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Author Topic: Bisexual?...maybe....
Ohana626
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Okay so I'm sure a few of you know my story, but to put it simply;

I've always considered myself straight and have been comfortable with that identity. But for the past year I've been interested in a girl. The way I feel about her is different from the way I like guys, it's not as...burning, if that makes sense. But it still feels like I like her. As for physically, I think she's beautiful, and the thought of doing sexual things with her is pleasing because I like her.

As for what I prefer sexually, based on my security in the past about being straight I thought I liked the male anatomy more. However, and I'm sure this applies to a lot of others, I'm not attracted to someone sexually unless I'm emotionally attracted to them somehow. So...with guys too, I'm not sexually attracted to a guy that I don't emotionally like to...

At the moment in my life, I think I should note, there are no guys that I find attractive as anything more than friends. And I'm not unhappy single, but I'm not sure if I'm putting thought into liking this girl because I'm lonely or because I really like her.

So in short, I'm pretty sure that my feelings for her are more than friendship. I've thought about what would happen if we were together, and I'm excited by that idea. (She's straight, so that'd never happen, but I want to figure this out about myself, so I'm putting that fact aside. I know I'd never be with her and I've accepted that.) So I don't know if this exactly will make sense, but the question I have for myself is...am I bisexual because I really am, or am I because I want to be?

(I'm sorry if none of that connected...it made sense in my head haha) thanks to anyone who can give me some insight. I know that most of you could say that ultimately it's how I feel, and that it's okay not to know right now, and that I don't have to label myself, but I'm the kind of person who likes knowing things for sure, especially things about myself, so I'd like to figure out my feelings. Thanks [Smile]

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Robin Lee
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I'm not sure if there's a difference between what you are and what you want to be. They may well be the same thing.

Think, for example, of someone you most definitely wouldn't find attractive. It's okay to not find someone attractive because of personality, body type, etc. So, if you know someone you most definitely don't find attractive, or can imagine what you wouldn't find attractive, now imagine that you've just decided that you're going to be attracted to that person anyway. Probably doesn't work, right?

I hear you saying that you find this girl attractive, interesting, emotionally desirable, sexually appealing. That really is enough. [Smile] It's not necessary for you to be attracted to all women and men in order to be bisexual, just as a straight person isn't interested in all members of the "opposite" sex.

Also, what makes you think this woman is straight? From the sounds of it, people around you probably think *you* are straight. Just food for thought. [Smile]

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Robin

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Ohana626
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Well sometimes I'm afraid that my feelings aren't really "relationship" wanting feelings with this girl because they're not as strong as the feelings I've had for guys have been. It is possible to like people in different degrees? I only ask because I've never experienced it until now haha.

And the reason I say this girl is straight is because of how she acts and talks. She's talked to me about her relationships and what she wants (currently she's more interested in a no strings attached kind of relationship so there's no pressure on either end) but whenever she talks about it, she uses "he" or "him." She did tell me about a time when she made out with a girl friend of hers, but they were on vacation and a little tipsy and the other girl's boyfriend wasn't around so they were just doing it for fun. It wasn't really a sexual thing for her.
So that's why I'd say she's straight. She's never indicated otherwise. Of course, that could not be proof, one of my friends who came out to me was a complete surprise because she doesn't come off like it at all, but still, I'm confidant that this girl is straight.

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Heather
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As we talked about in the past, I think you're still trying to find some kind of definitive feeling here you're not likely to at this point.

We really can't talk ourselves into having strong, sure feelings about something: we either have them or they don't, and around these issues, they also won't tend to be intellectual.

I think for now you need to just accept you're questioning, and that over time, you'll find out more and more, especially if and when you have these kinds of feelings for someone who shares them and IS available where you are then at least facing the option of exploring them with that person, whether or not you choose to.

It might help to remember that if we have the idea we can know all of who we are at any time of life...well, we can't. Because we are always growing and changing. The best we can ever know is who we have been, who we are right now and who we do or don't want to be in the future.

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Ohana626
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Thanks Heather, and yeah I know I can't really call myself anything definite right now. I keep trying to deny that because I wish I could...there's nothing wrong with questioning, it's just a frustrating state to be in haha.
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Heather
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I think we've talked about this in the past, but do you want to talk about why?

In other words, how about this: let's say you did now what your orientation was, as for sure as anyone ever really can (which is never 100%, ever): what do you think that would give you you don't have now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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I think we have actually, but thanks for letting me talk about it a little more.

The reason I don't want to be questioning is simply because I don't like not knowing things, especially things about myself. I want to know for sure, I want to have that assurance. Of course, seeing as what I'm going through now means that I can't really be sure, but I don't like the uncertainty. Knowing wouldn't really give me anything other than that certainty.

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Heather
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So, what do you think that certainty would give you? What do you think it would change positively for you right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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It wouldn't. I mean, this questioning doesn't make me unhappy, I just have a habit of thinking about it too much. I know that breaking that habit would be good haha, so that's something I should work on. I'm actually very happy where I am right now, with friends and school and myself. Certainty would give me just that, and the reason I want it is because I used to have that, so the questioning is throwing me off because I never thought I would be anything other than straight. Not being straight doesn't upset me, I just want to know haha. It's as simple as that, but I do think I need to accept that I can't know for sure right now.
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Heather
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Well, even when we do know what your orientation is, that still often tells us very little about how we feel about specific people. So, I think your sense of what kind of certainty this might give you might be a bit unrealistic, you know?

I mean, personally, I've known I was queer since I was a kid. But knowing who I can potentially be attracted to in only one way -- after all, gender is only one way I can be attracted to people -- and in a way that, even if I were, say, heterosexual, would narrow that pool down to billions of people, potentially, only offers me so much. And it also often doesn't tell me anything at all about how I feel about a specific person.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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I understand that, but I also thought that having a partner in a more than friends type of way should involve an attraction to the person physically. For instance, a heterosexual female could have a best girlfriend but have no interest in marrying her because, even though they love each other emotionally, they don't like each other sexually.
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Heather
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Well, marriage is a whole different thing entirely. And let's bear in mind that until VERY recently in history, marriage had nothing to do, at all, with romantic or sexual feelings.

So, I feel like pulling marriage into this is taking a really big curve, especially since not everyone is interested in getting married in the first place, nor shares the same motives in that if they are.

When we are talking about sexual orientation, what we are talking about is a possible attraction to people, based on gender, that is -- to whatever degree, since it's not always the same -- sexual and affectional. In other words, about sexuality as emotional feelings and physical feelings.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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I understand about the marriage thing, I only used it to try and describe those kinds of feelings. Sorry that didn't really work out right lol.

So okay, so it's not a big deal that i'm more sexually attracted to guys, but attracted to guys and girls the same amount? And that because I like this girl I'm sexually attracted to her, not the other way around?

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Heather
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We've talked about this with you already, but the idea that bisexual - people being attracted exactly the same ways to men and women, or to the same degree is just not sound. Sure, some people feel very 50/50 that way, but more people don't than do, which isn't surprising when we bear in mind that very few people were socialized around gender with the same ideas put forth to them about all genders.

I think I've given you this link before, but in case I haven't: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/im_bisexual_so_why_dont_i_feel_exactly_the_same_about_men_and_women

quote:
And that because I like this girl I'm sexually attracted to her, not the other way around?
I'm not sure what this means: clarify it for me?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ohana626
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When I say "And that because I like this girl I'm sexually attracted to her, not the other way around," I mean that I liked her, and then I was sexually attracted. I was not sexually attracted and then grew to like her....but actually, typing that out it makes sense...
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Robin Lee
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That's the way it works for a lot of relationships, no matter what the gender or orientation. Certainly there are times when we meet someone and have instant sexual sparks. But there are plenty of other times and situations where we meet someone, like them, enjoy being with them, and the sparks develop.

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Robin

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Ohana626
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That's good to know haha thanks. It seems like something simple to know, but usually the sexual attraction comes immediately after the emotional spark, but with this girl it...well, I used to think of it like a "girl crush" nothing real...and then the feelings grew stronger. So that's when I started thinking about it more.
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