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Author Topic: Soul Searching
Lore
Neophyte
Member # 106441

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Hiya-- names Lore, thanks in advance to any who reply to this thread. (This is a sexuality based thread, anyone who's offended, well you're sort of in the wrong section ne?---also, sorry if this is in the wrong area, it just had strings to certain things I saw in here so...)

Let me introduce the main Questions of this: Is what I've discovered normal? Am I misinterpreting something? And if anyone would like to share something similar feel free ^^ honestly it would most likely help me out.

Some background and how this got started: I'm an 18 year old female, quite sheltered, quite 'Aware' of her sexuality, and not yet 'sexually active' or "involved" with people.

I read somewhere that it's best to look inside yourself and find out what you're truly looking for and such. Well, I did-- for MONTHS, and I'm still not completely done-- but here's the thing:: All of the articles I read never said anything about what to do after you found it and it turned out not to be...mainstream?

So let's get down to the nitty-gritty; I've come to realize that I'm somewhat submissive in sexual nature. What's somewhat? Well I'm actually extremely sexually submissive--at least from what I can tell, being a little bit lacking in sexual endeavors-- I just have...some quirks? And these quirks are what have lead me to posting this. Everything I've read on BDSM and the like have confused me more and more. I'll just come out and say what I've managed to put together.

What I can best compare it to is almost like wolf mates. Don't look at me like I'm a psycho. It really is the best comparison I could come up with. I'm submissive but only towards some and in views of a mate I don't necessarily want to just...roll over. It's not in my nature. I mean I'm almost positive that I find dominant males attractive. And I can't stand the soft flowery type. I've gone on a blind double date before that my friend setup at a movie theatre. Two problems. One: It was a romantic chick flick. Two: The guy I was set up with started sobbing; not even just a sniffle or two. I mean I know that at some point touchy-feely guys were all the rage among females and I also know that men do have squishy feelings too. Cool, alright. I have no problem with a guy acting tender or sentimental. But clingy, over emotional guys...I struggle between gawking in abject horror and kicking them and telling them to suck it up. I know I sound sort of bitchy--actually I edited out part of the last sentence if that says anything--but I can't help it. Going back to the submitting thing. To be honest I'd want a guy to force me to give over dominance-- which isn't a BDSM thing from what I can understand.NO I'm not referring to the rape-scenario sort of thing. There's a huge difference between that. And to be honest a relationship wouldn't work based on a kinkstyle fantasy like that (Not to say I don't have some kinks I've identified, I do, but that's not entirely the point). And long-term is what I'm referring to. To bring the wolf analogy back into play if you look at say... alpha male alpha female relationships there is a partnership. The male does claim dominance in certain aspects but it's not the master slave sort.


To clear some things up:
-I am sexually submissive
-I feel that one would need to earn the trust and respect before my subjugation
-I also feel that I would need more aggressive approach to such a thing (Complicated)
-I have an attraction to Dominant men
-I have kinks
-I am not completely towards BDSM

So from what I've analyzed of myself is that though I have kinks and some like minded thinking towards BDSM but that's not exactly what I'm looking for.

Am I wrong in interpreting it this way?
Am I not actually submissive in wanting to test out the dominance in a way?
Am I actually missing some key details and am in fact describing something that belongs in BDSM?
Has anyone else had similar ponderings?

--------------------
I'm Just Me

Posts: 6 | From: My Story | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ImaRocketDog2
Neophyte
Member # 96982

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Perhaps I shouldn't be the one responding to your question since I'm just a neophyte myself, relatively new to the forums (although I've been reading articles and advice on Scarleteen for much longer), and have barely more relationship/sexual experience than you. But I feel as though I can somewhat relate to how you feel and and maybe can offer some insight based on my minimal and fairly recent personal experience.

A little bit about me: I'm 19, a college sophomore, and recently I entered into my first ever romantic relationship (first date, first kiss, first everything) with a guy that I have been friends with for about a year and a half. Although I had had feelings for him for a little over a year, it wasn't until about 6 months back that things between us started to become more flirtatious/romantically inclined. Now, up until this point I had known a bit about BDSM and found it relatively interesting, but had never truly identified with it personally; having a bad case of "forever alone" syndrome for the longest time, my only "goal" had been to find a nice guy to date and fall in love with, and presumably enter into a sexual relationship with, and my personal sexual fantasies were rather fuzzy and undefined.

But then, my future-boyfriend happens to confide in me about his own interest in BDSM, and lo and behold, my preexisting sexual attraction to him increases tenfold, and things about myself that I had never given much thought to all of a sudden come to the forefront and become a lot more clear. So after a bit more research, flirting, discussion, and a bit of partnered sexual exploration, I can say with a fair amount of confidence that I am primarily a sexual submissive with some dominant tendencies (so, what some might call a "switch.").

Nothing that you described about yourself is "abnormal," although judging from the fact that you have done some research on BDSM you've probably figured out by now that there are lots of dominant and submissive people out there, and that it's perfectly acceptable. However, it seems to me that you may still not have a clear picture of what BDSM entails. Not all BDSM is Master/slave relationships, in fact, that's probably the minority. Really, BDSM is just a blanket term for a whole slew of "kinky" sexual activities and relationship models. So if you identify as submissive and have some kinks, then it would be safe to say that you ARE into BDSM, although that's not to say you absolutely have to identify with it as a whole.

Saying that you're into BDSM does not mean that you have to be into everything that's typically associated with it or belongs under the blanket term. Just because you want to submit sexually doesn't automatically make you a slave, and it doesn't even mean you also have to be a masochist. Plenty of people in relationships incorporate D/s, bondage, S/M, etc. into their sex lives without conforming to a 24/7 relationship model (such as Master/slave), such as my boyfriend and myself. You can be in a long-term relationship with someone that involves kink, but only confine the kink to sexual situations. There are no rules or regulations for kinky/BDSM relationships, since they're really no different than "normal" relationships (that's in quotes because the ARE completely normal). Being submissive in bed doesn't mean it has to affect the power dynamic of your whole relationship.
Sure, some people like to be in Master/slave relationships and have dom/sub as a core aspect of their relationship, but most people don't do it 24/7.

Sorry if it seems like I rambled on here. I hope this helps you sort out some of your thoughts. Bottom line: just don't sweat it, there's nothing wrong or abnormal about anything you want or identify with sexually. Being submissive or subjugated doesn't mean you must go without trust and respect; in fact, respect and above all trust are HUGELY IMPORTANT to BDSM. You should NEVER submit to someone who you don't trust or who doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Also, being "forced" to submit can be considered part of BDSM, since it's part of D/s play. There's nothing wrong with acting out fake "non-consensual" scenarios or having your Dom "force" you to do something in roleplay, just as long as it's carefully negotiated beforehand so that both of you are on the same page, and so long as you've agreed on a safeword which can be used to stop/slow down the scenario if you become uncomfortable with it at any point.

Once again, sorry for rambling, I know this is insanely long. Hope some of this helps.

~Leanne

--------------------
Kirk/Spock: A better love story than Twilight since 1966

Posts: 12 | From: Pittsburgh, PA | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ImaRocketDog2
Neophyte
Member # 96982

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Also, I forgot to mention above that there are some very interesting and helpful books on BDSM that you might want to look at: "The Ultimate Guide to Kink" and "SM 101" can both be found on Amazon and were immensely helpful to me, although I only read The Ultimate Guide in its entirety.
-Leanne

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Kirk/Spock: A better love story than Twilight since 1966

Posts: 12 | From: Pittsburgh, PA | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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(Sounds like ImaRocket has it covered, I am really just stepping in to say that I love the geekyness in this thread, what with Lore's screenname and ImaRocket's signature [Smile] )

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Lore
Neophyte
Member # 106441

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quote:
Originally posted by ImaRocketDog2:
Perhaps I shouldn't be the one responding to your question since I'm just a neophyte myself, relatively new to the forums (although I've been reading articles and advice on Scarleteen for much longer), and have barely more relationship/sexual experience than you. But I feel as though I can somewhat relate to how you feel and and maybe can offer some insight based on my minimal and fairly recent personal experience.

A little bit about me: I'm 19, a college sophomore, and recently I entered into my first ever romantic relationship (first date, first kiss, first everything) with a guy that I have been friends with for about a year and a half. Although I had had feelings for him for a little over a year, it wasn't until about 6 months back that things between us started to become more flirtatious/romantically inclined. Now, up until this point I had known a bit about BDSM and found it relatively interesting, but had never truly identified with it personally; having a bad case of "forever alone" syndrome for the longest time, my only "goal" had been to find a nice guy to date and fall in love with, and presumably enter into a sexual relationship with, and my personal sexual fantasies were rather fuzzy and undefined.

But then, my future-boyfriend happens to confide in me about his own interest in BDSM, and lo and behold, my preexisting sexual attraction to him increases tenfold, and things about myself that I had never given much thought to all of a sudden come to the forefront and become a lot more clear. So after a bit more research, flirting, discussion, and a bit of partnered sexual exploration, I can say with a fair amount of confidence that I am primarily a sexual submissive with some dominant tendencies (so, what some might call a "switch.").

Nothing that you described about yourself is "abnormal," although judging from the fact that you have done some research on BDSM you've probably figured out by now that there are lots of dominant and submissive people out there, and that it's perfectly acceptable. However, it seems to me that you may still not have a clear picture of what BDSM entails. Not all BDSM is Master/slave relationships, in fact, that's probably the minority. Really, BDSM is just a blanket term for a whole slew of "kinky" sexual activities and relationship models. So if you identify as submissive and have some kinks, then it would be safe to say that you ARE into BDSM, although that's not to say you absolutely have to identify with it as a whole.

Saying that you're into BDSM does not mean that you have to be into everything that's typically associated with it or belongs under the blanket term. Just because you want to submit sexually doesn't automatically make you a slave, and it doesn't even mean you also have to be a masochist. Plenty of people in relationships incorporate D/s, bondage, S/M, etc. into their sex lives without conforming to a 24/7 relationship model (such as Master/slave), such as my boyfriend and myself. You can be in a long-term relationship with someone that involves kink, but only confine the kink to sexual situations. There are no rules or regulations for kinky/BDSM relationships, since they're really no different than "normal" relationships (that's in quotes because the ARE completely normal). Being submissive in bed doesn't mean it has to affect the power dynamic of your whole relationship.
Sure, some people like to be in Master/slave relationships and have dom/sub as a core aspect of their relationship, but most people don't do it 24/7.

Sorry if it seems like I rambled on here. I hope this helps you sort out some of your thoughts. Bottom line: just don't sweat it, there's nothing wrong or abnormal about anything you want or identify with sexually. Being submissive or subjugated doesn't mean you must go without trust and respect; in fact, respect and above all trust are HUGELY IMPORTANT to BDSM. You should NEVER submit to someone who you don't trust or who doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Also, being "forced" to submit can be considered part of BDSM, since it's part of D/s play. There's nothing wrong with acting out fake "non-consensual" scenarios or having your Dom "force" you to do something in roleplay, just as long as it's carefully negotiated beforehand so that both of you are on the same page, and so long as you've agreed on a safeword which can be used to stop/slow down the scenario if you become uncomfortable with it at any point.

Once again, sorry for rambling, I know this is insanely long. Hope some of this helps.

~Leanne

ImaRocketDog2:
I just want to say that I appreciate your reply so much. Many of the things I've found in research are very confusing and it's relieving just to find that someone has thought of things like this before and I'm not completely "out there". I apologize profusely for not immediately replying or actually responding to your help in a relatively timely manner at all. I hope I didn't offend you or make it seem like I didn't appreciate your help. I really, truly did! And I'm extremely ashamed in my lack of manners. All I can say is that it has been a rough few months and I haven't had access to a laptop until this one came in. (A particularly lame excuse but my family is rather...closed minded and I dare not ask to borrow one of theirs to check on a question such as this.) You probably do not check this site much- or perhaps you do, who am I to know?-but I hope this message finds you if just to let you know that you're reply was read and appreciated. I'm going to read up on some of those books suggested, thanks a bundle, information is always welcomed. I hope your relationship goes well.
(Sorry to the people in charge of posts if this is off topic or I violated some rule but I really wanted to express my gratitude!)

[ 08-01-2013, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: Lore ]

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I'm Just Me

Posts: 6 | From: My Story | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi Lore,

That's entirely okay. [Smile]

We all know that people have lots of things going on in their lives. Welcome back. how are you doing now?

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Robin

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Lore
Neophyte
Member # 106441

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Thanks Robin Lee, I really appreciate it.

And I really want to say I'm doing fine now but after having confessed so much in a single post it seems silly and pointless to lie. But I'm trying to get through it.

Thanks for asking, and I hope you are doing well yourself

[ 08-01-2013, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: Lore ]

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I'm Just Me

Posts: 6 | From: My Story | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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