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Author Topic: Sex and sexual identity
Member # 109539

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My girlfriend an I have been together for six months. We are 17 and 18. We are in love. My girlfriend is gender queer. She has always identified as gay/lesbian. Recently, she has started to entertain thoughts of having sex with a male. I do not specifically identify as anything but queer. My girlfriend has been out of the closet two years longer than I have. She struggles with gender identity and image. We have a mutual friend who is a really nice guy that she has discussed the possibility of trying sex with(with my permission). I understand the curiousity and the nature behind it but my girlfriend has admitted that she would not be open to my exploration. What should I do, im not sure how to process this.
Posts: 1 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Feb 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi Chimini, and welcome to Scarleteen.

This does sound like a lot to process at once! It sounds like there are two main things going on here: your girlfriend's thoughts about her sexual orientation, and the possibility of opening up your relationship in some way.

It's not uncommon for some folks to have a sexual orientation that shifts at different points in time, or is fairly fluid. And certainly if she's thinking about her gender identity as well, questions of sexual orientation might come up as well. It sounds like this is just something she's in the midst of sorting out, and she might need some time to think about it, and maybe experiment in some way.

Which brings us to the other thing: this friend and her thoughts about having sex with him.
I'd suggest that you and your girlfriend first have a serious talk about the concept of her having sex with anyone else in general. How do you feel about it? What sort of safer sex practices would she take with a new partner? What sort of relationship is she looking for? If she's just hoping for a one-time thing to explore sex with a guy, it could be that this guy isn't into that idea at all and would want something different. Or, it could be that after having sex they want to try having a further relationship. All of that is stuff you can talk to her about.
In general, non-monogamy tends to complicate things. It can be great, but it takes a lot of communication and being willing to honestly state your boundaries and preferences.

I would bring up the fact that she seems to not be ok with you having sex with someone else outside the relationship. It's her right to have that feeling and suggest that boundary, but if that's something you're not ok with (even on principle, if you aren't interested in that right now) I think it's worth talking about that.

If the two of you come up with something that sounds ok to you both, then she could talk to this friend. I'm not sure if he's aware of your girlfriend's idea at this point, but keep in mind that, if he's even up for this at all, his expectations or desires might be different from hers.

I know that's a lot to think about! Maybe first, since it sounds like you're a little uncertain here, you can spend some time thinking about what you want, and go from there. =)

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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