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Author Topic: (semi)straight
Ohana626
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So I was writing something a minute ago and this phrase came into my head: (semi)straight. And it suddenly felt very applicable to me, more so than bisexual.

Because here's the thing: I have considered myself straight for 17 years, and that's not something that just goes away, that mindset. I'm a supporter of LGBT rights, but still, I have been straight for like I said, 17 years. (I'm 18 now.)

But that changed when I fell head over heels for a girl my senior year of high school (I'm a freshman in college now). And during that time I exclusively liked girls. I mean, I still found guys attractive from time to time, but the only people that I "liked" during the past year have been girls, three to be exact, and one that I'm pretty sure I would have fallen completely in love with if she had been interest in me as well.

Now thinking about it, there could be psychological reasons for this (the guy I liked before the girls was gay, and seriously I had never liked anyone as much as I liked him), I wasn't really into guys as friends and felt emotionally closer to girls and then started confusing the emotional closeness and turning it into sexual attraction, etc...I don't know. All I know is that I liked this one girl a hell of a lot, and I still find myself missing her from time to time.

And as some of you I'm sure noticed with my barrage of bisexual posts here over the past half a year, I thought this made me bisexual. I liked guys, and now I liked girls, so the logical conclusion is that I'm bi. But I'm so used to thinking of myself as straight that calling myself bi feels weird. Saying I never really liked a girl feels weird too because that's a flat out lie; I really cared for the girl I fell for. I really liked her. So I'm not exactly straight either.

And here's the giant clincher of it all; I don't really find myself attracted to a lot of people. I know a lot of people who'll look at someone of the sex they're interested in and go "oh wow isn't he/she hot?" and even though I could see that that person is indeed good looking, I wouldn't find myself attracted to them. I don't like strangers, I guess is the simple way to put it. I need something that connects us to make me like them. And for me, it's all random. If I'm looking, I don't find anything. It's when I'm not trying to find someone that one comes along. So I guess it's a little bit of "it's the person, not the gender." For instance, I don't really find "guys" attractive, I find "Ricky" or "Vince" or "Will" attractive. Likewise, I don't find "girls" attractive, I find "Cindy" or "Kim" or "Jen" attractive. Does that make sense?

But this doesn't mean that I'm not physically attracted to them, the way "it's the person, not the gender" usually implies. When I like someone, I LIKE them. Everything about them. My sex drive skyrockets when I like someone. I'm so physically (as well as emotionally and mentally) attracted them I don't know what to do with myself.

So recently it's been like...I don't find guys attractive, or girls attractive, I find THAT PARTICULAR PERSON attractive. It just so happened that for a long time, that particular person was a guy. And recently it's been a girl. So I don't know what to call myself. I still live in the straight environment and think like a "straight" person. (Aka not understand why people get worked up over a gay joke, things like that. I'm not offended by it because I'm not immersed in the LGBT community.) I don't really think about "communities"; it's just if I like someone, I like them. That's it. Simple.

So this long winded post pretty much was for me to explain things to myself, as I have to do sometimes, and to see if you guys can think of a name for me, or something. I don't know. I apologize for this post's length and rambling quality. The main issue I was trying to get at is that I still feel straight even though I've been attracted to guys and girls. But it doesn't make sense to call myself straight when I've liked girls too. (I'm a little too logical with things, I like things to be properly called something, even if it's not a traditional label. I just like things to make sense.)

The end to my ramblings. I suppose I might consider myself (semi)straight for awhile and see who the next person I fall for is. If it's another girl, I might really consider keeping "bisexual" as a more accurate label.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, as a writer, and someone who has a lifelong love affair with language, why not make the word/term for you this one you have just come up with that feels so right?

We have the language we do because people invented it and kept building on it. So, there are always going to be new words and terms getting invented, and we certainly always have the option of coming up with our own, especially to describe ourselves.

It sounds like this one, for you, feels like a really good thing, something you feel really comfortable with. Why not go with it and see how you feel?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Hi Heather! That's a good idea, thanks [Smile] I think I'll use semi-straight and see if that feels as right as it did when I first thought of it. The only downside to making up new words (but believe me I agree that it's a lot of fun!) is that some explanation has to come with it sometimes if people inquire. (And although I'm not "out" or anything, if someone asks I don't really feel a need to hide much.)
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Heather
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Well, when it comes to sexual identities, my experience is that no matter what words you use to identify them, unless that word is "straight," period, you're going to have to deal with people asking you what a given term means. Alas.

I mean, you'd think even "I only date girls," would be clear enough, but even a statement like that winds up getting questioned a lot.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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Haha yes you're right about that. So really whatever we say needs some explanation at some point. I'm going to use this name for awhile and see if it sticks better than "bisexual". Thanks for listening Heather [Smile]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, no, it doesn't need explanation, because that's our choice, really.

But people may want it, to be sure. And then we get to decide what to share with them, if we share anything more. [Smile]

You know, for me -- while it's obviously different being someone who has been out in very public ways -- some of this is about the issue of choosing who we share information about our sexuality with, period. It makes sense to share it with people we're sexual with, or want to be, who we're dating, or may want to, and with close friends. But outside of that, really, that information often just has no real use, and then you wind up having to feel like you need to explain very personal things to a stranger, you know?

So, with stuff like this, finding words or language we like is part of the deal, but so is also figuring out whose business it really is in the first place, and how up we feel to having it be anyone's business.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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