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Author Topic: how do i tell my mum?
selina
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i did address this concern a bit in another rambly post of mine ages ago but now i really need some help. recently my mum is obsessed with me meeting 'some nice jewish/israeli boys' and she's passing my phone number to guys her friend knows. she desperatly wants me to be 'normal' and we fight about it first thing in the morning to last thing at night. i don't feel comfortable meeting men and i don't want to be with a man right now but i know she'll be very disappointed and disapproving if i tell her that. i've kept it a secret up until now but she is really forcing the issue and i think i will have to tell her. but i can't. there's never the right time and once i tell her, she won't shut up about it for the rest of her and my life. its something to be ashamed of for her and the community and tradition we were brought up in and i can't face telling her but she simply won't leave me alone anymore. i understand her point that i'm 23 and 'not normal' but i can't face her being disappointed in me if i tell her. i have no reason to tell her why i don't want to see these guys and if they call me i won't pick up the phone. i know i should try and see them but i just don't want to, i just want them to go away and leave me alone. any help on how to tell her? because i think very soon i will have to and no matter how i approach it, i'll still go wrong and then the atmosphere of the house will be bitter for a long time and it'll impact on everyone
Posts: 94 | From: london | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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It sounds to me (and correct me if I'm wrong) like the environment of the house is a bit sub-par right now anyway. As for being 'not normal', there's really no such things as normal. It sounds like your mother is involved in your life in a major way and in a way you don't want her to be. I'd say that, regardless of whether you tell her (we're talking about coming out here, right?, it'd be time to address her involvement in parts of your life you don't want her in. And there's no "should try" with these guys unless you don't want there to be. You don't need to date anyone you don't want to and if we're talking about people who aren't even in the group that you're most likely to be attracted to, it just completely unfair to yourself to expect yourself to try and date them.

As per telling her, you're right, there's never going to be one "right time", there never really is for anything.

I'm not totally familiar with your back story, but how do you feel about what I've said above?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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September
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In addition to what Moonlight has said, I've also got a question: do you still live at home, Selina? If so, I think it might be a good time to consider your options when it comes to moving out. That would cut down on the time spent fighting with your mother, and it may also make it easier for her to accept that you are living your own life and do not need or desire such a degree of involvement. Not to mention that it may make the coming-out process easier if you can walk away when things get too heated, and if you are not dependent on your mother for your living space.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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selina
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september, at the moment i have no money to move out. i work as a waitress and in a month and a half i will be doing another year of study which means even less money as i will switch from full time to part time.
moonlight, that is pretty much right. i love her and she's the only parent i have left and i know she wants the best for me but she's so pushy at the same time. i just can't try to like these guys when i feel like she's setting me up and i hate that

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eryn_smiles
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Selina, sorry to hear you're going through this with your mum [Frown] I struggle with similar family issues so am not sure if I can offer any useful advice. Only that if you don't want to date these guys, then please don't make yourself. There was a time when I met men set up through my parents and would "try and like them", even though I felt I was more interested in women. And you know what? In the end, I felt worse than ever as I was wasting their time, my time and getting their hopes up only to hurt them later. I felt a horrible guilt around it.

It sounds like you really love your mother and I hope you soon find a way to talk through this together. For me to keep talking to my parents, I needed alot of outside support, chocolate and hugs [Smile] Do you have friends you can talk to about this? Even heterosexual ones who may also be getting set up by parents? Have you considered joining any GLBT support groups? I think there are a good selection in London.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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selina
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i have a couple of friends i can talk to but they live in different countries so i can't talk to them regularly. i don't want to join a group because i consider it personal and i don't want to have to declare it to everyone. i just want everyone to leave me alone and stop trying to introduce me to guys. thats not what i want right now [Frown] but i can't find the the right time or the courage to tell her
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moonlight bouncing off water
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As per not being able to find the right time (and thus, I suppose, the courage) to tell her, no time is going to feel like the absolute perfect time, there will always be something that makes it imperfect. What you could do is wait until she brings up these guys she wants you to date. Whether you want to come out to her then, or if you just want to say something along the lines of "mum, I appreciate that you care about me, but it's my life and I'd really appreciate it if you stepped back and didn't give my number to guys/try to set me up with anyone." Is coming out what you want to do, or is it just telling your mother that you don't want to date these guys?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Djuna
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Hi Selina! I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult situation at home. It must really hurt to have your mother telling you you're not "normal", which just isn't true. There isn't any "normal". [Smile] And regardless of what your mother doesn't know, it's not okay for her to be setting you up with people against your wishes.

I just wanted to say, I don't know how you're picturing LGBT groups - I used to picture them as vaguely like Alcoholics Anonymous or something, where everyone sits in a circle and talks about their "problems". [Razz]

Anywho, I actually run an LGBTstraight group in London, and really as far as I know with many of these groups they're more about going and doing some activity (seeing a movie, say, or going to a queer nightclub) in a group of people who are very supportive of LGBT people and open to hearing about their experiences (and many/most of whom are LGBT themselves). But for example, we usually get everyone to introduce themselves at the start of our get togethers, and no one has to "out" themselves if they don't want to - the opportunity is there to talk about sexuality if a person wants to, but it's not a thing you have to do or even that most people do. Just something to think about, anyway. [Smile]

As for studying, what kind of study are you doing? Because I'm in the middle of sorting my funding and applications for an MA, maybe we can trade tips?

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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selina
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moonlight, she won't take no for an answer. i have to give her a reason for why i'm saying no. so i have no choice, i have to tell her. and she wants to meet up with me for lunch this week and i know she'll talk to me about it again like she did last time we were out. and i don't want to tell her in the middle of a restaurant for people to hear and then she'll make a scene.
my friend did point me to the jewish lgbt london group but i'm too nervous to approach them even though they could help, being from the same community. i know people are going to judge me for this and i don't want to make a deal out of it but i know some people are going to disapprove.
patrick, i'm going to study beauty therapy at the london college of beauty therapy in central london. i'm paying everything in full but i can just about afford it. i live in the suburbs so i commute. i'm looking for another job at the moment but its hard

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Here's the thing, there are always going to be people who you and disapprove no matter what you do. Heck, my mom once got chastised by an old lady for wearing purple because "purple is reserved for the old." For example, your mother disapproves of you not dating these guys, right? I know it's hard to deal with people judging you, but people are going to do it anyway, you may as well be yourself.

That being said, whether or not you come out is about whether you feel comfortable and safe doing so and sometimes it's a whole lot better to stay in the closet.

What do YOU want to do about this? When, if ever would your ideal time to come out be?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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selina
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i don't know when. i just know if i don't give her a good answer, she won't leave it be. and the best answer is to tell her. even though she'll disapprove of course
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well, then, perhaps you SHOULD tell her. Even if she disapproves at first, she's likely to get used to the idea with time. She may not, though. But at least she would know, if nothing else and you wouldn't have to deal with the stress of telling her.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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selina
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the situation hasn't arisen yet. we've not had any time together this week and she's not saying anything about it yet so i'll wait until she does
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Saffron Raymie
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Hi Selina; just wanted to check you were okay? How are things going with this now?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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