Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Confused About My Sexuality and How to Deal With it

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Confused About My Sexuality and How to Deal With it
BeautifullyDiscontent
Neophyte
Member # 108513

Icon 11 posted      Profile for BeautifullyDiscontent     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(I know my question is very similar to many others that have been posted here, and I've read up on it a ton but I just can't seem to get any answers. So here is my attempt to get some help with my issue.)

I am 17 years old and I am a "virgin", meaning I have never had PIV sex. I have been with two guys sexually and have identified as being straight for as long as I can remember. I have always been interested in boys and up until the last year or so, have always wanted to be in heterosexual relationships. For months now I have been very overly curious about women. I am extremely sexually attracted to them and when I am "in the mood" I tend to go for lesbian porn compared to straight porn. I have never really considered being bi-curious or bi-sexual because I was taught that being anything other than straight is "wrong". I truly believe that equality is how it should be and that love is love. But I can't tell if my feelings are just feelings or if I really am bi-sexual. Lately all I can think about is being in a relationship with a girl, which is something completely new for me. I am scared of what people will say if they see me involved with a female. I am just really lost and confused and have nobody else to help me with these feelings. Please help!

Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 66249

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jacob at Scarleteen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Discontent!

I think for me, the best way to think about this was to consider 'bisexual' as just a word... there isn't really a group of people, who are real bisexuals vs people who just think they are, they're all just folks who experience a number of attractions and for whom the word bisexual has been useful. They, and you, get to decide what works for you.

If nobodies asking it's may not even be necessary for you to have a word, like straight,bi, gay, queer, to give them, and even if they do ask you still don't really need to give them a word. "I don't know" counts as much as anything else.

I think the important part of this is that you don't have to change who you are and how you see yourself just because your attractions change. So I would say use the word bisexual if it fits, and if it doesn't that's fine too.

Approaching relationships and dealing with reactions is another matter, as often we get our orientation labelled by others based on our relationships, and have to deal with biphobia, homophobia, or straight privilege even when we're not using those labels ourselves...

My advice for that would be just to cross that bridge when you get to it. It can almost always be dealt with when it happens, after all having a relationship you feel good about can be pretty rewarding compared to not... and you aren't going to be able to change who you're attracted to. But it can be dealt with, just doing so depends on the specifics, i.e. who's involved, when & where & how, etc. So we can't really address those things until it happens...

If it helps we can talk about dealing with homophobia in general? Do you think that would be helpful?

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeautifullyDiscontent
Neophyte
Member # 108513

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeautifullyDiscontent     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you for the reply and the advice! Yes please let's talk about homophobia. I think that might help me.

Also, any suggestions of how to put myself out there? I don't want the whole world, especially the people of my small little town to know how I feel about my sexuality right now. However there isn't really a way for me to meet any people that feel the same without people knowing where I stand. So I guess I'm just a little confused on that part. I'm just very scared that I will be judged for these feelings and that I will end up getting involved with someone, and then hurting them by keeping things secret. If that makes sense?

Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It sounds like you're saying that without putting out that you might be curious about sexual or romantic relationships with women, you don't think you can meet queer women. Do I have that right?

If so, I don't think that that's so at all. I'd say you have the same ability to meet queer people, really, in your daily life, as you do people who aren't, most likely. We go grocery shopping, and to school, and to the park, and take the bus, and to work...we're pretty much at all the same places straight people are. [Razz]

Do you know what I mean? [Smile]

By all means, if and when you want to explore something sexual or romantic with someone and you're not sure about things, you can say you're not sure about things. Mind, when we take things like this gradually, everyone is figuring out how they feel about them as they go, not just one person, or for one reason. In other words, even someone sure they're queer, or sure they're attracted to women won't be sure YOU are a woman they want to get involved with, how they're interested in you, specifically, et cetera. Get what I mean? Too, if and when you're not sure you feel okay about even exploring that, per thinking it's 'wrong," and such, then the best answer is usually just to wait until it DOES feel okay. Best for others, but also best for you.

Per dealing with homophobia, one of the best ways to come at that, and the only way you really have control anyway, is to just start with yourself. After all, you may not be able to change everyone's mind, but you can probably change your own over time. You can think about why you have thought it was wrong not to be straight, for example, and get at the bottom of that and turn it around. You can work to put less stock in what other people will think about who you love, based on any criteria, not just gender or orientation. When we can change our own minds, and strengthen ourselves in this regard? It sure makes dealing with others who may be biased or bigoted SO much easier. [Smile]

[ 09-25-2013, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeautifullyDiscontent
Neophyte
Member # 108513

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeautifullyDiscontent     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes that is right!

So do you think I should just wait and not act on my feelings for a while since I am confused about what exactly I want right now? And also, I don't get how to go from "normal" and "straight" girl to "bisexual" and "curious" girl. Meaning if I meet someone new and I am attracted to them more than I would be with someone who would just be an acquaintance or friend, how exactly would I get to know them better and let them know how I feel? Any suggestions/advice for that?

Another thing: you said it is a good idea for me to wait until it feels completely okay. How exactly do I know when that is? Do you think I'll just be able to feel it and it will all feel natural? I'm sorry for so many questions I am just trying to process this all in my head.

Thank you for your help! This is really helping me to think about everything I am feeling.

Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How we know that we feel okay about something is usually...well, when we feel okay about something. When we don't feel deeply conflicted, confused or scared, when we feel relaxed, accepting and not stressed out. You know?

quote:
I don't get how to go from "normal" and "straight" girl to "bisexual" and "curious" girl. Meaning if I meet someone new and I am attracted to them more than I would be with someone who would just be an acquaintance or friend, how exactly would I get to know them better and let them know how I feel? Any suggestions/advice for that?
Well, again, it's normal for people to be whatever orientation they are. They're nothing any less "normal" about being queer than being straight, when it call comes down to it.

But if you meet someone you feel attracted to and want to pursue those feelings, I'd say what you just do is communicate that to them. And that can certainly include communicating any feelings you have of uncertainty or conflict.

How we get to know anyone better, in any context, generally just involves spending time with them and communicating with each other. Do you have friends you know well? If so, it's pretty much the same deal here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeautifullyDiscontent
Neophyte
Member # 108513

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeautifullyDiscontent     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So basically, all I can really do is wait these feelings out until I feel for sure that I am content with the sexual orientation I choose? That's pretty much the only thing that I can do about this right now, am I correct? Also, thank you for the advice and for listening to me. The communication factor you mentioned is something I actually just forgot about when it comes to getting to know someone. I mean gay or straight, the communication should never change. One other thing, any suggestions on coming out? Sexuality is such a personal thing, and when I am sure of who I am I will want to be specific as to who knows about it.
Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, we don't really choose our sexual orientation so much as we choose how we identify it: what we call it. Whoever we feel attracted to is whoever we feel attracted to, per gender like anything else. That's not something we can control or choose. The choice comes with how we identify, and then whatever we choose when it comes to what we do with those feelings of attraction. Make sense?

Per coming out, is that something you feel like it's time for right now or think you will anytime soon?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeautifullyDiscontent
Neophyte
Member # 108513

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeautifullyDiscontent     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah that makes sense.

No, I don't believe I will be coming out anytime soon. Considering the fact that I don't even know what to come out as, as of right now. But if people ask like what I'm into, I don't know what to answer.

Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, so maybe we table that conversation for when it's more timely? [Smile]

But sounds like you could use this one right now, which is timely: Q is for Questioning

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BeautifullyDiscontent
Neophyte
Member # 108513

Icon 1 posted      Profile for BeautifullyDiscontent     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you! You helped me tremendously!
Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well rock on! You're welcome. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3