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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Don't know what's going on

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Author Topic: Don't know what's going on
Ohana626
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Member # 56775

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I've been "straight" for my entire life, and I was never concerned that I was anything otherwise. Throughout my life I've had a normal amount of crushes, and they were all on guys. And when I liked him, I mean I realllly did, as in physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually. I never considered I was anything else.

But when I started high school I became best friends with this girl. I noticed myself feeling this crazy attachment to her. I always wanted her around, hated when she had to leave after hanging out, and got irrationally jealous whenever she was talking to someone else. I don't know how much of this she knew, but she was close enough to me that I never had to worry that she'd ever do anything to hurt me, or ever leave me, but I still feared that she would. It was the first time I thought I might be having romantic feelings for her.

But during the end of my sophomore year (I'm a senior now) I made a new friend and he and I became best friends, absolute best friends (we still are today haha). I fell head over heels for him, but, typical as of late for me, he came out gay to me the beginning of my junior year, and for that entire year following I had to deal with getting over him. It's only recently that I am completely over him as a boyfriend. (I still think he's attractive, but I don't have that yearning that I used to have. He's just hot lol) During this time, I grew farther in that attachment to my old female best friend (and felt that attachment to my guy best friend) and no longer had the thought that I was attracted to her.

During my junior year, along with getting over my gay friend, I made a new girlfriend. We hung out in school and I got to know her pretty well. I started loving it when she was around. I thought she was beautiful and funny and so outgoing. She was the greatest in my mind, and so when senior year rolled around and we started hanging out even more I was thrilled. I think she's wonderful, and have started to feel the attachment to her that I did with the two other people I've mentioned, only slightly less so because her personality doesn't have her have "best friends" in the way I was with my other friends, so our friendship would never really hit that far, and I learned to be cool with that.

What I'm getting at is this is the second time I've had "feelings" for another girl. But the thing is that they're not "sexual". Physically, I think she's beautiful. And as for emotionally and mentally, I'm all there. I love having her around and crave her attention and hugs and jokes and everything. I'm not as attached as I was to the first girl I mentioned because I've personally been working on the attachment problem I noticed I've had and have learned to not be so clingy. But I feel happy when I'm with her, and I get jealous sometimes when she talks about her boyfriend. When we're in the same room I look for her, and when we're not sitting together my eyes will often gravitate towards her. But what's really nice about our relationship is that there's no stress, no worries about appearance or anything.

Maybe it's because I'm in an all girls school and never had much contact with boys (ironic now that my best friend's a guy) but I've always liked girls better as companions. Sometimes I feel that if I could, I'd live in a house with my girlfriends and be okay with not having a husband, because my girlfriends are wonderful, and I've yet to find guy friends that I feel the same towards. (I do have guy friends, fyi haha, but I'm not as close with them as I am with my girlfriends). And the only guys that I consider myself very close to are gay, and one of them is the sort of "one of the girls" type guy, and the other is my best friend and there's so much history between us that him being a guy doesn't matter.

The first time I had "feelings" for a girl I had a little scare that maybe I was bi. But the thing is that for me...that's not a big deal. I've had three friends come out to me, and not once has it ever been a big deal. I'm the farthest from a homophobic person as I could be. So now sometimes when I think that maybe my feelings for this girl now are something more than friendship, I don't get scared that I might not be straight, because it'd be perfectly okay if I was. It's not a big deal in my world. But this concerns me because now I can't tell if I'm not scared by these thoughts because I really think it's okay, or because deep down I know that I'm straight. The term "straight" always felt right to me, even with these attachments I've had for girls.

I'm also a really curious person. It's just who I am. I've always said that if the opportunity arose, I would kiss a girl. Not even for attention, which is sometimes what I fear drives my feelings for this girl now, but because I'm curious and because I love contact with others, that closeness that comes with kisses. So all in all, being attracted to a girl doesn't scare me, but I can't tell if these feelings I'm having are actually homosexual feelings or just friendship (my strong emotions have me mixing up the two once in awhile as you can see lol)

I'm also afraid that I'm just seeking attention. I don't want to do that, and I feel like if I really was I wouldn't be able to admit it, but still, I'm afraid that I just want attention. But I thought about it the other day, and I noticed that my feelings for this girl mirrored my feelings I've had for boy crushes; I want to know everything about her, I want to hang out with her all the time, I'll let her decide what we want to do, will stay late after school just to hang out with her. I think she's beautiful and great. But sexually I'm not attracted to her. I also don't feel the nervousness that I feel when I like a guy...but the problem is I LIKE not feeling nervous because I HATE that feeling.

Sometimes I feel like these feelings I have don't have anything to do with sexuality, but more psychology. Mentally and such. But I don't really know.

Thank you so much for reading all of this! I know it was long. I have a habit of talking to much lol.

Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kachina
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Hi Ohana. I've read your post and I guess I am just unsure if you had a question?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ohana626
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Member # 56775

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Oh duh. I'm so sorry about that, I pretty much just talked. Mostly I wanted to know if you had any idea as to what these feelings meant. I know that ultimately it's my feelings to figure out, but I don't know what to make of them right now.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

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What do you mean by what they "meant"? It sounds like you are having various romantic/sexual/friendly feelings for various people. Which sounds pretty normal to me, to feel different with some people than with others.

I'm not sure feelings have a "meaning" - they just ARE, know what I mean?

--------------------
~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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