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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » In love with a boy, but want sex with girls.

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Author Topic: In love with a boy, but want sex with girls.
Member # 108420

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I've asked for advice about this from the experts too, but I would like other people's opinion about what I should do.

I am a 21 year old, bisexual hetero-romantic female. I am in a loving long term relationship with a man, which has been going on for five years. He is the only person that I have had sex with, and our sex life is in no way "bad" or "unsatisfactory".

My problem is this:
I want to have sex with a girl. I have never done it before, and I have been thinking about it a lot lately. A while ago I had a sex dream about a girl, and ended up talking to a girl online about it, and we sort of flirted. Nothing overly sexual, but it got me a little excited. Now over the past couple of days, I've been thinking about it more and more (don't really want to go into details, but you know what I mean [Wink] ). Now, I don't really want to exclude my boyfriend from this, which is why I think that a threesome is a good option.

My boyfriend knows that I am bisexual, and we have talked about threesomes in the past, but nothing has ever happened.

So I would like your advice on the following things:
Is a threesome the best option?
If so, how do I go about asking people to "join in"?
Have you ever had a similar situation? What did you do?
If a threesome is not my best option, what is?

Any help on this is appreciated.

Posts: 1 | From: England | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Really, only you, your partner, and whomever else may participate in sex with both of you is going to know if all of you doing that together is a good option.

And that's something you all figure out by talking a bunch of things through -- from if that works with your model of relationship, to managing the extra safer sex issues involved, to dealing with jealousy or tough feelings, to what you're both going to do to make real room for this person as a whole person, not a prop, which is something to think about since you two have an established relationship they're not part of -- together.

This links may also help with thinking and talking through some of that:

Per where you find this person and how you ask if they'd like to be sexual with both of you, it's really just like how you'd do that with anyone you want to be sexual with, you know? The only big difference, in terms of that, here, is that both of you need to ask this person if that's something they want, and both of you need consent, not just one person. And, of course, someone being attracted to both of you will tend to be less likely than to just one, given how attraction works, and being sexual with a couple or more than one person at a time isn't for everyone, so it's something you just want to figure you may get some no's about before a yes, probably more than were only one of you inviting a person to be sexual with you.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 104627

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Hi Catman,
I have been in a similar situation and as it happens, I did have a threesome, although I had not really planned that.

Is a threesome the best option?
For me, it was not. My biggest questions was my sexual orientation (I was not sure if I was straight, bisexual or gay at that time and did not even know "queer", and had only had a crush on a girl and a relationship with the current boyfriend). And what I wished was to have sex with a woman, also with this special woman I liked, not necessarily to have a threesome. It sounds a bit like it might be the a similar problem for you?

If so, how do I go about asking people to "join in"?
For me, I did not look for someone, it just developed. There was a woman in my and my boyfriend's circle of friend who I was really attracted to, and my boyfriend found her attractive, too, and she seemed to like us in this way, too. After an exam the whole circle of friends got drunk, we went to a club. There she and me already kissed (which was a bad idea. I was used to gay and lesbian clubs, where I normally go, and had not expected all the unwanted attention from obstrusive guys.) When we went home in the morning, she came with us and when she lay in bed next to me we started making out, which led further...

Just as a warning: Most lesbian communities are really NOT pleased if you turn up at one of their places as a straight couple looking for a threesome because they do not like it if their sexuality is seen as an "extra" added to a straight relationship which has got priority over them. (That's from my perspective, as I identify with the queer community a lot now.) So you might have better chances at some bisexual / pansexual or polyamorous networks, or just keep your eyes open in your circle of friends.

I really want to stress one point in Heather's article: Be informed about safer sex and have safer sex. At that time I did not know scarleteen and it was hard to get detailed information about safer woman-on-woman sex in German (for German-speaking people here: is the most detailed information I found afterwards). Being not sure about safer sex made me totally turned off halfway through, because I realized she did not care much about safer sex and did not even take my basic concerns (not sharing toys without a condom) serious.
We did not have any issues with jealousy, but it was quite awkward to meet her in our circle of friends afterwards.

If a threesome is not my best option, what is?
You could also ask your boyfriend about opening up the relationship, but I do not know if that is a possibility for you.

Posts: 5 | From: Germany | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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