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Author Topic: Gender confused me.
TheFootman...
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Hi all.
Wouldn't mind a bit of help. Im a 20 y/o straight female in a very happy relationship with a guy. However, I'm not sure if I want to be a girl. I don't feel right as a girl. I guess, thinking back, I never have done. I'm always one of the boys and it feels right. Is something wrong with me. What do I do? Do I just suck it up and carry on?
I only ask now because I am old enough to realise the problem to the extent I have.

Your thoughts would be great.

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I'm me ok.

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Heather
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Welcome to the boards. [Smile]

Really, there's nothing we consider wrong OR right about how any of us feels about our gender, just like, say, people's tastes in food. There's just however we feel, and however we feel is how we feel.

So, you're saying you don't feel right as a girl, and feel like you're always one of the boys. Are you saying that you feel like identifying your gender as a boy feels right, or right-er, then?

Mind, those aren't the only two choices with gender we can make, or ways we can experience gender, but figured I'd start with what you wrote and take things from there.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TheFootman...
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Well yeah, you're right. That's what I mean. I've done it. Ive been out as a guy and I felt more confident in myself (although, sometimes I'll be okay with being a girl.) It sounds nuts.

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I'm me ok.

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Heather
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Well, I certainly don't think so. We know that there are likely millions of different gender identities and around 6 billion different ways of experiencing gender, given how different we all are.

So, if you feel more at home with a masculine gender identity all that sounds like to me is that you're a person who feels more at home in a masculine gender identity.

Is that something you feel like you'd like to transition more into, rather than continuing to identify as a girl?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TheFootman...
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I don't know if I'm honest. As I said im in a very happy straight relationship. I wouldn't want to ruin that. I'm scared what my family would think to. Im the only girl born into my family for 40 years (every other female is from marriage) so im viewed as special for that...
Thanks for getting back to me by the way.

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I'm me ok.

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Heather
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So, maybe this is just something to start thinking about and feeling out over time?

This piece might help get you started: Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer

Kate Bornstein's My Gender Workbook is also awfully handy, and many people also seem to be finding Sam Killerman's Genderbread Person useful in this regard, too: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/

P.S. Sexual orientation is really only a term meant to be used for (and which was designed to be used for) individuals, not so much for relationships. So, a relationship can't really have orientation, even if the people in it are all the same one. But when they're not, you can see how broken that gets: is the relationship a bisexual and a gay person are in, for example, a gay relationship or a bisexual one? See what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TheFootman...
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Yes thank you. I'll have a look at those! Do you think I should tell him then.. I mean he's probably already noticed but that's not the point.

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I'm me ok.

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Heather
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I think that's really up to you: do you want to talk with your boyfriend about these feelings yet or not?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TheFootman...
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I I don't know. .. hes a pretty supportive person so probably would support me and go along with it (as long as I didn't go full on which I wouldn't do) but, at the same time, it could go very wrong.

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I'm me ok.

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Heather
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Do you want to talk about those concerns?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TheFootman...
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Perhaps in the morning. It's midnight where I am and I'm so tired. But thank you for getting back to me.

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I'm me ok.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Of course. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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