she’s coming from, because she wants me to have the easiest life possible, but it doesn’t really fill me with confidence about coming out. And combined with the fact I think she might be having a tough time mental health wise, I don’t want to do something that’ll knock her for six. (The reason I don’t know for sure is because me and my mum have an agreement that extended family issues and mental health stuff should only be talked about in the broadest terms while I’m around, because otherwise I start to get anxiety problems, which makes hers worse, and becomes this horrible spiral.)

I realise most of these worries, in my case, are little bit paranoid. I’m used to dealing with similar paranoid worries, but I find the best way is to talk about them, but I can’t really talk to my parents without coming out, so yeah.

Even with all the worries, I’m still erring on the side of coming out, but I’m just not sure how you exactly come out. I’m not sure sweeping into the room dramatically and saying “Bi the way, pardon the pun, I’m bisexual.” Unless that is how you come out. I have no clue.

Sorry for the nearly page long ramble, I’m just feeling conflicted at the moment and have no clue what do.

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Robin Lee
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Hi DawnEos and welcome to Scarleteen,

To answer your last question first: There is no one way that every single person comes out. Some people do make dramatic statements or actions aroudn coming out. Some people do it more subtly in a letter or a quiet conversation. Some people will start by just telling one person they especially trust, and branch out from there as they feel comfortable.

You've talked about your family (both close and extended) and your pastor. Do you have friends you would feel comfortable coming out to?

Could you perhaps say a little more about what you think the benefits of telling your parents would be? What, if anything, do you feel that telling them would change for you?

WE have several articles about queer identity, including information on coming out, on our site. Do you think reading this information coul be helpful to you?

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Robin

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DawnEos
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I think I have a friend or two I could tell.

The main reason I want to come out to me parents is that I'm finding it really hard to keep it a secret and it's making my anxiety worse, and considering there's no real reason to not come out, I think not having it weigh on my mind as much will be generally good. I know there will always be people I can't tell, or who I have no reason to tell, but I think with people I know won't react badly, who will be supportive, with whom I have a policy of openness and a close relationship with, it would generally be good to come out to them.

There's also the fact that my main source of advice on emotional matters is my mum, and it's hard to talk through my anxiety with her (which I find helps) when I can't tell her the root cause.

Links to the articles would be good, if it's not too much trouble. I think I may have read some of them already, but any information helps.

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Haleigh H
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Hi DawnEos,

I'm glad to hear that you have a few friends in mind that you feel like you would be comfortable coming out to. Working through some of your anxieties about coming out to your mum with a friend might be a really great place to start.

Here are some of the resources we have on Scarleteen.


I Want To Come Out To My Parents But How Do I Make Sure They Will Accept Me

Here is a page of Resources for LBGTQ young people.

And here are all the articles tagged Bisexual and the articles tagged Coming Out.

I think you'll find a lot of these pages helpful. Let us know if you have any others questions or concerns.

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Haleigh

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Would you like to brainstorm here any ways for talking with your friend and with your Mum about this?

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Robin

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DawnEos
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Thanks Haleigh!

Brainstorming might be good. I'm thinking maybe to write a letter to my parents, because I find it easier to express myself in writing, and it means they can get over the shock when I'm not necessarily in the room. Not sure about my friends though.

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Robin Lee
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Sometimes, and your mileage may vary with this, people find it easier to tell people one at a time. So with your friends, this may be something you want to have one-on-one conversations with anyone you want to tell. You know them (and yourself) best though, so you'll have a better idea than I whether that would work for you.

When you say your parents would have a chance to get over the shock, I presume you're talking about not having to witness the initial reaction. They may still have a lot of feelings about this that will take them time to work through. Then again, they may not.

Writing a letter can help a lot of people express themselves more clearly, but it won't necessarily get you out of possibly challenging conversations if your parents have questions. [Smile]

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Robin

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DawnEos
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I understand there will be difficult conversations, I just would rather not be there for the initial reaction.
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DawnEos
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Good news! I've managed to come out to my mum and one of my friends, and it was a complete and utter non-event! It worked!
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Robin Lee
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Hi DawnEos,

Terrific! I'm really glad to hear that.

Thank you for sharing that. [Smile]

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Robin

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Congrats DawnEos. This might not be everyone's experience, but I find coming out gets way easier after that first inital time.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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crathes
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A belated congratulations, DawnEos! (Cool nickname btw.) That is good news. That's something to be proud of that you had the courage to do.

I am too, but I am not out. I think the biggest reason is that one of my family members is out, and, I think it would just be too much for my parents basically. But sometimes I wish I could just not worry about it anymore.

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