Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I have feelings for my best friend/bisexuality confusion (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   
Author Topic: I have feelings for my best friend/bisexuality confusion
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm going to apologize in advance for the length of this, but I want to make sure I have as many details as possible.

I'm 19, a female, and just finished my freshman year of college (without having my brain melt yay!). I've always considered myself straight and been attracted to guys, but have never been in a relationship. For a slight background, I've always been very accepting of others and their sexuality and supportive of any LGBTQ rights. I met a girl in college (I'll call her Megan) through my roommate and we became very close, very quickly. After a few months, Megan started to become quieter and more withdrawn (she's normally a quiet, listen-more-than-talk kind of person but this change was noticeable to us) and she told us that she had been in a relationship with a girl and her parents were not very accepting, though they are trying now (it's been over two years since she came out but she was forced to come out by her mother and betrayed what trust they had by making her friends follow her and essentially spying on her for those two years). I am the kind of person who wants to help people and I immediately became the person that Megan would go to when she wanted to talk because I was open and not judgmental in any way and I felt a strong friendship with her. We would spend hours talking and strengthening our trust in each other and I can truly say that she is my best friend.

For the past month or so I've been feeling more towards her. We've always been comfortable with each other and she'd come up to my dorm almost every night and we'd cuddle and talk and hug every time we see each other and hold each other. I never really thought of it being anything more but lately, I can't stop thinking about her. It's two and a half weeks into summer and we've seen each other four times (she lives about an hour away) and I miss her when she's gone and get anxious for when I can see her again. She's told me she feels the same way. We text each other daily for hours on end. She makes me feel confident and happy and comfortable and when I'm near her, I get butterflies in my stomach and my heart pounds, the same feeling I've ever gotten when I'm attracted to a guy. She is so strong and brave and beautiful and understands me like no one else. I want to be near her all the time and have had a strong desire to kiss her and hold her for a few weeks. We went on a camping trip a couple weeks ago and my mom commented later that I should "be careful not to confuse her" because the way we acted with each other could be seen as "more than friendship." I know that I have feelings for her.

I broke down and told her (in person by the way, not over text or anything) that I was attracted to her and was just feeling really confused and lost. She hugged me and told me it was okay, that she didn't really know what to say but that she hated seeing me lost and upset. I've been able to look at girls and think oh she's gorgeous but I've never had emotional or physical feelings towards any girl but Megan. This is honestly a lot for me to feel and try to deal with. She told me a couple hours after I told her my feelings (she had to leave so this was over text) that she had feelings for me too and had been wanting to kiss me for a while. I had no idea because she is really good at hiding her feelings and putting up walls when she doesn't want to let people in, but I was immediately happier to know that she felt something of the same way I did.

We made plans to go to a theme park (went two days ago) and before that, she asked me if it was okay that she kisses me. I told her yes and we talked about it for a while and she seemed really excited, as I was. I spent the night at her house and we shared a bed, cuddling the whole time, and I told her that she could kiss me if she wanted to (she said that she has never been the one to initiate in kissing and I've never been kissed before so I wanted her to know it was okay). She said that she wanted to, but her "mind wouldn't let her." I asked her what that meant and she said it was hard to explain. The only thing I could think of that would make her have those thoughts was her ex, Sarah. They were together before (I'm not sure how long) and Megan had known her as gay from when they met and she says their relationship was great when they were together. But Sarah broke up with her over Christmas break, saying that she was "straight as a ruler" and pretty much ignored everything to do with Megan after that. Sarah is now in a relationship with a guy. I know that it hurt Megan so much and I am worried that she thinks I'm going to do the same. I told her that and she said that I couldn't possibly hurt her like Sarah did because I "care [about her] enough to tell her that [I] like guys too." She knows that she's the only girl I've ever been romantically attracted to. I didn't want to make things uncomfortable so I told her if she wanted to talk, I'd be there and let it go. When she drove me home, I asked if I could hold her hand and she immediately let me. It felt comfortable, right, nice, to hold her hand. After she left, she sent me two texts apologizing about not kissing me. I told her it was fine and I didn't want her to kiss me until she wanted to. I don't want to lose our friendship because she means the world to me.

Though it may not seem like it, I guess this super long post is me wondering if I could be bisexual if I only like one girl. Every other crush I've had has been on guys, but none of them have felt like this. I do not want to hurt her, though I'm worried because every time I picture myself getting married or in the long run, it's always with a guy. I've read that bisexuals can be attracted to girls and guys in an uneven kind of percentage (like 30% and 70% for example, leaning towards guys). I guess I'm mainly worried about others. My family is mostly open and though I know it'll take time to get used to and accept, I would like to try a relationship with Megan. I'm worried about being labeled though and what it would mean for the future. Let's say I do form a relationship with Megan. I guarantee that I'm going to want to talk to my family and more or less say "hey, I'm bisexual, not a lesbian" because I know I would get 'labeled' as a lesbian because I was with a girl. This is hard because I'm the only person in my family that I know of who feels this way or who would be in a same sex relationship at all. And bisexuality is difficult because people talk about gay and straight but never that someone could be attracted to both. I guess I'm looking for some... support? advice? sympathy? someone to tell me it's okay to follow what I feel?

If you've read through this whole thing, I love you. I would give you a whole plate of cookies if I could. If anyone could offer any help, even just a few words, I would be extremely grateful. My head is swimming with so much and it's hard to step back and see what to do.

Jennifer

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Jennifer; it's okay to post long posts here - we all need to express ourselves.

The deal with this is; you don't have to be bisexual to like one girl. This isn't about girls, or how you you feel about guys. This is about how you feel about Megan. One person cannot represent an entire gender, even if we idenitify as hetrosexual, we can still like someone of the same gender. It never means that our feelings are any less real, any less valid, any less...there! [Smile] You know what you feel, right? It sounds to me like, right now, you have sexual/romantic feelings for Megan.

I hear that you don't want to end a romantic relationship with her if you did get involved in that way, but here's the deal; relationships do end. It's extremely rare for a relationship to last a lifetime; and when we're young, on average, relationships tend to last only a few months - if not weeks. So, Sarah ended her relationship with Megan because she didn't feel attracted to Megan's gender - but, say Sarah had been very attracted to Megan in terms of gender but not in terms of personality or politcs, or religion? Would that be different?

If you did form a romantic or sexual relationship with Megan, you wouldn't have to pick a label; some people never do, despite years of being attaracted to one gender. That said, there is a lot of biphobia in our culture, and we can talk about that if you like?

[ 06-07-2012, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Rei ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you so, so much for your reply. I'm kind of shaking right now because I feel... relieved, I guess to write all that out. I've never thought about that. I feel like I might be too wrapped up in trying to figure out who I am and causing more stress than what's needed....

I agree with what you said about biphobia. It's just something that's not really talked about and I know the "oh she likes guys and girls and don't care where she gets it from" thought and I think that might be what I'm worried about. I do not believe that for a second but there are those that do.

My dad is slightly homophobic, but more to the point of he knows there are guys that like guys (I really don't know his feelings on girls being with girls though) and doesn't like banish the thought that they exist, but he gets uncomfortable if he sees that kind of relationship. My parents have always said they'd support me in anything I do/want to do and I know they would want me to tell them if I had any problems or anything. My dad's homophobia has gotten better though and he's more accepting (he said so because of seeing me and how open I am to others). Which is good, especially because I really do want to tell them, but I'm not really sure how to approach that. I don't know if I should get things on a more open topic (as far as relationships or anything go) with Megan and then tell them, or if it would be better to tell them now or soon or what. And how would I even say it?

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm so sorry that you are feeling lost and confused. I understand that there is certainly a lot of biphobia in our culture - it's like, "either you're straight or not" and that is it. But I have bisexual friends - and the one with whom I am most close leans towards men in general - but I don't think sexuality is always black and white and that people shouldn't assume that everyone is always "one way or the other."

I think when telling your loved ones anything like this, it might help to try and put your emotions aside (though I know that's really hard) and maybe figure out what you want to say and prepare yourself in an objective way. For example, you can write down what you'd like to say to them (not verbatim, but maybe the gist of it); and then try and think about what they might say. I'm not saying that one can anticipate every question or answer someone has; but it might be helpful for you to try and think about what they might say, so you can formulate "draft" responses in your mind before you are in the moment and are maybe feeling nervous.

I sometimes attempt and do this when I want to text someone important. I try and think, "Well, if they say ____, I can simply try and say something like this." I'm not saying it's foolproof or perfect; but it sometimes does help ease my nerves if I need to talk to someone important. I get really emotional in the moment; so it helps for me to have some "back-up ideas" ready in case some of my scenarios pop up. If that doesn't make any sense, please disregard it!

I'm glad that your dad is coming around with his homophobia. People are often scared by things they do not understand - or things that confuse them - so since you are so open and nonjudgmental about this, perhaps he is seeing that and it is really helping him. Good for you! [Smile]

As far as telling your parents now or not, I'm not too sure. If you wait until things are more sorted with Megan, then you would have more of a concrete explanation to give them (for example, you would tell them that you have feelings for a girl that is a very close friend of yours; and she and you are entering a relationship). Or, if you tell them now, you would still be telling them that you have feelings for a close friend of yours; and that you and her are discussing what to do about your mutual feelings. It is entirely up to you on when to tell them. Maybe make a list of the pros and cons of telling them now or later on, once you and Megan have talked more about relationships. Good luck, and please take care!

[ 06-07-2012, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you. That's actually a really good strategy I hadn't thought of. I'll try and write down my thoughts and what my parents might say and see if that helps, if anything to get my own thoughts in a more coherent manner.

This is honestly kind of amazing. I just didn't think I'd get this much support. I feel so much better already just reading these replies.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm so pleased you feel better! [Smile]

Remember, we never have to come out (if coming out as anything is something you'd ideally like to do) at any point. Sexuality is something deeply personal and private, and we don't owe anybody anything to do with our sexual feelings - they're yours, and you can always choose to disclose them to anyone; or not, or only when we feel ready, even if that's years down the line.

I mean, relationships are relationships - whether we have them with friends, family, pets, co-workers or romantic partners - and they already know you and Megan have a realtionship, a close relationship. Sharing your sexual or romantic feelings with them is up to you - as is if and when. [Smile]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also, this might help some: How to Come Out of the Closet without Tripping over you Laundry.

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you. That was quite helpful to read.
Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I usually wouldn't update anything I post anywhere (I'm bad about doing that) but I wanted to because you guys have been so amazing, I thought you deserved an update. And I think I just need to vent a little.

Two nights ago, while we were texting like we do every day, Megan randomly tells me "I'm a bad person." I had no clue what she meant so I asked her and she replies with "nothing. just forget about it." She is the kind of person where if you push her, she'll close off, so I just said ok and left it at that. She then texted me a bit later saying "I'm not one that someone should like." I was very confused and asked for clarification and she said she didn't want to talk about it so we stopped texting.

Yesterday, I texted her around 11am and she didn't respond for a while, finally telling me "hey I don't really feel like talking to anyone today." I was a bit hurt I guess, more so with the fact that I don't know what's going on and I really wanted to be there for her but I respected that and did as she asked and told her I'd be there if/when she wanted to talk about whatever. She did text me around 8pm and we exchanged a few texts and she told me that she figured out the reason why she couldn't get herself to kiss me. She said it was because she doesn't kiss people she isn't with. And I was stupid and caught up in the moment and asked her if that might be something she'd be willing to try. She told me "I had a rough day and I don't want to make that choice right now." I said it was okay and we stopped texting after that.

I feel like an idiot. I don't know what's going on and I really want to help her and understand but I feel like I made things worse and that it's my fault somehow and that was the last thing I wanted to do and I feel so bad. We tell each other everything and having her be upset and the fact that I have no clue why or what started it is really bothering me. I had to leave my phone in my room and make myself leave so I wouldn't text her when she obviously doesn't want to talk. I'm just going to wait for her to contact me if she wants to I guess. I don't know what else to do.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for the update; it sounds like Megan is going through what you did - not being sure if changing the relationship to a romantic one is a good idea. So, it's probably best to give her space as you are doing. I'm not seeing that you've done anything harmful here; you've communicated your feelings very clearly and that's a huge part of helping relationships run smoothly. It seems you've done all you can possibly do to keep everything clear and let let know how you feel and what you want.

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
As for Megan feeling upset right now, it sounds like that's more of an issue of her relationship with herself. I know it's tough to see someone you love go through a tough time with their self esteem, but really, it sounds like you been a fantastic friend - as listening to and respecting their boundaries (like not wanting to talk right now) is super important, as important (if not more important) as being there to support someone emotionally.

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you so much. It is hard to see her go through this and it might be easier if I just knew exactly what it was, whether it's anxiety about moving our relationship further or something else or a mixture of those, but you're right that it's more important to give her space and I'll continue to do that until she feels like talking to me.
Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I can understand how hard it is to see someone you care about go through something that is hard for them. My brother often goes through issues that he decides not to discuss with me; but I still worry about him and have to give him his space, just like you are doing with Megan. That is a very healthy and respectful thing to do. There have been times where I have said to friends, "I don't want to talk about it right now;" and they would text me twenty minutes later, asking to rehash it all out again. So, I truly think what you are doing is appreciated by Megan. You are respecting her feelings and are giving her the space and time she needs to think and process everything.

Please keep us informed on what is going on!

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I remember times when I just didn't want to talk about anything or to anyone and now I realize how my friends must have felt. But I've been keeping busy to keep my mind off it (Just Dance 2 and 3 do wonders haha). No word from her yet as of yet, but we are both 'night people' and I'm guessing if she decides to talk to me today, it'll be at night.

I've been doing some more thinking about what I would tell my parents (I do think I am going to tell them, once I understand what Megan wants to do/is okay with me telling them). I won't do so no matter what until after my mom is done with her class (she's a teacher) and after graduation for my cousins/grad parties/etc. Here's just a random thought mess I guess of what I was thinking (let's pretend that Megan and I have decided to enter a relationship for the sake of my question):
I'm going to tell them that I have strong feelings for Megan, as she does for me, and we are going to be together (I know it's going to take time to process so I'll try to answer any questions I can, etc).

I'm just wondering really how to explain this. As of now, I do not think I am bisexual because I do not have/haven't had romantic feelings towards any girl. Would it be... I don't know... legitimate to tell them that I am straight (because I know they'll ask/want an answer to my sexuality), but have feelings for and am going to be with Megan? I just don't really know how to say that without it sounding...ugh I don't know. And I'm sure they're going to have other questions. Is there anywhere else I can direct them, maybe in terms of websites or something (I'll probably even pull up a few helpful tabs from this site), where they can...digest this information a bit? I just don't think that they will quite understand my feelings and I'm going to do my best to explain it to them but I think being able to look over things without me in the room is going to be a lot easier on me and them.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Update: I didn't talk to Megan yesterday but she did text me around 4 and said that she'd been doing some thinking. She told me that she didn't want a relationship right now and knowing that we're supposed to be roommates next year (along with another one of our friends) makes things difficult and that she likes being just friends.

That was a bit hard to hear. I know it was kind of a long shot if she'd want our relationship to go further but I guess I just let myself get too caught up in the excitement of knowing she liked me back and that this could go somewhere. It hurts now, but if she doesn't want a relationship, I understand.

I told her that I would like the chance to be with her if she ever wanted to, but that I understood if she doesn't and that I love being her friend too. She replied that maybe given more time together as friends we can see where it goes, but for now, she doesn't want anything more than being friends.

So that was kind of relieving, I suppose. She hasn't completely closed off the idea of 'us' but it's just hard because I feel so much for her and I want to be with her and be close to her so badly and that's selfish, but it's just what I feel. I'm going to respect what she wants though and just keep being friends and like she said, we'll see where it goes later.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WesLuck
Activist
Member # 56822

Icon 1 posted      Profile for WesLuck     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The idea of a gender binary is a socially constructed one. People are different from person to person, and sometimes there is one specific individual who you feel very strongly for that doesn't fit the usual mould.

Feelings aren't selfish, they just are. It's what we do with them that counts. And I think you've been very caring and considerate this whole time, and it's clear that Megan has some self-esteem stuff she needs to deal with. Plus, even though it sounds silly, we can like someone of a certain "group" and still have ingrained phobia against it - because it is possible for things we hear or experience a lot to go below our conscious level. She may be feeling this more than you are.

Anyway, -hugs for you-, and I think you are so caring and thoughtful that the person (or people [Wink] ) you find that you click with and who can reciprocate will be very special too. It may be Megan, it may not. Sometimes you meet people who are not ready emotionally. Sometimes that changes, sometimes it doesn't. That's the way it goes. But you have some fantastic strengths, and keep on using your heart and your head in the way you are and I think you'll have a fantastic journey of life - I wish you all the best on your exciting, wonderful and empathetic journey! [Smile]

[ 06-10-2012, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you so much. That's always been something that's hard for me. I care SO much about people I'm close to (and there aren't many to be honest) that I hurt when they hurt, I'm happy when they are and upset when they are. I can usually read emotions very well, but because Megan and I aren't together much now, it's really hard to tell exactly what she's feeling (she's the type of person who doesn't text much information, usually just 'good' or 'ok') and that's throwing me off. I don't like not knowing and I felt so much for her so quickly that my system is kind of just...blah right now cause I was so excited to hear from her, see her, be near her, and now it's like everything has just been thrown off kilter and I don't know what to feel. I need a hug and Megan would be the person I would text that to but I don't want to annoy her. She usually texts right back (we've sent over 200 a day before no problem) and for the last couple of days she's been texting back hours later if at all. I'm not texting her anymore because it's clear she wants space but I'm finding it hard to...adjust I guess to not having that constant communication. To top it off, since we got home for summer, she's started smoking weed. She says she doesn't do it often, but I know she's done so at least twice in the past week. She told me it relaxes her and that she "really needed it." I feel awful because I know it's my fault. That I was making her think so much about this and she got to the point where she needed that to feel like she could handle it. I'm not her mother and I can't stop her and if I try to talk to her, she's going to close off. I've told her before that I don't really agree with it and she tells me "just let it be" and then says she has to go. But I'm worried and I hate feeling like this.

I'm sorry to keep dumping these on you guys but it just seems like things are getting worse and this is the only place I can go to talk about it.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WesLuck
Activist
Member # 56822

Icon 1 posted      Profile for WesLuck     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry to hear that things have been this difficult for you. Know that it is not your fault if someone else drug-takes when you were being caring and considerate of her and her feelings. If someone doesn't handle it well when you respect their boundaries it is not your fault, even though it feels bad because you care about them a lot.

However, now is the time to take care of yourself. The only person you have the ability to control to a large extent is yourself. [Smile] Do something you enjoy, whether gardening, knitting, listening to your favourite radio station, or enjoying your favourite meal. You matter too, okay? While you can be empathetic, you deserve to have good things happen in your life too! And you are a very unique person as well. That is something to be celebrated. [Smile]

Btw: you are not dumping on us. You are reaching out to people who care. And believe me, there are lots of people out there who care about people just as much as you do. And they would want you to feel that you matter too! [Smile]

-hugs for Balletismyobsession-

[ 06-10-2012, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you. So, so much. I can't even express how much that means to me.

I think I'm going to start back up with writing today and see if that helps.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WesLuck
Activist
Member # 56822

Icon 1 posted      Profile for WesLuck     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, keeping a journal can be very therapeutic. It helps you get things down on paper (or the computer screen) and become more "real". Sometimes thoughts can go around in your head, but when you write them down, you can handle them a lot better.

Sounds like you made a good choice of what to do for yourself! [Smile]

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I feel awful. Guys, I can't do this.

Megan texted me now (after we'd talked for a little bit) and told me that she'd had a hookup buddy at a party a couple of days ago. She said the girl's ex got drunk and she had to drive him home so nothing happened. I asked her if she wanted anything to and she replied with "why wouldn't I" and when I asked why she would tell me this, she said, "i always do this."

That hurt so badly. She couldn't "get herself to kiss me," even though she said she has feelings for me, because we're not together, yet she has no problem hooking up at a party? That hurt beyond anything so far, especially so soon after "I'm not looking for a relationship and just want to be friends."

I told "you didn't think that hearing it would hurt?" and she responded with "I don't think before I say things. It's one fault I have." And here's where I don't like texting because it's difficult to read. I said "well it hurts. you know how I feel about you and you can't get yourself to kiss me but you have no problem hooking up at a party? how am i supposed to feel about that?" I know it sounds snarky but I meant it to come off in a softer, hurt tone because that's what i felt when I was sending it.

She responds with "I'm good at hurting people who like me. I didn't do anything though. I'm not arguing with you about this. We aren't together and what I do is what I do." I told her that I wasn't mad and my other text sounded mean but I didn't mean for it to sound that way and that it hurt because I still have strong feelings for her. I didn't tell her that it made me automatically compare myself to nameless hookup girl, wondering what she was like that made her 'better' than me. I didn't tell her that it made me feel worthless, like I wasn't even worth enough for it to cross her mind that 'hey, telling the girl who has feelings for me and her first crush on a girl that I almost hooked up with another girl and do so at parties all the time just might sting a little.' This is the first time too where I've had feelings for someone and they've said that they have feelings for me too. But apparently it didn't mean anything because I feel like she just stepped all over me.

She responded with "well I get it hurt but you can't expect me not to do anything with other people." I said I was sorry and she told me she was going to go to bed. I haven't texted back and I'm not going to for a while.

I feel like an idiot. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I think about her all the time. It was so hard to give her space when all I wanted to do was text her but I waited for her to want to talk to me. And I was kind of getting to be okay with how things were and thinking we could be friends and see where it went from there. Now it just feels like my heart was torn out. Not only does it hurt because I like her but she's my best friend. I can't see how she could do this. I'm feeling so much and I'm crying and I feel stupid. Why can't I get over this? She wants nothing relationship-wise with me. Why can't I stop feeling like this? I feel like I ruined any future chance we might have together and I don't know where to go from here.

I feel like she doesn't even know how badly this is tearing me apart.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
toomanywords
Activist
Member # 76247

Icon 1 posted      Profile for toomanywords     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, you haven't ruined anything. None of this is your fault at all. From this thread you seem like a very sweet, genuine person.

It sounds possible that she is confused or upset by her feelings and is deliberately trying to push you away. I am getting quite a vibe of "stay away from me, I'm bad news" from what she's been saying to you in the texts you quote - does that sound like it might make sense?

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess it does but I just don't understand why she wants to push me away. It hurts so much.

Every 'relationship' i've had (meaning I like someone but they don't like me back), it's ended it heartbreak for me. Either because I'm too shy to tell them how I feel or I do get up the courage to tell them and I'm rejected. I've been self-conscious and doubting of myself my whole life and for me to tell someone I like them is a big deal for me. When I like someone, I fall hard and I've truly liked maybe four people in my life, including Megan. And I get rejected every time. I'm scared of rejection (she knows this) which is why I don't try and I thought things were going to be different with her. She knows that I've been hurt before, that I don't trust a lot of people and she knew how hard it was for me to even tell her how I felt. I need her so much more than she needs me. And after all this, I still dream about her holding me.

Why is it so hard for anyone to love me? I'm tired of being alone and getting hurt and I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I should have reworded that first part better. I know why she wants to push me away but what I don't understand is why she feels like she is 'bad news' and 'not one that someone should like.'
Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've been reading your posts over the past few days, and I want to tell you how sorry I am to read that you are unhappy and that you feel so upset about yourself.

I want to applaud you for what you have done so far.
- you respected Megan's boundaries by not texting her when she either stated or you got the feeling that she needed space
- you didn't pressure her for a relationship or a response via text
- when she is short with you via text (just saying words like "ok," for instance), you do not press her for giving any more details
- though she is doing some things that you find hurtful, you are not lashing back at her and turning this into an argument

What you've been doing takes a ton of courage; and for someone to do that, they truly have a loving and kind heart. I bet there are tons of people in your life who love you very much - and how can they not, based on how genuine you are in all your relationships? I am actually in the same boat you are: usually, I really like someone and fall hard for them, and they just end up rejecting me. But, in your lifetime, these things will happen. You will meet people whom you like, and they might not like you; or they may return your feelings. Or, maybe people will like you and you'll have to turn them down (sometimes, people like you and you never even know about it until after the fact or you just don't know about it at all). Please don't feel down on yourself about that; though I understand exactly how hard this road is.

Maybe, as other posters have said, Megan is pushing you away for some reason; maybe because she is having difficulty with her own feelings. Maybe she shares the same feelings for you, but is afraid to hurt you; hence "she is bad news" or she "is not one someone should like." I think I read in an earlier post that you had asked her what she had meant by that - did she ever tell you or elaborate? Because that, to me, sounds like she might be dealing with something like that (but I don't know her and am a neutral party only, so I obviously am only going off based on my own feelings about these posts).

In the meantime, I think what you are doing by not texting her and giving her space is good and healthy. It gives you both space and time to process things. Do what it is you need to do to feel better. What do you like to do? Watch your favourite movies, treat yourself to your favourite foods every now and then, and surround yourself with people who love you. Try to distance yourself from what you are feeling in the respect that you are giving yourself some time to breathe and to recuperate. Any kind of relationship can be taxing in its own way - we think about them, engage in them, talk about them, and sometimes overanalyze them in our minds until they don't even feel real anymore - so I think that some healthy time away from overthinking things will help you gain perspective.

Lastly, I am upset to see that Megan is treating you this way. It feels like she is not treating you the way you would treat her. But, she is your best friend; and I think she does care for you, so perhaps giving her some time will enable her to come around. I really hope you are feeling better... I wish I knew what to say to cheer you up or to make you feel better.

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
She never did respond to that when I asked her to elaborate. It was "just forget about it" and that was it. I guess that could be a possibility that she just doesn't want to hurt me but I'm afraid of letting myself feel that because I don't want to get let down again.

Today was hard. She texted me once saying "dude I've gotten high every day this week." In my mind I was like what do you expect me to say to that? Good job? And I knew if I tried to tell her it was bad, she would close off so I just told her I didn't feel like talking. She said okay and hasn't texted me since. I just feel like I'm in a blur right now. This day is taking so long to be over and I've been sleeping a lot because then I don't have to think about anything. I told one of my other friends a bit about how I've been feeling down and she gave me the number of a good counselor she's been seeing. I may look into that. It's probably going to be expensive (but I can check with my insurance and see if anything will be covered) because that's the only option I see right now that might help. I tried to watch a funny movie I normally enjoy and I just ended up zoning out and falling asleep again. I'm going to try writing again tonight (I write fanfiction stories so it's fun to 'be' in another world with other people while I write) and see if that helps.

Yes, I definitely wouldn't treat her this way and it hurts that she's treating me like this without even considering my feelings. Well, that's what it seems like. I know she cares about me but it just doesn't seem like it at the moment. Maybe a couple of days to clear our minds will help.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
double post

[ 06-11-2012, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: Balletismyobsession ]

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sorry she was so brief with you when you had asked her what she had meant by her not being "someone one should like". Maybe she will explain that to you in time; but you were still right not to press her for any further details. Coming from someone who had been pressed for details about stuff I wasn't sure if I wanted to discuss or not (and regretted saying later), I think you've done the right thing.

I'm so sorry that yesterday was hard for you. Those kinds of texts actually annoy me, as well. I never know how to respond to them. Saying, "Oh" doesn't seem like a very intelligent response; but that's what I sometimes think I should say, because really, how do they think we can react to those kinds of texts? Good for you for saying that you did not want to talk... You were shielding both yourself and Megan from any kind of ensuing argument about getting high or any other kind of argument that could've arisen from that vague message. Texting is actually a really tough thing to do. Someone once told me that conversation is 90-95% physical (tone, body language, gestures, eye contact) and 5-10% verbal (as in, the words you choose to say). So, when you're only stuck with the 5% (I think it was 5%, now that I think about it) via text, with no body language, eye contact, or physical clarification for help, communication can become easily misinterpreted. Good for you for just avoiding that entire issue and giving you both some time and space!

I think that seeing a counsellor might help, no matter what anyone's situation is. Even if someone is perfectly happy, it always helps to have someone to confide in; someone who can be a neutral party and to just comment on things from an objective and distanced vantage point. Are you in college at the moment? There are often counselling services on-campus and if you have a student health insurance plan, that might help you (I'm obviously not sure about that, since I only know there was counselling at my own university, but I never knew how the payment was handled).

Writing is a very freeing and relaxing experience. I know exactly what you mean about how fun it is to "be" in another world - that is exactly how I feel when I write fanfiction or any other kind of story; and sometimes that is my main reason for jumping into writing. I can understand that sleeping helps relieve you of your stress and thoughts; but you could also try some other ideas, like swimming, walking, or running. I sometimes walk when I'm stressed; and it almost always helps - or it at least gets me active so I can try and feel better physically (I don't like crying in public, so if I'm walking, it'll be hard for me to cry).

I can really empathize with you over treating someone so nicely; yet they sometimes do not treat you in the same way. It is a very difficult thing to handle. Sometimes, I think that people's own feelings just take up so much stress, worry, and overall space in their mind that they don't always register that what they say can be hurtful. I'm not saying that they don't think, "Oh, I could be hurting this person;" but maybe those thoughts only occur to them when they're not as stressed. Or maybe they don't even realize that they are hurting that person's feelings. My brother is notorious for randomly hurting my feelings and never knowing he did until I either cry or yell at him - and then he is stunned. Do you think you could be honest with her and tell her that she hurt your feelings by how she's been treating you? It might be a difficult thing to say; but maybe it would help her to realize that she is hurting you. You could always make a list of the benefits and consequences of telling her how you feel. Writing about it by yourself might help, though; so I'm certainly not saying that you have to be honest with her about this.

I hope you are feeling better today; and please let us know how you're doing when you have the chance! [Smile]

[ 06-12-2012, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I got to go shopping with my mom today and that helped get my mind off it.

I completely understand. I pick up so easily on body language that a conversation over text is always a lot harder because I'm not good at knowing if they're being sarcastic or what their mood is. "good" can mean so many things, especially coming from Megan.

I texted her last night and the first thing she asked me is if I was okay. I was truthful and told her that the day sucked but it was getting better. She asked why and I told her it was because I just kept thinking. She told me I need to learn to not think so much, which I know I do but it's really hard for me. I'm an analytical thinker and I overthink things all the time.She asked if I could do that (not think so much) and I said I was going to have to because it's not fair for either of us when my mind keeps wondering all these things that I can't change. She replied that I was hurting myself more than anything, which I guess is true.

We started talking about more 'normal' stuff and then she randomly sent "you know what makes me awesome? I can't take advantage of people." I asked her what she meant (I knew what she meant but I just wanted her to say it) and she said "like at the party so many people do that. I could've but I have a heart." It took so much self-control to not send something along the lines of "so you have a heart when it comes to other people but you have no problem breaking mine?" That felt better just to write it out.

I would like to tell her that she's hurting me but I really think I've made my point clear to her that I'm hurt. She knows it but I just don't think she realizes how hurt I actually am. That's a conversation (if I have it) that I'd want to do in person and I don't know when I'm going to get to see her next. Probably not until next week at the earliest. I just don't want to rehash old things you know? I may not even bring it up unless she says something hurtful again. I think that's just how she is. She says things without thinking and just because I usually analyze "how would this affect the person who's reading it," I can't expect her to do that too.

I'm hanging out with my cousin tonight so I'm looking forward to that.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
When we find out that someone we want a certain kind of relationship with doesn't want that with us, it hurts a whole lot. This is a huge deal, what you're going through with Megan right now.

Framing ways of thinking as 'analysing' and 'over-thinking' can be very emotionally loaded. It's a good thing to think, and work through our feelings step by step in our minds - and talk them out. It's how we process hurt; we go on journeys with it - through the fustration, the sadness, the worry; chew it over, ride it through its ups and downs. I'm not saying you aren't a deep thinker; it sounds like you very much are. However, when people frame deep thinking about our feelings as 'over'-thinking or 'analysing', it can discourage people from doing the thinking they need to do in order to process their hurt. When processing hurt, being a deep thinker is a very helpful thing rather than a harmful one. Does that make sense?

As you know, you can't ask Megan to stop smoking marijauna or being sexual or romantic with others, as we all have to make our own choices. What you can do, though, is set a boundary with her about telling you these things. If you haven't already, you can make it clear to Megan that her marijauna use is something that makes you feel very worried when she tells you about it, and that you need her to stop telling you about it. Similarly, Megan telling you about being sexual or romantic with others - or wanting to be - is something that hurts you very much right now, understandably. So, it's time to set a boundary with her about telling you her sexual or romantic feelings for others. It doesn't matter if telling you these things is what she's 'always' done - you have romantic feelings for her now, so, understandably, you become hurt upon hearing about it.

Do you think you can set those two boundaries with Megan?

[ 06-13-2012, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: Rei ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, I can do that. It's been better. We've been texting like we normally do and she hasn't brought up any of that as of yet. I still feel strongly for her, but I'm just going to focus on our friendship and I guess let my feelings slide to the back of my mind. I think that'll be what's best for both of us for now.

Thank you everyone. I don't want to think about where I'd be without all your help and support.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WesLuck
Activist
Member # 56822

Icon 1 posted      Profile for WesLuck     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That's what makes Scarleteen so great - it has one of the most supportive, caring and friendly communities on the 'net - staff, volunteers and site visitors alike (alike in their friendliness, but not alike in their unique personalities). [Wink] [Smile]

[ 06-18-2012, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess this is an update of sorts (I hope this gets read...)

I was "outed" a few of weeks ago and I've been having a really hard time. Megan stayed the night and we ended up making out (I know that was a bad idea but it happened) and I gave and received a sizable hickey. She left to go home in the morning and I covered what I could of my mark and tried to lay my hair over it (it was right on the front/side of my neck that couldn't be well hidden at all) and my mom saw it. She asked who gave it to me and I just whispered that it was Megan because lying would make things worse. But I kind of wish now that I had lied or that she hadn't seen it or we hadn't gotten so carried away or.... so many things.

Very long story short (I ended up leaving and staying with varying friends for a few days after this fight), they are both completely against it. In a three hour 'talk' with them telling me that it's not who I am and that this would tear the family apart, etc, they're denying I have these feelings and that I'm clinging onto Megan because I'm feeling low and she's paying attention to me. I know that's not true but they don't believe that it could be actual feelings. In a later fight (I use that word loosely because they did all the talking and I just sat there and took it because nothing I say would do anything except make them more upset), they said that Megan is not allowed over here anymore and I would have to change dorms (I'm supposed to stay with her and another friend next year at college) and they would be ashamed and embarrassed of me if I were to be in a relationship with her.

I was so upset I didn't say much and now it's just kind of fizzled out to an air of 'don't bring it up and let's all pretend everything is fine.' They are actually letting me stay in my dorm with Megan and our other friend on the basis that I don't ever seek a relationship with her. I probably got myself into a deeper hole but I agreed because at that point I just wanted to be able to stay with my friends so badly that I said I wouldn't. But I still want her as more than a friend. So badly. Her parents want us to stop for the sake of my parents and my parents are not budging whatsoever (and I'm scared if I bring it up again, it'll go back to what it was before or they'll not let me go back to my college which they considered doing). My mom said she would never accept it and that she'll always love me but she'll be ashamed of me if I'm with Megan. I've been forbidden to tell anyone in the family (I actually already talked to one of my cousins who has been amazing and so supportive and doesn't agree with what my parents are doing).

I'm pretending I'm fine because I don't want to upset the balance now but I'm just so... lost. I've never been in love but I know this is the closest I've ever been and it's because of Megan and what I feel for her. Honestly there's nothing that can stop us once we get back to college (I go to college out of state) but I'm worried about what if we do want a relationship? I couldn't tell my parents because I told them I was trying to get over her. But I can't get over her. I don't want to. And she said that she wants this to work too and the only reason she's not with me is because of my parents and how they reacted and it's too close to home with what happened to her. And what if I get these feelings for another girl? What would happen then? I don't know... maybe I'll find a guy next semester who I fall for and all this is left behind and my parents can keep believing it was a phase but right now and all I can see and all I want is Megan.

I'm sorry if this was confusing or anything... It's been around three weeks and I'm still numb I guess.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WesLuck
Activist
Member # 56822

Icon 1 posted      Profile for WesLuck     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This is emotional extortion (I say extortion rather than blackmail because you've done nothing wrong). Part of what every parent signs up for when becoming a parent is accepting that their children are individuals and that they are NOT the same as them. It is very unfair for them to be doing and saying the things they have, and I don't feel that you are bound what they made you say or agree to under duress.

Love is accepting the unique individual. So saying that she'll always love you but she'll be ashamed of you if you're with Megan is an oxymoron (self-contradictory statement). If your parents DID truly love you at this point in time they would not be trying to shame you. This is really about them and their issues, not you, but unfortunately people can sometimes dump their insecurities on others and generally it is the person who is dumped on that suffers the most in these cases.

FACT it is not your fault. FACT your parents are not being fair or reasonable to you at all and in this case, are not holding up the responsibility they took on when they became parents. FACT you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. Shame is generally what people in positions of power try to inflict on people who are not. FACT you did nothing illegal, nothing wrong, and any things you felt forced to say were said under duress and so don't count when you are away from an environment that your parents control.

I know that all was a bit of tough language, but I wanted to make sure that you knew that this is about your parents' issues rather than yours, but they are choosing to shirk their responsibilities and play the blame card and the "you'll be letting us all down" card, both of which often go together, and both which are unfair, manipulative, and based on them and their biases.

I feel for you and I know that you are going through a tough time. I'm sure other Scarleteen members will be along soon to give you some more support. But I wish you all the best and lots of hugs!

-lots of hugs for Balletismyobsession- [Smile]

[ 08-01-2012, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Balletismyobsession
Neophyte
Member # 95969

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Balletismyobsession     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you. I'm stil hurting and your kind words made me feel a bit better for now. I hope that they can accept it but I feel like now if I told them 6 months or a year or whatever from now that I still feel this way for Megan or any girl really if I ever feel this way again, theyl will say that I lied to them because I told them I would just be friends. This is so hard.... They were accepting of Megan and I thought I could trust them and they wouldn't make a big deal out of it when I decided to tell the but I was wrong. And it's harder I think because I wasn't ready to tell them and I was forced to...
Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3