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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » What is even going on with me?

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Author Topic: What is even going on with me?
EarthenBirthed
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Uhhh hey! So I've identified as a couple different sexualities. Lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual (that ones still true). Right now, I really don't know though. Heres what I'm feeling: So girls are literally great, I'll always like girls thats not even a question. I could see myself having a serious relationship with a girl, marrying her, having kids with her, you know the whole committed thing. All the sex n stuff included. But theeeen you get the Guys. I can really appreciate the male body. Sans one thing: the Penis. I have a really strange relationship with the Penis, in fact. Pretty much all the time, penises scare the b'jeezes out of me... the whole... insertion thing. And just... it's so intimidating.
Okay.
So theres that. But you know, once you have one in front of your face, it's kind of a different story, ja feel? I get kinda curious. But I still hate the idea of penises and especially one going into my body omg I almost cant even type that sh*t. Okay so theres that. And then sometimes guys personalities are okay, but then most of the time it's just like... no. Nope. But I really, really like the male physique? It's weird. So weird.
Other than that, the other thing is that whenever I think of actually wanting to be in a relationship with a guy, I just feel gross. Like a gross person. Perverted almost. I really don't understand. So, is it even fair to say that I'm pansexual? That I'm bi? I mean, I've dated a few people that didn't identify with either gender, and one who was a trans*man. So what is it then? Should I just drop the labels? What do I say to people when they ask, if they ask? Bluh. Thank you.

[ 11-09-2012, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: EarthenBirthed ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm not sure I'd say there's anything weird about this, especially if your only knowledge of penises is in the abstract.

Do I have it right that there is?

If so, generally, the idea of being involved with genitals, unattached to people we actually know and also want to be with, individually, tends to be uncomfortable for a lot of people, especially younger people. (Of course, the same goes for having negative feelings about the genitals of someone we DO know, but when we really didn't want to be in contact with their genitals.)

I'd also question thinking that penises = insertion. And, for that matter, that sex with women doesn't, particularly since a lot of women who sleep with women engage in kinds of sex with vaginal or other bodily entry.

But no matter what, I don't see this as anything to be concerned about. I mean, it's not like you have to want to be involved with anyone's penis when you don't want to be, or aren't even, involved with an individual person who HAS that penis, you know?

I'd also add that bodies are so,so very diverse, so even the phrase "male physique" always throws me, particularly as someone who has seen a lot of bodies, including many of bodies I could easily see a given person or group of people assigning a gender to that would be the wrong one for that person and their bodies. [Smile]

[ 11-09-2012, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Heather
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Per what you call yourself and your sexual identity, I'd say that's really up to you.

And personally, I think when people ask and it's about if we want to date them or not, all we really need to be able to say is that we're interested or we're not. We really don't have to say why unless we want to. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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EarthenBirthed
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By male physique, I mean ANY type. It's really weird. And I guess I should say cismale. Though, I love all bodies aha. Well no, I mean I've had penises around me, attached to badies, perhaps touching me or... (ugh I really don't want to talk about that. Bad experience.) And I've totally thought about penetration with another woman, and I'm pretty sure I'd be 100% comfortable with that. It's just, I guess when it's attached to a male body, it creeps me out. I guess you're right about not having to engage in anything with a penis even being involved with a person who has one, but I feel it would be unfair to them...

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EarthenBirthed
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*bodies.
Also, thank you for helping me out!

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Heather
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Well, I hear you saying -- it sounds like -- the one time you have had sexual contact with a penis, it was a bad experience. Do I have that right?

I don't think "fairness" is an issue when it comes to how we do or don't engage with other people's bodies. We'll all have our own wants and not-wants, and not everyone is a sound sexual fit.

So, for sure, if someone with a penis wanted a sexual partner who was into their penis and wanted to be intimately involved with that penis, sounds like right now, you'd probably not be that person. But that's okay: you don't have to be. They can find someone who IS that person. They don't have to be your partner, after all. [Smile]

(Gotta say, though, I'm not sure what really makes a cismale body cismale besides a) a penis or b) IDing that way. I mean, lack of breasts? Plenty of ciswomen have very small or no real breast tissue, while plenty of cisguys do. Narrow hips? Same deal. Body hair? same. get what I mean?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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EarthenBirthed
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(Yeah I gotcha. I guess that part doesn't really matter too much to me. It was kind of just an extra little thing to add in that I thought would be important? I thought cismale meant like actually biologically being male, though...)
I have had sexual contact with a penis. Two, really. But... ugh I can't even talk about it. It was borderline rape- jesus I don't even want to say that ugh, I just. Well. Okay nevermind. But yeah, you're right. I guess it just doesn't really matter. If I'm attracted to them but we're not sexually compatible then thats something to consider when in that relationship.

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Heather
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Well, what we call "biologically" male is someone XY. But what a lot of people consider "biologically male" is just someone having a penis. And, of course, there are so many chromosomal combos besides XY that even that is tricky. Plus, there are going to be people we assume are XY from looking, especially without seeing them naked, who aren't. We're at the point in terms of the knowledge we have where we just know that the idea of "biological" sex or gender is really, really problematic.

I'd say that on the whole, right now, being cisgender means simply identifying yourself as the same gender you were assigned at birth.

If and when someone has had an abusive or otherwise traumatic experience with a body part, we'd expect them to have some baggage with that body part, especially if they haven't had a while to heal, some counseling help -- or some kind of in-depth, safe-space talking about it -- to boot, and then POSITIVE experiences with that part. All of which obviously can take a lot of time, even a lifetime.

So, for sure, if someone or more than one someone has used their penis to hurt you, then you feeling freaked about penises, especially in a sexual capacity, is pretty understandable.

But like I said, I also don't think that you have to worry overmuch about this. It's not like you will be doing anyone any harm if you nix contact with their penis, after all. Or opt not to date people with penises who want their penises to be part of their sexual lives when you're not up for that.

[ 11-09-2012, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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EarthenBirthed
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Oh man, I didn't even think about all that, dang. :000 okay, thank you. Thanks. I really appreciate your advice!

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Heather
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Of course.

And if you ever need a safe space to talk about the traumas you brought up here, know we're happy to listen and talk with you here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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