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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Emotional!

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Author Topic: Emotional!
Girlprobs20
Neophyte
Member # 50738

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Recently, everything has been so ontop of me, it really has. College life can be so stressful but that's not whats bothering me the most.

My feelings and my sexuality. it's affectng my work at college because i keep havin mood swings about it.
I know i keep putting posts about this kind of stuff, but i've nearly been in tears because my relationship life is crap. I find it really difficult to trust guys, especially what i've been experiencing with guys recently and in the past.
Either guys don't give a dam, there to clingy or really rude. the guy who i had really had strong feelings for only wanted a relationship in a secret. With girls is different, i chat to them so much easier and i think they can be so much more attractive then men, but i've not exactly felt proper feeling for a female. I catch myself checking out girls all the time!!

Also i don't want to rush things. I think labeling myself too quickly is wrong and i hate it when people label themselves too quickly. I'm still a virgin but i really don't want to be a virgin anymore but i want to find the right person but i feel like i never find the right person to loose it with.

Please help im sooo confused :'(

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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It's okay to keeping talking with us at Scarleteen as much as you'd like to. [Smile]

Firstly, being homosexual is not about liking girls because we don't like guys. It's about liking girls because we like girls. For example, I don't like orange juice because I hate pineapple juice; I like orange juice because I like orange juice. [Smile]

Sexuality is very flexible and fluid. It's extremely rare for any person to be 100% homosexual or 100% hetrosexual their entire lives. It often shifts, changes and sometimes we are just attracted to someone for who they are, reguardless of whatever gender they identify as.

For sure, if you don't want to label yourself now or ever, that's totally okay. However some people find a label that feels right for them very early in the game, and that's perfectly okay too.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time with relationships lately. It can take a lot of time to heal from such difficulties. However, also, they can end up being learning experiences for us; in which we learn what we what and need in relationships and what our limitations and boundaries are. If a partner crosses our boundaries and we end up feeling upset or angry; we can be honest and open with that partner and communicate that we need more space, or we felt that they have been rude and need them to stop, or that we would like more affection and care.

Virginity is a term that we staff and volunteers son't use at Scarleteen; because it doesn't really mean anything concrete. What counts as 'virginity' to one person may be totally different in another person's view.

Here are a few links for you to check out:

A Homosexuality Primer

Living without Labels

How to Build a Healthy Relationship

Virginity in Context

[ 11-20-2011, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Girlprobs20
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Member # 50738

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The thing is i have been confused thoughout my whole teenager years, when i see music videos of girls prancing around i find it soo attractive i can't help it, i always check out girls assests but i've been like that even before i had my first boyfriend. my sis did say to me there was one stage when she thought i was a lesbian, not a bad way, its was just she didn't understand how i could be so pretty and not be in a relationship (This was when i was about 14)

I mean i have kissed girls in past but nothing to serious. I just wish i could make a step forward now sinse im at the older ends of my teenage years. I'm still at stages at trying to find myself and i know i still have alot to learn.

The things is relationships never work out for me with men, it never has done, my longest relationship was 2 months and even that relationship wasn't great. I've fallen out with one guy for good because he accused me of being judgemental when im not, i only confronted him about his behavious around me at one perticular night.

I do think that seinse alot of my friends are a different orientation ie gay,bi etc and i think maybe that's influence me a bit [Frown] its not influenced me alot but still, its made me extra confused.

(picture edited out per our guidelines - Rae.)

[ 12-12-2011, 03:20 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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That was a really lovely picture, but unfortunately we don't allow the posting of any pictures because it can lead people to post pictures that accidently identify them and could compromise their safety. Sorry about that!

Honestly, sexuality is a lifelong process. It really doesn't matter how long one takes to choose an identity. There are forty year olds who have identified as hetrosexual their entire lives, but now feel attracted to people who identify as a gender that is the same as theirs. Sometimes people take those feelings and choose to identify as homosexual or bisexual/pansexual - but sometimes they don't mind not having a label about which genders, if any, they feel attracted to.

As you know, we can't identify you for you. However, if you feel yourself being attracted to those who identify as girls in sexual or romantic ways, or both, then, well, I think it's safe to say you have sexual or romantic feelings for girls. [Smile]

This doesn't mean you no longer have feelings for anyone of any other gender, though; liking girls as a gender is just liking girls as a gender.

Orientation is fluid and flexible. One week we might be attracted to people who identify as girls, the next week we might not be. That's why, for anyone, orientation can be difficult to pin down. I know it's difficult when your friends seem to have all found identities, but those identities may not be lifelong.

Sometimes, for many of us who's attractions tend to be very flexible, identify as 'queer' which means our orientations are flexible. Sometimes we just say 'my orientation changes a lot, but that's pretty common for many people', or 'my orientation is flexible.' The culture we're in tends to frame orientation as 'real' or 'not real' - like when you hear people say: 'I don't think she's a lesbian, I just think she's confused' or 'She said she liked girls but now she's happy with a boy! I guess she just got it wrong! I guess she was just going through a phase!' Those ways of thinking really are just a load of crap. Human sexuality as a whole is very changable, flexible and fluid. You can never be wrong about your feelings for a gender, even if you only have them for one day - or even one hour.

We can't really be 'wrong' about our feelings. If you feel attracted to girls in life sometimes, and then you tell your friends you've felt these attractions, and the next day you wake up and those attractions are gone? That doesn't mean you were 'lying' about your feelings or 'wrong' or 'confused' into getting it 'wrong'. I know that can be hard to understand whe your friends feel so concrete and certain about their orientations. However, even if your feelings do come and go and sometimes you're not attracted to girls - you still have those feelings sometimes. You know you've have those feelings, right?

Your friends can't really influence your orientation. Just like if there was a new boy around that you thought was repulsive but all your friends went loopy over him - you probably wouldn't find yourself attracted to him just because they were so into him. That's the same as liking whole gender groups.

Again, this really isn't about how you feel about boys. We don't have to pick either boys or girls to be attracted to, after all - and plenty or people aren't attracted to either of those genders.

Also, kissing girls isn't going to tell you much about how you feel about girls in general - or even guarentee much information about how you feel about those girls you kissed. For example, if you went on a date with a boy you wound up feeling like you had no attraction to whatsoever, then suddenly you shared a kiss with him? That kiss is unlikely to tell you whether you find him sexy or not - you'd likely already know one way of another, if you know what I mean? Orientation is about feelings, not actions. Feeling attracted to girls is just feeling attracted to girls - we don't really need to kiss a few of them to find out. This is because those kisses, if they did tell us anything about whether or not we found those girls sexy, would only tell us how we feel about those girls - not about girls in general as an entire gender group.

Can I ask, do you think your friends know how fluid sexual orientation really is? For example, if you dated a girl and then that relationship ended and you dated a boy - would they understand that it's about individuals, not genders? Or if you said you felt attracted to girls, would they feel like you had to date a girl to 'proove' your feeling are 'real'? If those feelings then went away again, and you felt sexual desire for boys only, would you friends label you 'straight' or pressure you to identify yourself as 'straight'?

[ 12-12-2011, 04:40 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Girlprobs20
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Sorry for late reply, been busy lately

Im not 100% sure if my friends know that.sometimes i just think who ever i fall in love it i fall in love with, i can't help my emotions, especially at this age anyway. Ive not had enough relationships or experiences yet and i still needed to live my life a little before i make those choices.

Sometimes Im never sure whether im attracted to girls mentally or physically. You know what you've told me has been such good advice. I mean its made me think twice about my sexuality and you've made me realise that it's ok to be single and wait for a while. I mean just because my other relationship haven't work out with lads, that doesnt mean there all going to be like that in the future and just because it hasnt worked out with lads that far, i just just my sexuality from one thing to another. I think it will take time to know for sure [Smile] x

The thing is where i have lived and which school ive been to, alot of people can be quite judgemental so i dont want to throw any information out if its not for certain.

x

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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That's fine - you can come and reply or ask thing here anytime.

You're so spot on here; those boys you dated can't represent all boys - people are just way too different; whatever gender they identify as.

It's absolutely okay to be single and just enjoy life; slow things down. It's a good time to really think about what you would like in a relationship with anyone; how would be different from your last relationships? What would you look for in a potential partner? What are your limits and boundaries? What are the complete no-go areas? What would you like more of? How are you going to communicate what you need and want from a relationship to a potential or new partner? How will you communicate what you want in ongoing ways? These are all things to think about for when you do meet somebody in the future.

We do still live in a homophobic, anti-bisexual, hetronormative culture; so I completely understand you not wanting to put any of your personal sexuality info out there, especially if you're not sure how much your friends know about sexuality in general. You don't ever have to explain or bring up anything to do with your own personal sexaulity to people before you feel 100% ready and confident.

You're completely right again; we often love who we love, regardless of gender.

And yep - sexuality is a journey to be enjoyed. [Smile]

[ 01-11-2012, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: Seashi Rae ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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