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Author Topic: Struggling for years..
Cryssie
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Member # 108401

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Since probably 9th grade, I've questioned my myself. Yes, I've seen attractive males and attractive females. However, whenever someone would talk about guys below the belt, I felt nothing special. I'm a girl and I kind of knew I was always different. I always hung out with girls, I just don't get along with guys. Whenever I do, they try and make it something sexual or awkward. When it's with a girl, it just feels more natural. All my friends have guy friends but I'm not into that. I'm still a virgin, actually, too. I wouldn't necessarily call it a 'relationship' but me and my best friend were together during sophomore and junior year. I shouldn't have put myself in that situation because she ended up with a guy instead. I still love her and she's still my best friend, we just aren't as close anymore. We'd walk along the halls and hold hands. A girl came up to me one day and said that she feels more comfortable walking hand in hand with her girlfriend now. We never did anything but people always thought that we were. I've never dated a guy and I'm a freshman in college now. In the past few weeks on my college experience, I met a guy and we got friendly but I didn't want to push anything. I don't trust guys and I told him that. I wanted to be just friends instead of having anything else involved but I am too much of a nice person. I really needed comfort because earlier another guy friend just dissed me when he got caught hitting a girl up at the same time he did with me. I'm so confused and I just sit and cry sometimes because of it. Depression and anxiety have ridden my life and I've been in treatment for it since 9th grade. I respect myself but then again, I seem like a prude because I don't drink and I rarely smoke. I don't know where I'm going in my life and it's frustrating me because I can't even accept the fact that I am bisexual, lesbian or asexual all together. :'(
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, Cryssie: welcome to the boards, and I'm sorry you've been feeling like this.

How do you think we can best help you with this? What would you like for us to offer?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68215 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cryssie
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Should I just accept myself first? Am I even really gay? I don't know who I am, honestly.. Advice, please? [Frown]
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Heather
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Well, I'm always going to make a big vote for self-acceptance. One, the alternative really stinks, and two, it's really all we can ever do when it comes to who we are and whatever it is we feel.

Knowing who we are in this regard often tends to take time. Sometimes, again, I'd even say often, a lot of time, many, many years. Sure, some people have a handle on their orientation from even before puberty and that read on it does stick for their whole of their life, always being how they thought it was. But that's really the exception far more than the rule, especially since it tends to take life experience, and observing our patterns of our attractions, seeing how our relationships go and how we feel in them, to get a real sense of this.

So, are you gay? If over time, you tend to notice that it's women you're solely or primarily romantically and/or sexually drawn to, and feel like you want to be with, then probably, yep. If lesbian is what you feel like and how you want to identify, then yes, at any time.

Let's try this: why do you feel like not knowing what your orientation is is causing you to suffer? In other words, since to whom we're attracted in so many ways is always a question mark, even when we feel like we know what our orientation is, why do you think this particular question mark is so troubling for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68215 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cryssie
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Member # 108401

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My roommates are always talking about how cute a guy is and everyone's always hooking up. I always feel awkward. I'm just not into stuff like that. If anything, I care more for love than just sex. Even in high school, it never interested me. One thing that really gets on my nerves is when I hear people around me talk about gay people. And by that I mean, they think that automatically because they're gay that they're going to hit on them? Do they hit on every guy/girl they come across? No. It's about attraction. I don't want to be subjected to that. [Frown]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, what I'm hearing sounds like the issue is really less about you and whatever your orientation is as it is about dischord you're having per your views of sex and relationship, those of your friends, as well as what sounds like homophobia from your friends.

In other words, I think having an answer per your orientation really wouldn't even address this issue, and you also don't have to have that answer to deal with this dischord and how it's making you feel.

Can I ask how you feel about your social group right now, period, and how you might also feel about seeking out some new friends that feel like a better fit with you in these ways?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68215 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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