Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » am i going to be ok with him being gay

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: am i going to be ok with him being gay
MyFirstEverything111810
Neophyte
Member # 96207

Icon 4 posted      Profile for MyFirstEverything111810     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i met a guy in 8th grade november 18 2010 but he was dateing my bestfriend... they broke up and we soon became bestfriends we did everything together we talk on the phone every night and all the time during the day and when we wake up... i dident find out he was gay until a month after i met him and i told him i am in love with him on july 11 or 2011 and he dident have a problem with it... the only thing is we talk all the time and he says things to me like i cant live without you and he loves me we got in a fight one day and i told him we were done but he said that i was was his white light in his dark world wich to me was really sweet and weave kissed and made out and other stuff.... i know im in love with him because the feeling i get with him its unexplainable but its a good feeling just thinking about him puts a smile on my face when we hold hands or hug i get butterflies in my stomach and my heart races its like an intese feeling an i wont go away even though hes gay... [Mad] he was my first love the first person i ever smoked weed with almost my first (first sex wise)... i know im really young but i just know im in love with him but i just dont know how to stop being in love with him i am currently a tenth grader and im 15 but i just wana get some advice because my friends dont understand what im going through i cant love or get feelings for anyone elese because of the fact im in love with him and he has all these girl friends and i get extremley jealous ..... i just want it all to stop! can somone please try to help me [Eek!]
Posts: 9 | From: silverspring md. | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi MyFirstEverything111810 and welcome to Scarleteen!

It sounds like this is really tough for you, and has been tough for a long time.

It's clear that this guy means a lot to you!

I'm going to summarize here, so if I get anything wrong, please tell me.

You and this guy have been friend for nearly two years. Pretty soon after you became friends you found out that he's gay, meaning for you that you won't be having a relationship with him. However, you're still in love with him.

I would venture to say that the degree of closeness, including the kissing and making out, between the two of you isn't helping you deal with your feelings for him in the most constructive way. As hard as it might be for you, that might be the first place to start--to let him know that you're having a really hard time dealing with your feelings for him and that the super-affectionate physical contact will need to stop for a while while until you can feel calmer and better about things. How does that sound?

Does he have a boyfriend, or has he had one in the past?

There is no require that you stop being in love wit him, or that you develop feelings for someone else. What it does sound like though is that this guy, and especially your feelings for him, have sort of taken over your life. I think it could be very helpful to you to start a new hobby or activity that is about you and what you like, not about this guy or your feelings for him.

Lastly, I want to check in with you about how you feel about him being gay. I hear you saying that this is the primary problem for you, yet him being gay is only one of the many reasons that he might not return your feelings of romantic love. Know what I mean?

We can talk about any of this, or anything else that comes up for you.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MyFirstEverything111810
Neophyte
Member # 96207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MyFirstEverything111810     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
dear, robin

for one i want to say thank you for talking to me about this its been really hard for me see i dont know but i can picture a future for us and its really hard knowing there wont be one... but yes hes had boyfriends in the past but he never lets me meet them or he never tells people about them and he has one now i think and the same he never even mentions them alot... hes always mad at me because he thinks my mom doesnt like him nd hes always just mad at me for it... and him being gay i guess idk why i am still in love with him umm he said something to me near my birthday like a month befor my birthday he told me "i love you mentally but not phisically" and he explained it he said theres no physical attraction but there is a mental attraction.... whats that supposed to mean i dont understand [Frown]

Posts: 9 | From: silverspring md. | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It sounds to me like what he probably meant was that he loves you as his friend, and has emotional feelings for you that are not sexual.

But you know, you could certainly talk to him to find out more about what he meant. It sounds like you two should talk about some of this regardless -- especially about setting some boundaries with things like any kind of sexual messing around, which obviously WOULD feel very confusing for you and make it tough to think of him as a friend, not a romantic or sexual prospect, so that's one thing you could put on your list to discuss.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MyFirstEverything111810
Neophyte
Member # 96207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MyFirstEverything111810     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ya i think we should talk but thats the thing most of the time all the sexual things that happen are his impulsive things ... and weve talked about this stuff before he knows i still love him and i tell him but what doesnt make sense is he dated my bestfriend in 7th and beginning of 8th grade and im tenth grade now but how can he establish that within 2 years and he doesnt even act gay not to sound stereotypical or anything theres always been something about him that just makes me not belive hes gay and i know i sound crazy but most of my friends when they first meet him think were dating or when we go out in public period and it all just doesnt make sense to me.
Posts: 9 | From: silverspring md. | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I don't think questioning how he identifies his orientation is sound, and more to the point, don't think it's useful to you at all, either. After all, if he doesn't have certain feelings for you or want a certain kind of relationship, the why doesn't really matter, you know?

Plus, all we need to know that someone's orientation is what it is is that that's how they want to identify. Our ideas, if we have them, of if their identity is authentic or not just don't matter, because all that does is how that person identifies and wants to.

If you've never talked about anything sexual you've both chosen to do, it's past time to do that. Ideally, to establish consent and make sure people are really okay with everything going on, we all always need to be doing that. And in this case, it's clear at least one of you really isn't okay: doing those things with him obviously -- and understandably -- leaves you feeling very confused, and makes it very hard for you to accept he doesn't have the kind of interest in you those things tend to demonstrate.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MyFirstEverything111810
Neophyte
Member # 96207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MyFirstEverything111810     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
but we do talk about sexual things...!?!
Posts: 9 | From: silverspring md. | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I responded that way, because you said this:

quote:
ya i think we should talk but thats the thing most of the time all the sexual things that happen are his impulsive things
And, unless I'm misunderstanding -- which is always possible -- that says to me that you are NOT talking, but that when those things happen, it's something he's initiating, and you're just going along with, without discussion about them and how you feel about them.

?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MyFirstEverything111810
Neophyte
Member # 96207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MyFirstEverything111810     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
well i dont question them i go along with them because thats what i want to happen .... not meaning to sound prvocative or anythng
Posts: 9 | From: silverspring md. | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Nodding...it's understandable that you would go along with them, since you're in love with him so would like those things to happen.

However, it seems pretty likely to me that being sexually involved with him in any way is causing you more pain than not, since you know that he isn't interested in being long-term sexual or romantic partners with you or anyone else of your gender.

So, while it's not something you want to do, and I understand that, if this being in love with you is causing you pain, which, from your first post it sounds like it is, then talking with him about changing the way you two relate physically would be a good place to start.

What I often say to people who don't want to end or change the sexual portion of a relationship (and that relationship could be a friendship), is that sex should ideally feel good before, during, and after--and that feeling good is an emotional thing as well as physical. Since you're feeling pain (from what I understand from what you've said, anyway) I'm thinking (and again, I could be wrong) that this sexual interaction is, in the long-run, feeding these painful feelings of not being able to be with him in the way you want or to have him feel things for you in the way you want.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MyFirstEverything111810
Neophyte
Member # 96207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MyFirstEverything111810     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
you may be right im not sure of the sexual part i dont know if that is what i want but i do know all i want in the long run is or was him.... i guess the thing im holding on too is he would always talk about our future together first it started out as little stuff or impossible stuff like wed be super heroes and we would grow old together and how we were going to get each others names tattoed on us and we were going to get pierceings together. the it moved on to we were going to go to collage together and get an apartment together and he would always get jealous like if i was hugging a boy or even talking and laughing with a boy he would pull me away from them and start talking about the boys badley he always has something to pull me back that leaves me wanting more and i just cant seme to find out what it is most of the time well sit on my couch and play a video game or well watch a scary movie and just cuddle on the couch or when he slepts over hel sleep in my bed and well sleep cuddle (if that makes any sense) idk maby i do need to just let him go its just hard thinking about what im going to miss
Posts: 9 | From: silverspring md. | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
copper86
Peer Ambassador
Member # 95710

Icon 1 posted      Profile for copper86     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
MyFirstEverything, I can identify with your situation very much; and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please give me a chance to share what happened to me, and see if it can be of assistance (or not, which is completely fine!).

At the start of my high school career, I became close friends with a guy who had just moved to town. For two years, I just considered him a friend; but the last two years of high school, I realized that I cared for him romantically. We did everything together - went to movies, dinner, prom - and he would get me presents and we would just be inseparable. I always thought then that there was more to our relationship; until I told him how I felt and he turned me down, giving me some strange reasonings and then that he cared for me as a sister. It took me a while to get through it; and when I did, I still felt bad but had moved on. One day, he texted me and told me he was gay. It threw me for a loop, because I had never seen it coming; but then those strange reasonings and him doing certain things made sense. That was a lot for me to handle, but now we're truly close friends and he's a very important part of my life.

I think I'm telling you all this because I know from experience that this kind of situation is extremely difficult to navigate. I felt so trapped and confused when he had rejected me (I didn't know he was gay then, but it was still the reason then, so I believe it still ties into your situation); and it was a circle of me being in constant dismay. We did a lot of hugging too, and that was tough on me. I know how much you want him around you and to have him hug you - and my friend got jealous of other guys around me, too - but I think that you must talk with him about consent and some barriers within your relationship; at least for a while, until you feel healed. You can tell him that the hugging, making out, and cuddling leaves you torn; and you don't think that kind of physical contact is wise for you at the moment. You can even leave the matter open by telling him that that boundary (like hugging, for example) can change in time, when you feel better; but for now, you feel too torn to let it continue.

I don't mean to put words in your mouth; nor do I mean to tell you what to do, so please do not take my post in that way. What do you think about what Heather and Robin suggested regarding having a talk with him?

I am thinking of you and truly hoping the best for you as you go through this point in your life. Please take care of yourself.

[ 08-01-2012, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: copper86 ]

--------------------
"I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can)

Posts: 692 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MyFirstEverything111810
Neophyte
Member # 96207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MyFirstEverything111810     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
dear, copper86

i appriciate you opening up to me and shareing your story see people keep telling me there are boundaries but idk i guess its the type of situation where you need to know him i guess il try to tell him stuff like that but hes the type of person who always wants to be in control we fought alot about that like literally wrestling fighting over how controlling he is i think i mainly put up my post because i thought i was alone i thought i would be the only one to fall for a gay guy but in all fairness i fell in love with him even though i new he was gay which i can see its partley my fault but hes never really turned me down i mean i never really told him how i felt untill like 3 4 months after i found out he was gay and ya i get the jealousy thing you have a bestfriend for so long that when you see them getting close to other people you want to interfear but idk maby im just delusional but i always had that instinct that theres more to the fried ship theres gata be the way he looks at me .......... maby i am just delusional but let me run something by you if thats ok?


........ we went to see think like a man it was me him and my other too girlfriends (he knew them but werent really close to them) and at the end of the movie i looked at him and he kissed me and i kinda pushed him away and he got up so fast it was actually kinda funny he ran down the stairs couldent even look me in the eye and couldent stop smileing or smirking what would your conclusion to that be?? or your opinion?

thanks for listen and sorry for my bad typeing

Posts: 9 | From: silverspring md. | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I really don't think this person is being fair on you, MyFirstEverything. He can't give you the kind of relationship you want, because he isn't physically attracted to you (as he's said) - and yet, he kisses you and then smiles when you push him away. Really, this isn't okay behaviour on his part. So, in my book it's time to tell him that this is painful and confusing to you and needs to stop (even though it feels exciting at the time for you - it feels painful and confusing later, do I have that right?) or take some space away from this person - either temperarily or permenently. What do you think?

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MyFirstEverything111810
Neophyte
Member # 96207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for MyFirstEverything111810     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i also have this question me and him wel be wrestling and hel get hard all of a sudden and he said i put pressure on it and thats why it was hard is it posssible for someone to get hard for just putting pressure on it
Posts: 9 | From: silverspring md. | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, he's quite right. Erections often happen completely at random - like when waking up in the morning - or they can happen as a kind of reflex reaction to excercise or any kind of touch or pressure, without sexual feelings being there.

[ 08-11-2012, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: Rei ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3