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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Am I gay?

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Author Topic: Am I gay?
Member # 43289

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I've waffled between calling myself both "straight" and "bisexual" for the last seven or so years. I've recently taken to the term "queer" because of it's ambiguity. I've only really dated men but I find myself about equally attracted to men and women. However, forgive my bluntness, I'm really not into penises. My straight female friends talk about how they find their boyfriend's penises really arousing to look it and think about and whatnot and I really don't get it. I mean, I don't have anything against them I guess but I have zero sexual feelings about them. In my sexual experiences with men, including my current boyfriend, I've felt really un-fazed by sex acts that are very "straight" (intercourse, performing oral sex, etc.). Which got me thinking, am I just big fat lesbian and not admitting it to myself?
Posts: 63 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi pantokrator,

Feeling ambivalent about penises doesn't necessarily mean you're a lesbian, it just means you feel ambivalent about penises. [Smile]

Do you feel sexually attracted to your boyfriend in other ways? When you engage in intercourse or oral sex with him, how do you feel? Put another way, if you feel unphased, what motivates you to continue engaging in those activities with him?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 43289

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My boyfriend is genderqueer and I'm really attracted to his gender non-conformity. However, when we have sex it feels like all that disappears and he's just like any other guy and then I feel kind of bored. My previous male partners were all very cis-gender men and I mainly had sex with them because I felt like it was something I was just supposed to want to do.
I keep having sex with my current boyfriend because I love him and want to be close to him but I don't really feel excited by it most of the time. Now that I'm thinking about it, I only find sex exciting when he continues his gender non-conformity in bed by, for example, letting me wear a strap-on or putting or putting on make-up. I guess I just wonder whether or not I would need this much "kink" (?) in order to be sexually excited with a woman.

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Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm not sure that what's happening with the way you feel about your boyfriend sexually can tell us or you anything about how you do or might feel sexually with any given woman.

I think all it can really tell you is how you feel about sex with this person. Who isn't a woman, as I understand it.

How you find out about how you feel sexually with a given woman is by having sex with that given woman. Who, of course, can't tell you how you'd likely feel about sex with all women -- and who also might not be a woman who wears makeup, or wants sex with receptive entry, since it's not like either of those things are things all women do or like -- mostly just sex with her.

[ 02-22-2013, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi pantokrator,

I think it might be helpful to separate your feelings about your current boyfriends (and previous ones, for that matter) from your feelings of attraction to women. It's certainly possible for you to be attracted to men, women, gender-fluid people, etc. but sexual attraction to women will probably not be the abscence of qualities you find unappealing or boring, but the presence of things you are excited about.
The things that get you excited when you're having sex with your boyfriend might also be similar things that you'd enjoy with a woman, but the only real way to know would be through experience, and of course you can't extrapolate from a sexual experience with one woman to what you'd enjoy with *any* women.

If you aren't into penises, there are plenty of sexual things you can explore with your partner that don't involve his penis. (Also, friendly reminder: not all men have penises! Some women do! It's good to keep that in mind!) I mean, he'll have his own thoughts on how that works for him, but there's a really wide range of sexuality that exists outside of "directly stimulating each other's genitals."

I wasn't sure from what you wrote but it sounds like you are sometimes having sex with your boyfriend in ways you don't particularly enjoy. I'd strongly encourage you to talk to him more about what works and doesn't work for you so you can stop having sex you don't enjoy; that's really not a good position for either of you to be in.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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