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Author Topic: Is there something wrong?
mimicala93
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Hi. I have just joined this site and I really hope that you can help me with something.

I am a 19 year old who identifies as a pansexual female. I have never had sex before and have not dated a lot. I find myself thinking about sex a lot and I would like to lose my virginity, but the thought of being penetrated frightens and disturbs me. Is there something wrong with me? It's not just the idea of penetration by a penis or something comparable that freaks me out. Even when I masturbate, I cannot bring myself to insert my fingers. I have never even used a tampon before.

Posts: 3 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Jul 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Welcome to the boards, mimicala93. [Smile]

Generally, it's one thing when someone just isn't interested in something, and something else when something scares someone, or they have a strong aversion. Since the vaginal canal is a place of the body where things can safely go inside -- unlike say, out inner ear -- then feeling afraid like this usually does indicate something is up.

Mind, that's not to say you ever have to have that kind of sex, alone or with any gender of partner, whatever your reasons for not wanting to, be they fear or yawning-disinterest.

But if you want to talk more about those fears, this piece might give us some good places to get started: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/does_sex_have_to_involve_penetration_the_idea_of_it_makes_me_totally_sick

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mimicala93
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I will check out that article, thank you Heather.

When I went to see a gynecologist for the first time (a very uncomfortable experience) a couple months ago and told her of my aversion, as soon as she assured that I wasn't sexually abused as a child, she simply shrugged it off by saying that I just needed to experiment with my fingers or figuring out how to use a tampon. This was even after she saw how uncomfortable I was during her internal examination of my uterus. She said I was probably just uncomfortable because of my virginity. I didn't even get a chance to tell her that every time I have tried to use a tampon, when I get it even close to my entrance I start shuddering and end up breaking down into tears out of utter frustration with myself.

I hope I can find some actual helpful advice in this article.

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Robin Lee
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Mimicala93,

I'm sorry to hear the gynecologist you saw was so dismissive of your concerns. I'd say that, if you can, finding another gyn when you need to see one again would be a good idea for you.

We'd be happy to talk about anything that comes up for you after you read the article Heather linked you to.

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Robin

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mimicala93
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I read that article that Heather sent.

Although I understand the concept of a relationship without sex (a quote I recently saw "If there can be sex without love, there can be love without sex"), I suppose I'm worried that I would not be able to find someone who's willing to be a part of that sort of relationship.

Is it possible that this aversion is something I will get over, or will I feel this way forever?

I also then worry about the time in my life when it comes to having kids. I would love to have kids, but the actual *having* also kind of freaks me out.

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Heather
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You know, I don't know about you, but I have had many loving relationships in my life that weren't sexual.

Some of them have been family relationships. others, strong friendships (which, with me, usually become people I consider family). Some of them have been romantic, but not sexual.

And that's been my experience as someone who also has and wants sexual relationships, so it's not like I have expressly sought out all my relationships with the desire none of them have been sexual, if you follow me. In other words, I find that most people have those relationships, myself included, without necessarily trying to seek out non-sexual relationships, so much as just seeking out people they connect with, and then creating relationships based on what we each want, and what the flavor, for lack of a better word, of those interpersonal connections tends to be.

That all said, any kind of strong aversion in life tends to be pretty uncomfortable for the person having it: living with fear isn't usually fun, and doesn't feel good, even when we can elect not to do things we feel afraid of.

It sounds like this is a pretty strong aversion for you, and is also less about sex and more about your body parts, which you, of course, have to live with all the time. So, my best personal advice would be to consider talking to a counselor or therapist about this to see if you can't figure out what's going on, and find ways to feel more comfortable with these body parts.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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