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Author Topic: Need help! Confused, what do i do? Does she know I have fantasies about men?
wonderingguy84
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For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.


I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication.

I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?

The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!

My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.

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wonderingguy84
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I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby.
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BrightStar171
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Okay, I have a couple thoughts on this, just, as a woman married to a man, and of course the volunteers here may have more to say.

First of all, I can't know exactly what your wife is thinking, but I will say that when I make jokes or comments like you described about a sensitive subject, it's because I'm testing the waters to see if my husband is open to talking about something that seems to be on his mind, or to get him comfortable with the idea of something before I initiate a conversation. If your wife has repeatedly made comments or jokes about your sexuality, I would think it is quite likely that she has some suspicions that you're sexually interested in men.

Second thing is, if I were your wife, I would be extremely upset that you were asking my friends and my sisters to keep secrets from me. Everyone's relationship is different, and has different thresholds of trust, but I would think very seriously about whether she might feel hurt or betrayed by that- you know her better than we do. That said, it sounds like you have tried to tell her about your feelings, and she doesn't want to hear about it unless it's going to change your marriage. However, it also sounds like she asked you to be honest with her about this.

So maybe that's a good place to start with thinking about where to proceed. Do you want to stay married? Do you want to pursue sexual activity with men but stay married? You said you want her acceptance, which is a very good goal--but do you also feel confident that you've accepted this part of yourself? Are you satisfied with the idea of expressing this part of your sexuality through fantasy and pornography and not with another person?

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Robin Lee
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HI wonderingguy84 and welcome to Scarleteen,

Bright Star has already brought up some really spot-on points an questions.

I wanted to ad that with the number of people it sounds like you've told the chances get higher and higher by the day that someone will talk to your wife--either have an intentional conversation with her about it or accidentally let something slip--if they haven't already. I would imagine that you'd like to talk to your wife on your own terms.

If you are going to talk to her, I would suggest not doing it online while at work. The two of you live together, and, as difficult as it might be emotionally, are able to have a face-to-face conversation.

If talking to her is something you want to do, would you like some help an support around figuring out what to say?

In terms of your lack of orgasm during sex, it souns like you're pretty stressed right now, which is definitely linked to sexual response. Does that make sense? I'm not sure, but it's sounding like you're thinking this sexual response might have to do with your sexual orientation. Is that what you're thinking?

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Robin

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wonderingguy84
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Yes, i am totally happy with keeping my urges for the real thing at bay by using porn and fantasies. I would like to talk to her, but I have such a tough time getting the guts to. I mean, we have already but over facebook and text. She basically said that unless i want to leave her for a man, which i dont..that she didnt want to discuss it or make it a big deal.

Thank you all for your input! Let me respond to a few questions and clarify a few things. No, even if i had the chance right now, and no one would find out..I still wouldnt go through with it. I love my wife more than anything, and the guilt of cheating on her would eat me alive. Question # 2. Yes, i could and will totally be faithful to my wife.

My main goal in all of this is just that she knows, and understands and accepts me for me. I am not asking her, nor do i want to start having sex with men on the side. Am I curious about going down on some really hot guy? Extremely. However, my marriage is more important. To other post, yes I would love it if she used a strap on on me. I think that would help my urges subside. I do agree though, that in some odd way..part of me wishes she knew, or either suspected it enough that she would ask me about it so we could talk. I am having such a tough time getting the guts to bring it up myself. The reference to the guy in the original post was merely to illustrate that my urges have gotten intense enough that i fantasize about certain guys, instead of the penis just by itself. It should be noted that I have no desire to date a man, or have a relationship with one. It is pure sexual curiosity.

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BrightStar171
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Well, to some extent it sounds like she has asked you about it, right? You said in your first post that she's "flat-out asked" whether you're gay. If you want to talk about it with her, I really think you should consider responding to these questions with a little more nuance, rather than just telling her you're not gay. It sounds like you don't identify as gay at all, so saying you're not gay is an honest answer- it just doesn't fully answer the question.

What do you think would happen if, next time she asked you a question like that, you explained to her that you think you're attracted to both men and women, that you want to stay married to and exclusive with her but explore your attraction to men through fantasy, and that you'd be interested in exploring adding a strap-on to your sexual repertoire?

How much do you and your wife talk about your sex life when it's unrelated to this? Are you at a point where each of you is pretty comfortable talking about sex with each other, on a general level?

Have you looked at this article yet, by the way? http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner I think it's really great at

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wonderingguy84
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I would love to speak more with her about it, or at least find out her thoughts. For example, tonight we were sitting on the couch watching tv, and she starts teasing me about how i had an issue during sex the other night. Basically I was unable to reach orgasm with her. She made a comment "sometimes you make me wonder" and I said "Oh yea, about what?" If you are gay" she responds. The confusing thing is that she said it in such a way, it was more of a teasing joke than an accusation. She is pretty shy sexually, as I am the only sex partner she has ever had. We've had a facebook and text convo about it, but she basically said that unless i wanted to leave her for a guy, she didnt want to discuss it or make a big deal of it..but then she makes little comments like that more and more often it seems. What do you think she is thinking?
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Robin Lee
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I couldn't even begin to guess what she is thinking.

Making "jokes" about someone being gay is pretty common, but I couldn't tell you if your wife is doing that, or if she's trying to say something else.

What do you think about asking her? You could say something like "I've noticed that the idea of me being gay seems to be coming up more and more in conversation. You said in our facebook chat that you didn't want to talk about this anymore, but it seems to keep coming up. Can you tell me what that's about?"

How does it make *you* feel when she makes these comments?

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wonderingguy84
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Well, when it first happened..it made me super nervous. Like, in the beginning, years ago. But lately, i almost just wish she would ask me flat out if i was bisexual. The thing that made me concerned about this last comment was that she was totally serious when she said it. Every time before that has been in a joking tone. She referenced a few weeks ago when we were having sex, i was unable to finish twice and had to do it myself.
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Robin Lee
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You know, it's not all that unusual for someone to go through periods (or for someone to experience this always) of not being able to have an orgasm from a specific sexual activity. This doesn't say anything about the person, or about their partner. How did it feel when she was teasing you about this? How do you feel about it in general?

It sounds to me like there are two things going on here; your bisexual feelings and interests and the ongoing comments from your wife.

What do you feel like you need in terms of exploring your bisexuality? Having room to explore it? Being able to talk about it openly? Something else?

How do you feel about talking to your wife about these comments that you might be gay as I suggested above?

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wonderingguy84
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Well, its not the first time thats ever happened. I had issues quite often reaching orgasm during sex with all my gfs, and her included. I could go so long they would get bored. Maybe it was because I masturbated so much.

As far as how I felt when she made the comments, I mean i dont know. I was a little anxious, but then i was just thinking in my mind "I wish she suspected I was bisexual enough that she would be up front enough to ask me in person". The only talk we have ever had was over facebook and texts.

I have talked to quite a few others about it, and if she was to hear about it from someone else, i wouldnt be suprised. But I mean, i honestly think she knows that I find some men hot and have sexual fantasies about them. Just not sure if she believes it, or accepts it.

In terms of exploring it, if she was ok with that, I would maybe try it out once. But honestly, all I REALLY want, is for her to be fully aware and accept that sometimes i have sexual fantasies about men. From what i have said on here, do you think she is aware, and just doesnt want to discuss it?

I think she makes the comments about wondering if im gay just as a joke, or to tease me. I think if she really thought that, she would have left me by now. I honestly dont think i am gay, do you?

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Redskies
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Hi, wonderingguy84.

Re. your orientation, only you can know what it is, and only you get to define it. For most people, someone who can be attracted to people of more than one gender could be classed as bisexual if they wanted to. If you feel like you need to question your orientation just for yourself, that's fair enough, but please don't feel you need to start questioning it just because some other people are saying things. If bisexuality isn't even occuring to them - and it sounds like it's not - then their take on things isn't at all reliable, you know?

Some men don't reach orgasm, at all or always, through vaginal or penetrative sex. It's just a case of bodies being different and responding in different ways to different stimulation. That doesn't in itself indicate anything at all about your orientation, and for most people doesn't have a physical cause like "a lot of masturbation". The only way that might come into things is if someone just hasn't got familiar with or comfortable with a different kind of stimulation and their mind and body hasn't figured out how it wants to respond yet. But mostly, it's just the way a person's body works.

From what you've said, just in my opinion, it doesn't sound like there's any chance that your wife is going to guess you're bisexual: the fact that she's only ever mentioned "gay" and not "bisexual" strongly suggests that bisexuality has just not occured to her at all. And if it hasn't yet, it's unlikely to. There's a good reason for that, which I probably don't have to tell you, a bisexual man, but I'll say it anyway. There's still a great deal of lack of awareness of bisexuality, and the general view of orientation is very either/or, straight/gay. The majority of straight folk seem never to wonder if someone might be bisexual, it's nearly always "gay/straight?" - and a fair number of lesbian and gay folk forget bisexuality too. There just aren't the scripts there for wondering if someone is bisexual when we (people in general) are wondering about their orientation. It's a thing that drives many of us bi folk potty.

I think that if you want your wife to know that you're bisexual, you're going to have to tell her yourself. It's not really fair to hope that someone will put the clues together and come up with the right thing that's going on with us. And in the meantime, you're just going to continue to feel unhappy and frustrated, and she (I'm guessing) confused. I don't think there's any point spending any time at all wishing or hoping that she's going to guess, because it doesn't get you anywhere. I think it would be more constructive for you to decide whether you want to tell her, and if you do, how best to tell her, and to address the feelings and concerns you have about telling her.

I can't know why your wife is saying and asking the things she is. It does seem a reasonable possibility that she's wondering if you're gay, though. If that is what she's thinking, she's actually in a pretty rough position. If that were the case, then she would likely be fearing her husband is gay. The implications of that are huge - if she doesn't fit within your orientation, what does that mean for her marriage? If she is wondering, I can't help thinking it would be fairer to her for her to know the truth. I think perhaps the key and most important question here is how you feel about your wife. You've made very clear that you are very committed to her, but perhaps it would help for you to get clear in your own head how you really feel. Are you attracted to your wife? Do you want to be in a relationship with your wife?

If the answers to those questions are "yes", then that makes a lot of this easier on both you and her. Because no matter what any of our orientations are, what really matters is how we feel about the person concerned. If the answers are "yes", then telling your wife would simply involve a lot of explaining what bisexuality really means, reassuring her that you want to be with her and that she completely fits in the range of people you're attracted to, and that you want Her. And, of course, a lot of bravery - telling people is always a big thing, and a marital partner is about as big as it gets. But it does sound like your wife isn't a raging bigot, just as an absolute base-line thing, so there's a lot of hope to work with here.

Someone feeling they're having to hold back on something major, like their orientation, and someone having big unanswered questions, like their partner's orientation, can absolutely put a Huge dampener on anyone's sex life. In fact, I'd be surprised if it didn't. Having a big unspoken thing between people very usually gets reflected in a sexual disconnect.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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wonderingguy84
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Hey everyone, I wanted to provide an update on things, and ask for some more insight into the situation.

To the last responder, Yes, I am totally attracted to her, and want to be in a relationship with her. The jokes and comments have stopped a bit, and she hasnt really made any comments. However, the other day she brought up the issue of how you make sure children dont discriminate against people who are gay, bi, etc. She said, we teach them not to discriminate based on race, skin color, etc..but how do you teach them at a young age to not look at bisexual and gay people differently.

I was getting a bit nervous when she started making this comment because I thought she might start asking me about prior conversations we have had. I told her that I dont think being gay or bi is bad at all, and that I consider someone a bad person if they commit a crime, etc. She told me she agrees, and doesnt see it as a bad thing..but then she also said "I really dont know where I stand on it" but I do not think its wrong.

Does this comment, or comments mean anything in relation to me? I mean, Do you think she was fishing for me to open up more about my sexual desires for sex acts with men?

One thing that hasnt changed is the curiosity of experimenting sexually. I would never, and will never cheat on her..but the curiosity of going down on a guy is and always has been very intriguing to me.

I have cut down enormously on asking other mutual friends if I come off gay or bi..but the urge to ask them still remains. Any thoughts on this would help a great deal. Thank you everyone!

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Robin Lee
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Hi wonderingguy84,

If your wife was fishing, she wasn't being very clear about it; it's her responsibility to be clear about what she's talking about, not your responsibility to read between the lines. It can be pretty crazy-making to always be looking for subtexts in what someone says, so I'd suggest taking her at face-value. Again, you always have the option of asking her what she means, or asking if she's concerned about your sexuality.

Can you talk some about what it is that makes you want to ask friends if they perceive you as gay?

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wonderingguy84
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To be honest, I have been asking female friends and ex gfs of mine, as well as female cousins for quite some time. That includes her sisters and cousins as well. I am not sure why i do it, or why i did. I think that part of me was freaked out in the beginning when my curiosity started about going down on men, and so maybe part of me needed validation. Maybe me asking them what they thought, in some weird way I was hoping they would tell me i didnt come off that way so I could just chalk up my urges to being a phase.

Over the years, the many people ive asked, about a little under half had said they wondered if i was bisexual somewhat. Both of her sisters said they had wondered, more because I am in touch with my feminine side a bit at times. When i had talked to her sisters about it, they had already heard rumors from others that I had spoke with about it.

Maybe I am reading into the discussion with my wife last night too much. Who knows. I guess part of me wants to feel comfortable enough to just tell her that I have fantasies of giving oral sex to men, and for her not to feel like she isnt enough for me. I know that sounds dumb. I mean, after we had that short discussion, she is more open minded than i thought she was which is good.

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Robin Lee
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Nothing you're saying here sounds dumb. You're trying to figure this out.

You've mentioned before that you and your wife have been talking about having children, and it's pretty common for folks thinking about having children to talk about what it would be like, how they'd raise their kids, etc.

So, it sounds like what you're looking for from your wife is acceptance. You want her to know about this part of you, and give you the validation you're looking for by accepting all of you. Does that summing up sound about right, or am I missing something?

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Robin

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wonderingguy84
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Hey Robin,

Yes you are totally correct. I would also like to know if she truly knows, and accepts it. I say that because a couple that we were very close to in college, and whwne we got married..have recently kind of abandoned me because of this "issue".

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Robin Lee
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So it sounds like the talking you've been doing with mutual friends has started to have an impact on your life, with this couple not interacting with you as much (if at all) anymore. This says to me that if you want to keep control of this situation you're really going to have to stop talking to other people about this, at least until you're able to talk with your wife about it. You can continue to do as you like, of course, but the chances will continue to increase that your wife will hear about this from other people, or start wondering what is going on and be worried or upset about it.

The only way you can know if she already knows is to talk to her. I know it feels scary.

Would you like to talk about ways the two of you can start this conversation?

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Robin

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wonderingguy84
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Yes, i would love to hear ways to bring it up to her and get her to talk completely about it. I honestly dont know why I have felt the need to talk to so many females, and mutual friends of ours. Do you have any idea why? Any insight? From everything i have stated, do you think she knows..
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Karybu
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There's really, seriously no way any of us could possibly guess whether or not she knows. I wish we could tell you, but that's just not possible, and you do need to talk to her about it.

As for starting that conversation, how about something along the lines of: "I have something that I need to talk to you about, and it's about my sexuality so it's kind of awkward and a bit difficult for me to talk about, so I'd appreciate it if you let me explain fully and then you can ask me any questions." Obviously adjust the wording to make it work for you, but does that sound like it might work?

I'd also try and make sure that you can talk about this at a time when both of you are relatively relaxed, in a space where you're comfortable, and when you've got lots of time so that you don't need to cut things short.

I really don't know why it is that you've felt the need to talk to so many people about this, but could it be that you're trying to judge how your wife might react? We often have very similar views to people we're close with, so it might be a way of testing the waters, so to speak. (Just a theory, only you can really know for sure.)

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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wonderingguy84
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I wanted to give all of you an update, especially those who have been kind enough to offer advice.

We havent really spoke about it much lately, but my sexual curiosities and urges in regards to performing oral sex on a man are still around and pretty strong. We havent had sex in quite a while, and when I bring it up to her about her initiating, she said she is super scared of rejection and is afraid to get rejected by me if im not in the mood.

It seems as though the amount of people i have asked for advice has really back fired. The couple we were close with in college wont even respond to texts or social network messages, and has gone as far as to defriend me from certain networks.

I am starting to accept the idea of being bisexual, but i still feel like i hate myself. People are picking up on my interest in men more than ever it seems. However, girls I am friends with are being quite supportive and helping me through this, but its just so overhwhelming.

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wonderingguy84
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I forgot to ask a question in last post..the craving, or urge to give oral sex to a really hot guy is getting super intense?! What do i do?
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Heather
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What do you WANT to do about it?

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wonderingguy84
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Honestly, i want to know if i like it or not, but dont want to cheat.
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wonderingguy84
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Anyone have any advice, my next steps etc?
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Molias
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I think if you don't want to cheat on your partner, the first step still has to be that you have an honest discussion about your feelings and desires with her. I know that's really scary for you, and that's understandable, but from everything you've said here it sounds like you can't really move forward in any way until you have a conversation with your wife about these things.

If you're still finding this conversation much too intimidating to approach right now, it might be helpful to spend some time with a therapist where you can dig a little deeper into what you're feeling and how to start this conversation with her.

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Heather
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I'd also remind you that engaging in sex with someone else doesn't have to be cheating.

In other words, we can have relationships with people where we have agreements about sex with others, and where any sex with others is honest, and within the agreements we've made, not outside them. And thank includes marriages: not everyone who is married is in a marriage where those in it have agreed on sexual exclusivity. Some marriages are open by agreement.

It just all depends on what agreements we make.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wonderingguy84
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Thanks for the responses! I think my biggest fear with all of this is adding more stress to her plate. The last thing I want her to feel is that she isnt enough for me. And yes, it scares me still about the conversation, but i think slowly im getting more open to the idea of a face to face talk, instead of over social networks.

I guess I just hate how people who i thought were our friends have reacted. I never knew this kind of judgement would come from people i thought were my friends.

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