Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Confused (probably shouldn't be)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Confused (probably shouldn't be)
Bindi
Neophyte
Member # 102190

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bindi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi. I joined because I could really use some advice. I’ve been reading your website for at least a year, and I’ve read some of your responses to people who seem to be going through similar things to what I am, but I figured setting it all out would be helpful as well.

I’m confused about my orientation. I’ve known I was confused since I was 15 (I’m now 21), but when I tried asking a friend of mine, who had recently come out as bi, she didn’t take me seriously. Looking back, I think she thought I was trying to mimic her or something. Anyway, after that I didn’t want to try again, so I kept everything to myself. I acknowledged that it was possible that I was bi – at the time I didn’t consider that I could be a lesbian – but since I didn’t want to date anyone from my school (and not long after I started home schooling so the matter was mute), so I didn’t consider figuring it out to be a high priority. It doesn’t really help that my mother doesn’t seem to have a set opinion about other sexualities – she goes from not believing in lesbians to making occasionally liberal comments.

Anyway, in the last few years, since starting uni, I’ve started thinking about it again. I tried to fit in with my mother’s idea of a ‘normal girl’, which included dating a guy, (followed by marriage and giving her grandchildren) but it doesn’t really feel right. I don’t know, it could be because I feel we suit each other or something.

Anyway, I started to reconsider who I’ve been attracted to before, and realised that, while I’ve found men attractive before, I’ve only truly ‘liked’ one guy romantically before, and he was – forgive me if I’m misusing the term – ‘metrosexual’. Other guys I’ve ‘liked’ were because I decided they ‘would do’, and I suppose the fact that they had no interest in me was a contributing factor. I spent almost 4 years following a boy in my year in high school around because I was pretending I liked him – and I was pretty much aware of that fact from the start, even if I did try convincing myself otherwise. Thinking of girls that I think I might have liked, on the other hand, is much easier. I can name three without having to think too hard (the first being the friend I mentioned earlier), whilst it was a struggle to think of one guy.

Seeing it all set out like this it looks rather obvious, but I still feel so confused. I mean, I find some men very attractive, but I feel more connected to other women. My boyfriend does nothing for me sexually, I don’t even like kissing him, nor did I enjoy kissing the only other boy I got close to dating (we decided being friends worked much better for us both), but I don’t really consider any particular gender whilst masturbating. I mentioned the last bit because I saw this brought up with others asking the same questions I am. I know you probably won’t give me a clear cut answer on this, but I need another opinion.

Thanks in advance.

Posts: 5 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Listening to you, it sounds like you've thought and voiced -- fairly consistently, no less -- a feeling that you are bisexual. That doesn't sound confused to me at all, it sounds very consistent, with the variance from that place only or mostly being about what you thought other people thought about you or expected of you.

I'd also suggest maybe replacing the word "confused" with "questioning." Even though, like I said, I really don't hear you questioning yourself so much here as I hear other people's static, or worries about other people's static making you feel like you couldn't go with your gut on this.

No one has to figure all of this out at any given time, and most people won't be able to early on. That's okay: it's not like it's required, at any point, we know what our orientation is or make any kind of lifelong commitment to a given sexual identity.

I'm less concerned with how you identify, and more concerned with what sounds like a situation, or more than one, where you might be getting involved or sexual with people you don't really want to or have those feelings for, since that usually doesn't feel so hot, physically or emotionally.

I hear you saying the way you've been going about dating hasn't felt right to you: how about going with your gut, rather than with what your mother or anyone else wants, and basing your dating life and choices on what DOES feel right to you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67055 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bindi
Neophyte
Member # 102190

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bindi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi, thanks for your response. I've already decided that I need to break up with my boyfriend, but I won't be able to until March - I'm currently on a research trip out of the country, and I don't want to be one of those people who break up over the phone or by text message.

It's not so much that I'm uncertain about being bisexual, its that I'm not sure if I like men at all. When I started reconsidering all of the people I thought I had liked, I realised that I wasn't sure if I truly had liked the men I thought I had, or if I convinced myself I did because I was trying to fit in with what my mother wanted.

Posts: 5 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bindi
Neophyte
Member # 102190

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bindi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Even the guy I think I may have actually liked had something feminine about him that I just couldn't put my finger on (which is why I wasn't sure about the term 'metrosexual').

(I accidentally hit the 'add reply' button on the second post when I did)

Posts: 5 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I hear you.

But chances are you're probably not going to be able to really land on how you feel about women sexually or romantically, at least not in as solid a way as it sounds like you want, if a) you're only pursuing or having those relationships with men, b) you're making choices about these relationships based on what other people want you to do, not what you want, and c) until you actually explore NOT dating men when you don't want to, and start exploring dating women.

It also sounds like you might need some time to kind of air out your heart and mind when it comes to this, per letting go of all the messaging you've gotten about who you are "supposed" to date, who "normal women" are and all that jazz.

So, maybe in the interim, you can start by at least identifying yourself as someone questioning, and maybe further, if this is what feels right to you, as someone who may be either bisexual, and if so, suspects she may be a bisexual woman who is more strongly interested in women, or lesbian?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67055 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bindi
Neophyte
Member # 102190

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bindi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I suppose I'm in a better position for self relfection now than I was until recently - I have over a month to myself in which to think about it.

Thanks for you're advice, this is the first time I've really been able to discuss this with anyone.

Bindi

Posts: 5 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bindi
Neophyte
Member # 102190

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bindi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi,

Just thought I'd give you an update, and give my thanks for your help.

First off, the relationship I was in when I first posted is long over - something I'm very thankful for. While I haven't dated anyone since then (I didn't want to get too involved when everything was so up in the air for me), I have spent the last year exploring things by myself, and though my conclusions may have seemed rather obvious (and are by no means set in stone), to openly acknowledge them (if only to myself and anyone reading this post), is like a massive weight has been lifted from the back of my mind.

I've figured out that my sexuality is nowhere near as cut and dried as I had once hoped. I suppose I fall under the umbrella of 'bisexual', in that I am attracted to both genders, but in different ways.

Though I'm definitely attracted to men, it's more asexual than sexual. By that, I mean I feel attracted to their appearance and personality, and in some cases desire a relationship, but feel no real desire to move that relationship to a sexual level. Women, on the other hand, I appreciate visually and personally (as I mentioned in my first post), as well as sexually (although at the moment I don't think I'm an overly sexual person anyway). I can see myself getting in a far deeper relationship with a woman than I currently feel comfortable being in with a man.

I'm not yet anywhere near ready to come out to anyone I know about this yet (I have no illusions to how I would be received), but I have been working on my mother. It'll probably take a while.

Bindi

Posts: 5 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am SO glad to hear you feeling so much less burdened, and that you've found some more clarity and peace. [Smile]

Happy to have been of help!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67055 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3