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Author Topic: I dunno where this puts us now
rextx
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My friend that ive had a crush on forever, i told him and he reciprocated the feelings but didnt reall know how to feel about it. Ive given him his space to breathe and think and then yesterday i decided i should stop avoiding him just as well. The conversation was kinda awkward, but it made things make a lot more sense. Long story short, he asked me to come over for the night like i always do for dinner and cause his mom thinks were fighting. She has no idea all of this has been going on. Later i thought she had gone to bed, so we started talking in the living room and at one point he kissed me. I dunno if he planned it that way, cause he doesnt know how to talk to his mom, but she saw the whole thing and was obviously upset about it but my friend made it worse and started an all out fight with her. Now of course she thinks im the problem and that i started this, and i cant even go around there. She didnt say how long or whatever, but i know shes ticked at me more than him. Im kinda upset cause he outted both of us to her, but more upset cause i dunno how this will work now. I dont want to make his mom even more mad by going over, or by knowing ive seen him, but we both decided that we want to give this a shot. How do we now?

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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I'm so sorry that that happened, Rextx. The first thing I want to say (just from my own opinion) is that he did kiss you, right? His mother saw that exchange; so maybe in her confusion over that, you might feel as if she identified you as "the problem." But she is confused and angry - maybe about her son not telling her his feelings or sexual orientation - and since you were a part of it, she might have "taken it out on you"... Does that make sense? This is only my opinion, though!

Outting someone when we're not ready must be very upsetting, just as you've stated in earlier posts (you didn't want to out your friend by dating him if outting was something he didn't want); and I'm so sorry that that happened. How has his mother been since then? Have you had any contact with your friend since then?

Perhaps giving his mom some space to come to terms with what happened - which would give her a chance to talk with your friend too - is a good thing to do right now. Also, you might need to take your own time to heal and accept what happened there, too! How are you feeling now?

I know you're probably not really focusing on this part of the situation, but I am very happy for you that he kissed you. You said that you and your friend wanted to give this a shot - that's great! Maybe give you, your friend, and his mom some time to recuperate; and then see where that leaves the two of you. Congratulations on being so honest with him! I really hope you're feeling better today!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rextx
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Yeah he did kinda out of the blue. It completely makes sense and im not mad at her or anything, never was. She cant help it and wasnt expecting it and i didnt even know it was gonna happen. Thats part of why i dont tell a lotta people, cause i cant predict how theyll react. I know shes mad at me right now and i cant blame her, he told her last night it was just me when they were fighting. Not that he blamed me, just that i was th eonly one he liked that way. Its not even that i care he outted us either but i dont deal with tense situations especially when its between other people even if im not involved it stresses me out and it was just a disaster last night. I just hate it for her cause i know she wanted to yell at me last night and she didnt, she just asked me to leave. The only thing ive heard from him since then was to go to my sisters and not home, thats it. Im just worried shes gonna forbid this, not that she could legally but i dont think hed have the heart to hurt her that bad if she said that. Shes always been nice, i think i feel wrose that i hurt her feelings. Right now i dont know what i feel, i guess a little overworked mentally that happened, i dunno whats gonna happen now and soon enough im gonna have to explain myself to her and i dont know whats going to happen there. Im glad hes open about it and to it, really am, but i think things just went really really badly. Still i cant say anything, he at least had the guts to do it and i dont. Youre always so helpful, thank you again.

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hi Rextx,

I'm so sorry I haven't been able to answer this thread for a while. But, I've reread your post and I also want to see how you're doing today (or tonight, or this morning... Whatever the case may be for Texas! [Wink] ).

One thing someone important to me has told me (and I might've already posted it here or in your other thread, but I always remind myself of it when I'm upset over my own interactions with others) is that you cannot control other people's responses to what you say. You can, however, control your own. It's really tough to do those two things; but try to remember that your friend's mother's reaction to you both kissing is her own; and that it is not directly your fault. I can see that you feel responsible; but she did choose to react in the way she did (I'm not saying that it's her fault for feeling bad or that she "chose" the wrong emotions - her feelings are her own, just like yours are), so you cannot feel guilty for her reaction in that sense. I hope that doesn't sound too weird. I'm happy that she didn't yell at you or anything... That shows that she has respect for you and was still treating you as a guest in her home, regardless of what had happened.

I'm so sorry that this happened. I can't imagine having that to deal with on top of your own feelings and his; and then the kiss. You're going through so much. I understand about how you don't deal well with tense situations - I don't either. I hate confrontation and it just doesn't go well for me when I confront people (I apologize after and it kind of loses any "power" I had in that moment). But maybe the best thing to do right now is to lay low until your friend asks you to come over again.

That being said about waiting to come over again, I don't know how to say this; but your friend's mother should also hear your side of everything. She has heard her son's and knows her own feelings and opinions on this; but maybe to get a clearer view of how everyone is feeling, she should hear your side of the story, too. I'm not saying she has to; but it might help your relationships if she does. Do you think she'd ever be open to hearing your side of things? When you say you will have to soon explain yourself to her, all you can really do in my opinion is to do just that: explain your feelings and be honest. That is all you really can do; and I believe that is enough. She might have questions for you and you can answer those; but really, you are responsible for just your feelings and that is that. Don't feel as if you're under pressure for anything else. [Smile]

Coming out takes courage, yes, but you're also considering the feelings of your family; which takes tons of courage, in my opinion. Do you think your friend's mother will tell your mother about any of this? I know you said your parents don't really know your friend, but could something like that ever happen?

You can always write down what you want to say to your friend's mom if and when you speak to her; so at least you have everything planned out (even if you don't say everything and just have a rough draft of what you'd like to say) in case you get nervous. But it seems that she really does care for you; so if you approach this as you're showing me - with care, support, and friendship towards her, like you've always felt for her - then that will help, in my opinion.

I really hope you're doing well... I can't imagine what you're going through, and I hope that things are going better for you now! I apologize again for my absence... But I have been thinking of you! [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rextx
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I didn't think about having different time zones, I guess that makes sense for being so far away. I know I shouldn't be guilty over it but just as well as I know him I know its killing her. I d; think I will talk t her I just don't know when I should try. Instill haven't heard much from him, just a few texts here and there. I don't think its smart to go back so soon she's not taking it well. Im not even sure if its the fact were interested but more upset that its just me he wants. If he liked another guy or something it'd make more sense, versus two girls and a guy. I get that, I don't really know how that works either but its the truth. She's nice she's like another mom to me so its just that much more difficult. Her saying something is entirely possible, but I'm not sure if shed do that or not. I haven't heard about it at least. She wouldnt know any better though I just hope.she doesn't. I've been staying with my sister for the most part, trying to avoid going home. Its been alright there luckily. I know I'll get to see him Tuesday but I don't know if I'll be welcome back by then. I know its.s weird but it almost doesn't feel right. I'm used to being at their house and now its like consecrated ground or something.

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hi, Rextx;

I can't say how sorry I am enough times to convey how bad I feel that this is happening. It must be so hard to deal with this and your feelings for your friend; and then to wonder how his mom is doing... But I think you're holding up well!

I'm not sure if this will help, but I think your mom might be reacting to all this in a shocked and confused way. I'm not sure if I ever told you this, but I once really liked my best friend; and he told me he didn't feel the same, and later told me (when I was over him) that he was gay. I struggled with that, because he was not honest with me from the start (but he was still sorting through his own feelings about his orientation at the time I told him I liked him); and I felt like I was betrayed. I still sometimes look back on that and feel sort of stupid - maybe because we were so close and I never knew he was gay until he told me; like I wasn't smart enough to see it - but that doesn't mean I love him any less. It's a different love now - we've gotten much closer since then and he's like a brother to me - but I remember feeling really confused and feeling like he had changed - become a different person - when in reality he hadn't, and he was just showing me another facet of his true self. Maybe it's like that with your friend's mom - maybe she feels like since her son wasn't honest with her (which is no one's fault, I don't mean this in a bad way at all!), she feels a bit betrayed and confused. And also, since she cares about you so much and never knew this about you or him, maybe she too feels a little shocked and silly. Again, it's not like you have to tell people your orientation - it's no one's business, in my opinion, unless you truly want to disclose this to them - but maybe she just feels a little confused because no one had told her sooner. If that is the case, you can always "explain" things to her knowing that she may be feeling those things.

I know what you mean about her maybe being less tense with another guy; but I don't think you should think like that. I think any parent who doesn't know their children's orientation would still feel confused and shocked, no matter who their child liked. Don't feel like it's just because it's you... I'm sure that even if it was some random person, she'd still be confused or feeling whatever it is she is feeling now. And besides, since her son and you are so close, at least she knows that her son has feelings for someone she had approved of as his friend and is someone who is good to him (and not some random person whom she did not know and had no idea about how he treated her son); so there is always that, too.

Does she know your family at all, or anyone else that you know? I wouldn't worry too much about that, though. Sometimes, when people have these kinds of stress, they just don't tell anyone about them. Besides, it is no one else's business - it is your private life. How come you are staying with your sister? Can you go home? Please keep me updated on what happens on Tuesday... Are you going to his practice?

I understand how you feel about his house feeling a bit different to you now. I felt the same way when I would go to my best friend's house after I told him how I felt. Those uncomfortable feelings do go away, though, trust me. [Smile] Besides, you can always see your friend in public - you can go for coffee or see a movie or just hang out and talk. Do you have to be at his house in order to see him?

I really hope you're doing better! Take care of yourself, and try not to stress too much about anything (though I know from experience that is so hard to do). Try to relax and just take care of your own feelings - do whatever you need to do to feel better during this time.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rextx
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That makes sense but at least with my friend he wasnt really lying to her. Hes had girlfriends, and if we hadnt been friends for so long i doubt hed even like me that way. I still dont think he shoulda told her the way he did either, but really she shouldnt see any of that stuff period its not cool. As far as im concerned i dont know why shed be upset over it but i cant help that now. Im trying not to think that way, but i know its still kinda true for her and thats ok it doesnt bother me. Hes smart and sociable and athletic and tall and im not a lot of those things, so i could see that even if i was a girl his mom wouldnt be happy that my friend was going out with me. Im not upset im not like him either, i dont care, its not a big deal you know? His mom works at a bank so she knows my mom indirectly, but my mom doesnt actually know her or anything. And she knows my sister from before she got married, but my sister already knows about all of this stuff. I dont think she said antyhing though or i wouldve heard about it by now. Ive been staying with my sister at first because she made me since i was really upset she wouldnt let me go home. Shes been surprisingly helpful, at least while shes not at work. Since then its just becasue i dont want to go home, but thats why i always stayed at my friends house before. Since the other two moved out they fight more, i dunno who but someones gonna call it over and move out im sure. My sister said thats why they never got married, but i try and avoid it all together. Usually i can see him wherever but we always ended up at his house later. Since his mom found out though i hadnt seen him at all until this morning. She hasnt let him go out as much and blows up his phone whenever he does so hes frustraed with her and hasnt done a whole lot. He texted me this morning saying they moved practice cause its supposed to start pouring rain during lunch time and that way thye can still get their practice in. I was gonna talk to her like you said about me but she wouldnt let me, she just shook her head and didnt say anything e lse just gave me a biscuit and shut the door. My friend said shes been like that since tuesday, wont talk to him about any of it but shes ticked and he knows it. They got into some fight this weekend really bad, he went and stayed at christophers house cause he thought the cops were gonna get called. Wouldnt tell me what happened, and im not gonna get him started over it. Whatever it was had him mad though, practice was horrible today and he ended up hurtinng his knee before practice was even over. Now we will be stuck at his house, but at least we cna talk til his mom gets home. Hopefully without her there we can figure out what we need to do. Thanks for your advice again, i have been trying to relax [Smile]

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hi, rextx!

My computer is still acting stupid (so if you hear screaming all the way over in Texas, it's probably me! [Wink] ), so now that it's working again, I'm going to write long messages! How are you doing? I hope you had a good 4th of July! My dad was American and I have dual citizenship, so I definitely feel patriotic towards the US! [Smile]

When you say that if you hadn't been friends for so long, you'd doubt he would even like you that way, do you mean you wouldn't think he'd have feelings towards you, or towards being gay in general? Try not to put yourself down like that - people can't control their sexual nature I don't think, so even if you weren't as close with him and even if you didn't know him at all, he might have still had an attraction to the same sex.

It sounds like you think that you and your friend are opposites. You know, in social psychology class, we learned all about attraction and intimacy; and though there is no empirical evidence/studies proving the notion that "opposites attract," there is a lot of practical evidence or anecdotal evidence supporting that theory. Sometimes, people with different attitudes and lifestyles just click. Sometimes they provide a balance; and during school, I found this to be true. For instance, if your friend's super athletic and you're more of a relaxed person, you will get him to take a break from it all and just hang out, and he could get you to run with him and stuff. So I don't think it should be a big deal either if you're two different people. Some people would rather date or like different people because they are different; and they like to see or experience new things and new sides of personalities. I wouldn't want to date an exact replica of me... Heck, that'd be pretty scary! [Wink]

I think you are right: if his mother told your mother, you would probably know about that by now. What do you tell your mom when you don't come home? I'm glad that your sister is supportive of you and is letting you stay with her for a while! I'm sorry, who's going to call it over and move out? Who are the other two that had moved out (of your friend's house)? I'm not sure if you're referring to your parents or not - I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry that things with his mother are so tense! So she let you come to the door and gave you a biscuit? That's kind of cool that she still gave you something. Speaking from experience as someone who had tried to reason with an ex-friend and he had never answered me, sometimes it's best to just give the person space to sort out their issues. And, if you keep asking to talk to her about it and she keeps saying no, then you have done your best - and all you can really do in that situation - and maybe you will have to leave it at that until she is ready to talk to you about it. It might take time, but she might be willing to hear your side of the story after a while has passed. She might still be feeling confused and hurt; and maybe after a while, she'll be more lenient towards hearing you out as well as her son.

I'm so sorry that they had a big fight. At least they are getting their emotions out and are not bottling them up - that is very unhealthy. I'm glad you guys are still getting a chance to talk. Could you maybe meet somewhere else other than his house, just so his mom won't walk in on you and interrupt your conversation? I know your friend hurt his knee - can he walk? That must be horrible for him and for you - I'm so sorry! I hate it when people close to me get hurt! Also, if you're figuring out what you both need to do, it might help if you're at a place where you won't be interrupted.

You're welcome! I hope you're doing well, and please let me know what happens!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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jayjay92
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It sounds like you two should talk more about it. You were friends first, his mom should realize that.

[ 07-05-2012, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: jayjay92 ]

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rextx
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Hello again! Glad that your computer is working better i hope it stays that way. And it was a good 4th, i got the apartment to myself and just chilled out for most of the night. Didnt really have anywhere to be. How was yours? Not sure how celebrated it is up there and all, even though theres obviously co-citizens there. I guess i mean both really but i didnt mean it in a bad way. I mean he doesnt know how to explain it either but he doesnt feel anything towards other guys hes tried to figure it out when he wouldnt talk to me but he said its just not hte same to him. Thats cool and all, but it does make sense that if we werent friends like we are that he wouldnt think that of me. It doesnt hurt my feelings its the truth you know? And it doesnt bother me neccesarily that were opposites but i just find it weird. Heck i think its weird that anybody would like me that way, not just him. Its how ive always been. He makes me a better person though even just as friends, even if it gets on my nerves sometimes. He said she hadnt told anybody, so i should be fine. Usually my mom either thinks im at my sisters or i just tell hre im at a friends. As long as i go to school and come home when she tells me to then she doesnt mind if im not at home. Its summer now too so shes all over the place, works better for me. Tonight im over here at home though, my sister asked me to. Im sorry i cna get too into my head sometimes. My brother and sister have both moved out of the house within the last couple of years, so its just me. Andnow that its only me they dont hold back their fighting anymore. My sister says momll be the one to move out since shes the only one that has somewhere to go if they break up. Hopefully theyll wait til after i finish school cause i really dont wanna live with just my dad, and my grandparents dont live in town so id have to stay here for school. Yeah his mom is kinda old school like my mom used to be, really does the mom thing. She likes to clean and cook and just take care of people, i dunno why. But shes used to making him breakfast, and since i stay over there so much she always has something for me too. Thats just cause i used to make her mad by not eating though, she thinks im too small so i always take what she gives me so she doesnt get mad even if i dont actually eat it. She talked a little when she got home that night, but she knew she interupted stuff and was kinda mad. All she did was ask if i wanted a ride to wherever i was going that night and then said goodnight but she wouldnt talk to me about that other stuff. She may still just be mad at my friend though cause he told me they got physical and thats why he left cause it just got real bad real quick and he hurther feelings. Its so weird i feel like maybe i shouldntt have done this cause i like both of them theyre important to me and now everyones mad at everybody. Were supposed to go tomorrow night to hang out cause hes gotta fix my phone and he said we can go to starbucks or something like that. I dunno if his mosm gonna make him come home or not though, usually he doesnt have to but obviously stuffs weird right now so i dunno. And yeah he went to his doctor today and he said its not to bad hes done it before but hes gotta use crutches and a knee brace for a while but no surgery on it. I think it kinda messed up this year for him though i dunnno if hell get to play like he wants to now for either team. He seemed upset about it but i dunno what to say. It seems like everytime i ask him questions he doesnt know how to answer them, but at the same tim ei feel like i put it on him. Its so weird now, i didnt ever keep anything from him before when we were friends and now i think about stuff too much and dont say it like i wouldve before. I mean were still friends, so its gotta be something in my head thats messing me up you knnnow? We always have something to tlak about but tuesday it was just so awkward for me. I did the right thing, but ti doesnt feel like it to me.

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hi, Rextx!

So, as you can probably guess, my laptop is again out of commission! I'm glad you had a relaxing Fourth of July! Mine was good too, thanks! I'm not sure how other Canadians celebrate. Sometimes we might talk about it at home; but this time it was a quiet remembrance and thankfulness on my part. I really love the US.

I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to answer you! Has anything new developed within the past few days? How are you feeling? One thing I want to state - though I know it's hard to accept, because I have trouble with this too - is that your friend and his mother fighting is not your fault. If your friend had these homosexual feelings and had told his mother about them, they would probably still be angry and fighting. You were caught up in the middle of something that they need to sort out in order to become healed and closer as a family. This is not your fault. I know you care for them deeply; but they need to get out their emotions in order to get through this. I think you are not to blame - like I said, if he told her about his orientation and you never came up or weren't even in the picture (for instance, you two didn't know each other), then it is still likely that there would still be conflict.

When you say your friend and mom got physical and he had to leave, what do you mean by that? I'm glad that you can stay out at your sister's and come home without problem - that's great! I think you are more independent than you realize! I'm so sorry that your parents seem to fight more openly now that your brother and sister are away. Sometimes couples just fight, no matter how long they've been together... Do you think something like you've described (one of them leaving) could happen? I know your sister does, but what do you think?

How did Tusday go? And I love Starbucks, as a random aside! [Smile] How is his injury? Will he need the crutches for a long time? I'm sorry - I hope he feels better soon! His mom still seems nice to you and civil - hold onto that. In time, she will probably be nicer. Again, if you've tried to explain yourself and she hasn't let you, then you've done all you can, and you'll have to let it be until she is willing to hear your side of the story.

I just want to further emphasize that this is not your fault, even though you feel responsible. They will sort this out somehow, and when they do, you will probably be more accepted there, too.

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rextx
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Oh thats no good sorry to hear that. What kinda computer do you have? :/ I know thats probably true and i know i shouldnt, ive been tryin not to think of it like that. I just dont like being in the middle of it its like being cornered by hungry tigers. He wouldnt tell me everything that happened and i dont think he really meant to let the start of it slip out but it just did when we were talking. All i know is that they were arguing with each other and he said that she said some mean things to him and she wouldnt stop and she got in his face with it and he pushed her. Not like meaning to really but just a reaction but he left anyway. Im kinda used to the fighting and its not that it doesnt bother me but its just like everytime they see each other or whatever it just starts up over stupid stuff. And then theres like 3 days a month that they get along and its fine but then somebody does something they said they wouldnto or somebody leaves and it starts all over. I do think my mom would leave my dad if she wasnt so prideful and she shouldnt even be. My dads not that great, and theyre miserable but she got a lotta backtalk from my grandparents when they got together and she doesnt want to hear it from them ho w her relationship failed. Tuesday was good my phone works better now and things werent so weird when we went out. He had to go home early though but it still was nice. I didnt know he got himmself in trouble to take me to my sisters so i wouldnt have to walk there. He jsut has the crutches for a couple of weeks until its comfy to walk on the b race without them but even then the brace should come off by september. His mom still doesnt want to talk to me but she hasnt said anything mean either even after tuesday. My friends happy though cause shes trying to stay out of the house, which is good for him but bad for them if that makes sense. He doesnt listen though. I mean thats what i do with my parents and he knows what kinad relationship we have so i wouldve thought hed be more worried about it but hes not. His mom has tomorrow off work and shes gone to the boats with some friends and wont be back until Thursday when she gets off work, so i get to stay over with him and not worry about anything. Were gonna go see spiderman late tonight, he likes that kinda thing. Hes happy though so i am, and he definitely wont have to go home early. [Smile] Thanks again and hope your computer stays fixed some time!

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Posts: 26 | From: Texas | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hi, Rextx!

I have a Windows computer... XP or Vista, I'm not sure. It still won't turn on as we speak... Lol. [Frown]

I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to respond! But I'm very happy to hear that you and your friend can hang out in town and that you seemed to have some space at his home to talk and relax without any interruption. How have those past few days gone?

I'm so sorry to hear about his fight with his mom. That sounds like it was a scary thing for him. I really get nervous when people get in my face, so perhaps that push was a defense machinism. I agree that time apart for your friend and his mom is both good and bad - have they had a chance to reconcile? I think it's completely normal for families and friends to yell at one another and have conflict; but too much distance and unresolved feelings or emotions might be unhealthy. But again, this is all from my own point of view. I also think that parents fight and though we seem to often see that side, there are other sides and feelings involved in a relationship. How long have your parents been together?

Maybe your friend not taking a cue from your family dynamics in relation to his is because he's either so used to things being that way with his mom that he doesn't even realize it's bad or he doesn't even think he should change it; or maybe because he doesn't realize what it's like at all. Maybe you can politely point out how similar your families are, and how you know that what he's doing will turn out a certain way. Did that make any sense? I'm sorry if it didn't!

I'm glad his crutches come off in a few weeks! I think he's really lucky to have a good friend like you in his life - you support him and want whatever he wants and values in your relationship. I think that's true selflessness. [Smile]

As a side note, I LOVED Spider-Man (not only because the male actor is hot! Lol)! What did you think of it? Where does your friend work?

I really hope you're feeling better; and that youre relaxing! I was so happy to read that you were happy at the end of your last post. Thank you! I hope it will turn on at some point! [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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I bet its vista, I had an old dell vista and it did the same exact thing all the time and i finally just gave up on it. Not positive that thats what you have or anything, but ive had problems like that before. Seriously though the fact that you help at all is great im grateful for it so dont worry. Im sure youre busier than i am anyway. [Smile] I dont think they really talked or anything after thursday, and i havent seen him since then cause his mom got back. I know his weekend wasnt good from the few times he texted but it didnt sound as bad as the last. Im sure my parents love each other in some kinda way but they just show it oddly. Theyve been together since my brother was born that i know of so thats at least 30 years, just never married. I know he knows its not right with them right now. We didnt talk in depth specifically about it before, but it obviously hurts his feelings. His mom is th eonly parent he remembers, and theyve always been close and now theyre not. He doesnt know what else to say to her to make things better but he wont just try either. Maybe if i did tell him though hed buck up and do it, because his mom is a really good mom and she doesnt deserve to get thought about the way my parents get thought about. Hes hoping he can go to his dr later this week and see if he can stop using the crutches and just use th ebrace cause he can walk without them but wants to make sure its ok before he goes full out. Well my friend really liked it, but he loves superhero movies. I liked it i just get lost easy [Smile] My friend works at a grocery store but he mainly stays out at the gas station booth. The last couple of days have been good. My sisters husband had to go to some big meeting out of state friday so my sister got herself sick going out. Mainly just stayed at her house and cleaned up her mess til she wanted me to go again. But tomorrows practice and my friend has been going and watching so i should be able to see him then. [Smile]

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copper86
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Hey!

I've kind of given up on my laptop at the moment. My brother is really nice and lets me use his, so I get to still write and watch some YouTube. [Smile] Lol, maybe your old computer and mine are relatives! [Wink]

I'm not sure if this is something you'd like to try, but it's quite obvious that you and your friend have a very supportive and open friendship. Maybe if you told him that he needs to truly try and work things out with his mom (and use your experiences as an example, if you want), he would realize that maybe that should be something he might want to try. It sounds like you and him both value his mom, and that she has played a valuable role in both your lives; so I think you have a right to say this - especially since your friend might suffer if his relationship with his mom isn't going as well as he'd like it to.

Yup, I'm sure your parents love one another on some level! Being together for at least 30 years is a huge milestone! I know that their relationship does affect you, especially since you live there and care for them; but they must sort any conflict (which is normal in any relationship, no matter how long the two people involved in it have known one another) out between themselves. Please try to not feel guilty or responsible for any of their fights - they will work them out in their own way.

What did the doctor say about your friend's crutches? I hope he gets to toss 'em aside soon! [Smile] Yes, Spider-Man was awesome! I lost myself in it, too! Did you have a favourite part? My dad loved the basketball scene, when Peter challenges Flash. I think I liked the parts where he has his skateboard and when he shows how much stronger he is without realizing it (like when he tried to brush his teeth!).

You're such a good brother to your sister - that's so sweet and nice! I hope she's feeling better. When you do good things like that, it really shows what kind of person you are. How did your friend's practice go? Did you guys get to hang out there?

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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Im sorry to hear that, i hope it gets fixed soon! Also im sorry it took a while to reply, its been crazy around here. We actually went out last thursday just to get out of town for a while with some of his friends and came back, it was pretty bad. They got in an all out war but when i stopped by work the next day he said it was ok and it seems like they worked something out. I kept telling him he needs to stop picking at her, and kinda talked to him about my family too. So far it seems good, not as tense anyways. I know my parents care for each other, i just dont think they should do some of the things they do especially my dad. But mom doesnt like talking about their fighting not even with my sister. Just not fun to be around all the time. My friend still has to wear his brace for a couple more weeks but he took off the crutches. Hes glad, they gave him bruises. Still cant work out or go to practice though, it makes him mad. :/ I liked the fight scene with lizard and the very end cause it looks like there will be a sequel. I wouldnt be surprised if he started a series like raimi did, but who knows. Well thanks, i try to be but i guess well just always be brother and sister. Shes fine though, she was just hungover. Last weeks practice was good, mostly hot, and i know it frustrates him cause he cant do anything. I dunno how tomorrow will go either. We did get to hang out [Smile] Things have been good, especially since last friday. We even got to go watch the new batman tonight and his mom offered to let me stay the night in the guest room. It was so good, and i dont like superhero movies that much! Dunno how much you like batman, but if i had to choose a favorite batman is pretty high up there. [Smile] I was just glad the movies were back up, we had a horrible storm on saturday and it knocked out power for us most of sunday, and then it did it again today. It was horrible, i was stuck at home miserable. :/ Hope your week goes well [Smile]

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copper86
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Hi, Rextx!

First off, I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you and your friend; and that he and his mother are doing a bit better. I'm so happy that you spoke to him about him and his family - you are a positive influence on him, and it looks like he is taking your advice to heart.

If you don't mind me asking, what does your dad do that you don't like? This is just me, but when I'm upset, I usually need to talk to someone about it. If it's too awkward or personal, I'll post here; but I'd often go to my close friends and disclose my problems to them. Does your mom or dad know anyone to whom they can disclose their feelings or problems? I also believe that when you talk about your problems, you get out a lot of hyped-up and distressed emotions out of your system; and I think that's really healthy. If your parents had an outlet, that might help. Have they ever thought about marriage counselling? There is no shame in doing couple's or marriage counselling... I think it's a very brave and responsible step for anyone to take, even if their marriages are solid. Everyone has an area they can improve on! [Smile]

That's great that your friend can leave the crutches! It must suck that he can't work out or do practices... But at least he gets to hang out with you and still attend practice! That must make him feel good!

The fight scenes with the lizard were really cool! I was so scared when he was in the sewer and trying to spin webs for his camera - I thought the lizard would catch him! I hope there's a sequel, and a series... I personally didn't like the second and thid Spider-Man movies. Venom was NOT that small!

I'm so sorry that you've beeb having some bad weather! Ironically, we've been having some thunderstorms and rain, so maybe it's the aftermath of what you've been having. I've seen some Batman before and loved it, so I would like to see the new Batman movie at some point! [Smile]

How are you doing today, and how is your friend? Thank you so much! My week was kind of weird but it got better, thank you for asking! I hope you have a great weekend! What do you have planned?

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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Hey sorry its been so long, how are you doing? I dunno about yall but its just 24 days til our school starts back. Its been a while since ive been around him but the texts i get i think theyre doing good still. He hasnt mentioned fighting with her at least. Honestly i dont feel comfortable around most of my family, thats just how its always been. Theres lots of things theyre open to talk about and then theres other stuff that noone else will ever know. I dunno if itd really benefit them but i do think they need to something with their marriage. Theyve been together so long but he still has affairs and she still runs off, and hell use her money and nothing to show for what he spent it on. Today im fine just really anxious and not sure why. You know that feeling right, like clenching your jaw and you cant breath straight and your heads bumping around? Ive been at my grandparents since last tuesday so im hoping i can get out of my house sometime before the weekend starts. Ive got a lot that i want to talk to my friend about, i think i really just want to be around someone i like for a little bit. Hope theres no more crazy storms up there, and that all is well. [Smile]

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copper86
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Hey! I've been okay thanks, how about you? Wow, school starts soon for you! In Canada, school usually starts around the same time as yours, if not a little later - around the first or second week of September, depending on if it's primary, secondary, or post-secondary education. Are you excited to start school? This will be the first time that you and your friend will be in the same school, right? How do you feel about that now that you're getting closer to that time?

I'm glad that things with your friend and his mother still seem to be going well. I think that sometimes, when people are in such close relationships, explosive fights can happen; but sometimes they simmer and get resolved in their own time (a day, a few weeks, etc.). It's like that with my mother and myself: we have random fights, sometimes over nothing, sometimes over something big, and then we make up within a few minutes or hours.

I know this is not my place to state this, but it sounds like, if a couple is having the kinds of things going on that you've mentioned above, counselling of some sort might be a good idea. I'm not saying that any couple out there is perfect - I think that's ludicrous, as everyone has individual things they need to work on, and so I think no couple is perfect and has no problems - but I am saying that maybe it would be a good idea for anyone going through those things as a couple to consider counselling. What do you think about that? I know I've kind of put this in my other post, too, but it might be something to think about. Can you talk about these types of things with you mom or dad, or both of them together? You can always politely say that you're worried about them, and want to know if they are okay. We can talk more about that if you like; but I don't want to keep on going with that if it is something you do not want to do - which is completely fine. [Smile] As I've said, your parents' issues are not your own and their relationship is not your responsibility; but if you feel at all unhappy or insecure about how they're doing, I think you have a right to tell them how you feel, since you live in the same house they do and have to witness or at least be aware of the things that go on there. What do you think about all that? I know I wrote a lot... Hopefully it made sense, and I apologize if it was offensive!

I think I know what you mean about being anxious. When I think about or when I'm texting my partner, my stomach gets almost queasy and my heartrate speeds up. I sometimes feel anxious during the day and not know why... I'm not sure what the cause of it is, but it could easily be any underlying stress you have about anything and everything. What were you thinking about during that day that you were experiencing this kind of anxiety? If any kinds of thoughts or feelings were prevalent during that day - in other words, you were thinking mostly about a certain situation(s) either before or during the time of feeling anxious - then maybe those could be the cause. Don't worry, you're not alone in feeling that way!

I hope you are doing well today, and that you have a good day! Are you excited for school to start? Now that I see the back to school commercials and sales, I kind of feel a bit bad (instead of my usual "oh no, school is starting soon!"), because for the first time ever, I'm not going back to school. [Frown] Lol. Do you like school supply shopping? I either love it or dislike it - it depends!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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Ive been ok its just been a long week and now im stuck here at home and things are still smoothing out. Im looking forward to school surprisingly. Not sure how good ill do, and i know we wont be in the same classes but im looking forward to being in the same school as my friends. I dunno how hes feeling about it though. Im really just scared ill get held back again, but i havent been in special ed since primary school. Im glad theyve gotten their stuff figured out, i hated seeing them so angry and upset. But as far as i can tell things are goin back to normal. I do agree, ive always thought my parents needed to do something if they stayed but i dont think its something they believe in really. I mean thats just how my family is, you take careo f your own problems and dont show people that side of you. Thats how that act and react anyway. I try not to say a whole lot about it cause it makes them mad, it doesnt matter which one i say it to i either get todl its not my business or to leave it alone. Its why i dont like being home, its always something from somebody and i cant deal with the stress. Nobodys mad at me or yelling at me but it stresses me out, and then thats when i aggrivate them. Its not offensive, youre right, i just dont know how to help them with it. Haha yeah i thought about it and talked it out with my friend for a bit and i think it was just from the week before dealing with my dad and grandmother. My dad doing stuff to mom again, thats why she left for my sisters, but i have to deal with it afterwards and with whoever she is. And my grandmother, shes a lot like my mom so we dont have the greatest relationship, and her and my grandfather are really conservative. They go to temple every day almost and their temples different from ours and i didnt bring a suit so i couldnt go with them, and then it just started loading on top of everything. Just a not so good couple of days but i at least got to talk to my friend, i just wont get to see him til saturday night maybe, it just depends. Until mom comes home really. But i am excited for school, im ready for summer to be over so i can get out of the house more even if it is at school. And my friend said that i dont go by a list anymore, you have to wait til the first day of school to find out what you need cause every teacher is different. Thats kinda different, but its a nice different. I like going to buy my supplies, my mom always takes me by herself. Shes better that way. Why arent you going back to school, are you done with college now? Thats so cool. [Smile] I hope you have osmething good planned for this semester since you dont have to go to school! [Smile]

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copper86
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I'm sorry it's been not a good week for you! Try your best, when things are going badly at home, to think about how happy you'll be at school with all your friends. It will happen soon!

High school is kind of different (at least in Canada) when it comes to students being held back. In Canada, let's say you take "Grade 9 Math" and that course counts as the math requirement for the entire grade. If I were to fail Grade 9 Math, but passed everything else, I would not be held back in every single subject - just math. So I'd take "Grade 9 Math" in Grade 10, and Grade 10 science, music, history, etc. Does your system work like that, or is it something different? Even if it is different, lots of high schools have tutoring programs and guidance counsellors who are there to help you. If it makes you feel any better, I've always needed extra help with math; and ended up passing - even by a scrape - every time. Heck, I passed stats in university, and I was probably the most surprised person ever to find that out! [Smile] Don't worry about anything like that. Just do your best, and that will always be good enough. [Smile]

I'm sorry to hear that you and your grandparents don't always get along; but that is also entirely normal. My grandma isn't as close with my brother and I as she used to be; so I know how you feel. It's okay if they don't believe in counselling; but I think "not showing people that side of you" is so common, especially in churches. It's like when someone says "how are you?" and even if you feel like complete crap, you still say "I'm good thanks, how are you?" We never want anyone to know that we have problems or that we're unhappy; but everyone has problems and has something in their life that they'd like to change, so holding up that front is just not always a necessary thing to do. No one is perfect, and I think that accepting that can be a good first step in admitting you need help. That goes for anyone, too! [Smile]

It sounds like you are kind of the mediator or the neutral party in your house. That must be really hard. My mom had similar role to yours - she was the middle child of four siblings and often kept the peace if one of her sisters had a fight with her parents. She always mediated, and I know from her experience that it is a VERY tough job. So I am very proud of you and happy for you for taking that responsibility. It's technically not yours to have since their relationship is not something you should feel responsible for; but I know what you mean about wanting things to be smoothed out and no one to be arguing. Even if the yelling and anger is not directed at you, it creates tension anyway and you feel nervous and uncomfortable. I'm so sorry that this is happening.

If you don't think your parents would want to accept counselling, what do you think about maybe seeing a school counsellor or a counsellor in general? I've really benefited from talking to the Chaplain at my university, and I really miss that contact I had with her. If you're concerned about cost, I think school counsellors or guidance counsellors should be free at high schools; and you can always confide in your friend or someone else you trust if that suits you better. And we're always here to listen, too!

I hope you get to see your friend soon! You said that you might see him tonight, right? Yay! I know what you mean - once school starts, you get to see all your friends, which is fun... Even if it is at school! I'm glad that you like shopping for school supplies! That also means that it'll be a sign that school is around the corner - so that'll make you feel happy, too, I'm sure! [Smile] That does sound like a "fun" different... Are you going to get a locker and stuff? My locker was always full of cat pictures and stuff! And toys and stuffed animals! Lol. [Smile]

I just graduated university in June, so I unfortunately won't be going back to school. It's sort of good and bad, though; and I will like the change for the most part. I've been looking for work off and on, and a few places told me that they'd be looking more avidly for employment once school starts and students go back, so I'm hoping to grab a job then! Thank you so much for asking!

I hope you're doing well today, and are not feeling as anxious (and I'm glad you got to talk with your friend and that you found out what had been causing your anxiety); and I hope that you get to see your friend soon!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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WesLuck
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-hugs for rextx-
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rextx
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Well from what i know of getting held back, you just get held back. But that was kindergarten for me, and so you dont ever leave the classroom. Maybe thats why? Anyway, my friends mom said itd be similar here to what you said, it all just depends on how many problems you have and your grade track. She thinks ill be fine as long as i keep up. Its ok, i didnt spend a lotta time with them when i was little so now were just not close. And im different and im just not one of her eyniklekh. I also wanna say that i think counseling is good and more people should use it to help. I do it, at least with friends or whatever, but either way talking helps and itd either help them work it out or realize its not working. I dont know how much i actually mediate in the house, it doesnt seem to help, but im all they have now. My brother and sister cant just drop whatever theyre doing to pull their stuff together but they can make me do it. I get it cause im the extra, but still. I thought about a counselor at school, but i really dont know how a real counselor works. Or what i can all say without getting in trouble or getting others in trouble, you know? Im sure i could because people divorce and fight and cheat on each other all the time without any legal problems, and as much as i hate being home i dont want to leave my parents. But no i havent gotten to see my friend yet, just talk a little on the phone. My moms still at my sisters so i cant even go see her right now either, though she says it shouldnt be long cause she misses him. She didnt show up at temple either, which is when i figured she would because she hates missing it. I still have my phone so i get to at least talk to my friend and keep up with him. Hes the opposite of me right now with school starting back up, says its jsut gonna be a different year. Its alwways a different year though, even for me going into high school and you coming out of college. [Smile] Im not going to worry about that just yet. And thanks wesluck [Smile]

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copper86
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Hi Rextx!

Don't worry about failing or not doing well - you sound very intelligent and I'm sure that if you study as you already do, you will do fine!

It sounds like your friend's mom is talking to you and supporting your start of high school - this is great! I know how much you care about her, so I'm very happy that this is happening.

I think that counseling is beneficial, too; and I also talk with my friends too. [Smile] I know I've asked you this before, but do your parents have any close relatives or friends to talk to? I know they like keeping their personal lives separate, but is there any relative or friend they trust enough to listen? Also, I think that you could very well be a mediator in the home and a buffer, especially since they rely on you and you are the one there; and not your brother or sister (as in, they can't drop everything to help, but you do - that is an enormous responsibility and also not very fair, in my opinion). What do you mean by you being different and the extra?

How old are you (you don't have to tell me if you don't want to!)? If you go to see a counselor of any kind, they are bound by law to keep your sessions confidential. I think the only thing is that if you are under a certain age and they think it is a danger for you to be in the home, they might contact someone to get you help. But you can always ask your counselor at school and see what their parameters are.

Sometimes, taking some space from one's problems or usual spaces could be beneficial for us to gain perspective. I'm sure your mother is fine and is taking some time for herself.

I'm glad that you get to talk to your friend! Can you only text him or talk with him when your mother isn't around? I'm a mixture of you and your friend when it comes to school: it's a different year and I'm not always excited, but then I get excited and nervous and ready to learn! Don't worry about anything - I'm sure you'll have fun in high school!

I hope you're doing well! [Smile] Who's your favourite super hero? Batman? Mine is Spider-Man!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

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rextx
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Well i hope so, i just dont get things easily. But my friends mom, shes the reason ive made it to high school because she helps me study when i need it and my friend cant. Im sure they both do, but the ones they talk to about their problems are usually the ones creating the problems or making it worse. My mom always goes to my sister or one of her girlfriends, but my dad doesnt have family around here. Hell leave some times to andgeorgia to see his brother but its mostly his friends. They arent good peoe though so its not really helpful. I dont like being in the middle of it though, even though its disrespectful to them. But i just dont like the fighting. I dont mean much by it i guess, its just how my family is. My dad wanted a boy and they got michael first. Mom wanted a girl and she got sofiya later. My mom was on the pill when she had me, so i was just the extra. And i am different from them, i dont look like my dad and im not like my siblings or family. And then just being gay and not thinking lime they do necessarily i know i am, but i cant change it. I dodnt know you could ask them what you arent allowed to say, i thought theyd be suspicious from that. Nothing bad ever happens buy rhey do fight, whcih is why i try not to hang around when they do it. But ill definitely ask when school starts and maybe thatll get rid of anxiety. Well its not just him its anywhere period when moms not home. I dunno why, but unless he runs off i cant leave unless hes taking me somewhere and i dont want to tdy and explain about my friend especially when he was mad. But mom came back really late last night but i dunno of shes staying or not. If she does then i told my friend id text him and we can go out. Its been a couple weeks so id be happy to go to the laundromat at this point [Smile] we will see. Hopefully my friend isnt upset, he hasnt been the same for the last couple of days at least whem talking to him.

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copper86
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Hi, Rextx!

I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you! How have you been?

Being the middle child, in my opinion, is not very easy. But being different from your siblings and looking different from your father is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, since you ARE different and unique, I think that's great; and it sets you apart from your siblings in a good way (for example, if my brother and I were both in a band, my parents might've had to split the attention unequally between us; or there might be competition between my brother and I).

Don't worry about high school! They might even have peer tutors there who can give you help in-class; and if you do your best and your teachers see that, then they will be impressed. Have you started school yet? I know it starts soon for you!

Yes, psychologists usually are not allowed to discuss your personal issues with others unless you're being threatened or if you're being a threat to someone else (a volunteer here on Scarleteen helped confirm that for me, too!). They would probably not be surprised by that type of question, as they might even be legally bound to tell you that in the first session (again, the volunteer from Scarleteen told me this).

I'm sorry that the people your parents talk to sometimes perpetuate the fighting or problems. I think that's pretty common. How are you feeling today? Do you think you could maybe get some space from your parents - maybe stay out longer after school, with their permission if need be - so you can have some time for yourself?

How's your friend doing? I hope you are doing okay - I've been thinking about you lately! [Smile]

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
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Hi Rextx,

I read your other thread, and just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. Is your arm any better? In high school, when someone broke their leg or had an injury, teachers and students made exceptions for them (i.e. Allowed their lateness to class, let them pass in the hall). You could speak to a guidance counsellor or teacher about accommodating you further. Do you know any students in your classes who can help you carry your books? How do you feel about school now? How are things with your friend? I hope you are feeling better, and know that you are valued! Take care!

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"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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