I am now an assumed gay man for some time, and I have no problems with that whatsoever. I have been comfortable being gay, and there are no social restraints for me. Lately, however, I find I do not have the same interest for men. When I am alone thinking of a relationship with a man, it does not feel just right for me, and the idea of kissing one bares some issues for me. When I have live with a man, though, that disappears and I have no problems being with them at all. For instance, right now I am getting involved with a guy, and everything seems just perfect when I am with him. When I'm not, something does not feel right with me... I really do not know what is happening.
Posts: 6 | From: Portugal | Registered: Jun 2009
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Hi, keybot. I can understand how this might be pretty confusing.
I think that sometimes, when we're trying to think about what our orientation is, we can get stuck if we try to start with the orientation and work out how it applies to us, rather than starting with the people we're attracted to and finding what orientation seems to describe that. What I mean by that is: if someone finds that the people they're attracted to are all or nearly all the same gender as themself, it would make sense if that person considered themself gay (though they certainly don't have to). If we start at the other end and think about all the people who are the same gender as us, then it's hugely likely that we aren't going to be attracted to a lot of those people, because there's just so many people and they're all so different.
If we know that we're attracted to some men, we can fully expect that there will be many, many men who we're just not attracted to at all, because there are so many so very different men. When you're imagining being in a relationship with "a man", are you thinking of specific men that you like, or are you thinking of a general idea of a man? If you're thinking of a general idea of a man, then it's possible that the kind of man you're imagining isn't someone you're very attracted to or who you want to be in a relationship with. That doesn't say anything at all about your feelings about having a relationship with a man who you do like. Even if we're attracted to some men, we can still not like the idea of kissing many other men, because those other men just don't do it for us.
I think it would make a lot more sense to think about this in terms of specific men you do like. When you think about the guy you're getting involved with, how do you feel about the idea of kissing him, or of being in a relationship with him?
Even though you say you've been comfortable being gay, I think it's worth mentioning, too, that very few gay and queer people are never affected by some of the negative attitudes around. There are still many messages that we shouldn't kiss or be in a relationship with someone of the same gender, and those kinds of messages can affect how we feel about it. Could that be something that's affected you?
-------------------- The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not. Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011
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